


FINGERTIPS

by RainbowxTommo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, love wins always
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-09-19 13:35:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 156,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9443123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowxTommo/pseuds/RainbowxTommo
Summary: How would you feel if one day you woke up and all the colours, the faces, the sceneries, the world you used to love, had disappeared? If you couldn’t see anything but complete darkness, for the rest of your life?Harry, a 16 year old boy has to learn how to live after waking up from a car accident, deprived of his eyesight.Louis is going through hard time as he feels anxiety and fear trap him into a vicious circle.Both of them are struggling to live until their paths cross./!\ Warning: this story contains (detailed) description of mental health disorders, such as eating disorders, anxiety or depression. Please, PLEASE, be careful while reading this. I can not post warning in every chapter that contains those, since the story follows a mentally ill character, those feelings and descriptions are in most chapters. I am begging you to be careful and to be aware of your own limit! Don't push yourself to read further if you feel like it's too hard for you! Take care of you ♥ /!\





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you're all having a great day (or night).  
> I would just like to say sorry for any mistake I could have done during the writing of this fiction. English is not my mother tongue, indeed I am french so don't hesitate and tell me what mistake I did so I can correct them.  
> But I still hope you liked what you read!  
> Thank you for reading !  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> Here's a playlist I made to fit this story, if you want to give it a listen : https://open.spotify.com/user/skamaddict0897/playlist/5TmfrvLRpv4rCnfOfw3CSE
> 
> -Lisa-
> 
>  
> 
> _“The truth of the story lies in the details.” - Paul Auster._

#  **LOUIS**

_**July 4th** _

 

Louis had always been a sweet boy. He rarely ever complained about anything and he took everything he was doing to heart. Every little thing he was embarking himself on was important. He had always loved taking care of people, listening to them, trying his best to help them. His mother had raised him that way, she wanted him to become a great person, someone who would shine with his personality and kindness. And she was proud of who her biggest child had become after 18 years. He never had any problem in school, he had never been involved in any fight. She had taught him how to respect the world around him and the people he met and to treat women with respect and love. So when he had introduced his girlfriend to his family, his mother felt like the happiest person on earth. Tamara had been his girlfriend for over two years now and they were living a pretty happy relationship. They had much more ups than downs and they rarely had any fight. Maybe that was because Louis hated talking back to her, he usually just ran in her favour and let her win the battle. His mother ended up thinking she was the luckiest person to have such a great son and Tamara felt the same.  
But for Louis, it was the complete opposite. He had never felt or seen himself good enough. And while he was getting more and more self conscious, he could feel self hate grow in his brain and eat slowly every little things he used to like about himself, destroying his reflection. But the boy was a good actor, every little smile he projected on his face made everyone think he was happy. And if anyone had doubt about his happiness, they didn’t speak up, just brushing the thought away, because Louis was always happy. It was who he was. He was the one who comforted his friends and family, he couldn’t be sad, never. It wasn’t him.

Tamara was staring at her boyfriend, deeply asleep next to her, her manicured hand setting on his bare chest. She was in love with him. Deeply in love, and she was scared of losing him. She couldn't even think about it without feeling her heart tightening in her chest. He was the perfect boyfriend, loving, caring and all “lovey dovey”. She also loved the fact he was in love with her enough to do anything she wanted. She was the kind of person who needed to have control of everything and he let her be. Tamara needed someone like him and she knew she had found the good one. She was feeling so good in his arms. So peaceful. She let her nails trace his chest tattoo and his collarbones, he lost weight too. She couldn't say how much but she knew it. She liked the way he looked though, she could see his slight abs under his thin skin. But she knew something was going on, it was obvious, but what? She kissed his shoulder, their make out session from last night had erased her red lipstick. She let her forehead press against his shoulder while she whispered:

"I love you Louis…"

Louis shuddered under her whisper, keeping his eyes closed though. He clenched his jaw and turned his face toward her, burying his nose in her messy hair.  
After an hour or so, when he heard the regular breath escaping his girlfriend's mouth, realising she had finally fell asleep, he got up slowly and covered her bare body with the blanket, he put on a pair of grey sweatpants and kissed her forehead softly before leaving the room. He grabbed some money from his wallet and left the house, praying not to have woken up her family. He started walking in the sweet air, it wasn't cold, it wasn't hot, it was a pleasant weather and he liked walking with his bare feet and the fresh wind stroking his chest. He could feel the cold tarmac tickling his foot sole and it was strangely a bit enjoyable. From anyone's point of view, Louis would look like a drunk man trying to come home. He hadn’t been able to sleep much for a while now, he gained so much stressed recently it brought insomnia and his mind wasn’t taking any rest. His body was always working out, he was so off. He looked like a broken doll. When he saw the light of the little grocery, he came in. Some people who were there glanced at him, it was almost 3, he probably had huge dark circles around his eyes and he was only wearing sweatpants. When Zayn smiled at him from the other side of the counter, Louis did the same, waving at him. 

“Hi mate!”  
“Hi! You’re okay?” he asked, frowning a bit at Louis’s pale face.

He took out the money from his back pocket nodding a bit and placed it on the counter. He didn’t have to say anything as his friend placed the boxes of cigarette near Louis’ money. He took out the empty box from his pocket and threw it in the bin on his left and grabbed the new boxes, opening one slowly. 

“Thank you!”  



	2. Chapter 2

# HARRY

_**July 5th** _

Before everything turned to darkness, Harry was the happiest child in the entire world. Well, at least, it was how he used to feel. He loved sports and how it’d caused his body to change, and when he was looking at the mirror, he used to love what he was seeing. He was also good enough at school, even if it was not the thing he liked the most, he knew it was important for his mother and he did his best to make her proud. He was pretty funny, maybe he was the only one to think he was actually funny but hearing his laughters was the most beautiful sound to his family’s ears so they couldn’t complain. He used to be really energetic, jumping and running all the time, everywhere, singing loudly under the shower, sometimes with a bottle of shampoo by way of mike. He used to love dancing with his mother when their favourite songs were on the radio or when he was helping her with the chores, singing their lungs out. It used to be such a radiant boy but then everything fell apart around them, he had lost his bearings and he felt like nothing was the same around him. The fact they had decided to move in a new house in a new town didn’t help. Yes, it was for the best, they wanted to start over and forget the past. But Harry had to learn how to live in a house he had never seen before.  
Harry was sitting on the bathroom floor, trembling as he was struggling to retain his loud sobs, biting on his lips violently not to let any sound escape his mouth. The loud bangs on the door was making his heart painful in his chest and he had troubles breathing correctly. His ex girlfriend Carrie had found his new location and had drove there to talk to him. He had broken up with her at least two months ago now, just after the accident. It wasn’t the best way to do such a thing, he knew it but he couldn’t care less. He couldn’t deal with her constant presence as she was staring at him for hours, doing nothing but sitting on the bed and looking at him silently. He could not listen to her complaining about how she wished he could see how good she looked one day or the other. She let him fall slowly into hell and didn’t help him or even tried. She went out partying with friends when he stayed crying over his loss in his hospital bed. It couldn’t work. 

“Open the door, Harry!”

He wanted to be alone. He hadn’t left his room since he came home from hospital and even less since he had moved in a week ago. He could barely leave his bed. He couldn’t bring himself to leave the room and face his mother and sister, hearing them talk but not being able to see them. He missed looking at them and seeing how they looked like. He hated thinking about the fact he would never be able to see his family get older and it hurt so much, his heart was so tight in his chest. 

“Harry, please...” Carrie sighed on the other side of the door.

She let herself slide against the door and sat down. Harry wouldn’t open, he didn’t even want to listen to her. Maybe he had hurt her when they broke up but it couldn’t compete with all the pain he was going through. All he used to love so much about life had been smashed to pieces. He used to love painting, drawing, reading and writing. Nothing was the same, so many things were different and he felt like another person. Like he had died and had to live in another body in a hellish parallel universe where there were no colours, no images, just sounds and smells. 

“Open the damn door!” she screamed hitting the door violently. 

He flinched against the door, he pressed his palms against his ears as the tears were rolling down his cheeks and burning his skin. He wanted her to leave, she shouldn’t be there, he shouldn’t hear her voice and feel her presence. It was not how it was supposed to go. She started hitting the door over and over again, he could feel the hate she was putting into it. Everyone would end up hating him. He would end up all alone one day and nobody would remember him. The loud bangs were making his ears bleed and he silently begged for the world to stop. He wanted to disappear, he didn’t ask for all of it, he didn’t even want his life back, he didn’t want any life at all. It was too hard, too painful, simply too much and all his strength was disappearing. He couldn’t eat, he barely ever showered. He had became someone he knew nothing about, a total _stranger_.

“You should go...” 

Gemma, his sister, had arrived and the knocks stopped suddenly. 

“No, he has to open the door, I want to see him, I want to...” Carrie was cut off almost immediately.  
“Carrie, just leave now or I’ll make you leave!” 

Harry silently thanked his sister as he heard steps at the other side of the door. He let himself lay softly on the cold floor, he was freezing, his body was ice but he didn't want to move. He was now lost in darkness forever and his body was covered with goosebumps and his face was soaked in tears. He wanted the pain to go away, to leave his body. He wanted to leave, run away from all of this, run away from the darkness he was now trapped in for the rest of his life. He remembered how scared he was of the dark as a child and he knew how much he still was now. But he couldn't ask his mum to turn the light on, he was just drowned in the darkest ocean and it was scarier than anything he has ever went through. He hadn’t planned that. He was supposed to go to university and get a Physical Education degree to become a PE teacher. He was supposed to meet a woman and fall for her, they would marry and have children. That was how he had planned his life, he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life in total darkness. He already missed everything so badly. The colours of the sky, how the grey of winter would give way to the clearest blue of summer. The green trees or even the dark pink of ripe raspberries. He missed everything the world had to give.  
After a while, Harry stood up slowly, he stretched his arms in front of him, trying to find the door of his room, he grabbed the handle and turned the key before coming in his own room, sniffing, he groped around for his bed slowly and then laid down violently, he was so tired and weak. He placed his palm over his stomach when it gurgled loudly, he hadn’t eaten much lately but he didn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, so the second chapter focuses on Harry since the first one focused on Louis. It is only for those two though, the others will be more "opened".  
> Don't hesitate on pointing out and commenting the mistakes I made (and didn't correct, my bad..). Sorry again about that :/  
> You can give me your opinion, negative or positive, I'll be happy to read them!  
> Hope you liked this chapter.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	3. Chapter 3

# JUST TRY

_**July 6th** _

Louis woke up slowly, in his own bed this time. He had spent about a whole week at Tamara's house and he was pretty glad to be finally home. He ran his hands through his hair and over his face, he felt so tired. He pressed the pillow against his face and sighed loudly. He got up slowly and tripped over something hard that was laying on the ground near his bed, hurting his toes badly, almost falling on the floor he mumbled something to himself before grabbing the empty beer bottle dying on the floor. He sat on his bed, rubbing his forehead while looking at the empty bottle. He wanted to take it back, taking all of these mistakes back, why did he have to end up like that? His heart was beating hard, he felt his eyes filling with hot tears but he retained them from falling all over his face. He couldn't cry. He was strong. No, he was afraid, afraid of everything and it made him feel so weak. He couldn't sleep, what if nightmares filled his broken mind, what if he wakes up sweaty and scared, crying like a baby, once again. If alcohol was helping him so why not? He never hurt someone because he was drunk.  
But he was tired, tired of lying to everyone. But he couldn't, he couldn't admit how he truly felt. He never did that, he never admitted to anyone how weak he felt sometimes. His thoughts got cut off by a loud knock on the door, he made the bottle roll under his bed, put a sweatshirt and pair of sweatpants on and opened the door, his little sister smiled at him immediately.

"Lou, mum said breakfast was ready!"  
"I'm coming Lottie." He nodded slowly.

He watched her walking away and he closed the door behind him before walking to the stairs and going to the kitchen. Around the huge table were all his family. Dan and his mum were at the opposite sides with the babies, Félicité, Lottie and Daisy were sitting together on the right while Phoebe was waiting for him on the left, a huge plate full of pancakes on the centre.

"Hi baby!" exclaimed his mother.

He greeted her with a smile and a quick hug, then he waved to the rest of the family and sat next to Phoebe. She smiled to him and they started eating.

"So how was your week with Tamy, Lou?" Fizzy asked.

Every eyes met his and he raised an eyebrow. What were they excepting him to say? It was a normal week.

"Great?" he said, unsure of what to say.

His mum smiled and stroked his hand slowly, as months and years went by Jay had learnt how to like Tamara and he was glade she did. Tamara was his first real girlfriend, and they were dating for almost 2 years now. He loved her, truly, but these last days, he was struggling to even show her his love. It was hard he knew how much he loved her but he couldn't really tell her anymore, he didn't know why, he just couldn't. He tried though, there was just something in his soul making things harder. But he didn't know what exactly.

"Oh, Louis!" his step-father exclaimed after few minutes of silence.

He looked up from his plate and smiled a bit. It was probably fake but who could know, Louis was such an incredible actor.

"We have new neighbours!" he said with a huge smile.

Louis shrugged but smiled, he didn't really care about his neighbours, that's not like they were celebrities or killer or anything. None of his neighbours were really nice to his family, when they moved in, no one even greeted them. They barely knew who lived next to them. Normal people in a normal town, nothing special.

"I talked with a woman, she's nice and she has a son, about your age Louis!" Jay added.

He looked at her. Oh, so that was probably why these neighbours seemed so interesting, because he could have a new friend. Jay loved the fact that Louis was a sociable boy, he made friends easily but she wasn't a big fan of Zayn. Louis had never done anything wrong since he was hanging out with him though, it was probably all of his tattoos that were making her a bit reluctant.

"The poor boy is blind and apparently he would need help, you know, learning how to live properly but he doesn't want to go in any school. We know you're pretty busy and it's holiday and you want to have fun but what if you just go there, teaching him a bit since you worked at that school some months ago."

Louis frowned, yes he did work at that special school to help blind people but it was just some training, he didn't teach anyone, he probably more learnt than taught, yes he knew the Braille alphabet but he wouldn't be able to teach anyone. Noticing his hesitation, Jay added:

"Please Lou, at least to see if it works or not. Anne said she would pay you for your help."  
"If I help that kid, I don't want money."

He thought about it a bit. He knew he could learn things from him too. Maybe he was just unsure about his own knowledge, he knew they should recruit some professional teacher because he wasn't good enough to teach anybody.

"You can try Lou!" Lottie exclaimed.  
"He needs you Louis." Fizzy added.

That was what Louis was made for, helping people. That's the way he grew up. So he nodded and smiled.

"Okay, I will try! When should I start?" he asked.

Jay smiled widely before answering:

"I will call her after breakfast. Now eat, honey!"

And Louis nodded, trying his best to eat, but he couldn't. What if he failed? What if he wasn't able to help the kid? What if his mother wasn't proud of him anymore? What if he didn't like him and refused his help? What if, what if, what if. So many insecurities. So many questions without any answer.

# ****

Harry was laying on his bed, as usual, it was hot but he was still wrapped in his blanket, sweating a bit, his curls sticking to his forehead and his neck. He felt safer that way. He felt protected. His bed became his real home, the only place he wanted to spend his time was in his sheets. Suddenly two little knocks were heard and he mumbled a silent "what?". He didn't want to let anybody in, he didn't even know what his room looked like, was it clean, probably not, what colours were his walls. He lived there for about a week now and he didn't know anything about that house. He tripped over many things, hurting his toes and his whole body so he decided to stay there, laying on his bed.

"The neighbour called, I tried to talk to you about it yesterday, their son worked with... with people like you."

She didn't want to say the word. Not for her, but for him, she knew how bad it hurt him. Yes he realised he lost his eyesight, he knew he would never see again, but he couldn't hear it. Be surrounded by the darkness was enough. He sighed in his blanket. He knew what she wanted to say. She had tried to put him in one of these school for the kids "like him" but he couldn't. He wasn't ready to face the world, so she offered something else when she met the neighbours. He didn't know them but he heard they were nice.

"His mother said he would help you to, you know, make things easier." she added.  
"Mum, please..." he sighed loudly.  
"Harry, I want to help you but I can't, I can't do anything but being here for you. This boy could be so helpful. Maybe he could even become your first friend here!"

He felt tears filling his eyes and one dropped on his pillow. He didn't want help, he just wanted to see again, not just for a day, but for his whole life, and nobody, not even that stranger, would ever be able to give him his eyes back.

"Honey please, try..." his mother begged.

But he felt so weak. So tired. He didn't want anybody to see him that way.

"Please Harry..."

It was Gemma this time and he sighed. He felt like he was disappointing his family so much lately. He rubbed his wet eyes and wiped the tears before nodding, he remembered nobody was in the room with him so he added.

"I will... I will try."

But he never said something that false before because he would let the stranger try but he wasn't sure he would be strong enough to try to learn. He wanted to be in his bed for the rest of his stupid life.

"That's great sweetheart, he's coming tonight after diner."

Harry hoped she was kidding, he wasn't ready for it. He wanted to stay at least one whole day in his bed. He wanted to cry tonight because he wasn't able to see the stars and the moon.

"Harry you should take a shower at least, okay?" Gemma said.

Harry groaned. No. He didn't want to take a shower either. Why nobody would understand how good he felt wrapped in his blanket, or at least good enough not to think about dying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So I posted those three chapters in three days because they are more like a "background", so I decided to post them almost at the same time.  
> Once again, don't hesitate on telling me any mistake I've made, I try my best to correct most of them but I don't notice everything...  
> I hope you liked this new chapter !  
> Thanks for reading  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	4. Chapter 4

# FIRST TIME

**_July 6th_ **

The sky was tinted with blue, orange and a bit of pink, a beautiful sky while the sun was going down slowly minute after minute. Louis took a look at the sky as he left his house to go to the neighbour's one at the opposite side of the road, a plate of cookies in his hands and a black backpack on his shoulders. His mother had made and gave him cookies filled with chocolate and nougat chips. She always said it was easier to learn and study when you were full.  
Even if the neighbour's house was obviously in the same street, it was smaller, had probably less rooms then his, the front little garden had been abandoned by the previous owners and the white paint of the short wood gates was crumbling. He walked to the wood front door and ringed, knocking right after. He sighed a bit. He did want to be there, he was just stressed, being helpless, failing, usual fears actually. After a minute or so, the door opened on a young girl about his age, she smiled and he noticed dimples popping, he smiled back at her. 

“Hi, I am Louis, hum, the neighbour, I think I am here for...” 

Louis frowned, did he even know how the boy he was supposed to help was called. He was pretty sure his mother didn’t think about telling him and he felt embarrassed standing there, scratching the back of his neck and trying to find the answer in his mind. 

“Harry, my little brother! Come in.” she moved away on her left to let him in. 

He entered the house, his eyes looking around a little, it looked a bit like his own house, just a bit smaller, with less painting on the wall and less pictures on the furnitures. He was pretty sure they hadn’t put all of their stuff in place and he could notice some boxes in the living room. 

“I am Gemma by the way!” she offered his hand to him and he shook it. 

She ran her fingers through her long hair, smiling before scratching the back of her neck. She looked a bit hesitant, nervous even. 

“So, should I go get him or…” she started. 

He breathed in. Where should he start.? What should he do? He didn’t really know honestly. He had written down everything he knew on the subject, everything he could remember from his training course at the only blind school. Everything teachers had done, said or anything that sounded important to help the boy. It was stressful. What if he couldn’t help? What if he didn’t work, if he wasn’t good enough to help someone take back their life? 

“I think I should go to his room, maybe?” 

She nodded slowly. Maybe Louis was anxious but Gemma was probably as stressed as him. She hadn’t really saw Harry at all since the accident, he was always locked in his bedroom and sometimes she could hear him sobbing when she was walking past his door. It was heartbreaking. She was certain he wanted to get helped but he wouldn’t ask, he was too independent and proud to do so. 

“Follow me?” 

She crossed the living-room before walking upstairs slowly. He noticed all the pictures hanging on the light pistachio wall. He followed the girl in the hallway until they stopped in front of a white door. There was a big wooden “H” letter hanging on it and she knocked softly. A loud thump was heard followed by some curse. 

“My brother is a bit anxious and.. he didn’t get over what happened yet so...” she was suddenly cut off by a loud voice yelling from the other side of the door.  
“Gemma, you know I’m blind, not fucking deaf, right?” 

She looked down and sighed silently. 

“Sorry, the neighbour just arrived, can you open the door, please?” 

The thing about Harry was that he liked being alone, he wanted and demanded to stay alone all the time. So Gemma wasn’t sure what would happen. After some seconds of heavy silence, she believed he wouldn’t open, he would probably stay locked inside and she wouldn’t know what to do. 

“Where’s mummy?” he asked softly.  
“She’s out shopping, there’s no food left in the fridge.” she said before looking up to Louis. 

He was standing next to her, still holding the plate of cookies in between his hands. He was trying his best to hide the fear that was running down his veins and knotting his stomach. 

“I… I don’t even know what I am wearing.” 

At the words, Gemma’s heart got tighter in her chest. She knew it was harder for him, to do anything no. It was harder. And she wished she could make it easier, take a bit of his pain away and make him happier. That was how she thought a sister was supposed to be, she was older and wanted to protect him, take care of him. But the accident destroyed something, took something away from him that she couldn’t fix herself. She felt helpless, but Louis spoke up. 

“Maybe I could help with that?”

For a minute, the house was plunged in silence, Gemma was discretely looking at Louis and he was staring at the closed door, hoping it would suddenly open. 

“I don’t need a babysitter!” the boy complained behind the door.  
“I am not here to be one! So we’re good, aren’t we?”

Louis had put his forehead against the door. He wanted to enter the room and help that stranger so bad. He wanted to feel useful. He wanted people to need him. He needed that because he had felt horrible for some months now and he knew he wouldn't be able to keep going that way, too much stress, too much fear. After some minutes that seemed like hours, the door opened silently. Next to him, Gemma opened wide eyes. The young man had put a beanie over his hair and some curls were escaping it, he was wearing sunglasses. A huge dark green hoodie was covering his chest and a pair of brown pants was hiding his legs, the trousers were obviously too short because it was showing his thin ankles without being rolled up, a pair of black socks on his feet, his head was down.

“Hi..” Harry sighed. 

Gemma opened her mouth, a wide smile stretching her lips, but she didn’t dare say a word, she pat Louis’ shoulders with watery eyes. She walked away silently, leaving Louis with her brother. 

"Can I come in, Harry?" Louis asked softly.

He was trying to make his voice sound as soft as possible. The younger boy nodded hesitantly and opened the door wider, Louis entered and closed the door behind him. Louis looked up to the walls and the empty room. Because it was pretty empty, there were clothes on the floor near the single bed, the bed was undone. There were not any other furniture than a wardrobe, a bed and a desk near the door. No poster, no painting or pictures, just plaint white walls. 

“I brought cookies.” he said suddenly. 

Harry shrugged and walked carefully, his arms were stretched out in front of him, he was sliding a foot after the other, slowly, before sitting on the bed. Louis looked at him, he was probably younger from 2 or 3 years. 

"Let's start, huh?" 

Louis put his backpack on the floor gently and Harry nodded again, sighing loudly. 

"Would you want to start with clothes?" 

Harry shrugged, the only thing he truly wanted was to lay down in bed and fall asleep and wake up next week. He wanted to run away, to forget. All of this, it wasn’t what he wanted, at all. How could he start with clothes or anything actually, when all he could see was darkness. Nothing more. 

"What am I wearing right now?" Harry asked shyly.

Louis looked down to Harry. When he spoke up to explain what clothes he had put on, the younger boy grimaced and cursed silently to himself. He looked so fragile, so frail and exhausted by the way he was trying to disappear in between his shoulders. 

“Do you want me to look into your wardrobe so you can wear what you want?”  
“I feel like a child.” Harry groaned loudly.  
“But you’re not! You simply lost your bearings and you need to create new ones!” 

Louis wanted to put his hand on his back to comfort him but it was probably a bad idea and Harry would easily freak out. He didn't know what had happened to him, he knew he wasn't born that way. In that school, he had seen a lot of children, lot of them were born that way and never had to say goodbye to their eyes, some of them had became blind after some disease and felt dejected but being surrounded by people like them was helpful. It couldn't be the case of Harry, he was surrounded by people who loved him, yes, but he was the only visually impaired person and he felt different.  
Harry shrugged. Louis stood up and opened the doors of the wardrobe, he knew why Harry couldn't find anything he wanted, pants were with top and nothing was helpful there. After Harry had told him what he wanted, he got to find a pair of black skinny jeans and a grey hoodie, he smiled a bit and joined Harry, he placed the clothes over his knees.

"Here what you wanted?" 

Harry stood up slowly before carefully walking, feeling his way along toward a door, he opened it and Louis assumed it was the bathroom. The door closed and Louis waited a bit, he started taking every single clothes off from the shelves, putting them on the bed. He had the time to put them back in, in different piles. After some minutes the door opened and a shy Harry exited the room. His beanie was gone but his sunglasses were still on his nose. His curls were messy. 

"That's better!" he said.  
"Yeah?"  
"Absolutely! Oh, I started organizing your clothes. I will get you some boxes the next time, it will be even easier." 

Harry nodded, still keeping his head down, he wanted to see how it was fitting his body. He used to like his reflection, he liked the way his body was shaped but now, each reflection was a black screen. He could only slide his hands against his body and feel his legs, his arms, his chest and try to imagine how it looked. 

"So, come over here, I will explain it to you." 

Louis walked up to Harry and wrapped his fingers around the younger boy's wrist, the latter flinched a bit at the touch and Louis led him to the wardrobe. 

"I put your black pants on the left, the higher shelf, here." 

He reached Harry's arm and put his hand over the clothes. He moved his hand on the other pile. 

"Here, it's the other pants. Most are sweatpants, you have a lot!" 

Harry felt his cheeks burn a bit, his love for sport used to take him a lot a time and probably lot of money as well. Once Louis had explained each piles to Harry, they sat down on the bed. 

"So my mum made cookies for you..." Louis started. 

He grabbed the plate and placed it on his knees then wrapped his palm around the back of his hand, Harry froze suddenly. His heart speeding in his chest while Louis pulled on it, he then placed a cookie in his palm.

"Here, take one, then I will show you how to do your bed properly."  
"I never leave it, I don't need to make it.." Harry shrugged.  
"You never leave your room?" Louis asked, frowning.

Harry breathed out loudly and shrugged once again. He shook his head and his curls flew around his face and that was actually really cute. Louis smiled and looked at him. 

"I love my bed." he simply said. 

Harry put the cookie in front of his pink lips and trapped it between his teeth, he chewed slowly, he was hungry. So hungry. The cookie was really good, he smiled a bit. 

"That's good, right?" Louis asked. 

Harry nodded shyly. His stomach couldn’t thank the person who made it enough, it felt so good being destroyed with his teeth.

"Why don't you eat one?" Harry asked suddenly.  
"How..." he started but soon was cut off by Harry answering.  
“I bet you can hear me chewing, they’re pretty crusty and I can’t hear you chewing so…”

Louis raised an eyebrow and smiled, Harry licked the crumbs off his lips and shrugged.

"I don't know your name..." Harry noticed.  
"Louis." he answered.

Louis' eyes never left Harry's face. He wanted to take off the sunglasses that were covering half of his face. He wanted to know what happened to him but he couldn't ask. Harry mumbled something to himself, something Louis didn't understand. Harry sighed and swallowed the cookie.

"So the bed?" Louis said. 

He stood up quickly and Harry did the same in a slower manner, Louis started explaining how Harry should do his bed. That was really embarrassing to the younger boy, he felt like a kid who couldn't do anything by himself. Like he was a baby once again and he had to learn everything once again. He couldn't read. He couldn't write. He could barely get dressed or make his bed. He had to start his life over and it was so painful. He felt so stupid. He trapped his bottom lip between his teeth and bit harder. He suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder. 

"Stop that, it won't help!" Louis exclaimed.

Harry released his lip, sighing loudly. Inside, he was yelling at Louis, _you are not my father, I do whatever I want_. But saying it out loud would just be stupid and childish so he kept his mouth shut and finished to do the bed. Trying his best. 

"Now put your hands all over the bed and tell me what you're thinking."

He did like said and frowned, he could feel the blanket wasn't straight, there were a lot of creases, not like he wanted it to be. Seeing Harry pulling on the blanket trying to make it better made him smile. Harry was sticking his tongue out in the concentration. And once again it was cute. Louis found himself staring with a smile. 

"Is it better?" the younger boy asked, biting the inside of his cheek.  
"That's really good, Harry!" 

And Harry smiled. He truly smiled, his head was still down but Louis noticed that. He noticed how his cheeks pushed the sunglasses up a bit as his pinkish lips straighten into a smile. 

"I think we're done for today."  
"You won't teach me how to read or..." Harry mumbled, betting his nails.

Louis took a step forward and smiled. It looked like Harry wanted to learn, although he thought it wouldn't be that easy. He was glad though, to see how his first “student” wanted to learn more, to work. It felt nice.

"I will, but I think the main thing to know is how to live in your daily life with easy tips." 

Harry nodded. Louis said it was time to go and Harry surprised himself wanting him to stay a bit longer, he wanted to talk about Louis' life, what he liked and how was his family. He wanted to learn about him because it was something that could take his mind away from his pain. Louis' voice was strangely soothing. 

"O-Okay."  
"It's getting late and my girlfriend will be here soon." 

He didn't know why he found himself explaining the fact that he was leaving but he did. It was probably just another thing he was scared about, upsetting someone, disappointing them. Louis took Harry's hand, the younger boy flinching a bit, and he shook it. 

"When do you want me to come back?" Louis said while opening the door.  
"Tomorrow?" Harry offered.  
"I'll be there at the same time then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So I decided I will post one chapter every friday now :)   
> This chapter is far from the best, I just needed to introduce them but the other chapter are longers and better. I re-write this one several time but I didn't really manage to make it better :/  
> Sorry about that and for the mistakes I've done.   
> I hope you liked it :)  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	5. Chapter 5

# MUM

**_July 7th_ **

Louis entered the bathroom slowly, discovering his girlfriend putting make up on her beautiful face, he waited there for some minutes, hidden from her eyes and just looking at her, realising how lucky he was to be loved by such a girl. To be in love with her. Just to be the witness of such a beautiful but simple thing at the same time. Like lot of girls all over the world, Tamara could be insecure, sometimes she wasn’t aware of her beauty, no matter how many times he had repeated it to her, embarrassing her. He didn't care about that, he wanted her to feel his love for her, he wanted her to wake up in his arms and to say to herself that she was actually beautiful and loved. He wanted her to trust him from the bottom of her heart. He was lucky and he knew it. He walked slowly towards her, wrapping his arms in a slow motion around her thin waist, he kissed her shoulder, looking at her smile in the mirror. 

“You're beautiful without all of this...” he whispered against her skin. 

He saw her blushing softly, looking down shyly, she put a strand of her hair behind her ear and smiled at him, he placed his chapped lips over her soft ones and kissed them slowly. Their breathes wrapping themselves around each other and dancing together. When they pulled away, she placed her mascara in her little bag and turned around to look at her boyfriend. 

“I think you're already late, Louis...” she sighed with a tiny smile. 

He took his phone out from his jeans' pocket and glanced at the time. Yes, he was in fact late and he knew it wasn't really professional but like he’d already thought before, if they wanted someone able to respect every single rules then they should have asked to a professional teacher. Actually he had enjoyed spending time with Harry, he wanted to cheer him up, nobody was actually there to cheer Louis up, because nobody knew what he was going through. And he thought it was a good idea to keep that secret to himself, how could he complain while a young blind boy was living next to him, trying to get over his own eyes and the beauty of the world. People saw beauty in that world and even if Louis never really saw and understood what was beautiful in a road and some trees here and there, he knew saying goodbye to eyesight must be hard and painful. 

“Babe?” 

Tamara got Louis out of his own thoughts and frowned, a concerned look over her soft face, he smiled trying to remove that look of his girlfriend's face. 

“Can you help me bring these boxes to the neighbours?” he asked. 

She glanced at the plastic boxes in his room. 

“What is it for?”

He smiled, taking her hand and stroking the back of it softly with his thumb, he made her follow him and he took three boxes, putting one in the others, he did the same thing two times with six boxes. 

“It would be easier for him to find his clothes and to tidy them, you know?” he explained while walking to the bedroom's door. 

She followed him through the huge hall, her bag over her shoulder and making her heels resonate through the whole house. It was a big house, it needed to be when nine people were living there. There were actually 6 bedrooms, and all of them were used, the first one for Jay and Dan, the second one for Louis, one for Lottie, another for Félicité, the 5th for Daisy and Phoebe and the last one for the babies. They had to move in another house when Jay got pregnant with Ernest and Doris, it was a surprise, not a bad one though, a happy one, cheering everyone up and it made Daisy and Phoebe feel like big sisters for the first times, roles they took pretty seriously. They never left the city, just found another, bigger and cosier house in the another district.   
They walked to the front door, glancing at each other sometimes, when Louis had locked the door behind them, they both waited a bit until the door of the neighbours opened after he knocked and rang. Unlike the day before, it wasn't Gemma who opened it, but an older woman, dark hair tied in a messy pony tail, she was smiling widely at the couple. 

“Hi, I'm Louis...” he repeated like he already had done to Gemma the day before.   
“I know, come in.” 

They entered the cosy house and waited there, standing like they didn't have any right to move. The woman looked at Tamara, smiling at her and asking after a while:  
“Who's that beautiful girl?” 

Louis smiled while his girlfriend, embarrassed, looked down at the boxes. 

“Tamara...” she whispered.   
“She's my girlfriend.” he added.   
“I'm Anne, nice to meet you both!” 

Anne seemed pretty happy, her smile never leaving her face, she finally moved and took the boxes from the young girl's hands, putting them on the floor, doing the same with the ones Louis was caring. 

“Do any of you want something to eat or drink?” 

Louis immediately shook his head, swallowing and putting the fakest smile on his face afterwards, he answered he wasn't hungry and he knew Tamara answered the same to be polite. It wasn't being polite actually, she was just a shy girl, she would never let herself take food or drink from someone she didn't know well, nobody knew really why, that was just the way she was.   
Louis's lips stretched in a smile, thinking about what he wanted Harry to try now. He knew it still wasn't learning how to read or write properly but he was sure it wasn't what Harry should know first. He actually needed him to trust him, he needed him to enjoy what he was learning, he didn't want to discourage him the first sessions so he had decided not to start in a school way. Johannah had told him the atmosphere in the family wasn’t the best. Even if it wasn’t really his role, he wanted Harry to feel better, his role was to help him.   
After the introducing, Tamara decided it was time for her to leave, she kissed Louis fondly and smiled at him before exiting the house. Louis had finally explained why he needed them this time and they were all torn apart between anxiety and excitement. What if Harry refused? What if Harry was getting mad? What if Harry…. Louis tried to reassure them, explaining the boy was going to understand, that he wasn't as close minded as they thought, while talking, Louis begged to be right. He decided to make Harry leave his room, and it would probably be the harder thing of the both. He knocked slowly, biting his bottom lip and chewing a bit. The door opened on him, his hair still covered by a beanie, but Louis smiled when he saw what Harry was wearing, a pair of black skinny jeans, hole at the knees were showing his tan skin and a black hoodie, still wide, covering his whole chest and arms. On it he could read “It is what it is” and Louis smiled wider, what a coincidence. He noticed how hard Harry was trying to smile but the rest of his face was still full of pain. His Ray Ban sunglasses still on his nose. 

“Hi Harry!”   
“Hi.” that was a simple, low whisper but Louis still caught it.   
“Do you mind if we're going downstairs?”

At this point, Harry froze, stopped moving all at once, he just frowned at Louis, he wanted to say no, yes he minded if they were going downstairs, because how bad he wanted to see his mother, his sister and how bad it hurt when he was realising, every single time, that he would never be able to do it again. He didn't want to hear them talk, trying to put his eyes on them, always failing. He hated himself for this, for all of that, these thousand of things he wasn't allowed to do, these hundred of things he couldn't do at all, just trapped in a little cage, his room was becoming his cage but he trapped himself in, nobody never locked him in, he did it himself and he felt safer there. Louis couldn't help but notice that thing over the younger boy's face. Pain. He was about to rub Harry's arm with his hand, but he knew he could react in a bad way and he didn't want to scare him. 

“Please, Harry, I...” Louis stopped for a second, unsure of how he could present what would come before he exclaimed “I have a surprise for you, downstairs...”

Surprise was a big word, he shouldn't have said that because he didn't know what happened exactly between Harry and his family. He could guess though. The violent changes Harry had been the victim of had probably made him angry at first. He probably pushed away his family.   
Harry shook his head, he really didn't want to, he wanted to hide himself under the covers and stay hidden for the rest of the month. Or maybe even the year, what about his whole life?

“Harry...” 

But he knew he was wasting his time just by the way Harry was playing with his fingers. The older one thought a bit and after some minutes, he asked to the other boy to wait here and he went downstairs. 

“He doesn't want to, so can you just both come upstairs?”

In less then three minutes, they were sitting on his bed, Harry was frowning leaning against his door, Louis standing to his side. He couldn't see, that was true, that was a fact but another fact was that all these things about other senses getting developed seemed true, he was deprived from his eyesight and he was focusing much more on his other senses, because someone had probably dropped a whole fragrance bottle on themselves, it was hurting his nose. 

“So let's start?” Louis offered.

He glanced at the two people sitting on the bed, Anne and Gemma. 

“What's going on?” Harry asked. 

He was lost, why people were in his room while he never wanted anybody in, he never wanted anybody to come here and see him the way he was. What exactly was “the way he was”? Himself didn't know. He could stand in front of a mirror for ages it wouldn't change anything, it would still be dark, not even any stars to brighten his mind, just the darkness he was trapped in. How could he even stand to live that way? He was already so done. 

“Can you walk forward a bit, Harry?” Louis started. 

His voice echoed in the younger boy's mind, hurting every inch of his brain, he didn't know why, it was just his name, pronounced by a stranger. Louis was still a stranger, he didn't know anything about him. Well apparently, he was supposed to be around his age. That's all, not even a real number.   
Yet, Harry made a step forward, still frowning, because what was all of this supposed to be? Was he supposed to show people he could still walk even if he wasn't able to see anything or what? That was really ridiculous and Harry felt suddenly like a freak, well he felt that way a lot lastly. He suddenly felt two hands pushing his lower back and his heart jumped violently, it scared him badly. He swallowed and bit his bottom lip. 

“Now, just held your hands, slowly...” 

Harry sighed, what did all of this mean? It was starting to be scary and weird and he didn't feel really good. But a palm wrapped around his wrists and did it for him, at that point, he froze and couldn't move at all. It was damn scary. When his fingertips met something, he pulled his hands away, what was that? What was he about to do? What was going on? He wanted to stop, to yell to these people it was time to get out of his room and he wanted to hide as a baby mouse in his blanket. 

“Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on?” Harry spat angryly.  
“That's okay, please just do it...” 

Louis tried to convince the teenager and Harry swallowed a bit and sighed loudly before stretching his hands in front of him, his fingertips met something again. Soft hands pressed against his and he knew it wasn't Louis', his palms were now totally on the surface and he guessed it was a face, it was weird, so strange to feel a face that way.   
Harry wanted to hide himself, he felt tiny, he felt really stupid but what if it was actually the right thing to do? What if Louis knew what was good? What if he actually knew what he was doing? But no, no Harry didn't want to, it was making him feel like a baby. He hated that. People knew he hated to feel that way so why still pushing him to do things making him feel bad? Anne took her son's hands again, making them covering her own face, taking his fingers and making them running on her skin, stroking her eyelids, she made his thumbs feel her chin and jaw line, then the nose. It was hard. For both of them. When Harry ran his hands through her hair, he frowned, he already touched his mom's hair a lot, when he was younger he just loved making strange haircuts because he was bored so he knew and he probably wouldn't have knew without the hair. He felt his eyes tearing up and he bit his bottom lip. He felt his heart breaking or speeding he didn't even know anymore, it was a strange feeling, here in his chest, he suddenly wrapped his arms around her neck, making her froze from surprise, she could feel his own heart beat against her chest. It was so good. It was probably the most amazing feeling she ever felt. Her son's heart, beating against hers, because she couldn't even remember the last time she actually held him in her arms, feeling more motherly then ever, feeling like her baby was finally back to her. It was so beautiful, to live or to see. She remembered that Harry was alive, she knew it now, yes at some point she had doubts, and it broke her heart. She had felt like becoming crazy, she had thought imagining everything. Anne had read some things on the internet, saying mothers could imagine and think their child were still alive while they were not, because of the shock, they didn't want to accept the truth. She had thought at some point that she was one of them. Now she knew she was wrong, Harry was alive, he was there in her arms and she never felt more alive herself. The mother wrapped her arms around her son, holding him tightly, he was there. Against her, as the new born when she gave birth for the second time. 

“Mum...” he whispered. 

Harry's voice was so broken, he was sobbing but she didn't care if her shirt was getting wet of his tears, she couldn't care less. It was her son. The whisper. Anne knew she would never forget it. She would never be able to forget that sound. It was heartbreaking and the most beautiful sound she'd ever heard, like the tears of a new born.   
Gemma was crying Louis opened the door as Anne stretched her arm to bring a daughter in the hug. Anne made Harry sit on her laps, no he wasn't too old for this, even at 40, he wouldn't be too old to sit on his mum's laps. He just felt like a new born and actually he didn't really care this time. To be totally honest, he liked the way he felt. He felt that thing getting off his shoulders and it seemed like he was able to breathe more properly than before. Louis left silently, closing the door behind them and smiled in the hallway. They just stayed there, Harry's arms wrapped around his mother's neck and her own arms wrapped around his tiny waist. At some point, they had laid down, Anne humming an old lullaby she used to sing at him when he was a child. And he slowly fell asleep with the comforting sound of his mother's voice and held by his sister and mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!   
> So here's the new chapter, I know it's not really good... I am sorry about that!   
> As always, if you see and notice any mistake, don't hesitate and let me know!   
> I hope you liked this chapter :)   
> Thanks for reading!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	6. Chapter 6

# DINNER

_**July 8th** _

Louis was playing with Tamara's hair for a while when the door opened loudly on his mother, she smiled when she saw her son stroking his girlfriend's hair while she was asleep. Tamara was a great girl, always there for her son and that was probably why Jay loved her that much, she was respectful. 

“Louis, Anne called, she would like to have us for diner tonight, to thank us or something. Can you just, you know, get ready?” 

Jay was smiling widely, the call she got from the neighbour filled her heart with joy, she was so proud of her son, and Anne couldn't stop thanking her for what she did but Jay didn't do anything but gave birth to the boy, well, thinking about it, it was pretty much a big thing. When Louis got his diploma, his mother thought she couldn't ever feel happier and more proud of him than she was, but once again, he surprised her and made her feel the most proud mother on earth. She was just there, looking at her oldest child, begging him silently to never leave her. He nodded with a tiny smile over his thin lips but as she was going to close the door, he asked unsure: 

“Can I bring Tamy?” 

Jay stopped moving, she frowned a bit then sighed while making a step forward, how to say no to someone like him? He was looking at her with hope, well that's what it looked like from where she was. 

“Don't you think 7 guests are enough?” she said, trying to soften her voice as much as she was able to. 

The last thing she wanted was to make him think she didn't want Tamara to join, the truth was, she really didn't want to add more people, that wasn't mean, probably the opposite to be honest. But she had a big family and although she was proud of it and of all of her children, she knew it was a big thing that having 7 almost-strangers for diner.   
He nodded and she smiled softly before closing the door behind her, reminding him to get ready soon because it was already passed 5pm and they probably needed to be there at 6pm. He stood up slowly, trying not to wake his girlfriend up, he grabbed some underwear, a pair of skinny jeans and a black tank top, trapping the clothes in his arm, he locked himself in the bathroom and started undressing himself. When the cold water finally hit his bruised body, he stopped the shocked scream from escaping his mouth and started shivering. He didn't turn the hot water on though, he had taken the bad habit to take cold shower for a bit now, not because he felt warm or anything, it just made all of his muscles contract at once, it was almost painful most of the time but he just had to find something. Louis never thought he was the kind of people able to hurt themselves and he didn't want to be one. He just wanted to accept himself, he wanted to be one of these boys, looking at their own reflection and listing what they liked about themselves. He got to a point that he didn't even want to look at himself anymore, he just wanted to stay in the dark, away from the light, then his eyes couldn't see any of his biggest flaws he hated so much. Louis ran his hands through his drowned hair, pulling it a bit.   
When he entered his room fully dressed, he noticed Tamara was sitting on his bed and seemed mesmerized by the screen of her phone, a frown over her face. He observed her a bit, she didn't even realise he was back. She started taping on the screen, the frown never leaving her face, getting even bigger. 

“What's wrong?” he asked, taking a step towards her and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

She raised her head in a sudden move, like she was just caught doing something wrong, making Louis frown and look at her intensely. 

“No-nothing.” 

Tamara never stuttered, he didn't remember hearing her stutter even once in his entire life so he knew something was wrong. Louis' mind made things always bigger and worse. He felt his heart tightening in his chest, he suddenly sat closer, his girlfriend dropped her phone on the blanket and covered it with her hands. She tried to smile but he wasn't stupid, he was able to notice when a smile was fake, he was the master at faking happiness so he knew. 

“Tamy... Tell me what's going on.” 

Louis could smell the bad scent of guilt escaping from her and he hated that. When he saw her grabbing her phone and trying to stood up, he trapped her hand in his and tried to take her phone. The young boy never liked being this kind of boyfriend, freaking out over something as stupid as a phone but he didn't want to wake up one day, realising she was cheating on him. 

“Louis, stop, that's just Zayn, calm down!” 

He wondered why. Why Zayn would ever talk to his own girlfriend? He wasn't jealous, but he was worried, he didn't want Tamara to know anything about his lies and only Zayn knew about that, he trusted his best friend but what if he decided to actually talk about that to someone. Louis couldn't say the truth about these things to Tamara or his family, so he lied, but wasn't it for his own good? To protect himself from losing his friends or family, he couldn't risk anything. Louis felt like a coward. He was acting like a child who didn't want to face his own mistakes.   
As he was about to ask why she was talking to Zayn over texts, the door opened and Lottie entered the room with Doris in her arms, the little girl was playing with her big sister's hair with wide eyes, mesmerized by the braids she got the day before. His blonde sister was looking at them with a frown but she finally broke the silence. 

“Sophia just arrived, we're ready to go, mum is calling for you.” she said with a tiny smile. 

Lottie felt a bit embarrassed, she saw at the first picture she got when she entered that something was wrong. She never really saw Louis and Tamara fight because they were both really calm and stuck together most of the time although she assumed they did sometimes. 

“I'm ready...” 

Louis felt Tamara's eyes on him, he didn't look at her, he simply explained he had to go to the neighbour with his family, actually he didn't want to go anymore, he wanted to stay at home, taking care of the babies by himself and just doing nothing but watching the telly. He walked to his sister and held out his hands toward Doris, she looked at him with a huge smile and did the same toward him, her little chubby fingers wiggling. Lottie gave the child to her big brother carefully and Doris immediately buried her face in the crook of his neck, her little hand against his chest, she was pulling on his tank top and he stroked the back of her hand slowly. They then left the room, Tamara following behind them, Lottie was talking about the neighbours and saying how excited she was to meet them. She was a nice girl, calm and always smiling. Louis and her had always been really close, he was watching after her and she liked that, she couldn't actually really spend a single week without talking to him, she needed her big brother in her life. He was always there for her, no matter what and she couldn't thank him enough for that. When they entered the living room, Louis went to greet Sophia, Liam's girlfriend, Jay didn't know that and Louis nor anybody would say it her. She wouldn't kick her out but she would be hesitant about leaving the twins to her and Louis knew it could make him angry.   
While Lottie started talking with the girl, Louis pecked Tamara’s lips and looked at her as she left the house without a word, stroking the back of her neck nervously. He then sat down in the kitchen, Doris on his laps.   
After some minutes, they were all waiting behind the neighbour's front door, waiting for it to open. When it was finally open, Anne smiled widely when she saw them, she already knew it was a pretty big family and she liked the fact that, except for the babies, they were all there. She made them come in and they all shared quick hugs. Louis went to hug Gemma and the girls followed him. Once it was done, Gemma bit her lip embarrassed and nervous at the same time. 

“Harry doesn't want to come downstairs, he said he's not ready... I tried but he just doesn't listen to me at all.” she explained with a sad look. 

Louis nodded and ran upstairs, he's came only twice but he already knew which door was his room, it wasn't that hard to be honest. When he knocked, the door surprisingly opened immediately on Harry, his sunglasses always covering his eyes, but he looked sad, really sad and Louis didn't need to see his eyes to notice it. The look painted on the younger boy’s face broke Louis’ heart and he bit the inside of his cheek. He entered the dark room and closed the door behind. 

“What's wrong, Harry?” he asked while turning around to face him. 

Harry held his hands to find the mattress and sat down on his well done bed. He then buried his head in his palms, covering his whole face. A loud sigh escaped his lips and he pulled his curls a bit. Louis watched helpless, what could he do? He was pretty sure that he couldn't do anything about Harry's sadness, he wasn't there to be his therapist, he could just help him to live properly but what about the tears and the pain inside the young boy? How could he be able to heal this, he didn't know and he sincerely hated that feeling, feeling useless. He squatted in front of him and took his wrists softly in his palms, he didn't want to freak the boy out, it was the last thing he wanted to do. He pulled them away from his hair, taking his fingers off his curls and keeping them into his own hands. He looked up at the younger boy who had trapped his bottom lip between his teeth, Louis sighed, leaving a wrist to take Harry's chin between his fingers. He pressed his thumb under his lip, whispering: 

“I already told you not to do that...” 

He wanted to soothe him. Harry's heart speeded up in his chest when he felt the older boy’s fingers on his face, he didn't want anyone to touch him that way, never, that was probably why he broke up with his girlfriend, he couldn't handle someone touching him anymore. It was waking up another pain at the bottom of his stomach, making him want to puke badly. He turned his face on the left, running away from Louis' hands but at the same time he let his lip go. Louis stood up and sat down beside him. He was about to take his hand in his but he stopped himself, he definitely knew Harry would freak out and he hated himself for making the kid feel worse than he seemed to feel already. He wanted him to trust him, it was the best way to help him. You can't help someone who doesn't trust you, that was totally impossible. He just wanted to help. He wanted that so bad. 

“Just come downstairs, they're not monsters, I swear.” 

Harry shrugged. He didn't know what he was feeling at the moment, it was pretty much weird to be honest. In one hand, he wanted to know Louis' family, he wanted to be sociable and a great son and greet them the way they deserved but there was a thing inside. Something was stopping him from standing up and going there. He just wanted to hide himself here for the rest of his life. That was eating him, like rats with sharp teeth and it was really painful, like thousands of teeth trapping his whole stomach and chewing slowly. 

“But I can't see them...” he whispered. 

Louis took some seconds to understand what Harry truly said. He couldn't see them. That was true but Louis didn't understand why it was a reason for him to stay hidden there, he couldn't just run away from life and avoid people all the time. It wasn't what we could call a life, he was just trying to avoid the pain and although Louis could easily understand feeling pain wasn't pleasant, he knew that the curly haired boy shouldn't just keep building his own strong walls and make his room a golden castle where he would stay locked for weeks and months, far, far away from other people's eyes. 

“I wouldn't even be able to look at them in the eyes to show I understand and that I find them interesting... They will just think I'm disrespectful and I don't want to disappoint anyone...” 

Louis sighed, looking at his hands. Harry was so sure about what he was saying, he really thought that someone would ever be upset because he wasn't able to look at them. And that sounded too bad and wrong. Or maybe that wasn't really the reason. But Louis decided it wasn't time for this, he wanted Harry in the kitchen or the living room or anywhere but he wanted him to leave his safe room. 

“Nobody will be disappointed! Never, because they're not childish! Harry, no one would ever be mad at you because you don't look at them, please, believe me and come with me.”

He wanted to act like an adult, that was probably when people started to stop being treated as a baby, right? So what if he went downstairs? So what if he said hi and just stayed there, eating a bit and listening. They just needed his body to be there with them, showing his own presence and then, as soon as they were gone, he would just have to run to his room and find his pillow and blankets and everything would be fine, that's how it was working, right? So Harry stood up slowly, pushing his sunglasses up. He nodded, showing to Louis he was ready, ready to go, his first step outside his room. Louis smiled, proud of himself and proud of Harry to fight his fear. God knew how hard it was.   
Louis opened the door and they walked through the hall to find themselves downstairs. Harry's heart was running so fast in his chest he wanted to puke. When Gemma saw them, her smiled became so huge it made Louis smile, she seemed so happy to see him. Soon, the two families were in the living room, Jay smiled and made some quick steps towards him, her son caught what she was about to do and stopped her with wide eyes and head shaking, she couldn't hug Harry, not now. Jay had always been the kind of woman who wanted to hug everyone, it was her way to say hi and welcome. Spreading love around her. Harry sat down on the couch with the discrete help of his mother. She was sitting beside him, stroking his sweatshirt covered arm slowly. She missed him so much, the feeling was pretty much indescribable. They all suddenly heard the bell rang and Louis didn't miss the excited look Gemma gave to her mother, she walked to the door while Harry was obviously frowning. After a while, they saw a blonde haired boy enter the room, his smile brightening the living room. It was probably Niall, Gemma had told Louis about him. He was Harry’s best friend, or maybe used to be. All he knew was that when Harry moved out, their friendship wasn’t the best, Harry had pushed him away a lot and was barely talking to him. Louis looked at Harry when he heard Niall greeting people with a quick presentation. Harry had raised his head and frowned badly, his heart getting heavy and painful in his chest. He wanted to run, run away from them, fast and never stop running. He knew that voice and he didn't really want to hear it. He wanted to talk, ask why Niall was there, in his living room and Louis caught the look painting the younger boy’s face, it wasn't good and he felt bad. Himself didn't know Niall would be there. 

“Hi Harry!” Niall said pretty much shyly. 

And he didn't answer. He stayed quiet.   
They soon found their way to the table and Harry was sitting between Gemma and Louis. The table was pretty small for so many guests so they had taken another one from the living room to add to the first one. They sat down where they wanted and they found out they weren't too tight finally. When they all started eating, Anne glanced at Louis. 

“Why didn't you bring your girlfriend Louis?”

Louis froze a bit but looked at her right after, putting the most believable fake smile on his lips and shook his head slowly, but when he was ready to answer, Jay did, in a guilty tone. 

“I thought it would be too much!”

Anne opened wide eyes, _no it wasn't_ , she thought. Nothing could ever be too much, Louis literally put Harry back into her motherly empty arms and she couldn't even thank him enough for that. She felt better then ever and she could never be able to forget that feeling that filled her at this moment, thanks to Louis. The latter glanced at his mother who was looking at her with a sad smile, he didn't want that. 

“We had a fight anyway so she wouldn't have come!” he added. 

He caught the frown forming over his mother's face. He knew she would ask questions but it wasn't the place to talk about his fight with Tamara, they would have more time later at home. 

“We won't talk about this right now, okay mum?”

She nodded with a smile and the parents started chatting with each others, Gemma was making bonds with Lottie while Niall was trying his best to talk to the twins and Félicité who seemed really mesmerized by the boy, making Louis smile. Louis lost his smile almost immediately when the chair next to him fell in a loud sound. He flinched a bit when he saw Harry on the floor, the glasses had fallen from his face but he grabbed them quickly and put them back on, he tried to stand up as fast as he could, Anne had put her palm over her lips shocked, she squatted next to him to help him but he pushed her away, sniffing, his arms outstretched in front of him, trying to avoid everything and the older boy felt his heart breaking a bit. Harry took at least two minutes to find the stairs and he started to run, the room were drowned in a murdering silence, Jay had joined Anne to help her to stand up, her eyes were filled with tears, breaking Louis' heart a bit more. He couldn't do anything about that. Once again Louis was useless. Why was he even there if he couldn't do anything to help Harry to get better. But Louis was so naïve, it was so deep inside Harry, his whole soul was breaking apart slowly and each piece was as tiny as a speck of dust. Was it even possible to make a rock with billions of specks of dust scattered everywhere? Probably not, that meant it was probably impossible to fix Harry's soul. He was just dying silently without anyone knowing and he wanted to scream to get help, but he was feeling like he had lost his voice as well.   
He almost fell more then once while running to his bedroom. He just couldn't handle that, these rats kept eating him so bad and it was hurting and he was feeling his eyes burning under his glasses. He laid down on his bed, unmaking it and covering his body with the warm blanket, he soon heard his own sobs waking up in the silent room. It seemed like he was almost able to hear his heart falling apart inside his body, it was hurting as hell. The ache in his chest was running fast and trying to possess every single organs. He put the hood on his head, pulling on it, trying to hide his whole face, a loud scream was trying to escape his mouth, tearing apart his throat painfully. He wanted his eyesight back so bad, who wouldn't? He was lost in the darkness, drowning in his own mind, his own gloomy memories killing him slowly, the sound of the car breaking into thousand of pieces here and there, like a rain of metals, the screams, and that stupid singer who kept singing while his body were flying around in the little metal coffin. The pain, filling his whole broken body, wrapping around his bones in shreds. That pain, hell, it seemed like he was still feeling it all over there like Mike Tyson was kicking his heart again and again, all day long, all night long, keeping him awake. He wanted to write so bad at this point, that was what he was used to do before he lost the right to see a paper or a pen. He was used to just lay words down on some notebook and getting his mind free of the aches and the haunting dark thoughts. But now he was trapped. Blindness was a prison to him and they were holding him back there for months and he just wanted this to end. He heard the door open slowly and he cursed himself for not having locked the door in his rush, he turned around in his bed, lying with his back to the person who entered the room. He wasn't able to beg them to get out because once he opened his mouth, his first word died in a sob so he gave up. As always, he gave up, once again. The sound of the steps was getting louder and he assumed the person was getting closer to him. He just wanted to be alone, as always. Just by himself. As hurtful as it was, he would rather stay without anyone around. He felt the bed slump a bit and he knew the person just sat down next to him. 

“Are you okay?” he heard Louis' voice whispering.

But how bad did Harry wanted to just jump on him and make him leave his room right now. He didn't want to hear his voice, he didn't want to hear anyone's voice, just the silence. He missed the silence. The constant calm all around him, closing his eyes and just hearing nothing, he missed that so much. So he didn't speak up, he kept silent, pressing his pillow against his face, his sunglasses hurting against his nose. 

“Harry, what happened?” he tried once again. 

His voice was hurting Harry's ears badly, why was he even here? Why did he have to come here? 

“A damn car accident happened!” he almost shouted. 

His voice was raspy and cold, in his mind was running a river of insults he decided to kept in. He didn't want to hurt anyone but why people always wanted to see if he was okay, how was he supposed to be okay after he had to say goodbye to all of this? All the colours, the pictures, the nature, the trees, even the films and all of these things. He was done with the pain and all of this, it was hurting and he was getting so tired to even try. He didn't want to anymore. Hope was slowly leaving his whole body and he didn't even care about that. He sat up, keeping his head down. Tugging on his hair. 

“I can't see my family! I'm useless, I won't ever be able to do anything anymore. I feel like I lost everything, I don't even want to try to learn, it's helpless and I'm hopeless, you're wasting your time with me! You won't be able to give me my eyes back, it will always be gone and I will always be in the dark and... And what if I forget what they look like? What if I forget my mum's face? I can't get through all of this, what kind of son forget his parent's face? I can’t use anything in the house. Why am I even here right now? No one need me anymore! I'm just a heavy burden on my family's shoulders and I should just...” 

Harry felt a violent fist hitting his right shoulder, making him flinch and topple on the mattress. 

“Don't ever say that! Your mum loves you so much and your sister tries her best to help you. Yes this will be hard, that's a fact and you know it I won't try to lie to you. I will try to help you but only if you let me to help, if you open your ears and take all your strength! You have to want to fight! I want you to but I can't force you! Harry, you're young and alive and pretty healthy, plus you know you're a cute kid, you will fight for this, living properly even without seeing! Because you don't need your eyes to be happy, smart, a great son or a great person. You just need your brain and your heart, and you have both, so use them!”

Once Louis had finished, he stood up, Harry opened his ears, trying to hear any steps but there were nothing but a heavy breathe disturbing the silence the room was currently drowned in. It was awkward. They were both able to feel it, Louis was looking at Harry who had sat up and was playing, embarrassed, with the seams of his blanket. Louis' words were running through his head, like he was listening to them again and again, like a constant whisper against his ear. 

“I want to read...” Harry whispered, shyly

Louis barely heard what the younger boy had said but he smiled sadly. 

“Do you want to start tomorrow?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! I hope every single one of you is okay! If you're not, don't forget, treat yourself like a queen (or king) and take care of you, you deserve the best!   
> So that is the new chapter! Any mistake? Point them out in the comments and I would gladly correct myself! :)  
> I hope you all spent a nice moment reading this chapter.   
> Thanks for reading :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	7. Chapter 7

# JUST A WORD

**_July 9th_ **

Louis was sitting with Harry on his bed, he was watching him, leaning on the mattress, sitting cross-legged, his fingers trying to run on the paper, the frown over the younger boy's face was getting worse and worse through the minutes. The director of the school agreed to lend a Braille alphabet book to Louis and he couldn't thank him enough for that. It was about 5pm, Louis was secretly trying his best to avoid Tamara, he hadn't answer the phone and had ended up by turning it off before coming, he didn't want to face her, he was still scared about what could Zayn have possibly said to her. The questions was running in his brain, it seemed like he was even able to hear it, said by his own voice, he felt like becoming crazy, a bit more crazy each day. He could feel that heavy weight on his chest and it didn't want to leave, staying there, getting heavier and heavier, taking his breath away from his lungs. It was getting so painful, anxiety was so heavy and huge on his stomach, making him puke sometimes and he wanted to stop all of this. He slid his hands in his hair, running his fingers through it, pulling a bit without really noticing. It was eating him, devouring his brain slowly, he couldn't even think straight anymore and he hated that. Who would like that anyway? He felt something patting his ankle gently making him look down at the thin, long fingers next to his foot, his eyes went up to look at Harry, his head a bit up, an eyebrow raised. 

“Yes?” 

His hand let his hair go and he put his own fingers on his knees, tapping his skinny jeans with the tips of his fingers. He looked at Harry's face, always covered by his sunglasses, he wanted to see his eyes, why hiding them? He wanted to rip them from his face and throw them somewhere he wouldn't be able to go. 

“I got the first letters but...” Harry started, his cheeks getting a strong shade of red. 

He was working on that book for an hour or so, at first, Louis was explaining how to find the good letter, then he just sat and watched him learn. It was a beautiful thing to be witness of. Most of the time, his eyes never left Harry's face, he wanted to read on his face if he was understanding or not. Because Harry wasn't big of a talker, he wanted to keep his problems to himself, he wouldn't have said it if he didn't understand. That was probably why Louis was a bit surprised by what the younger boy had just said. Maybe he didn't know him since years but he was pretty fast to grasp people and how they worked.   
Louis stood up and walked toward Harry, standing beside him, looking down at the Braille book, he climbed on the bed behind him. In a slow move, he covered the back of Harry's hands with his palms, pressing his fingers against Harry's ones. Harry's heart tightened in his chest, blood running faster and faster through his body, he froze at the touch. The feeling of the touch around his hand felt so weird, that wasn't a bad thing though, well he didn't really know. It was just a strange feeling here, trapped in his chest. It was making his heart beat faster. It was making his hand sweat. It was putting knots in his throat and making his lungs heavier. Louis' cold skin was almost freezing Harry's hot one, but he didn't pull away. He surprisingly felt _safe_ there, Louis' chest pressed against his back. He didn't tell a word although thousands of them were getting through his messed up mind, his mouth was almost closed, a thin gap was forming between his lips, helping him to breathe easier. He kept his head down, more down than ever and it was tugging on his bones, the back of his neck started to hurt but he couldn't raise his head. If he did, he knew it would interlock in the crook of Louis' neck, and he didn't want that to happen. It was already embarrassing for him. He was trying to breathe as calmly as possible, but it was hard, his heart was jumping so fast and was making his lungs work so quick, that was causing him chest pain. He felt Louis moving their fingers together against the paper, his own skin meeting the irregularities that were supposed to help him to read: there were four this time, square-shaped. He thought about the last letter he learnt, which was a “F”, so he said, in the lower voice possible: 

“G?”

His low voice wasn't on purpose, it wasn't even a whisper, it was barely audible, but obviously, as close as Louis was, he heard him. 

“Good!”

Louis' voice wasn't as low as Harry's, but it wasn't loud either and his breath stroke Harry's neck, causing him to giggle a bit, he was probably the most ticklish person on the whole earth and a simple wind hitting his skin could make him laugh. Their fingers slid to another letter. Louis pressed on Harry's fingers, helping him to feel the paper better. 

“This one?” Louis asked. 

Harry had learnt the basic, each letter was supposed to fit into a vertical rectangle made of 6 raised dots. This time, there were three. Harry frowned and bit his lip, brushing his fingertips over and over again on the embossed paper, before whispering again:

“Well, a “H”?”

Louis smiled, proud of himself, but mostly proud of Harry. He was trying so hard and it was really good and it brought hope in Louis about the mental state of the young man, he needed so much to realise how adult he was, that no, he wasn't a kid, helpless or useless. All of that was stupid and he didn't want to hear him say that, Harry shouldn't have even thought about this in the first place. 

“Like your name!” he added. 

Harry sighed with a tiny smile over his pink lips.   
They kept going for two more hours, teaching Harry each single letters, after the “I”, Louis had left Harry's hand though. He knew Harry would find the others letter by himself. He then taught him the Grade 2 of the Braille Alphabet, the abbreviation and other words and Harry felt more at ease that way. It was a bit of a mess in his hand. He wanted to learn. But learning a whole new alphabet and another way of writing and reading was frustrating. He had to go back to nothing and learn everything. At the bottom of his heart, Louis was happy to have got these lessons at the Blind School he had worked to because he knew he was able to help Harry with his insecurities about being a stupid kid, because he wasn't. He wasn't stupid, he was so far from that. That was a smart person, open minded about everyone except himself and that was actually the case of a lot of people and Louis knew he wasn't really able to do anything about that and that was probably what was making him a bit upset about the situation. Sometimes, he would see the young boy biting his lip so hard and he couldn't do anything about that, when he was letting it go, Louis would see some teeth mark under his bottom lip and Louis' jaw was clenching thoughtlessly. 

“Let me try something.” Louis said while taking the book away from Harry's hands. 

The older boy started turning some pages, he wanted that to success and if it did, than he was pretty sure Harry would feel so proud of himself. He got the page he was looking for after some minutes, running his fingers through the paper. He was once again sitting in front of the curly-haired boy so he put the book on the bed, taking Harry wrists and setting his hands on the paper, leaning over the opened book, Louis tried to find the word before putting Harry's fingers on it and smiling to himself. 

“Can you tell me what is written there, Harry?” he asked taking his own hands back. 

He watched Harry, once again wearing a frown and sticking his tongue out between his lips, he was trying to focus so hard it looked a bit funny. He ran his skin over the page, three letters. Three. Three. Four. He raised an eyebrow, he didn't want to do a mistake or to say something stupid. But it was actually the good letters, well the one he remembered so, biting his bottom – already hurt – lip one last time, he said, raising his head up:

“Dog?” 

Louis smiled widely and jumped up on the bed, almost tripping in the blanket and it made Harry flinch of surprise when he felt the bed move suddenly. Louis shouted a loud and endless “Yay” and started bouncing up and down on the mattress, the other boy was grabbing the blanket not to fall. 

“Louis, stop, you will break my bed!” Harry shouted suddenly. 

He wasn't upset just surprised by the sudden joy Louis was getting, just for a simple word. It wasn't like DOG was a complicated, long word, it was really short and it wasn't making Harry really joyful like Louis wished it would have. Disappointed, the 18 year old boy jumped once again and let himself fall on the bed and sat down. 

“Are you saying I am fat?” 

His voice was cold. Really cold and Harry raised his eyebrows, surprised once again. He started to stutter some excuses, trying to calm down the already amused Louis. 

“N-no, not at all! I di-didn't say that, it's because m-my bed, you know, a bed is fragile.”  
“Because I'm pretty thin actually!” he said. 

Louis rolled his eyes, he wasn't even believing what he was saying. How can you make people believe what you're saying if yourself can't believe your own words? Tamara had always told Louis how he needed to drop some pound and gain some muscle, she used to pinch his stomach now and then and give him a disappointed look. It ended up making him believe that she was right, he was probably too fat if she acted like that. Harry nodded slowly, shrugging and patting his blanket awkwardly. He couldn't see Louis and compliment him about any physical aspect so he just kept silence, he jumped when he heard the sound of the book being closed in a sudden move. He wanted to learn more, it was just a short word, what about longer words? The motivation was running into his veins for once and it was time to use it until it falls asleep or until his brain explode with too much informations and knowledge on. He wanted to know more and more. He wanted to be able to read a book soon. Reading was probably one of the most important things for him before the accident and he wanted to do it again. He didn't know where that motivation was coming from but he liked that. He didn't feel down or bad or dumb for the first time for months and he didn't want to let it go away from him, Harry wanted to keep it, here, hidden in his heart while it was pushing him to learn more and more. He wanted to be a normal person, do normal things. He wasn't sure he would ever be able to do everything by himself, he would need help sometimes but he wanted to be an adult. Harry was done with the tears and the pain, the fear and the bad feelings. He wanted to be like Louis, jumping of joy for nothing, he wanted to be as happy as Louis was. If he knew the _truth_ though, he wouldn't wish that, he would probably wish to be the opposite of him. Because Louis, himself, had a broken soul. He didn't lose his eyesight, and he was still able to talk and to hear but inside of his head, even with all these things he had and was able to do, he was still not able to smile for real and feel happiness. Harry's happiness was gone in a rush while Louis' one was leaving him slowly, sneakily, not all at once, it was going away with everything still unbroken. Actually, it was like an army of ants, thousands of them hidden in the dark of his heart, each one taking something important, something unharmed on their back, caring it through his whole body and leaving it, one by one. They were leaving him alone, from full to totally empty. 

“I want to learn more! Give me a longer word, please?” Harry begged. 

Louis smiled lightly while looking at Harry, his curls were falling on his forehead and some, longer, across his sunglasses. He took the book on his knees and opened it once again, running his fingers through the pages, looking for a “longer word”, he didn't want it to be complicated, just a simple longer word, that was all Louis needed. When his fingers found a pretty good word, the book went back to Harry and this time he didn't need his “teacher” to put his hands on the letters and then started reading. Slowly. Harry was taking his time, he didn't want to do that too fast and make a stupid mistake because he wanted to look like he knew everything. No, his fingers just felt each grains one by one, his teeth trapping his lip once again. But it wasn’t long like Harry had demanded, he frowned, disappointed. Firstly, the word had only two letters and secondly he couldn’t manage to remember the second one. When Louis noticed the boy was frowning he simply said: 

“Remember the abbreviation...” 

Harry thought for a second, he closed his eyes tightly, trying to dig into his brain to find the one Louis was talking about. He assumed it wasn’t a two letter word, it was simply shortened. He knew it would take more time to learn and be able to write or even read, but he wanted it so bad, if he was motivated then maybe it would take less time. He brushed his finger one last time over the embossed paper before he bit on his bottom lip again. 

“Hand?” his voice was stuttering from doubt and fear of failing. He was almost certain he failed this one.

He didn't hear any answer though, the room was now drowned in a heavy silence. His fingers nails got trapped between his teeth and he started biting them, stressed by the lack of reply. Some fingers wrapped around his sweatshirt-covered wrists and the hand pulled his own away from his face. He held his breath, waiting. Waiting. 

“Yes!” 

Harry jumped when he heard the loud voice shouting just beside his ear, he squealed and put his palm against his ear. 

“Ouch! Don't do that, it hurts!” he complained. 

Suddenly, he was pushed on the bed, and after the fear, he soon felt ten fingers tickling his sides and tummy, he busted out laughing, not able to contain them, the loud sound full of joy mixed with prayers was filling the silent room usually filled by sobbing. The teenager was trying his best to free himself from Louis' hands but he was strong, and the ticklish boy was getting weaker and weaker because of the laughing, his tummy was starting to hurt. 

“Congratulation!” Louis shouted. 

His voice was loud enough to be heard over Harry's deafening laughters. Their voices were probably too loud though, because they didn't hear the door open nor Anne and Gemma entering the room in a rush, both were scared but frowned when they caught Louis tickling the poor weak body under his, begging him to stop between two laughters. They watched for a second before Anne spoke up. 

“Are you not supposed to work kids?” 

She was trying to sound and look angry, struggling to hide a smile. She couldn't even describe the happiness filling her body and her heart, it was indescribable, seeing her usually crying child with tears caused by laughing, it was beautiful. Truly beautiful and before she could understand what was going on, Gemma's phone was out of her pocket and she was taking pictures of the surprising but happy moment. For her too it was a beautiful show to be the witness of. She was there, taping on her screen, trying to take the most pictures she could. Louis jumped away from Harry, the young boy couldn't even sat up, he wrapped his arms around his tummy, trying to calm himself, his laughters dying slowly in the room. The pain was filling his tummy because it was still contracted from the tickling. As for Louis, he was already standing beside the bed, looking at Harry's family, his cheeks all red. 

“Harry did a good job so we decided to have a break?” 

It was supposed to sound sure but it sounded more like a question and the boy cursed himself for that. Anne broke her straight face to smile at Louis and pat his shoulders. 

“That's okay honey, I was kidding. You worked all the afternoon, do you want something to eat?”

He was about to answer by a negative reply, pretending he had eaten a lot before coming but Anne did it for him. 

“I guess you do! Do you want me to bring you something here?” 

She was unsure, after what happened to her son the day before, she didn't want to force him to go downstairs. But Harry finally sat up, his face grimacing from pain but his lips still letting some dying laughters leave his throat. 

“We're coming downstairs, mum!” 

They all opened wide eyes, looking at him more surprised than ever. He stood up slowly and asked for the time, Louis took his phone from his back pocket and realised it was still off, he bit his bottom lip, pressing a button and waiting for the screen to light up as Gemma was telling Harry it was passed 6. He rubbed his tummy, loud sounds coming from it, indicating he was actually really hungry. Louis' phone was finally on after some hours and lot of notifications covered his lock screen on which one, Tamara and Louis was cuddling while looking at the camera. Four missed calls and ten texts. He suddenly hoped they weren't all from his girlfriend. He hated being a source of worry for anyone and worse was if he was for his own girlfriend. He rubbed his forehead, worried, he slid his thumb across the screen, begging for the texts and calls to come from different people. Three were from Tamara, two others from Zayn, three from his mother and even two from Lottie. He cursed with a low voice and read them quickly, well, the ones he could actually read quickly. Tamara was begging him to answer, she was stressed and asking what she had done wrong, the last text from her was a page full of apologies, she was apologizing while she didn't even know what she had done, and that was logical she didn't know since she hadn't done anything wrong, well not directly. While reading, Louis couldn't help but feel like a coward, as always. Why would he even think about avoiding and running away from the best girlfriend he could ever get? She was making him happy, well, she had made him happy at the time when it was still possible. She had made him smile and laugh and he had felt so good and safe with her, she had a soothing voice, calming him down when he was getting angry. She was always there for him, no matter what and he knew that, so why, why would he just let her blame herself while she was supposed to blame him. Zayn was begging him to call, saying Tamara wasn't feeling good, asking what was going on between the two of them. His mum was angry, definitely mad at him for not answering her two calls, saying that they would have to talk about some things when he would be home. And his sister. His sister's texts broke his heart, apparently, she was feeling bad, explaining she needed to talk to him about something important, she was getting through a hard time and needed her big brother to tell her what to do and to lighten her mood. And he was there, about to eat something with a family he barely knew, a family full of people he was probably the opposite of, people who didn't know anything about him, people who could easily just let him down after he helped the youngest kid. Why was he even there for so long? He looked up, putting his phone back in his pocket. 

“I'm sorry I can't stay, I have to go, my friends and family need me right now...” he explained while looking at them. 

Anne raised her eyebrows, Gemma nodded and Harry frowned. He turned his head toward Louis, but all he heard was the steps of the latter leaving his room, what was going on? Did he do something wrong? Did Louis think he didn't need him anymore? He was wrong, he needed Louis, he wanted to learn more, he was only at the beginning. All three stayed there while Louis was running downstairs, he heard Niall's voice calling for him from the living room, he turned around, his eyes were red, struggling to retain his burning tears. He felt so much guilt, and it was so heavy and painful. Niall stood up from the couch and walked to him with a smile. He was about to say something but Louis cut him off before he had the chance to even try. 

“Harry's in a good mood, stop hiding and go talk to him!” he said before running to the front door. 

He opened it in a violent move and closed it behind him as violently as he had opened it, loudly. He crossed the road as fast as he could, his heart was hurting in his chest, not from running but from the feeling running his veins. Disappointment, he was so disappointed in himself. He was also ashamed, totally ashamed. His family was excepting so much from Louis, he was the first son, the oldest child in the house, wasn't he supposed to take care of his responsibilities? Nobody was understanding that yes, he was still, in fact, a child. He needed to breathe and have fun, he needed to let the pressure leave his body during parties, he needed to listen to music while taking a nap, he needed to be himself and stop hiding himself. Another Louis was born, the one everyone was seeing, it was so false, the falser mask he’d ever worn. And during this time, the real one, as little and broken he was, hidden at the bottom of his soul, was trying his best to survive. The truth was that this one was slowly disappearing, getting smaller and smaller, more broken each day and soon it would only stay some dust from it. The fire of regret and guilt had started to burn his whole body. When he entered the house, his eyes were about to explode. Words wouldn't be able to describe what was happening and all these waves of dark feelings hitting his organs. 

“Mum!” he yelled with a broken voice. 

Jay must have heard his hopeless scream because she was running in the kitchen with wide eyes, he covered his face with his palms, yelling thousand of apologies, begging her to forgive him. She'd never ever seen her son as broken as he was right now. She ran toward him, wrapping her arms around his trembling body, pressing her son against her. 

“Honey, what...” 

But Louis cut her off, and despite his clenched teeth he managed to say: 

“I'm so sorry. I am the worst son and brother ever, I'm even bad as a boyfriend! I'm so so, so sorry mum...” 

Jay tried to find an answer to why her usual happy and cheerful son looked suddenly so down and broken. She could say he was trying not to scream by the way he was clenching his teeth, she started to stroke his hair slightly with the hope it would soothe him. Her trembling hands grabbed Louis' cheeks and covered them, his beautiful blue eyes were shining from the salty water, his pink lips were trembling and some strand of his short hair were stuck to his cheeks. The picture was heartbreaking, she was trying to talk without breaking her voice, but it was hard. He looked so lost trying not to let the tears fall down his face.

“You're an incredible son, an amazing brother and I'm pretty sure you're a perfect boyfriend for Tamara! No matter what happened, you stay my son, forever, and you do a pretty good job as being one honey, I can guarantee you!” 

Louis was the first baby to fall asleep on her chest, he was the first one she bought clothes for, he was the first one she heard “mummy” from, he was the first one she taught how to walk to, all these first things she lived with him made her think he was supposed to take care of big things. He was supposed to be the strongest child, to be a great big brother and to be gifted in everything he was doing, people put so much weight on his shoulders it was starting to flatten him. _He was falling apart and no one was able to see anything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone !   
> How are you today? I hope you're all doing great!  
> Here I am with another chapter!   
> As you noticed, it's still more focused on Louis and it will always be more focused on him even though more characters will be introduced and "analysed" in the next chapters!  
> I hope you enjoyed that moment with me :)   
> Thanks for reading!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	8. Chapter 8

# POURING RAIN

**_July 13th_ **

The rain was pouring outside, soaking the street and forcing people to lock themselves in their house for the day. The heat had disappeared. The sun was gone and the beautiful blue of the sky turned into an odd grey. The night was slowly trapping the town, the houses seemed to get eyes when the lights turned on. Louis' soaking body was walking slowly in the middle of the street, he was pretty far from his street but he didn't really care anymore, his heart was lost and he was getting lost as well. He missed Tamara, but he couldn't call her, he knew she would hang up since she was mad at him for avoiding her for four days now. Why? He was scared. Scared she would know what he was hiding from her. He was still in love with her but the fear running through his veins was controlling him from head to toe and he was frozen. He didn't call or see Zayn either, he just kept his distance with everyone, everyone except his family. He obviously had to talk with Lottie and he had learnt she was falling in love with one of her class mate, he didn't know who though and as the young teenager she was she was totally lost. He had sat next to her on her bed and they had a talk about boys. Louis was a protective brother, a bit possessive, he wanted to keep his sisters innocent and happy. He was the kind of brother who could easily go threaten his sister's boyfriend to be sure he wouldn't hurt her, but she was 16. Even if she repeated a thousand times she didn't need him to protect her anymore she was actually really happy and touched he would keep his brother statue, and not just let her do her own mistake without trying to warn her. 

The flames were burning Louis' feet, getting higher and higher, covering slowly his whole body and the pain was impossible to stand, he was just breaking apart in hundred of thousand bloody pieces. He had decided to go home, he was starting to shudder and even if the rain wasn't shutting down the flames, he was still cold and drowning in the tears of the sky, as a child, his mother was telling him that rain was God's tears, he would have preferred if he would still believe it. His huge sweatshirt was soaked but the leather jacket he was wearing kept his sleeves and back dry. When he arrived midway, he heard sobs in the park, at first he thought he had just imagined it, becoming even crazier so he kept walking in the rain. He stopped when the slight sound was heard once again next to the trees. His eyebrows furrowed, his bottom lip getting trapped between his teeth before he started walking toward the trees. What was that? What if the person was hurt and needed to go to hospital he didn't take his phone, he wouldn't be able to call anyone. He was getting closer and closer to the tree hiding the trembling little body. The shuddering person was trying to hide themselves against the trunk, trying to escape from the rain, burying their face in their arms and their head put in the hood of their sweatshirt. The young man squatted next to the poor person, it wasn't a child and he felt a little weight leaving his heavy shoulders. His fingers went to pat their knees and they flinched, a little broken scream coming from their hood. The head raised up and Louis opened wide eyes while recognizing the boy, he couldn't see well but enough to know who the trembling body actually was. 

“Harry, it's me...” 

Louis' voice was so raspy after he had smocked his twenty (or so) cigarettes, he smelled like shit which meant tobacco mixed to alcohol. He had fell so hard from his little pink cloud in his happy paradise. He was now in hell, only burning rocks and lava, covering his whole soul and capturing it in a cage. 

“Who...” Harry stuttered. 

By his voice and his quick breath, Louis knew the other boy was freezing and he totally knew why. 

“It's Louis, come on, stand up...”

Harry tried, grabbing the tree and pulling on it to stand up from the soaked grass but he screamed and his tears once again droppied on his cheeks. Louis wrapped his fingers around Harry's forearms, trying to stop him from falling. 

“What's wrong?” 

He panicked, he was trying to see Harry better but the rain was covering his eyes and his lashes were getting heavier and heavier, pulling down on his eyelids, he rubbed his eyes quickly. Harry's teeth clenched with the pain, he lifted his left foot from the ground. 

“I fell and I hurt my leg, I can't walk...” 

The crying sound Harry was trying to hide was perfectly audible, proving the pain was actually huge. Yes it was, the younger boy thought someone had hit his leg constantly for an hour or so, he didn't know how much time he spent there, crying from the pain and the fact that he was lost. He felt something getting heavier on his shoulders, knowing Louis wanted him to sit he did so and waited. Louis was about to take off Harry's boots when Harry put his palm over his trembling lips to hide his scream. 

“Sorry, let me help you, okay?” 

It wasn't a question and Harry knew it when he felt strong arms sliding in his back and under his knees. He couldn't think of anything else but the killing pain banging in his leg, he was biting his lip, trying to forget that one by causing another pain, it was just getting worse though.

“Hold me.” 

And Harry raised his arms to wrap them around his neck, holding him like a Koala on a tree. Louis' breath was smelling like alcohol and tobacco and he wanted to puke, he hated it but he wouldn't complain, he would be home soon and even if his mum would probably yelling at him for being stupid, he just wanted a roof to cover his head and some comfy mattress under to lay on. The little body was trembling so much between Louis' arms that even before he could lift him, Louis took off his leather jacket, it wasn't warm but it would protect him a bit from the rain, covering Harry's chest with it and then he finally made him leave the ground. He started walking, trying to hold Harry the best he could. The kid wasn't heavy at all, but Louis already had issues to walk and hold himself well because of the alcohol running in his blood and controlling his body, now he had two bodies to carry and it was even harder. But he put all his strength in it, Harry's teeth were making sound by hitting each other since from the cold and Louis tried to put the boy closer, giving him the tiny heat he still got in his own body. His arms were starting to hurt a bit, so he decided he could talk to distract himself from the pain. 

“Why were you there?” he asked to start.

Harry swallowed, tying his fingers at the back of Louis' neck. He closed his eyes under his soaked sunglasses. 

“I wanted to walk, to go outside...” he explained. 

Louis frowned, he knew Harry wouldn't be that dumb to go outside alone, he knew he needed someone to guide him. Because first, he was blind and it was the biggest problem there since he couldn't see where he was going, and then, he just moved in, even someone who wasn't blind needed another person to show them where they were going, that was pretty logical.   
He didn't see Harry for four days and obviously the latter hadn't changed physically, he still had his light curls flying here and there, they were making him seem even younger than he actually was, he was looking like a little baby, there in Louis' arms. His sunglasses always stuck to his nose, covering his unknown beautiful eyes, his plump lips, still trembling. Louis liked summer when it was a bit grey and dark, he didn't like the full sunny scenery, and the warm weather making him think like he was dying of heat, but he didn't like the rainy summer days either, it was like the rain was lost there while it was supposed to be somewhere else, on another part of the earth. 

“Why did you go alone? Why didn't your sister come with you?” he asked. 

His hot breath was like smoke when it escaped his lips, hurting the cold air. Harry tried to shrug. The young boy had turned his head to the right, burring his face in Louis' torso to run away from the water falling from the now almost black sky. 

“I wanted to be normal...” he sighed. 

Harry was totally exhausted and he yawned, tears still streaming down his face. His forehead was pressed against the other's heart and he could feel it beat against his own skin, it was soothing. He focused his mind on it, paying only attention to the beating. Trying to forget the pain and the shame.

“You're normal Harry!” Louis exclaimed. 

The silence was back and he just walked, trying to stay straight on the road, he could barely see where he was putting his feet on the ground. He looked up to the houses, sighing of relief when he read the numbers of Harry's home on the front door. 

“Can you knock, just on your left.” 

Harry raised his left arm, keeping the other wrapped against Louis' neck, he searched the door with his fingers and when his skin finally met the wood his fist hit it a few times, it was a weak move before he placed his arms on Louis after the last knock, almost falling asleep. Louis' teeth were clenched as he put all the strength he still got in his arms to hold the boy, it was hard and almost impossible, the pain running and pressing his muscles so bad he was about to fall on the ground. When the door finally opened and the light hit his face, he thought he would thank God himself for giving him the chance to keep his arms. Anne's face was already covered by tears when she appeared, the phone pressed to her chest, she let escape a sigh of relief or of fear, Louis wouldn't be able to say what it was exactly. Anne opened the door wider, and Gemma let escape a squeal of fear when she finally saw them.

“Oh my god, what happened?” Anne finally said after hanging up. 

Louis' face were formed in a painful grimace, when they realised they told him to lay Harry down on the huge couch in the living room, he almost ran there and let Harry's body lay on the soft and comfy sofa, Louis let himself fall on the ground, massaging his arms, trying to make the awful pain leave his body. 

“What happened, Louis?” the curly-haired boy's mother asked once again. 

Louis tried to talk, he did really try but the pain burning his arms were so hurtful he couldn't stop clenching his teeth, trapping screams in his mouth, locking it in his throat. After some seconds, he looked up with watering eyes. 

“I found him in a park, he hurt his ankle I think, so I carried him there.” 

He suddenly felt two arms wrapping around his chest from his back, pressing on his painful biceps, he retained a scream once again, and let Gemma hug him and thank him from all her heart. Because once again, she thought she had lost her little brother and once again, her heart broke in her chest, thousand of hundred of bloody sharp pieces running through her body, weight getting heavier on her bones, breaking them, spreading pain everywhere.

After explaining what he knew, that was consisting to a few words actually, Louis had fallen asleep, his head on the couch next to Harry's knees, Anne had found her breath and heart back and spent an hour sitting on her rocking chair, a cup of tea between her hands, just looking at the boys while Gemma had found a little room at the end of the couch and was watching a movie. Louis and Harry were both deep lost in their dreams. Louis was alone with Tamara, it wasn't an incredible dream except the feeling of happiness warming his heart and the real smile drawn on his thin lips, which was honestly rare recently. They were just waking through a field by a sunny summer day, hand in hand, glancing at each other. Harry's dream was darker, nothing more than some shadows here and there, a lot of scream and voices shouting everywhere, the smell of alcohol and tobacco burning his nostrils, he wanted to pinch his nose, he wanted to put his fingers in his ears to stop the sounds making his ears bleed. Each little piece of this dream was painful and he wanted to leave it so bad but Harry couldn't move, his body seemed tied up to a bed, he felt like one of these scary patient in the horror movies taking place in the old psychiatric hospital. He was moving under the leather belts, cutting his bare arms and burning his bare ankles, the tears was streaming down his cheeks, dying on his hair. The boy wanted to cry, but nothing. The silence. Heavy silence. No sound leaving his lips, he understood what was going on when he tried his best to part his lips, another pain, only pain, everywhere. Harry was becoming a huge bruise to himself, his lips were literally stuck together with glue and he couldn't call for help. He was now mute and blind. He couldn't count the hours he stayed there, trying to scream or to move and just realising each time that he was trapped. That was only when he felt someone shake him violently that he find the strength to open his mouth, taking a huge inhalation, burning his lungs. The smell was gone, the scream and the thousand voices too, he patted what he was lying on and laid down after realising it wasn't an old psychiatric hospital's bed. 

“Let me take you to bed, honey.” 

The voice made him flinch in the dark. Maybe he found his voice back but still no sign or his eyesight. It was still gone and although Harry knew it wouldn't come back he was still hoping one day, while waking up, the view of his ceiling would be the first thing he would be able to see, the white ceiling. Well to be honest that was what he assumed the ceiling of his new room looked like.   
He didn't reply, his ankle starting to hurt again, he didn't know if it was serious or not but hell it was really painful, like a thousand of knives getting through his skin and cutting his bones. His mother's voice was once again heard in the room, breaking the silence while fingers brushed his curls away from his forehead, stroking his skin softly. 

“Can you walk?” she asked with a soft voice. 

He nodded, coughing a bit, his throat were stinging. He was so cold but all he wanted to do was thanking Louis for what he had done. If he didn't hear Harry, the young boy would probably still dying of cold and drowning in the rain, coughing his lungs out. He pressed his fingers on his sunglasses to replace them well on his nose.

“Where's Louis?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! How are you? Good, I hope!   
> So here's the 8th chapter, I know it's shorter I am sorry about that, those chapters had been written a long time ago and I am trying to rewrite them the best I could, never really easy to do!   
> But I still hope you liked it!   
> As always, don't hesitate and tell me if you see any mistake :)  
> Have a good day or night!  
> Thank you for reading!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	9. Chapter 9

# CHANGES

July 14th

When Louis entered his own house around 8 in the morning, the sun was only piercing the dark sky softly and the air was cool, he already knew it would be a sunny day. He had spent a long night at Tamara’s house, and it had only proved what he already suspected, things had changed, and it wasn’t for the best. Maybe it was his fault or maybe Tamara had changed, she was more confident and her confidence had brought her to criticise everything Louis was doing. Maybe he had a harder time dealing with it than before. He didn’t really know but the way he felt toward her was different, so different that he wondered if their relationship was still a good thing. 

**Some hours ago:**

When he entered Tamara’s house after he had left the Styles’ under the still pouring rain soaking his clothes over his shuddering body, he had _hopes_ , strong hopes that everything would fixed when he would leave. That the strong feeling of love would be back and make his heart flutter like it used to be, when he was still holding her hand on that pink cloud he had fallen from months ago already. Before he had crashed on the hard dirty ground of reality. He didn’t know if it was fixable, but he assumed it could, he hadn’t cheated on her and he was pretty certain she hadn’t cheated on him either. None of them had made any terrible mistake to break the bonds between them. Maybe it was the time that wore them out and weakened them. He worked hard on making her more confident, so hard that he managed to make all of her insecurities fly away. But as she dropped baggy clothes for tighter one, hugging a slim body perfectly, something left with them. She liked having eyes on her, she was stunning and Louis didn’t mind when people looked at her. But it took something away. He couldn’t really put his finger on it though. Maybe that was her kindness, she became judgemental, she became this person analysing everyone’s body and pointing out every single flaw. She had her own idea of perfection and people who were too far away from that image wasn’t good enough to he. She wasn’t the same, he knew it and maybe he missed the old Tamara who would be happy for every single thing, who would love people and care for them. When he stepped into the house, and felt her eyeing him from head to toe and criticizing how he was dressed, he had realised she was making him rather self-conscious lately. She was always feeling the need to give her opinion about every single outfit he was wearing or how is body looked, he was nervous about disappointing her all the time and he was pretty sure a relationship was not supposed to work like this. But he still had hope. Because she was his girlfriend and he didn’t want to do something wrong because of something he wasn’t even sure about. They talked, Louis lied, “I am fine”. She tried to make up in bed several time, in vain, Louis was not in the mood. Each time he would push her away gently, she was getting more and more offended, but it wouldn’t stop her from trying again some minutes after, sliding her hand innocently on his thigh. It looked ridiculous after a while. And for the first time, Louis felt awfully uncomfortable under her fingers, it felt wrong when he kissed her, and he couldn’t go further. It felt wrong. Something in his stomach made him want to puke at every sticky kisses she was putting over his lips. And Louis wondered when she had started to wear those smelly sticky glosses. He had always loved the way she was covering her lips with strawberry lip balm before kissing him, it was kind of enjoyable. But the lip balm was gone and now he was getting sticky greasy kisses he hated the feeling of. Everything seemed so overplayed and ridiculous. 

When Louis agreed to spend the night with her after she had used her best puppy look. She had changed into a see-through romper and Louis closed his eyes quickly before she had the chance to see him, and acted like he was deeply asleep, only to realise he had done that a lot as well lately. He couldn’t understand, he missed her earlier, but now he only wanted to run away from her and her fragrance that was burning his nose and giving him a headache. She wrapped her arm around his chest and he heard her sigh softly before putting her head over his torso and mumbling an “I love you” he barely heard. This time, he couldn’t feel like saying it back, it sounded so bad in his brain, like it was the wrong thing to say. He kept his eyes closed for the rest of the night, staying awake under his closed lids.  
When he got a text from his mother at 7 am saying she needed him to babysit his younger siblings for the day, he got up slowly, not taking the time to wake his girlfriend up before putting on his – still wet – clothes and leaving the house silently. He already knew he would get lot of texts and probably troubles for leaving without a word, but he honestly didn’t feel like talking to Tamara.

**Present:**

When Louis left the – once again cold – shower and wrapped a black towel around his waist, it was 9 am and his mother was calling him from downstairs. He stopped at the top of the stairs, holding the towel in case his younger siblings grabbed it accidentally, like half the time. Her mother was smiling, standing on the first step with her short heels and a long dress with flowers pattern all over it. 

“We are leaving honey!” she explained.  
“Okay mum, see you tonight” 

Dan and Johannah were both going in Manchester for the day, leaving Louis to babysit the children as Lottie was spending the week end at her friend’s. Louis went to get dressed quickly before joining his siblings downstairs in the living room, Ernest and Doris were playing on the ground with tiny cars and the girl was protesting about her brother’s senseless driving, Félicité was watching TV as well as scrolling on her phone’s screen. Phoebe and Daisy were probably still asleep and he would have to wake them up in an hour or so. He sat down next to his sister and she smiled at him before focusing back on her screen. The twins had looked up and screamed happily: “Louis!” as they got up from the carpet, dropping the cars on the floors and climbing on the sofa with the help of their older brother. Their huge smile were covering almost half of their face and showing their tiny white teeth. He smiled back at them as they cuddled on his sides and Louis laughed a bit as Doris asked with a pouting look, full of hope: 

“Peppa Pig?”

He heard Félicité laugh next to him and she looked at her siblings before she started playing the show and soon the song broke the sudden silent of the house. Doris and Ernest were focusing on the telly, with their big blue eyes, the little girl had a thumb in her mouth and her twin brother had trapped his blue dummy between his lips. And they kept silent as the pink characters were living more or less incredible adventures. And Louis felt quite okay there, his siblings giving love and cuddling him. 

The morning had past quickly and they had just left the dining table, Louis was taking care of the dishes as Félicité was watching the twins in the living room, although Daisy stayed to help her brother in the kitchen. 

“Louis...” 

Louis looked up, his hands still full of foam as he was cleaning the plate. Daisy was wiping the dishes and putting them back in the place they belonged. Maybe they had a dishwasher but it had broke down a week ago and they hadn’t call anyone or buy another one yet. Daisy was looking down at the tea towel, her cheeks a bit red. 

“Yes?” 

She gave him a timid look before starting:  
“Well, you know, the neighbour...”

Louis frowned at her first words, he hadn’t expected her to talk about Harry, Anne or Gemma. Strangely, he thought she would talk about school. Daisy was smart and a good student but the fact she was about to be in a different class than her sister’s was stressing her a lot and she had begged Louis’ mother for weeks to talk to the school about it. 

“Yes?” he repeated, encouraging her to continue. 

She bit a bit on the inside of her cheek. 

“What happened to him?” 

She had been thinking a lot about all of this lately, she was curious. Maybe it was wrong how badly she wanted to know what had happened to Harry. She was now looking at her brother, her blue eyes shining from the tears that were growing. Louis didn’t know, all he knew was that, it was a car accident, but he had no idea what had happened. He ignored what Harry went through and he was speechless when Daisy asked, because himself was not really able to give an exact answer. He pinched his lips and shrugged. 

“He had a car accident, that’s why he is blind now...” he simply said, his voice unsure.  
“Will he ever be able to see again?” she asked once again.  
“I have no idea, Daisy…” he sighed. 

But he wished he could have told her that yes, one day, Harry would be able to see his family, his house, the sky and everything all around him. All the things he seemed to love so much, all the little details of the world he missed so much. Because he deserved it. 

********

Harry’s chocolate curls were falling all over his face as he was leaning on the book. Now and then he would bring his pair of dark sunglasses up the bridge of his nose before putting his hand back on the embossed paper. His thin long fingers caressing the sheet softly, sliding on the letters slowly like it was something precious. His cheeks was a bit red with the warm weather and the lack of air in Louis’ room. The rain was gone for the day and the sun was high, burning in the bluest sky. Louis was sitting cross-legged at the top of the bed, his back against the headboard and his eyes settled on Harry. He slid his hand in his bunch of curls and pulled them off his face, sighing loudly. Louis stood up softly as Harry was going through the book, sighing silently. He was working for more than an hour now and he seemed quite tired. In all honestly he just wanted to stop for a while so when Louis spoke up, Harry felt relieved.

“Do you want a break?” 

Harry’s head snapped faster than ever and he nodded energetically as he laid on his back and smiled. The older boy smiled at the expression of relief over Harry’s face.

“Good, I am going to get something to drink, do you want something?”  
“Just some soda please...”

Louis nodded to himself and left the room to get two cans of soda from the kitchen. Daisy and Phoebe were on the sofa, watching some movie while eating crisps.  
Harry was lying down on one of the most comfortable bed he had ever tried, his eyes were still hidden under the darkest pair of sunglasses and when Louis entered his room, he stopped to observe silently. He wondered if the curly-haired boy was asleep, just resting or lying down with open eyes, wishing he could see what the ceiling looked like in Louis’ room. He just stayed standing there, Harry seemed so peaceful lying there, a tiny smile was stretching his pinkish plump lips and for a second, Louis considered the idea of never letting his eyes leave Harry’s face. It was almost soothing to look at him without a word. It was probably also really creepy to be honest. 

“You know I can’t see you, but I can feel you looking at me!”

Harry sat up on the bed, throwing the curls that were tickling his cheeks away from his face. Louis smiled as he looked back and went to sat on his bed, placing the cans near them, facing Harry. 

“Why are you wearing glasses all the time?” 

It crossed his lips faster than he wanted it to, almost rushing out of his mouth. The need of seeing Harry’s eyes had pushed him to ask the unanswered question he had hidden in the corner of his brain. He bit the inside of his cheek as he saw the young boy trap his bottom lip in between his teeth. He didn’t say a thing this time, he just looked at him brutalising his own so attracting lip but stayed quiet, struggling to swallow his saliva and felt his heart speeding in his chest. Harry was beautiful. So beautiful that it made Louis bit a bit harder on his cheeks, he closed his eyes, breathing out as silently as he was able to and opened them back on the boy. 

“I can’t force people to look at them. It would be selfish and disrespectful, I can’t look at them when I have a conversation, and they would probably think I am some freak or just a stupid kid who doesn’t know respect.” he simply explained. 

His voice was a whisper and once he was done, he trapped the lip back between his teeth. This thing needed to stop, Louis thought. Some red marks were surrounding Harry’s bottom lips from all the biting he was making it the victim of. His teeth were about to dig in it. Louis got closer, and his feet touched Harry knee, who flinched a bit. Louis cupped Harry’s chin in between his pointing finger and his thumb, he put pressure on his thumb just under his lip.

“Let it go.” he sighed. 

Louis was close, his minty breath went to tickle Harry’s nostrils, his teeth let the lip go softly. Harry’s face was burning under Louis’ cold breath. The younger boy stopped breathing, he could feel his heart get tighter in his chest, like flesh was trapping the muscle and trying to make it stop beating. He wished he could see Louis’ face, he wished he could see what colour his eyes were, what his skin looked like, if he had freckles or any moles, if he had a beard, if his hair was long or really short, if he had big or thin lips, a short or long nose. But he didn’t know.  
Louis didn’t step away, he was still so close, he let his eyes fall on Harry’s open mouth, and for a second, he wanted to lean on and kiss it, but the door opened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! How are you today? I hope you had a great day!  
> So here's the 9th chapter, I know there's not many moment between Harry and Louis in this one, sorry about that!  
> I am not happy with it, at all, I tried to re-write it several time and that's the final result but I hope you'll still like it!  
> Thanks for reading everybody!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	10. Chapter 10

# DARKNESS

_**July 14th** _

When Louis’ parents came home around 8pm, they insisted that Harry would stay a bit longer, _just to talk_. So Louis left Harry in the living room, he was surrounded by the Tomlinson family and he could hear their questions from the kitchen where he was doing the dishes. His brain couldn’t manage to work properly. Too many thoughts were going through his mind and it made it hard to breathe. He had to breathe in deeply and stop for a second, holding the towel so tight against the sink that his knuckles turned white. He couldn’t make any sorting among his countless thoughts and that was driving him crazy. He stood up straight when his sister entered the room, she was holding the phone he hadn’t even heard ring. She handed him the phone, biting on her nail and looking down. 

“What?” he asked, a bit worried. 

She sighed, letting go of her hand and looked up to her brother.

“It’s Tamara, she’s really mad...” Félicité said, pinching her lips together. 

Louis looked down as he took the phone and placed it against his ear, sighing silently. He didn’t want to talk to her, at all. To be honest, it was the last thing he wanted to do, hearing her complain. She would probably list all the bad things he had done those last days and how bad he was disappointing her. It would be ridiculous but he would shut up and listen, say sorry now and then and even though he wouldn’t want it to happen, he would tell her to forgive him, no matter if there wasn’t much to forgive in all honestly. 

“Louis!” she spat, her voice full of anger. “Why didn’t you answer any of my texts?!” 

Louis touched his temples and massaged them gently, he took a look at his sister, still standing in front of him. When he closed his eyes and shook his head, she understood he needed to be alone and walked away, she knew Tamara, and even though all of the family loved her so badly, she didn’t. 

“Hi babe...” he sighed.

When she started to ramble about how she wished he was more responsible, he wanted to throw the phone through the room and let it break against the wall. 

“You shouldn’t have left like that.”  
_I had to._  
“You need to be more mature.”  
_I am not the childish one in this relationship._  
“You have to think a bit about others.”  
_I do._  
“Why are you always like that?”  
_Like what?_  
“In this selfish society, you need to open your eyes and see what’s wrong around you and take care of others!”

It was too much. Too much for him to keep silent. Too much for him to only answer in his mind. Too much for him to stay there, listening to someone who was supposed to love him but who was only dissing him.

“Shut up! Please, just shut up Tamy’! In this so selfish society, you’re one of the most selfish person I’ve ever met, you don’t care about others! You act like you are always so perfect, like you’re open minded and selfless. But you are not! You see no further than the end of your nose! You seem like the only person that matters to you. And that is wrong! You can’t stop but argument on whatever I do, and you feel the need to always give your opinion on how I look, no matter if I like the way I look. The image that I give is supposed to be so perfect so _you_ can be proud, but I am not perfect Tamy’! I just want to be myself! But you won’t leave me, I struggle to go through your comment with strength like society tell us men are supposed to. But you take my strength away! I never drop enough pounds, I never get good enough grades, I never dress good enough. I am never enough for who you want me to be, and that’s maybe because I am not the one for you Tamara! I tried but you’re killing me.” 

He didn’t notice his mum and sisters were now standing at the entrance of the kitchen. His mum was looking at him, a hand other her heart and wide eyes. Félicité and Lottie were exchanging looks now and then, knowing perfectly what was going on. He was breaking down. He was falling apart. In the living room, there were only Dan and Harry left after Dan had sent the twins in their rooms. Harry was scratching his face, he wanted to go away, leave the place, he felt so uncomfortable and the silence Dan gave him didn’t make it any easier. He was trying not to listen to Louis’ broken voice screaming from the kitchen, but he couldn’t help it. It was heart breaking, he could hear Louis was about to cry, or maybe he was already crying. He wasn’t sure, but it was awful to listen to. 

“I am sorry Harry.. It never happens, I don’t know what he’s doing.” 

Harry lifted his sunglasses back on his nose. 

“He’s breaking down..” he sighed. 

Because he knew. He knew exactly what and how it was to break down. It never happens when you think it would, it always come as a surprise, either when you’re all alone with no one to take care of you and calm you or when you’re surrounded by many people who wouldn’t really understand.  
In the kitchen, Tamara had hanged up and Louis let the phone fall on counter, as he turned around, he looked up at his family and his heart stopped for a minute. His mum ran to him and wrapped her arms around her son, holding him tight in her embrace. 

“I am sorry...” he sighed into her neck.

She was brushing his hair with her fingers as she felt his tears drop on her shirt. 

“It’s going to be okay honey.” she tried to comfort him. 

It happened 10 minutes before Dan brought Harry to the kitchen and when Louis looked up from the floor to look at him, he was happy Harry couldn’t see him like that. His cheeks were red and dry from the salty tears that had irritated his skin, his blue eyes were now puffy and red, the blood vessels were awfully visible under his eyes and his hair was now in an incredible mess. 

“Harry needs to go home, I’ll help him cross the street, I’ll be back.” Dan said softly, a hand on Johannah’s shoulder. 

Harry excused himself before saying goodbye.

“No, I’ll do it, it’s okay..” 

Louis took his denim jacket and put it on before walking toward Harry and grabbing his forearm. 

“Louis...” his mum tried to stop him.  
“I am fine mum, I’ll be back..” 

She opened her mouth, about to try again. But he was already taking Harry to the hallway. When the door closed behind them, Harry spoke up breaking the silence, his head down. 

“You could have stayed with your mum, you need her, I would have understood, it was okay.” 

Louis smiled a bit at how fast Harry talked this time, he was the kind of person with an incredible soothing voice, calm and slow and Louis liked that about him. When Harry talked, told a story or explained something, Louis would be all ears, listening to the soft melody brushing his eardrums. Most of people thought there didn’t have enough time to waste it on talking, nor on taking time to breathe.

“I wanted to.” he said, wrapping his arm tighter around Harry’s arm. 

The younger boy was a bit taller than him and he was limping a bit from the fall the other night, apparently there wasn’t anything wrong with his ankle, he just had to put a cream on it two times a day for about 2 weeks and it should be fine, of course he had to take care of himself and shouldn’t jump around or run. When Louis knocked to the door, he didn’t want to leave Harry in, but he had to, he looked at him for a long moment before Anne opened the door and took her son inside with a wide smile on her lips. 

“Thank you Louis, how was it?” 

Harry gave her a smile and told her it was great, they said each other goodbye, but the older boy didn’t want to leave, he could just look at Harry for the rest of the night, he would like to listen to him for the rest of the night until he would fall asleep. But the door closed and he turned away, going back to his own house.

 

When Louis woke up the next day, it was 2pm and he found it weird that no one had woken him up yet. Usually if Louis was still asleep around 11, Dan or Johannah would come to his room to wake him up. Like most parents, they didn’t think it was a good idea to let him stay in bed all day, he could be must more productive outside his room. But maybe today they thought he needed rest. Maybe they understood this time, that he wasn’t as perfect as people wanted him to be. He wished he was though. He wished he could be the son his mum wanted him to be. He wished he was perfect. But he was tired of trying and trying to change himself, to try and erase every flaw just because people thought he would be better without them. He was exhausted, physically and mentally. He wanted to stay under the covers for the rest of the day. He wasn’t hungry, but even if he was, he would probably not eat much today, his stomach was painful. The anxiety was like thousand of knives trying to turn his stomach into a colander. He grabbed his phone on the floor with a sigh and turned it on. His heart was tight, he was scared to see Tamara would have called or texted him, he didn’t want to talk to her at all. He may have been rude yesterday, but he felt like something left his chest, a heavy weight he had finally got rid of by telling her what he truly felt. But Tamara hadn’t texted, she hadn’t called either, but Johannah did. Only one text. 

**Baby, I hope you remember we had to go to London today, we’ll spend the night there, we decided to let you sleep, you need rest, we love you! - Mummy.**

He was glad they choose not to take him with them, he wouldn’t have been able to say or do anything.  
Louis’ chest felt so small for his organs, it felt like everything was pushing on his bones and skin and he could barely breathe. It happened a lot recently, this sensation at the bottom of his stomach, the need to puke his pain, his anxiety, his fear. He knew it wouldn’t fix anything and he never claimed it was a solution to his problems. But he felt so full even though he hadn’t ate anything yet. It seemed like he just ate two full pot of ice cream. Louis rubbed his face and breathed in slowly but deeply, the air penetrating his lungs and lifting his chest a bit. 

**Thank you mum, I hope you all have fun in London, love you all!**

He let the phone fall on the floor among his clothes he had taken off last night, before burying himself into his covers. Even if his curtains and shutters were closed, he could see the tiny sunbeams projected on the floor and the wall, he knew it would probably be a warm and sunny day but he was freezing. He tightened the blanket around his half naked body, holding it tight. When Louis turned around, he sighed, wiping the single tear that managed to drop on his cheek. The boy turned around in his bed for about an hour before he was tired of coughing from his dry throat. He stood up, wrapping the blanket around him before going downstairs. It was so silent, almost creepy, without the laughers and screams of children, without the sound of some reality show on TV. Louis hated silent, it was just a bad idea, finding himself in a silent, empty house, all alone, just him and his thoughts. When he was alone, he couldn’t do anything else but facing his brain and pain, he didn’t want to so he turned on the TV on some random channel that was broadcasting some episode of House. After he made himself a full cup of hot chocolate, he sat down on the sofa trying to warm his hands on the cup and watching TV. He wondered how with all the efforts he put on hiding his pain, there would still be someone who would see that Gregory wasn’t okay. Always someone to worry and care for him even though, let’s be honest, he wasn’t the most lovable person. Louis’ family only started worrying after his break down, they only realised when he exploded. But Gregory House didn’t have to explode for his friends to see the pain through him, even though he lied. There was always someone to see the truth through his lies. Louis wished he had a someone. He knew his family cared for him, it wasn’t the problem, they cared a lot, maybe they cared too much to see the truth? Maybe they cared and trust him so much they never dared put in doubts his words.  
Louis spent all the afternoon in the sofa, sometimes falling asleep for 30 minutes but two knocks on the door made him leave the comfort of the living room. He only wished it wouldn’t be Tamara. He didn’t want to talk to her or to see her or anything to do with her. He sighed, his hand around the handle, ready to close the door if it was someone he wasn’t ready to see. But when he opened the door, he was surprised when Anne smiled at him with that shinning wide smile that made her look so happy. She looked so much happier now than when he first met her, and it wasn’t even a long time ago. 

“Hi Louis.” she started.  
“Hi...” 

She frowned a bit, he looked pale and tired his skin looked almost greyish in the darkness of the house with the sun brushing his face, the dark circles under his eyes were bigger and darker than usual and his hair was falling messily on his face. 

“Hmm… We were wondering if you would want to have dinner with us, Gemma made lasagne and they’re always really good.”

Louis looked down, his eyelids seemed to weigh at least 20 pounds each, his brain was burning and his stomach was still threatening him to reject anything he had drank or eaten today. 

“I am sorry Anne, I feel pretty sick today...” he half lied. 

She raised an eyebrow but didn’t protest, he looked pretty sick, yes and maybe it wasn’t a good idea to leave him all alone if he was sick. But he was also big enough to know how to take care of himself and what he wanted to do. 

“Maybe another day then?” 

It wasn’t really a question, it sounded more like an affirmation than a question. And it didn’t even surprise him. 

“Sure!”  
“Take care of you Louis...” 

He nodded softly and after they shared some usual goodbye, he closed the door. It wasn’t an interesting day, really, but he couldn’t feel like doing anything else but lay down. He had only ate a piece of cake his mother had made some days ago, but he didn’t even manage to eat the full piece. He didn’t even have the strength to take a shower, no matter if it was cold or hot, Louis just wanted to lay down and think about nothing. He wanted to get rid of all those thoughts that were hurting his brain and giving him a migraine. After laying down for too long, Louis’ body was hurting and seemed heavier like he had just walked a marathon. He got up and walked upstairs silently and slowly, his head was hurting from the total darkness the house was plunged in. He put on some pair of black jeans, if a year ago they were fitting him perfectly and hugging the curves of his legs, now they seemed to be two times larger. He slid his black belt through the belt loops and held the jeans tightly against his bony hips. He covered his chest with a large grey T-shirt and a zipper hoodie. He avoided the mirrors in the room and put on a snapback. His clothes seemed to float on his body. Once his half-read book was in his backpack with a bottle of water and some cookies he knew he would probably not eat because let’s be honest, his stomach was still the victim of anxiety. He went outside, the sun had disappeared a bit under grey clouds and it wasn’t as warm as he thought it would be. He walked around in the city for a while and he was glad the weather wasn’t as chaotic as it had been a couple of days ago. He didn’t do much. He looked at the bright sky, hurting his eyes a bit, and just walked around until he found a bench in the park and decided to stop there for a while, his stomach was hurting. From anxiety but also from hunger, it was begging him to feed it. But Louis just took out the book from his backpack and started reading where he stopped, it was Gone With The Wind. A classic. But he liked it. He loved it even. Usually he found a bit of himself in each book he read but this time was a bit more complicated. He didn’t know if it was the fact it was quite old and he couldn’t project himself in American during the civil war of if it was just the characters’ personalities he was too far from, but in a way it felt right. This book wasn’t full of love, or at least, not directly and it felt good.  
Louis stayed quite a long time on this bench, turning every yellowish page of the old copy of the book. But quick enough, the sun started to go down and the light wasn’t enough anymore so he packed up and decided to come home. He didn’t make diner, he just took a quick cold shower and called his mother a bit to know how it went in London, then he laid in bed. He kept on reading, trying to keep his mind away a bit longer until he would have to turn the lights off and try to sleep, turning around for hours, retaining his tears and getting up again. When his phone rang it was around 2 am, it was an unknown number and Louis hesitated a bit before answering carefully. 

“Hello?” he started slowly.  
“Louis?” Harry’s voice was heard. 

Why would Harry call so late? Or why would Harry call at all? Did something bad happened? Was he lost again? Was he feeling down? Louis threw the book on the side and sat up violently. 

“Harry? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Louis’ voice was worried and it made Harry smile a bit. He laid down in his bed, wrapping the cover around him, the night was cold even though the day had been pretty sunny. 

“Yes, I am fine, my sister had installed the vocal recognition and Voice Over on my phone so I wanted to try it and see how you were feeling...” 

Louis didn’t speak up, Harry seemed to have something to add so he didn’t want to speak and stop him from saying whatever he was feeling the need to say. And it wasn’t long after that his slow and deep voice was heard again. 

“And I can’t sleep...”

Louis smiled a bit, his voice seemed deeper and he didn’t know if it was the phone or the time that was the cause of it but he didn’t mind at all. 

“I am fine Harry..” he lied.

Obviously he lied. But the younger boy didn’t sound sad or upset or anything bad and he didn’t want to change it. Harry needed some happy time. It was the last thing Louis wanted, making Harry sad, upset, worried or anything like that. 

“What were you doing before I called? Were you asleep, I am so sorry if you were, I didn’t think about it… oh gosh...”  
“I wasn’t, I was reading a bit, I couldn’t manage to sleep either.” 

Harry kept silent for a second, some sounds were heard, some beginning of sentence without any words. He sounded hesitant when his voice spoke up again.

“Would… would you mind reading a bit for me?”

Louis was surprised, no one had ever asked him to read for them, usually Ernest and Doris always asked their mother or Dan, sometimes Lottie was doing it when Johannah and Dan were out on a date, but Louis never had the chance to do it. He wouldn’t have minded if it had to happen though. He loved reading, a lot. He could become someone else and live many adventures, without really leaving his house or city. 

“No, not at all.” 

He heard Harry sigh of relief and it made him smile, it seemed like he had been holding his breath since he had asked. But Louis grabbed the book, opened it to the page he had stopped his reading, and started again, but this time, out loud. The words weren’t just sliding into his mind but also his tongue and lips now. 

_“She had started to say: “I’d cut up my heart for you to wear if you wanted it,” but she finished, “I’d do anything for you!”_  
_“Would you?” he questioned and some of somberness lifted from his face. “Then, there’s something you can do for me, Scarlett, something that will make my mind easier when I’m away.”_  
_“What is it?” she asked joyfully, ready to promise prodigies._  
_“Scarlett, will you look after Melanie for me?”_  
_“Look after Melly?”_  
_Her heart sank with bitter disappointment. So this was something beautiful, something spectacular! And then anger flared. This moment was her moment with Ashley, hers alone. And yet, though Melanie was absent, her pale shadow lay between them. How could he bring up her name in their moment of farewell? How could he ask such a thing of her?”_

Louis stopped for a moment, waiting for Harry to say if he would want to hear more or if he was good for tonight. It wasn’t a fairy tale and maybe the young boy didn’t appreciate the novel, so he waited a bit for the curly-haired boy to speak up through the phone. 

“Why did you stop? You don’t want to? Are you tired? It’s fine I understand..” 

Louis smiled a bit, biting slightly the inside of his cheek before he started again. And Harry had laid down comfortably on his own bed, his phone pressed against his cheek, with Louis’ soothing voice tickling his eardrum and a little smile over his lips. It felt good. Comforting even. He was all alone in the darkness of the room and the darkness of his mind but he had Louis. He wasn’t that far away physically, just some feet away and he seemed even closer through the phone. He loved the way Louis was reading, using slightly different voices for the characters, not too different so it wouldn’t sound spoofed, but different enough for Harry to notice. His voice was also really calm, in between the whisper and the loud. He talked slowly and it made it even better. 

_“She thought wildly: Let the whole Confederacy crumble in the dust. Let the world end, but you must not die! I couldn’t live if you were dead!_  
_“I hope you will not repeat what I have said Scarlett. I do not want to alarm the others. And my dear, I would not have alarmed you saying these things, were it not that I had to explain why I ask you to look after Melanie. She’s so frail and weak and you’re so strong, Scarlett. It will be a comfort to me to know that you are together if anything happens to me. You will promise, won’t you?”_  
_“Oh, yes!” she cried, for at that moment, seeing death at his elbow, she would have promised anything. “Ashley, Ashley! I can’t let you go away! I simply can’t be brave about it!””_

Strangely, Harry stopped breathing. Louis was such a good reader that among the darkness, Harry managed to imagine the scene, maybe everything was dark, there weren’t any precise shape or any colour, it was pretty much a blackboard with some stains of chalk stick moving, but even though they weren’t any real images like it used to when he was reading, it felt familiar. And his heart was warm and tight in his chest. His eyelids were even getting heavier from Louis’ words rolling down his lips to Harry’s ear. 

_“ “Scarlett! Scarlett! You are so fine and strong and good. So beautiful, not just your sweet face, my dear, but all of you, your body and your mind and your soul.”_  
_“Oh, Ashley,” she whispered happily, thrilling at his words and his touch on her face. “Nobody else but you ever--”_  
_“I like to think that perhaps I know you better than most people and that I can see beautiful things buried deep in you that others are too careless and too hurried to notice.”_  
_He stopped speaking and his hands dropped from her face, but his eyes still clung to her eyes. She waited a moment, breathless for him to continue, a-tiptoe to hear him say the magic three words. But they did not come. She searched his face frantically, her lips quivering, for she saw he had finished speaking.”_

Harry’s fingers was loosening around his phone as he was slowly sliding into sleep, the story were filling his mind of beautiful words and tragic ending but he only kept in mind the beautiful words. Because he wished someday someone would see the beautiful things buried deep in him, under his empty eyes. He wished someone would know who he was, who he would be and would love him for that. He wished that someone would love those beautiful things so much that they would give him the three words Ashley didn’t give Scarlett, and actually mean it.  
And across the street, Louis felt exactly the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!! I hope every single one of you feel good today, I hope you're all taking care of yourself!  
> So another friday, another chapter!  
> What do you all think about this new chapter?  
> I tried to correct the mistakes I noticed, but as always, do not hesitate on pointing out the ones you can see!  
> This chapter is a bit longer, is general, they will have between 2000 and 4000 words, most of the time.  
> So I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	11. Chapter 11

# DOUBTS

_**July 20th** _

Calling Louis late at night had almost become a habit for Harry. When he was tired of laying in his bed for too long, turning around over and over again, he would just call Louis for a while. Not too long, less than 40 minutes but it was enough to calm Harry. Short after his voice would start getting slower and slower and deeper as he was falling asleep. He had asked his neighbour if he minded, many times, he was scared Louis would get sick of it and get angry at him, he didn’t want that. But Louis didn’t mind, at all, really. It actually helped him quite a lot as well. Harry’s voice was a great distraction, taking all the place in his mind and pushing away all the dark thoughts he could have hidden in his brain. He even found himself wanting Harry to call earlier so they could talk for a little longer. So when Louis looked at his phone that night around 2 am, he felt his heart getting tighter in his chest, no call. He hadn’t seen Harry today and he wished they could have called. He had spent the day in Manchester with Liam and Zayn and now all he wanted was to call Harry, hear his voice and maybe read a bit to him. It felt weird. He didn’t know where all of those things he felt were coming from. Sometimes he would have to stop himself from staring at Harry’s smile because it seemed like the most beautiful thing he had ever been the witness of. Or he would have to force himself to let Harry’s arm go when he was taking him back to his house. In all honesty, Louis wanted more and more time with him, it felt wrong in a way. He missed him and it didn’t feel like when he missed Zayn or Liam, it felt way more powerful, even a bit painful. Like something really heavy had been put over his chest and he could barely think of anything else.  
So when the hours went on and on, Louis stayed awake, with the secret hope deep in him that he would see Harry’s number on his phone screen. But it didn’t happen. It was 6 am when Louis turned around on the air mattress that was on the floor, he sight and looked up to his own bed where he could see Zayn’s back. He could see the shadows from his muscles. He could also hear Liam snoring, wondering how Zayn could sleep with a such loud noises next to him, and he sighed loudly as he stood up silently. He put on a pair of sweatpants, way too big for him, falling a bit on his hips. He opened the door and left the room, trying to be as silent as possible as he went downstairs. The light of the telly was projecting his shadow against the wall and Félicité looked up when she heard the footsteps. She looked at her older brother, frowning as he sat down next to her. 

“Why are you awake already?”she asked, surprised. 

He shrugged, she wouldn’t be the one he would confess to. Not that she didn’t know how to listen, it was probably the opposite actually. Félicité was an amazing sister and an even better confidant. She knew how to listen and she used to give pretty good advice to anyone who needed it, even at such a young age. She liked that, feeling helpful, like some people could count on her to comfort them. So Louis had every reason to confess to her, but she was his sister. His little sister. He was the one who was supposed to listen to her, not the contrary. 

“I couldn’t sleep, and Liam is snoring too loud.” he said as he massaged his temples softly. 

She pinched her lips together and looked down to her manicured hands for a minute, like her nails would give her the tips about how to bring up the subject. She seemed calm from what Louis saw but her brain was actually running fast to find how and where to start. So it was silent for a bit, only the unknown movie on the telly could be heard, until she spoke up.

“Did you break up with Tamara?” she asked with a low voice. 

Well, okay, maybe it wasn’t the best way to start the conversation but she didn’t have time to think much more about it. Indeed, she knew their mother and step dad would soon be awake and downstairs, so she had to take a chance when they were still alone.  
Louis looked up quickly. Why? Why would she ask? Well actually, maybe that was because they didn’t see her around in a while and maybe also because of the fight they heard the week before. Yes, probably. He shook his head silently, without a word and he could hear her sigh softly. 

“Louis...” 

She sounded almost annoyed or mad, he couldn’t really say but her head was up and she was staring at him. 

“Louis… you can’t just keep going and date her like everything was fine, like everything she said was okay. Because you do know it is not. You know it, right? You realise a girlfriend is not supposed to treat you and diss you like she does… She wants to control everything you do or say, she is not your mother. She doesn’t support you when you want to do new things, she only try to discourage you. She just...” 

The young girl was cut off by her older brother. 

“She loves me...” 

His voice sounded hesitant, doubtful even and he hated himself for that. Tamara and him didn’t really fix anything since the fight. They barely talked, she was most of the time hanging out with her friends and he couldn’t mind that, he didn’t want to see her anyway. He came to the conclusion that maybe he wasn’t as in love with her than he fought he was. But he didn’t want to hurt her more than he had already done. He knew what he had told her was true, he couldn’t take the words back because it was the truth. But maybe he wished it didn’t happen that way. He wanted to believe that it was a lie, that nothing of all he had said had ever happened. The pain in his chest only proved his point though. Each time he looked at the mirror, he remembered what she used to say. Each time he took a bite of his meal, he could almost feel her pinch his stomach.  
Félicité looked down. 

“Maybe she does, I don’t claim she doesn’t have feelings for you, but does she ever show it the right way? When was the last time she made you actually happy?”

It was a tricky question and he knew it because he couldn’t really give any answer to that. He didn’t even know himself. He hadn’t laugh with her, truly, genuinely laugh, since what felt like ages ago. But what if he was only his fault, he would feel responsible and guilty for the rest of his life. He simply shrugged. 

“See? Is that supposed to go like that? Is she supposed to make you feel self-conscious? I don’t say I know everything because it’s not true, you know more than I do, but what I do know is that love is not supposed to be like that.” 

She was right, 100% right and he knew it, deep down. But if she was right then it meant he needed to listen to her, to believe her and to believe that Tamara wasn’t the right person for him. Well, maybe he was already 60% sure he couldn’t spend his life with her, but he still had hope that he wouldn’t have to hurt her. Secretly, he wished she would be the one to break up, so he wouldn’t have to deal with any more guilt, because he was already full of guilt. 

“Fizzy...” he sighed. 

There wasn’t much to say, or maybe there were but he didn’t know what to say, what did he even want to tell her? He didn’t need to say a word. She could see, she had eyes and knew where to look, where to see and she was a good observer. His eyes were talking for him, no words needed, no sound, the silence could say way more than he ever could.

“I know, Louis, I know but I just want you to be happy and obviously, you’re not. You seem so sad most of the time… And if Tamara is one of the thing that makes you sad or upset, then maybe it needs to end?”

She shrugged, she was openly advising him to break up, but did he really want to? Did he really want to find himself all alone all the time? Did he really want to end a 2 years old relationship? Did he really want to hurt her? He looked down at his hands on his legs, trying to find the answer to his questions. But his palms were empty. 

****

When Harry woke up, it was 9am and his mum was knocking on the door. He turned around in his bed, pulling on the blanket to cover his face. It was cold and his arms were covered with goosebumps, he stroked them a bit, trying to warm up a little. 

“Harry, are you awake?”

He sighed and pressed his face in his pillow, he was exhausted. He hadn’t managed to fall asleep until late, around 5 and now he understood why he used to sleep so early. 

“Yes...” he sighed softly into the pillow.  
“Good, we’re leaving in 40 minutes honey.”

They wanted to go on a walk and they had managed to convince him last night. Harry used to work out a lot before everything went wrong. He had a membership at a gym where he was going at least 4 days a week. It used to be something he loved, sweating a bit and taking care of his body, sculpting his muscles and seeing the results. But what he loved more than anything was to run outside, he was getting easily bored at the gym but running, he couldn’t get enough of it. He used to love feeling the fresh air in his nose and throat as he was running in the wood, jumping to avoid the steams that were crossing the forest randomly. He loved to listen to twigs breaking under his feet and the wind whistling as it was running through the trees. He felt free. It was perfect. He loved the warm caress of the sun on his face and sometimes on his bare chest if the weather was too hot. He loved to see the world all around him, he had rarely met anyone when running. So he enjoyed nature. Sometimes when he wanted to stop a bit, he would sit on the ground, near a steam and look at the clear water running down with its precious sound.  
He missed that. But he knew there weren’t any chance he would be able to run again, running in the dark, without knowing where he was going, what was on his way, it wouldn’t happen. And the thought of it hurt his heart a bit in his chest.  
He pushed the blanket away from his body, sitting on the edge of the bed he scratched the back of his neck softly. He was happy his left ankle felt already better, he felt around until his fingers wrapped around the bottle of ointment the doctor had told him to put on his injury. He rolled up the sweatpants on his calf and after dropping a bit of the ointment on his fingertips, he massaged his ankle with it slowly. And once his skin was dry he stood up and walked to his bathroom slowly, his hands stretched in front of him. His mother had talked to him about getting him a white stick to make his displacement easier but he wasn’t sure yet, all he wanted was to seem normal to others. And although everyone told him he was normal, he just didn’t want people to notice his disability. Maybe it was stupid but a white stick was a step forward the acceptance. It was crazy how much he had evolved since Louis had arrived into his life. Life was a bit easier everyday, his mum had purchased a Braille Alphabet book for him so he could work on it and Louis could give back the book to the school he had borrowed it from. He could wear what he wanted, but sometimes he still asked Gemma if he looked the way he wanted, just to be sure. Anne was the one who were putting his clothes into the wardrobe and it was still something he wanted to do by himself, but he couldn’t change that, for now at least.  
He splashed cold water into his face before wiping it softly, when he stood up straight, he wondered what he looked like right now. He knew there were a mirror just above the sink, or at least he assumed because it was always the case. Maybe his green eyes were a bit swollen and red from the lack of sleep, maybe his cheeks were red, his cheeks used to be red when he was waking up, maybe some strands of hair were sticking to his face. He wondered if his hair was much longer since the last time he had to cut them. He slid his fingers under his shirt, feeling his stomach softly, he could still feel his abs and he smiled as he pat them softly. He took off his shirt as he walked back to his room, once he had opened his wardrobe, he took out a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, he put them on quickly. And once he had folded his pyjamas, he slid them under his pillow and tried to do his bed. It was a habit now, even if sometimes he felt like he wouldn’t be able to, he was forcing himself and even though he knew it was probably not perfect but he also knew it was much better than before. He slid his feet into a pair of sneakers before unlocking the door and walking downstairs, holding on the banister. 

****

Louis, Zayn and Liam were chatting in the living room, the house was silent other than their conversation. Lottie and Félicité had taken the twins to the swimming pool, Dan was at work and Johannah was taking care of the younger twins upstairs. She wasn’t really happy when she woke up and found the two boys taking breakfast downstairs, strangely she didn’t say anything nor tried to kick them out politely. Maybe it was Louis’ break down that made her smile to them and ask questions, or maybe she genuinely wanted to know more about them. Louis had some tattoos, not much, but Liam and Zayn were covered with ink and even though she was open minded, she had fears. Louis was a good son, he never did any big mistake and she was scared they would have a bad influence on him. So once the girls left, she decided to leave the three boys alone, maybe they would convince Louis to talk, after all they were friends for a while now. Liam was drinking his soda while Zayn was talking about the girl he had just met. His break up with his ex girlfriend had caused quite a lot of drama and most of girls didn’t want to have anything to do with him. So for a long time, he just stopped trying, girls in college would send him threatening looks, and although at first he had hard time accepting it, now he was much more comfortable about it. Yes, the break up didn’t happen the way it should have, it was hard, for both of them, he just kept it to himself as guilt had been destroying him when he was seeing Perrie cry or change direction when she saw him. He had never wanted to hurt her. Although almost a year had past now, Perrie had a new boyfriend and Zayn had just met Gigi. From what he said, she was really beautiful and kind and funny. Louis and Liam were happy to hear about it, to know than they had both moved on and started to enjoy life again.

“What about you? How’s Tamy?” Liam asked to Louis. 

Louis sighed while scratching the back of his neck. He knew they would bring the subject. 

“I don’t know...” he said softly. 

Zayn and Liam exchanged a look discreetly. Usually Louis would just smile and ramble about her, saying all the good things she had done recently, how pretty she was.

“What… what do you mean?” Zayn asked, frowning.  
“I don’t know, it’s messed up. I don’t know what to do. I am so lost and I feel like I am turning crazy. I started doubting everything and my feelings for her, and all those doubts made me realise how unhappy and self conscious she makes me feel now. I can’t really explain why or how all of this happened, last month I didn’t even see what I see now…”

It was silent for a moment, Louis hadn’t spoken too loud, he was scared his mother would overhear what he had said. He didn’t want to talk to her about that. It was already so complicated. He needed advice, he only got one, his sister’s and it was to break up. But he didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. Zayn opened his mouth but shut it almost immediately so Liam spoke up. 

“Then, when did you start to.. see those things and feel like that?” he asked hesitantly. 

Liam didn’t really know Tamara so he couldn’t really say anything about her, but Sophia, Liam’s girlfriend, knew her pretty well. They had been in the same school for a long time, they even used to be friend years ago. Apparently it didn’t end well but Sophia always refused to say much. He only knew something bad happened and Sophia had never forgave her for that.

“I met someone… I guess, I am not sure really...” 

Louis had thought about it. He hated himself for that. How the only thing that actually happened to him when he started doubting about Tamara. It was when Harry came into his life. He didn’t want to involve the young boy in his problems, and he would never do it. Harry only started to take his life back. And Louis wasn’t even sure, he hoped it wasn’t that, that it wasn’t the fact he had met him and spent so many time with him that would make him doubt so much about his actual relationship.

“You cheated on Tamara?” Zayn asked, shocked.  
“What?! No! Of course not, I would never do that!” 

Even though Tamara wasn’t the person he had fallen for, years ago, he would never do that to her, or to anyone. 

“So you like someone else?” Liam asked.  
“No… It’s not like that… I just...” 

He brushed his hair away. He couldn’t say much. There weren’t anything to say anyway. Liam was about to start again but the door bell rang. Louis frowned before standing up and walking to the front door, when he opened it, Harry and Anne were standing in front of him. Anne had her bright smile on her lips, as usual, and Harry had his usual pair of sunglasses on his nose. Louis looked down to his phone, 4pm. Oh. They exchanged the usual “hi”/”how are you” and other things until Harry came inside. Louis totally forgot he was supposed to see Harry at 4. He led the boy to the living room, where Louis’ friends were sitting on the floor, suddenly he felt really uncomfortable. Liam and Zayn didn’t know about Harry, how Louis was teaching him. They both looked up and stood up when they realised Louis wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! How are you doing today? How was your week? Good I hope!  
> I am back with the 11th chapter, so there's no moment between Harry and Louis, sorry about that!  
> I prefered focusing a bit more on Louis' complicated relationship.  
> I promise you'll get some in the next chapter though :)  
> I hope you liked it anyway!  
> Thanks for reading :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	12. Chapter 12

# AS BEAUTIFUL AS VENICE

_**July 22th** _

The sky was getting darker but brighter at the same time. The cold shade of blue from earlier had disappeared and it was now a mix of pale purple, orange and a tint of pink, reminding Louis of those painting Edward William Cooke had done of Venice. It was beautiful, the way all the shades and colours were mixing together seemed done with brushes on a canvas. Louis kept his eyes on the sky as he was walking back to his house. He had spent the afternoon outside, walking around randomly and listening to music. He was feeling the need to breathe and he felt oppressed inside his house and needed to go outside. It was around 8 when he opened the front door silently, entering the hallway and hearing high pitched laughters and the telly in the background. 

“Honey, is that you?” his mother said as he saw her walking in the hallway.   
“Yeah..” 

He walked up to her with a tiny smile and as his vision opened on the living-room, he noticed Harry was sitting on the couch with his head down. He could see a little smile on his lips as Phoebe and Daisy was trying to braid his hair, a bit too short. Louis frowned a bit. 

“Harry came here to talk to you, you weren’t there yet so I offered him to stay and wait for you.” she whispered quietly. 

He nodded before coming up to him. Phoebe and Daisy were frowning, focusing deeply on Harry’s curls and by the way they were pulling on his hair, Louis wondered how he kept silent with the pain his scalp was most probably going through.

“Do you want to go upstairs?” he asked. 

Harry lifted his head slightly before smiling a bit, he tried to get up but Louis’ sisters were still holding on his hair. 

“Girls!” Louis exclaimed. 

They sighed loudly before letting it go, and as he helped the young boy on his feet, he heard the twins complain, it made him smile and he shook his head. Harry held on his arm as they went upstairs slowly, one step at a time, Harry’s other hand brushing the wall slowly. Once they came in the room, Louis closed the door silently, he watched as Harry felt around to find his bed. He went to wrap his arm around the taller boy’s waist to help him. Harry stopped breathing for a second, curiously, Louis’ touch made his heart beat faster in his chest. He tightened his chest muscles thoughtlessly when he felt Louis’ fingers on his side and he felt his cheeks burn suddenly after realising his action. Harry’s knees met Louis’ bed and he sat down slowly, feeling Louis walking away from him. 

“So, how are you today?” Louis asked as he took off his snapback and brushed his hair with his fingers.   
“Good, what about you?” Harry smiled a bit, nodding.

Louis frowned. It wasn’t Harry’s smile, or actually not the real one. Not the one Louis saw at Harry’s house. It wasn’t the one he pictured so many times in his mind lately, drawn in his brain. It wasn’t real, wasn’t true and Louis felt bad, a bit offended at the idea that Harry was lying to him. He shouldn’t though. Maybe Harry had lied a lot, and then he realised. How? About what? About what Harry could have lied when Louis knew barely anything about him? Maybe it was because he felt like it would make him uncomfortable, or nervous, or maybe he assumed Harry didn’t want to talk about himself to Louis. But suddenly, he wanted to know. He wanted to know more about the curly haired boy with the cute smile. He let his backpack fall on the floor, near his desk, he threw his jacket on the office chair and kicked his shoes in a corner before sitting near Harry. Both cross-legged. 

“Harry?” Louis started. 

His voice was soft. He wasn’t sure how to do that. How to start or what to ask. Harry lifted his head a bit. 

“Yeah?”  
“How old are you?” he asked randomly. 

It could be a good start, maybe not really useful but they needed a start anyway. Harry wondered why Louis would ask that, they never really had any conversation. They mostly worked, they calls turned around what happened in their days or Louis would read to him. Nothing much, nothing personal. 

“16, why wou...” 

But he was quickly cut off. 

“Still a kid, huh?” 

The older boy didn’t know why he had said that, it wasn’t even that young or much younger than him. He scratched the back of his neck. Harry looked so innocent, so pure. He wished he could stay like that forever. His little curls were falling down, crossing his forehead here and there, his glasses were still perched on his nose and were holding back some strand of hair behind his ears, stopping them from tickling his cheeks. 

“I am not a kid. Or if I am one, you must be really old!” 

Louis raised an eyebrow and pushed Harry, punching his shoulder slightly. 

“Hey! I am not old! I am only 18!” 

Harry shrugged, his voice sounded younger. Harry wanted to touch Louis, slide his hands on his face, trying to know what he looked like. He wondered how his face would feel under his fingers, how soft his skin would feel, how the short beard – that he imagined Louis wearing – would tickle his fingertips as he would brush it. He also wondered how Louis’ hair would feel against his palms, was it straight, wavy, curly? Was it short or long? He clenched his fists, retaining the need to put his hands over the older boy’s face. 

“Tell me a secret...” he tried with a soft voice. 

Harry raised an eyebrow. Louis laid down near the boy, carefully avoiding his knee. His feet set on the bed head and his arms bent under his head, using them as a pillow to still be able to see Harry’s face. 

“I.. I don’t really have secrets...” he explained. 

That was quite true, Harry told almost everything to his sister or mother, he didn’t feel the need to lie to them or to hide them anything. And even if he would want to, honestly, they would probably just find out by looking at him. Anne always said he was a terrible liar, between his shifty eyes, the way he was scratching the back of his neck nervously or how he was pinching his lips. Too many things were letting him down. Louis frowned, not convinced. 

“Everyone has secrets, come on, just one, a little one.” 

He smiled as he shook Harry’s knee, trying to convince him to talk about him. Harry opened his mouth to breathe in deeply, going through his memories and mind to find something to say. And when he finally spoke up, he was happy he couldn’t see Louis’ face, neither his expression, nor his reaction. 

“I kissed a boy...” 

Louis raised an eyebrow. Okay, it was not really what he was expecting, he imagined something more.. funny or a secret ridiculous fear he was hiding from everyone because he was ashamed of it, like maybe he was scared of butterfly or something like that. Louis nodded to himself. 

“And you liked it.” 

It wasn’t a question and when he saw Harry’s cheeks take a light pink colour, he pinched his lips not to laugh. 

“Like the song I mean, Katy Perry…” he said, trying to put Harry at ease.   
“Isn’t it, “a girl” though?” 

Harry felt better when Louis joked around and he was thanking him for not asking extra question about when, how or why it happened because Harry was already really embarrassed. He hadn’t say that to anyone because he didn’t feel the need to. It was before Carrie and he guessed he had wanted to forget about it so much that he convinced himself it hadn’t happened. 

“Yeah but you’re a boy so the word changes!” 

Harry smiled softly and the sight of it made Louis smile as well. It was as beautiful as Edward William Cooke’s painting of Venice, his pinkish lips stretching to form this shy smile and Louis noticed the dimples on his cheeks, he raised an eyebrow. It made Harry even more adorable. He wondered why he hadn’t noticed them earlier. But now he couldn’t stop but starring at them.

“Your turn!”

Louis looked at the ceiling, thinking a bit. Finding a secret was not a problem to him, he had quite a lot of them but the question was, which one would he feel comfortable enough talking about? He would not talk about all those lies regarding his mental health because he knew Harry shouldn’t get involved in that. Although he didn’t really have any “normal” secret, most of them were sad. 

“I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday.” 

He didn’t know why it had crossed his lips, he wished he could take it back. But Harry spoke up. Why would he ever want to talk about his relationships to Harry?

“Why would you? Don’t you love her? Mummy told me you looked cute together the other day…” 

Harry let his head down a bit, he actually just wanted to hide himself in between his shoulders. You know what felt the worst? Not being able to see anyone but being seen by everyone. It felt like he was standing behind a two-way mirror and thousand of people were standing on the other side, looking at him intensely from head to toe and he wouldn’t know about it. Louis sighed and rubbed his face. 

“I don’t know… It was so different, when I was with her, it felt wrong...” he explained. 

He hadn’t tell anyone, maybe because he hadn’t even realised himself. It didn’t happen as bad as he thought it would. He told her he would still be there for her if she ever needed it. Because he had loved her, and she had made him happy at some point in the past. He couldn’t just throw her out of his life like she wasn’t important because she had been one of the most important person in his life and he would never be able to forget her and their relationship. She didn’t cry. She just nodded sadly, she had prepared herself, she had assumed it would happen and maybe it happened sooner than expected but she wouldn’t make a scene.

“And no one know about it?” Harry asked again.   
“No, my friends would probably say it was a bad idea and my mother would be so disappointed, she liked Tamara a lot...” 

Harry felt special for a reason. He was the one Louis told a secret, a secret that seemed to mean a lot to him. He almost wanted to smile but he retained it, it wasn’t really the best moment to do so. 

“You should tell your mum, she seemed to be a great mummy and she will understand, mummies always understand.” 

Harry sounded almost childish, but the good side of it, it wasn’t pejorative. It was making him even cuter and it made Louis smile as he looked up to the young boy. He also knew he was right, of course Johannah would understand but he was so scared to disappoint her, it was the last thing he wanted. She had always made her best to protect her children from the world, from pain. And he wanted to do the same. She liked Tamara, loved her even, she always asked Louis to invite her to dinner, she always went with him when he needed to buy Tamara a present.

“Your mother also seems like a great one, isn’t she?” 

Harry smiled and nodded and his sunglasses slid a bit on his nose, he put them back up quickly before speaking up again. 

“She is! She is the best, she understands everything and it’s almost like she had faced everything I’ve been through lately. She just understands me and my sister… She’s always there for us. And she makes the best hot chocolate ever, she was always making them before I went to bed when I was younger. She doesn’t anymore, I think she believes I feel too old for it..”

Louis was smiling, looking at the young boy. He could listen to him rambling for hours, without saying a single word. He could simply keep his eyes on the younger boy and he wouldn’t want this moment to stop. It was soothing.

“But I don’t, who’s too old for hot chocolate? Even when I will be 30, I want to go to her house and she would wait for me with hot chocolate because nobody is too old for hot chocolate! It would be like being too old for cookies you know… Not possible.”

He shrugged like it was the most obvious thing. It was a bit crazy how easily Harry would make Louis smile like a child, or how easily it was for him to make the older boy forget all the bad things just to focus on the bright side. Harry was like a magician, each time he was talking, smiling, laughing, it would make Louis a bit happier. It would brighten his mind. For a moment, nothing mattered more than Harry’s smile. 

“You’re probably more of a coffee person!” Harry exclaimed.   
“What makes you think that?” 

Harry shrugged. 

“Well, first, you’re older, and also, you smoke! And sometimes your breath smells like coffee.” 

The silence fell on the boys, Louis didn’t know what to answer and Harry was slowly realising what he had just said. He also felt a bit embarrassed, did it mean his breath smelled bad?

“Not that I paid attention to your breath, sometimes you’re just close and I can smell it…” he rushed, feeling his cheeks burn from embarrassment. 

He shut his mouth again and the room was plunged in total silence, only some laughters could be heard coming from downstairs. Louis smiled when he saw Harry biting down on his lip and chewing and scratching the back of his neck. He slapped the young boy’s knee softly and Harry flinched a bit.

“Stop this! Your lip is going to fall off your face one day!”

Harry let his lip slid off his teeth and he breathed in deeply. He discretely grabbed the pillow behind him and threw it on his left, where he knew Louis was laying, the pillow hit Louis’ stomach pretty roughly, making him laugh and cough at the same time. When Harry felt the pillow being taken off his hands, he groped around behind him, trying to get another pillow but his fingers only met the cover of a book, he grabbed it, sliding his fingers on it, trying to find something that would tell him what it was. He could only assume it was a novel by its size. He closed his eyes, he wished he could open it and read a bit of it, he missed reading books. He was still working on his alphabet and even though he was getting better and better, reading with his fingertips were much more complicated and long than reading with his eyes like he used to. 

“Is it the book you’re reading to me when I call?” he asked, blushing a bit. 

Louis took the book from the boy’s hands. Harry didn’t call every night but almost and it felt good for both of them even though they wouldn’t really admit it out loud or even to themselves. Louis only said he was happy to help and Harry said it helped him to sleep. But the fact was it wasn’t just about that, they felt happier, calmer, they felt like they needed those calls. 

“Yes, do you want me to read a bit for you?” Louis offered.

Harry hesitated for a second, call wasn’t “real”. They weren’t physically with each other and they could react however they wanted from each side of the phone no one was there to see their smile. But he nodded because he really, really wanted to hear Louis use his voices to tell him Scarlett’s story. He felt the bed move a bit and he assumed Louis had laid down on the other side, his head near Harry. 

“You can lay down.”

And Harry did, slowly, feeling around to be sure he wasn’t too close to the edge, he laid down next to Louis, pushing his glasses up on his nose. After some seconds, he heard Louis’ fingers run against the paper of the book pages and soon after, his voice was heard and Harry’s heart tightened in his chest.

_“For the first time since the war began, Atlanta could hear the sound of battle.”_

 

Louis was peacefully asleep when he felt his shoulder being shaken softly. He whined a bit before opening an eye in the dark room, the light coming from the hallway was lightening his mother’s face, he sat up, suddenly worried. 

“What’s going on?” he asked  
“Shhh, nothing honey...”   
“Is it the morning already?” 

He looked up to the window, the shutters were opened and he could see the sky full of stars, no, it was definitely not the morning yet. He refocused his attention on his mother, she was shaking her head, still holding his shoulder. Her wavy hair was falling around her face perfectly. It couldn’t be that late because Johannah was usually going to bed around 1 am, once the girls were home from their party and the twins in bed. 

“Harry is sleeping here?”

It wasn’t really a question, but Louis frowned and looked on his right. Indeed on the other pillow Louis could notice Harry’s messy curls. He was turning his back on him and his body was laying in a foetal position, all curled up. Louis slowly remembered how after reading for a while, Harry had fallen asleep and Louis, exhausted, fell asleep straight after. His long walk was probably what made him so tired so early compared to the other days. He looked back to his mother. 

“I don’t mind, I called his mum to let her know, but you should lend him one of your pyjamas, he must feel uncomfortable with his jeans. And you should change as well baby.” 

He looked down to his outfit, he was still wearing his black jeans and his t-shirt. He sighed a bit, standing up and rubbing his eyes softly. Johannah walked up to the other side of the bed and shook Harry’s shoulder like she had done with her son’s. Harry slowly woke up and frowned, the voice wasn’t his mother’s and for a second he wondered where the hell he was. 

“Harry, Louis is going to lend you some clothes so you can change and go back to sleep, okay?” 

Her voice was calm and close to a whisper but he was confused. Quickly the memories came back to him and his mind was clearer, he sat down, yawning. He heard the door close and he wished he could see what was going on. He felt weird, embarrassed. He used to sleep over at Niall’s and Niall would sleep over at his house but it has been a while since he had last slept elsewhere. It felt different, stressful even. He couldn’t wake up and search for the toilet if he needed to pee because he would probably walk in one of Louis’ siblings’ room. Maybe it sounded stupid but he was scared. Louis placed a pair of sweatpants and some T-shirt on Harry’s laps, making him flinch a bit.

“You can change in the bathroom.” 

Harry pinched his lips, raising his head a bit at his voice. He lifted his arm and Louis grabbed it gently before helping the younger boy up, leading him to the bathroom slowly. Just like Harry, Louis had his bathroom adjoining his bedroom. Yet, he was sharing the bathroom with Lottie and Félicité. Once Harry was in the bathroom, Louis closed the door silently.   
When both of them were finally changed to something more comfortable and had brushed their teeth – because with such a big family, there were always spare toothbrush – they came back in Louis’ room and laid down on the bed. Harry felt so comfortable under the covers, he could feel Louis’ breath tickling his nose a bit. His sunglasses’ arms were hurting behind his ears. Louis were looking at Harry, his eyes hadn’t left his face since they had laid down and he wished he didn’t have to sleep. The light of the moon was enlightening his face a bit and he looked beautiful, from his slightly opened mouth to the reflection of the moonlight on his curls. When Louis softly grabbed the sunglasses’ arms, Harry didn’t stop him, he simply flinched a bit, closing his eyes quickly. Louis took them off his face and Harry felt suddenly naked under Louis’ eyes. He put the glasses on his bed table near a water bottle and an alarm clock. He looked back at the younger boy and came closer slowly, he didn’t want to scare him. 

“Open your eyes...”

It was only a whisper and it gave Harry goosebumps, his voice so low and soft and his breath caressing his face softly. The smell of the fresh minty toothpaste was tickling Harry’s nostrils and he couldn’t stop his heart from speeding into his chest. It was beating so fast and hard than he wondered if Louis could hear it from where he was. He kept his eyes closed, he didn’t want to let Louis see. It could sound stupid because his eyes didn’t got damaged directly, his brain had been the cause of his eyesight loss. Louis let his thumb slide under Harry’s eye, brushing his eyelashes gently. 

“Please.”

Harry breathed in deeply, his lungs and heart were painful, his hands were shaking against his chest, grabbing the shirt strongly in the hope they would stop. The touch under his eye made it hard to breathe, he tried to regulate his breathing and calm his heart but both were going crazy. Harry turned around hearing Louis sigh behind him. He buried his face in the pillow, clenching his teeth and retaining the tears that were trying to cross his eyelids. 

“Goodnight Harry.” 

Harry bit down on his lip. 

“Goodnight.”

But none of them found sleep until the early morning, fainting to fall asleep and turning around over and over again softly trying not to _wake_ the other up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! How are you feeling today?   
> So here I am with another chapter!   
> As you can see, it's mostly focused on Harry and Louis, unlike the previous chapter.   
> I hope you liked it!  
> Thanks for reading :)   
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	13. Chapter 13

# JUST HOLD ON

_**July 23th** _

The fact Louis had forgotten to close the shutters entirely the night before dragged him out of his deep sleep, the sun was now high and burning his eyes through his eyelids. He groaned loudly before pulling the cover over his face, pressing his face against his white pillow. He didn’t want to wake up, he had managed to fall asleep way too late for waking up, ever. It takes a minute or two for the brain to react to any sensation when it wakes up. So after the quick blank page, the pain kicked in. The tiredness was heavy on his eyelids. He didn’t want to get up and face the world, he wanted to stay in bed, in his room for the rest of the day. He curled up in the covers, in a foetal position. His heart felt so heavy, so painful. He hated waking up like this. Waking up and feeling useless and stupid like the world wasn’t for him. Feeling like he would never fit in. Like if he disappeared, nothing would change on earth, no one would really care, they wouldn’t really miss him. It hurt so bad as the thought were going in circle in his brain. He clenched his teeth until his jaw hurt. And without knowing why, the tears started streaming down his face, disappearing in the pillow. It felt like someone was sitting on his chest, he had troubles breathing and his heart was beating faster as the sobs began to escape his lips. Louis pressed his fists against his chest, almost like he wished he could dig in and take the pain away. But it didn’t work like that. It was already so deep in him, in his stomach, his lungs and heart, everywhere and he could feel it. His organs felt like they were being gnawed by rats. He didn’t know why. He just woke up and he broke down. It had happened before and each time he couldn’t leave his bed, that was where he felt the less miserable, hidden under his hot protective covers, soaking the pillow with his hot tears. But suddenly, in the silence of the room, a voice was heard. 

“Louis?” 

A slow and almost inaudible whisper behind him. He frowned, closing his eyes tightly to try not to let more tears out. A hand wrapped around his cold arm under the blanket and he froze. The hand was warm and it gave him goosebumps. The bed creaked a bit as the person behind him came closer. 

“Louis, what’s wrong?”

The last thing Louis wanted was to be seen like that. Ever. It was wrong, it was stupid and ridiculous and he had no reason to cry like that so suddenly. He felt so dumb and it hurt even more as he covered himself with silent insults. Stupid. Fat. Ugly. Disgusting. Dumb… 

“Louis, please..” 

And in between his sobs and shivers, despite the pain and hate running through his veins, he managed to stutter:

“I don’t want you to see me like that.” 

Harry sighed and Louis felt something against the top of his back for a minute. Harry had put his forehead against Louis and he was thinking for a bit. He never really heard Louis crying. He never heard him drowned in a sobbing and shivering mess. He closed his eyes for a second. It hurt. 

“Well, technically, if you turn around I won’t see you either...”

Louis cursed to himself for the mistake he had done and the sobs went on and on. His heart felt so tight that it seemed like it was about to implode violently inside his body. It wouldn’t sound like a metaphor if he said his heart was breaking, he could actually believe it because it felt like it. Harry pulled on his arm a bit and Louis turned around, the tears were pouring on the older boy face and Harry couldn’t do anything other than imagining the scene in front of him. But how could he if he didn’t even know Louis’ face. Harry placed his hand on Louis’ other arm again. He could feel him shudder violently under his fingers, almost like he was convulsing. Harry’s thumb stroked Louis’ skin gently, trying to comfort him. He didn’t really know how to comfort anyone. He had never found himself in a similar situation as he was now and he was hesitant on every words or gesture he wanted to say or make. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked slowly. 

Louis opened his eyes on the young boy. His eyelids were heavy and his eyelashes were stuck together with tears. His vision was blur but he could still notice Harry’s frown and his half-opened eyes, even though he wasn’t able to see much of them, he could say they were beautiful. And he regretted he didn’t see them before or in other circumstances. He shrugged and although he knew Harry might have felt it under his hand, he added: 

“I don’t even know.” 

His voice broke with a loud sob and the tears ran back to his cheeks, crossing his face and dying on the pillow which was already wet from all the crying. He opened his mouth to ease his breathing and the sobs seemed even louder, the tremors his body was the victim of didn’t help either. Each inhalation he was taking was loud and turned into a sob. The pain in Harry’s heart was worst each time he heard another sniffing or sob. The young boy slid his hand up slowly on Louis’ arm, his fingers touching his bony shoulders. When he placed his hand on his soaked cheeks, he felt Louis facial hair tickling his palm a bit. He slowly wiped Louis’ tears, feeling his fingertip brushing his eyelashes.

“Sometimes, pain isn’t explicable.” he whispered. 

Louis opened his eyes slowly, Harry had his lips pinched together and some strand of hair were falling across his face. Louis’ throat was so tight and his chest seemed too tiny for his organs, it felt like they were pushing against his bones, each inhalation was painful. His tears were rolling on Harry’s thumb and he was sniffing loudly. He wanted Harry to hold him, hold him tight and for the rest of the day. He wanted to feel his breath in his hair and his heart beating against his chest. He wanted Harry’s hand tied up in his back. He wanted to be held like he used to hold people.

“Come here” Harry murmured again. 

He pulled slightly on the back of Louis’ head and soon after the older boy hid his face into the crook of his neck. Louis’ hot tears were falling down on Harry’s skin but he didn’t mind, he let him cry for a while. It was scary how strong Louis seemed to be, how happy he sounded and suddenly here he was, crying and drowning into his own tears. After a while, the contortion Harry’s back had taken to hold Louis was starting to ache so without letting the boy go, he laid on his back slowly. Louis put his head over the young boy’s chest, he could feel his heartbeats resonate against his cheek and he closed his eyes as Harry laid his arm across his back, holding him tight. 

“It’s going to be okay...” 

For the very first time, Harry was the one to comfort Louis. He was the one who took care of him. And for the first time, Louis had someone – other than his mother – to hold him and whisper comforting words in his ear. It was also the first time he let himself look so broken, that he let someone realise how broken he was. He felt weak, almost ridiculous here crying in Harry’s arms. Louis was older and he felt like he was supposed to be the strongest, like he shouldn’t cry, shouldn’t complain, never. 

Harry was brushing Louis’ hair gently, running his fingers through it. His other arm was wrapped tightly against the boy’s back, Louis seemed so tiny and thin between his hands. Even though he was holding him over his shirt, he could feel Louis’ bony spine and ribs. Being deprived of his eyes implied not being able to notice anyone’s face or body, and other than his family’s faces, Harry didn’t care much, it wasn’t something he thought about. Seeing strangers’ faces wasn’t the thing he wanted the most but when Louis felt so skinny under his fingers, he suddenly cared. He didn’t feel healthy under his hand, maybe it was simply the way he was, how he had always been, Harry didn’t know but with Louis’ tears soaking his chest, he was worried.   
It took almost an hour before Louis’ sobs had fully disappeared. Harry’s shirt – or Louis’ borrowed shirt – was still wet from his tears but the older boy wasn’t crying anymore. He had closed his eyes, he was calm, holding on Harry’s shirt like he was about to disappear. He wanted to lay there forever, feel Harry’s heartbeat against his cheek forever, feel his warm body against his cold one forever. It felt so natural and weird at   
the same time. He was not the kind of person to cry in someone’s arms, other than his mother’s at least. Even less in manly arms. Zayn and Liam had never seen him cry and if it ever happened, Louis was pretty sure they would be uncomfortable and wouldn’t hug him. He didn’t mind. He knew they were amazing friends but holding him to comfort him wouldn’t be something they would ever do. They would simply pat his back. He felt like a child. But it didn’t feel wrong even though he wondered what he would say if someone opened the door and saw them like that. And when he laid back down on the bed, he was thankful no one did. He looked at Harry, he had his eyes closed and he seemed asleep but he turned his head toward Louis. 

“Do you feel better?” he asked softly.   
“Yes, thanks...” 

The sun was stroking Harry’s face softly and under this light, he looked beautiful. Louis thought how often he ended up noticing how beautiful Harry looked and for a second he wondered why. He had never really walked around in the street or watched TV telling himself how a man was beautiful. It was the first time he actually noticed that it was more than just a word, more than realising how handsome this boy was. It was special, unique and it felt like he had a knot on his stomach. After some minutes of silence, knocks were heard on the door and Louis moved away from Harry when the door opened on his mother. 

“Hello boys, it’s 1pm, you should get up.” she smiled at them. 

Louis nodded slowly. 

“We’re coming.” 

She nodded before leaving the room and closing the door behind her. Louis looked up to the window and frowned as the sun hit his eyes violently, he pushed the covers away from his body, the cold air stroked his skin and gave him goosebumps. He pulled on the bottom on his shirt, covering his chest before he stood up from the bed. He didn’t want to, at all. He wanted to lay there next to Harry for the rest of the day, looking at him for so long that he could notice his tiniest moles. But he couldn’t.

“Can you give me my glasses?” Harry asked. 

Louis turned around, taking a look at him before grabbing the glasses on the bed table and putting them on Harry’s chest, next to his hand. He took them and slid them back on the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly. None of them wanted to leave the heat of the bed or the calm of the room. He sat up on the bed and ran his fingers through his curls making them fall back on his forehead. He slid his legs off the covers and put his bare feet on the cold floor, the contrast with his warm skin made him shivers. 

“Let’s go.” Louis said as he grabbed Harry’s hand to help him up. 

Harry held Louis’ elbow as he led them to the stairs, slowly they walked downstairs. Daisy and Phoebe were outside in the garden with friends, Ernest and Doris were silently watching TV and Louis’ mother and step-dad were sitting on the stools chatting silently. When the boys entered the kitchen, they looked up with a smile.

“Hi! Do you want breakfast, I know it’s late but Lottie made too many pancakes this morning so there are some left.”

Johannah stood up and walked toward the fridge. Louis helped Harry to sit on the high stool before sitting next to him. They kept silence, it was embarrassing. Without any reason really. Harry wasn’t sure he was really really for all of this, even when he used to see, he never really felt comfortable in the morning in someone else’s house. Johannah put the plate of pancakes on the counter. 

“Harry, what do you want, tea, coffee or orange juice maybe?” Dan asked when he stood up.   
“Orange juice will be fine.” 

Dan brought two glasses filled with orange juice and put them in front of them. Once they were both sitting on the corners, Harry grabbed the glass softly, brought it carefully to his lips and let the liquid stream down his throat. It felt good, his throat was dried from the night.

“So, did you sleep well Harry?” Johannah asked again. 

Louis was cutting his pancakes in tiny pieces, his mind had stayed upstairs and he couldn’t think about something else than what happened. How broken and lost he felt. How his chest was so painful, like someone was stabbing him with a knife and slashing his heart deeply with razor blades. How he wanted to run away from his own body, from his own mind. How he wanted to be somewhere else, someone else. Until Harry’s protective arms wrapped around him, pressing him against his heart. And as time went by, he felt the weight leaving his lungs a bit, helping him breathe. Harry was the cure to the pain and the confusion. He slid a piece of pancake in his mouth and chewed silently before swallowing. He looked up to Harry for a second, he was sliding his fork in his mouth carefully and chewing softly with a smile, nodding. 

“Yes, I am sorry we slept in so late..” Harry apologised with a timid smile over his lips. 

Louis blushed and lowered his head, looking back at late full of pancake pieces. 

“Oh, don’t worry about that, that’s nothing at all!” Dan said softly.  
“Honey, we hadn’t seen Tamara for a while now, are you two okay?” 

Louis looked up in a sudden, Harry had turned his head toward him. He mouthed him a silent “Tell her” before giving him a sad smile. Louis hesitated. Should he? Should he tell her that no, they were not okay, they had broken up, for the best. That it was fine, no one had exploded and Tamara was okay. 

“We.. We broke up.” he declared almost in a whisper. 

Johannah opened wide eyes, surprised and maybe even shocked. She exchanged a look with her husband. Louis bit the inside of his cheek, waiting for her to talk, to say he was wrong, that she was good for him, a great person. But Louis didn’t want to hear that because he knew too well it wasn’t the truth and he ignored if she had heard him thinking but she simply asked: 

“Why? Are you okay?” 

He nodded energetically, trying to brush the worried expression painting her face. 

“It was… she changed and it was not the same anymore, but it’s okay really.” 

His mother stroked his hand and smiled, nodding softly and he thanked her for not asking any more question about how it happened and why. When he looked up to Harry, he wondered if what he told his mother was really the truth or just an excuse he had made up to reassure himself about all this messed up situation. Because for a second, it felt like the one he wanted to replace Tamara with was just there in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello you! Are you okay? You better be!  
> So here I am with the new chapter! I know it's a bit random and pretty short, I hope you don't mind too much.  
> The next chapter is going to be longer, I promise (it's written already)  
> Hey, so how did you react when Liam announced the birth of baby Payno? Personally, I cried, I was waiting for so long, I am so happy for them.  
> And Harry's future single? Pretty sure it's going to be amazing! (next week I'll probably post the next chapter while listening to it!)  
> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter!  
> Thanks for reading! :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	14. Chapter 14

# STRENGTH AND SILK

**_July 25th_ **

Louis needed to breathe. He needed some fresh air and silence to clear his mind. He needed to make place, get rid of doubts and all his unanswered questions he couldn’t stop asking himself, over and over again. The constant laughters or yelling in the house made it almost impossible to focus. It was a good thing, for a while only. He could get away from his own thoughts, he could stop thinking and just focus on the deafening sounds all around him. But now it just made it harder. Don’t take him wrong, he loved his family. More than anyone could ever love their own family. He would give every single thing for them, to be sure they would be happy their whole life. He would do anything for them. But in a house where 7 kids including him were living, he couldn’t focus on anything. He needed to take care of the house when the adults were away. He needed to take care of the youngest. He liked the role of the biggest brother, it was exhausting but he was glad to help them. But if he needed to focus on himself, on trying to found out what was the best for him and how he had to act, then it was harder. Almost impossible, really, even with music plugged in his ears, at some point his tranquillity would be broken. So he left the house, like every time he needed to be on his own. Only him facing his brain. It was scary sometimes. Facing his brain meant facing his darkest thoughts. It could be terrifying. But he had to. How would he be able to figure out what was good if he couldn’t clean up his mind a bit. 

Louis was now walking around in town, even though he knew too well he would end up at the same place as always: the park. He took his time, enjoying the silence and even looking at the bright blue sky where he could see birds flying around. He envied them. He wished he was as free as they were. He heard once in American Horror Story, that birds could “fly away when things get too crazy”. And it was true, he wished he could do that. Each time something was making life harder, so hard that he couldn’t just face it and keep going, he would just fly away for a bit. Away from his mind. Away from his body. Away from himself. But he was a human being with responsibilities, a family and friends. And he could never bring himself to fly away from that. He was faithful, trustful and everyone knew it around him.   
This summer was warm and bright, children were enjoying a swim, sportive were enjoying a run. Sun always seemed to cheer people up, once they were far from grey clouds and rain, they seemed so much more joyful. Not Louis. He sighed before entering the park, there were some people running here and there, children on the playground watched by their parents, old people sitting on the bench chatting and laughing happily. It was beautiful to see. Truly heart warming. He just walked alone among them. Barely anyone knew who he really was, to them, he was “one kid from the big family” or something like that. Young people never really tried to know more about him. Strangely, old people were the nicest to him. He used to read them books at the retirement home when he arrived in town. He had turnt 15 and he already liked reading and making people happy. So once the director had agreed, he started coming here once a day, after school and read a bit to them. He loved it. A lot. He had become the “cute kid”. He had discovered Gone With the Wind or Wuthering Heights thanks to an old lady called Anita who had asked him to read it to her. It was her favourites books, she had read them several time but listening to Louis read them to her allowed her to rest and enjoy the adventures.  
Louis kept walking for a while before he noticed someone laying down in the grass. It wasn’t uncommon, some people were used to lay or sit on it all the time but he recognised the brown curls laying around his face. He walked slowly, at first he was a bit worried, he was all alone laying under a tree and some ray of sunshine was sneaking through the branches to caress his face. He looked so inert. But he quickly noticed the smile other his lips and his chest going up and down slowly. He squatted next to him. 

“Harry?” 

Harry jumped with surprised, cursing loudly as he covered his chest with his hands. Louis noticed several rings on his fingers and raised an eyebrow, there were not there before. 

“Sorry, it’s Louis.” he said, touching his shoulder gently before he sat down cross-legged next to him.   
“You scared the hell out of me!” he exclaimed loudly, still his hand other his heart, feeling it beat violently again his palm. 

It took him almost a full minute to catch his breath. His heart was calming and slowing down slowly to find his normal usual speed. Louis observed silently before Harry sat up and drank a bit from the water bottle next to him. It was probably far from cold now. 

“So, what are you doing here all alone?” he asked after a while. 

Harry frowned a bit. That sounded like Louis assumed he always needed to be with his mother, but he was a big boy, he could take care of himself and stay on his own for a while. The truth was, he had asked his sister to take him to the park, she wanted to stay at first but after he had promised her he would be perfectly fine, she reluctantly left him. She was supposed to come get him around 5 or before if the weather was taking a turn for the worse, he could still call her if anything was wrong. _Take care of you, call me if you don’t feel good, don’t walk around alone, don’t stay too much under the sun_. Gemma was protective. That was funny how before the accident, he was the protective one. She was older, yes, but he cared a lot about her. He would question her boyfriends, trying to scare them. It didn’t really work, even though he was muscular and pretty tall, Harry was still at least 3 years younger and to them, he was still a child. But now, she was the one who looked after him, a bit too much if you asked him. 

“My sister agreed on leaving me enjoy the weather for a bit.” he sent Louis a sarcastic smile that was saying _no, I am not a kid anymore_.   
“That’s good, do you want to go for a walk?” he offered. 

Suddenly, the silence and tranquillity of being all alone to make his mind clearer wasn’t something he was looking for anymore. He didn’t mind adding some noise to the silent birds’ warbles. Harry was talking so slowly and calmly, it would be as soothing as listening to nature. Harry shrugged before standing up carefully. Louis grabbed his wrist softly and Harry held on his elbow before they started walking on the path. That was silent for a while. Since the day Harry had slept at his house, they didn’t talk much. Louis was embarrassed, he wanted to talk about it, clear things but he hadn’t managed to bring himself to do it yet. It was uncommon for Louis, he wasn’t used to talk about how he felt or how he acted, because he used to hide it so well to people who surrounded him that it became almost natural. To lie. To hide. To feel ashamed of who he was because people were telling him that being a man included being strong. _Men don’t cry. Men don’t complain._ Society was telling him to be fit, to be strong, a real man. And he was trying, trying to become this image of the perfect man society wanted him to be. He wanted to be strong. It was so hard, so painful, to fight yourself to become someone you were not. 

“Harry...” he started quietly. 

It was almost a whisper, but Harry caught it and turned his head a bit toward him, showing he was listening. It was silent though. For a minute or two, they could only hear the twigs break under their feet, the silent breeze brushing the maples’ leaves and the birds singing quietly to the sun. Louis was trying to find his words. As always, he didn’t know where to start. Once he had cleared his throat and breathed in, he spoke up. 

“About the other day...” he waited a second, Harry kept silent so he started again, “I don’t know what happened and I am so sorry you were there, it shouldn’t have happened, I am not supposed to be like that and...” this time he was cut off.   
“Like what?” the younger boy frowned.   
“Weak!” 

Harry frowned again, deeply. Louis was one of the strongest person he had even met. He was amazing. He cared about everyone around him and he could give love to people who needed to be loved. He was giving to everyone without expecting anything in return. He was unique and he had responsibilities and was sticking to them. 

“Why do you think you’re weak?” he asked, curious.   
“Because I cried, and I am.. a grown man, I am not supposed to cry like a child, I shouldn’t...”

Once again, Louis was cut off, but this time Harry didn’t speak, he simply stopped walking and stood on the path frowning and shaking his head gently. Louis turned around to look at him, he was about to ask if he was okay, maybe it was too warm and he felt sick. It had happened to him in the past. But Harry lifted his head silently, his mouth was opened like he was about to say something but he breathed in. Louis was confused until Harry’s voice was heard again. 

“Crying doesn’t make you less of an adult, less of a man or less of a human being! Each single person on this planet has weaknesses but it doesn’t mean they are weak. It means you have feelings, you have a brain and a heart beating in your chest. It means you’re alive. If you feel pain, if you bleed, if you cry, scream, break down...” he stopped for a second, listening to the silence before starting again, “it doesn’t mean you’re not strong or manly. Ask any man if they’ve ever cried, and you’ll see all of them had cried at least once.” 

Saying Louis was surprised would be an understatement. He was speechless and he felt stupid when he realised he couldn’t move, he couldn’t walk. He was so shocked by Harry’s words, his maturity. He bit the inside of his cheek as he looked down do his feet, feeling suddenly really sheepish. He kept silence for a while, none of them talked or moved, they stayed there, standing in front of each other at the middle of the path. When Louis looked up to the younger boy, the sun was reflecting on his sunglasses and the wind was making his hair fly softly. He stepped forward silently, slowly walking up to Harry. 

“Have you ever cried?” he asked softly. 

He was so close to Harry that the curly-haired boy could guess he had smoked not long before because his breath smelled like cigarette. He smiled at the question. Had he ever cried? A lot. Yes, sometimes he felt weak, like he was a baby but he knew he wasn’t. He knew he was going through something hard, so hard that he had thought he would never get over it. He wasn’t yet. He was so far from being over it, especially in moment like this, where he could feel the sun stroking his face and arms without seeing the beautiful world around him. But it didn’t mean he wouldn’t be, one day. It didn’t mean he wouldn’t be happy with his own little family.

“Yes, of course, a lot!” he exclaimed, a soft smile on his lips.   
“Then I must be a real man!” he said, making the young boy frown. “Because if someone as smart and strong as you can cry, than maybe it means I can cry and be a man at the same time.” 

Harry opened his mouth before pushing Louis violently, laughing loudly when the older boy squealed grabbing his wrists not to fall, and when he heard Louis’ laughters, he felt his heart warm in his chest. Louis walked back up to him and let him grab his elbow before they started walking again, both smiling. Louis was amazed at how much Harry seemed to have changed in less than a month. He was smiling, laughing even, and it was the most beautiful melody he had ever heard in his life. Better than his favourite song, better than anything, the only sound that could make his heart feel so special, so tight, beating so fast. It was incredible and confusing at the same time. What was going on? Why couldn’t he take his eyes off Harry? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about all the wonderful moments he had spent with him? Why couldn’t he stop drawing his portrait in his head when he was away from him? All of this was so different than anything he had ever felt or lived. Even a bit scary when he focused too much on it.   
When Harry’s phone rang in his pocket and repeated “Call from Gemma” he rushed to take the phone out of his jeans, sliding his finger carefully on the screen and brought the phone to his ear. 

“Gem...” 

Louis guessed he was cut off by the way he could hear a voice yelling, Harry sighed and moved the phone away from his face. 

“I am with Louis! I am not alone and...” 

Louis smiled a bit, pinching his lips to retain the laugh that wanted to escape his mouth. Harry looked so funny though, barely able to speak.

“Okay, Okay!” 

He slid his fingers on the screen again and carefully put his phone back on his jean’s pocket. He sighed loudly. He looked like a child who was not allowed to eat a cookie just before dinner. He was pouting a bit and that looked absolutely adorable. 

“I have to go home… She came to look for me and didn’t find me… She’s so mad.”   
“That’s fine, come on, let’s take you home!” he smiled before putting Harry’s hand back on his arm. 

They started walking silently. None of them talked. Harry didn’t want to leave Louis, he wanted to make sure he was okay, that everything would be fine and he wanted to be there to hold him if he cried again. He wanted to be there to tell him how of a strong man he was and how he could cry as much as he wanted, it wouldn’t change anything. He wanted to hold him tightly and let him break down in his arms, crying his eyes out, screaming his lungs out. He didn’t really care, he simply wanted to be here for him. When they arrived in front of Harry’s house, both of their heart were tight in each other’s chest. They didn’t wanted to go. They felt safe with each other. So when Harry opened the door, he asked Louis if he wanted to come in, and the latter didn’t hesitate a second before following him inside the house. Harry was even happier about Louis’ presence when Gemma’s voice was heard from the living room followed by fast and loud steps coming toward him. She had started yelling but stopped when she noticed Louis standing behind him. 

Louis had been invited to have dinner with them and after he had taken the time to call his mum, not for her approbation, just so he could let her know, he had helped Harry’s mother to make dinner. That was one of the things he had never done. Cooking was a challenge to him, he wasn’t terrible but at least far from good. His mum was an amazing chef really, and everyone in the family liked to help her because cooking for so many people was a lot of work. But as time went by, Johannah refused to let Louis enter the kitchen if they were cooking, he was so clumsy he had broke already too many things. It wasn’t mean when she was telling him to wait in his room, it was for security purposes. So when Anne asked him if he wanted to help a bit until Harry would be done with his shower, he jumped at the chance, a bit anxious at the idea he could break something. Anne decided to cook a mixed salad, they were used to eat a lot of mixed salad during summer and even though Louis had never eaten one, Anne’s description sounded pretty delicious to Louis. So as Anne started cooking some smoked bacon strips in the frying pan and cleaning the batavia lettuce, Louis had to cut some potatoes in slices, Anne joined him to cut some prickles in pieces. 

“So Louis...” he looked up to her for a second before focusing back on the potatoes not to cut his fingers off. “Do you eat enough?” 

The question surprised Louis and destabilized him a bit. No one had ever asked him something like that and they wouldn’t think about asking him, because it wasn’t something they would ever considerate a problem. Until recently, Louis loved to eat. He used to go to a lot of Fast-Food and enjoyed it. Liam and Zayn used to meet in McDonald’s and spend hours there just chatting and eating. When Liam had found out about his passion for work out, he took some steps away from Fast-Foods. For a while it was only Zayn and Louis, until Tamara’s words started weighing too much on Louis’ stomach. He shrugged. 

“Yes, of course I do!” 

Anne raised an eyebrow, doubtful. From where she was standing, she could see Louis’ collarbones, so visible under his skin, he looked so pale and his clothes were floating on his body. He looked lost in his own outfit, like it wasn’t his. She wiped her hands and put one on one of his shoulder, sitting on the chair next to him. 

“You’re sure? Everything is fine?” she asked again, now looking through his blue eyes. 

He raised an eyebrow, drawing a smile over his lips and painting a fake happy expression on his face. He nodded energetically, his fringe jumping softly on his forehead. 

“Yeah, I feel great!” 

She sighed softly and for a second, Louis was scared, Harry could have told her about what happened. He could have told her how much of a crying mess he had been, how broken he felt and maybe Harry was unable to hold his tongue. His heart felt like stopping in his chest. If Anne knew, he was pretty certain Johannah would know fast enough.

“Okay then, that’s good..” she smiled before standing up and checking the bacon strips. 

She put some eggs in a saucepan full of water and let it boil. It was silence now apart from the crackling sound from the pan.  
After about 15 minutes, everything was mixed in a big salad bowl where she added some vinaigrette sauce and crouton. It looked nice and delicious. They were all around the table and they ate silently. Louis took ages to eat his plate. When everyone was already done, he was still sticking his fork into the thin slices of potato to lead them to his mouth. It was hard, he didn’t want to eat and didn’t feel hunger kicking his stomach either. So it felt like he was pushing the food into his stomach, and it already felt heavy and full after two mouthfuls. After the confusing questions Anne had asked, Louis didn’t want her to have any doubt about his health. He didn’t want those worries to arrive to his mother’s ears.

It was around 9 when Gemma showed up in the living-room where Harry and Louis were sitting on the sofa, chatting silently and laughing a bit. 

“Louis, your mother is asking if you’ll sleep here?” she spoke up with a smile and before Louis could answer, Harry did it for him.   
“Yes, he will sleep here!” he said nodding softly. 

She placed the phone back against her ear quickly while waking away. The sun had started to go down, hiding behind some house or trees but the light was still strong enough to lighten their faces. An hour went by and Anne and Gemma were both about to go to bed, they were not night owls and Harry used to be like them, until everything changed for the worst. Most of the time, he couldn’t manage to fall asleep so he would turn around over and over again in his bed. He remembered when it used to happen – hardly ever – before the accident. At that time, he would read a bit, draw or watch a movie. Now it was a bit of music now and then, or nothing at all. Just boredom.

“So boys, we’re going to bed, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Anne said with a smile before hugging both of them. “Goodnight!”   
“Night mummy!” Harry said with a smile.  
“Goodnight ma’am!” the older boy exclaimed, waving as she walked away.   
“Call me Anne, Louis, ma’am makes me feel old!” 

He nodded slowly with a smile and watched at she disappeared in the staircase, followed by her daughter. Short after, they heard two doors close and they brought back their attention to each other. It was silent for a while. Usually at this time, Johannah would watch TV with her husband, Louis and Félicité would join them and Lottie would listen to music a bit too loud in her room. Phoebe and Daisy would complain and sometimes even fight with her. And if they made the mistake to wake up the babies than Johannah would start yelling and force Lottie to stop the music. Louis would offer to take care of the babies and make them fall asleep as his mother would rest upstairs. He liked the vibrant, sometimes loud, atmosphere of his house, in a way it was reassuring. Hearing all of them proved him they were fine. Sometimes it was tiring, and he wished they could be calmer and quieter. 

“So, what do you want to do?” Harry asked. 

Louis shrugged and thought for a bit. He looked around the room, the sofa they were sitting on was in the middle of the room, there was a glass coffee table just in front of his, some books were under it and a candle was on the centre of the table. The telly was on a large, white and grey TV cabinet, he could see a lot of DVD on the sides, an idea came to his mind.

“What about we watch a movie?”

He stood up and walked toward the DVDs, bending a bit forward to look at them. Titanic, Rocky, Avatar, Saving Private Ryan, Jaws, Jurassic Park, The Exorcist, The Green Mile… A pretty divers collection really, he had seen all of those and liked them pretty much. And then he saw it, a grin stretching his lips all in a sudden. Grease. 

“I don’t think...” Harry was cut off.   
“Grease!” he exclaimed suddenly. “We should watch Grease!”

He saw how reticent Harry looked, he was frowning and he was biting down on his lip hesitantly. Inside, Harry was screaming yes. He loved Grease, a lot. He used to watch it a lot when he didn’t have anything to do. But he hadn’t really watched, or _listen to_ , any movies since the accident. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He loved cinema and watching films, almost as much as he loved reading. But now it was different, like almost everything, it had changed. Not being able to look at the images and see what was happening was something quite sad to him. 

“What if we put the audio description?” Louis offered. 

He had taken the Grease DVD to the sofa and had sat down next to the curly-haired boy. It couldn’t be a bad idea. After all, it could help and even though it was a bit annoying to hear this female or male voice telling him what was happening on the screen, they could be his eyes. He wasn’t sure though, it would probably annoy Louis, he could see so listening to that extra voice was useless to him. 

“Blindfold me!” Louis’ voice broke the new silence. 

Harry lifted his head so fast that it hurt the back of his neck and he grimaced a bit, massaging the bottom of his skull gently. 

“What?” he asked, a bit disturbed.   
“Yes! Blindfold me so we’ll be equal!” 

Even though Harry wanted to agree at the second Louis finished talking, he kept silent. It was stupid, ridiculous. If Harry couldn’t have his eyes and enjoy the movie as much as he used to in the past, it didn’t mean Louis should be put in the same situation. 

“N-No, it’s unfair, why would you w...” but once again, he was cut off.   
“Just do it, it’s not unfair really, I mean it!” 

Harry sighed loudly. Louis was so stubborn he couldn’t fight back. He scratched his forehead for a bit. Louis was looking with wide eyes, a smile full of hope on his lips. He wanted to be equal, maybe it would be easier for Harry. He wanted to make things easier for him. It was not a big of deal really, just for a movie and he knew he would be able to see just after. It was harder for Harry to accept than for Louis to offer.

“Say yes!” he exclaimed   
“Fine!” Harry gave up loudly. “I think there are scarves on a box near the TV...” 

His mother had to explain to him the place of every single thing, they had to be sure he could find something by himself if he needed it. Louis stood up and walked toward the wooden box on the high pedestal table next to the TV cabinet. He looked inside of it, taking the first one he could see and brought it to Harry, he put it into his hands. Harry felt it a bit, it was soft under his fingers, he grabbed the ends of the scarf as Louis started putting the DVD in the DVD player. He turned on the TV, the imaged showed the setting menu and after he had turned on the audio description, he pressed the playing button, immediately the song started.

“Come here...” Harry sighed, shaking his head gently. 

Louis laughed silently as he slid his face behind the silky scarf, holding it against his eyes. 

“You can tie it.” he simply said, smiling. 

Harry started tying carefully, trying not to tie it too tightly not to hurt Louis. He knotted the scarf and let his hands fall back onto his knees once he was done. Louis was now deprived of his eyesight, he sat down carefully on the sofa. It was weird to watch Grease like that. Louis had seen the movie an infinite number of times. And sometimes he wanted to take off the scarf of his eyes discretely but he has promised Harry not to cheat so he wouldn’t. It was interesting though, knowing a bit how Harry felt at this moment next to him, how he could feel. He knew it was totally different from what Harry was actually going through, but honestly, Louis had never even thought of watching a film without actually _watching_ it. It was new to him. Of course, he had already tried to put himself in Harry’s shoes, just trying to think how it would be if he could never see anymore. That’s how he knew how the younger boy was so strong, because himself ignored how bad he would feel in front of such a situation. But Louis could simply take off the scarf if he wanted, there was no scarf to take off Harry’s face. They were about half way through the movie when a voice was heard next to them, Louis jumped violently, ripping the silky fabric off his head. His cheeks were burning as he looked up to see Gemma frowning. 

“I don’t even want to know.” she exclaimed with an amused smile, when Louis was about to explain himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! How are you today?  
> I am pretty happy to post this chapter on April 7th while listening to BBC Radio 1!  
> Firstly, what did you think of the song? (I cried, obviously.) I am really happy for him, and so proud!  
> Now, like I said last week, this chapter is a bit longer than the previous one but I hope it's not a problem for you?  
> As always, I hope you enjoyed it, if not, maybe tell me what I should approve so I can write better stories in the future?  
> But, anyway what are your thoughts on this chapter? Let me know? Each opinion is a pleasure to read.  
> Thanks for reading! :)  
> And as always, never forget to take care of yourself, you're beautiful and amazing! Don't let anyone treat you bad, you deserve the world ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	15. Chapter 15

# LATE NIGHT GAMES

**_July 27th_ **

When Zayn had texted Louis about the party the day before, Louis was home, sitting on his bed with his sister and helping her with some summer English work she couldn’t manage to finish on her own. Zayn had insisted on the fact that if Louis wanted, he could bring Harry and they would be happy to get to know him. It wasn’t really a party actually, it was probably more of a sleepover than anything else. Less than 10 people drinking a bit, playing board games. They had done them quite a few times, of course, they were still partying but those were the opportunity to be just between friends, chatting and having a nice time together. So here they were, sitting on the floor of Zayn’s new apartment he was sharing with his sister and a co-worker, both absent, and playing some board games that started annoying the girls, Sophia and Gigi. They couldn’t stop sighing loudly, trying to show their disappointment and most of the boys were ignoring them, as for Harry, he was trying not to laugh.

“Couldn’t we play something funnier?” Gigi asked, crossing her arms over her chest. 

Sophia nodded while she grabbed Liam’s hand and shook it, trying to drive his attention on her. They were trying to convince them to change game for a while now, it was around 11 and they were starting to feel really bored. There were 3 teams, Sophia and Liam, Zayn and Gigi, Harry and Louis. The last team was winning, probably because both of them were actually working on it, unlike Sophia and Gigi who had somewhat teamed up together against their partner. It hadn't worked until now, but Zayn and Liam were getting tired of their loud complains. 

“OK! What do you want to play then?” Zayn asked, looking at the girls.  
“Never have I ever?” Gigi offered with a smile full of hope.

Liam sighed loudly. It was THE game they used to play at parties and usually it was ending pretty bad, break up, friendship ending, etc… This game may have brought fun to the parties but it also brought drama. And right now, no one wanted to face any drama, they wanted to chill and have a good time all together. Harry smiled discretely, he never played _Never have I ever_ , maybe because he only had Niall as a friend and he didn’t think playing the game when you’re only two would be much fun. Gigi exchanged a look with Sophia who nodded before turning toward Liam and kissing his cheek. 

“Come on, like in the good old days!” she saw him smile a bit so she used her best puppy look and added “Please...”  
“OK, I’m in!” he said after his girlfriend had kissed him. 

Zayn sighed and Louis laughed. 

“I am in as well! Harry?” Louis asked.  
“Of course I am in!” he exclaimed a grin painted on his lips.  
“You’re all traitors!” Zayn shouted before taking the board game and throwing it behind him. 

They all laughed as Zayn sighed loudly and shrugged, showing he was okay – he didn’t really have any choice – to play the game. They didn’t have drank much yet, only the current beer on their side or in their hand. Louis didn’t really want to end up drunk around Harry and Harry didn’t drink much. He simply didn’t like the taste or anything about the effect that would have on him. He liked having control of himself and losing it with some alcohol wasn’t his goal in life, he would probably end up making a fool of himself and reveal some embarrassing things about himself. No, never going to happen. He liked some beer now and then. Not much. Zayn stood up and after a while was back with a bottle of vodka, and some orange juice and a bottle of coke. He was also holding some plastic cups. He set all of them on the floor and gave them to each one of his guests. Once the mixtures were done and Harry had insisted on only keeping his beer, they started. 

“Never have I ever got a tattoo and regretted it!” Gigi started, a smile on her face. 

Zayn and Liam drank a bit of their cup, sighing loudly and reminding themselves not to jump in the first tattoo parlour they could see ever again.

“Never have I ever stolen something but got caught!” Zayn said, a bit too proudly. 

Liam exchanged a look with Louis before they started laughing and drinking. They kept laughing for a while and Harry wished he knew what Louis had done with Liam that was supposed to be so funny. As the other were going through their Never have I ever, Harry was looking for one, a good one, he didn’t want to be ridiculous. He would probably not drink much at this game. He used to be so calm, he had spent most of his years in sport, running, swimming, cycling, whatever it could be. He was rarely ever going to party. Mostly because they weren't getting any invitation, and if they did, Harry had a marathon, a race, competition and he couldn’t go. He liked it the way it was though, even though he hadn’t done anything crazy in his life, he liked to think it wasn’t making him any less interesting. 

“Never have I ever broken a bone!” Liam declared, looking around. 

Harry bit the inside of his cheek and leant on Louis a bit before whispering: 

“I should probably drink the whole can for this one..” 

He drank a bit of his beer. Louis slid his hand discretely on Harry’s lower back and rubbed it gently to comfort him. Strangely he was the only one on the circle who had broken a bone which implied he had to tell the story. But Louis was against this, he didn’t want Harry to get in this situation. It was supposed to be a funny night, chilling and enjoying themselves, not reminding himself why he was the way he was now. 

“You’re the only one, you have to tell us!” Liam spoke up again with a smile. 

Louis and Harry couldn’t blame them, they didn’t know how Harry had became blind, they probably thought he was born like this. Louis had never took the time to tell them, maybe because he was avoiding talking about Harry to them, for some reason.

“I don’t think he…” but he was cut off.  
“That’s okay, I had a really bad car accident in February, I got a broken tibia and fibula on my left leg, some ribs, my collarbone and my cheekbone was pretty bad as well. Oh, and as a bonus, I lost my eyesight.” he said, almost ironically. 

Louis remained speechless with the way Harry had talked about it. Weeks ago, he would have ran and cry, hiding himself somewhere no one could see him. But tonight, he didn’t look broken, he simply pinched his lips in a sad manner and shrugged. Louis didn’t know how violent the accident was before Harry said that. He didn’t know anything about it, at all. No one talked, the atmosphere was awkward, uncomfortable even. The girls' jaws had dropped, shocked and Zayn was looking at Louis who was staring at the curly haired boy with shiny eyes and a proud smile on his lips.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to...” Liam started.  
“That’s the game!” Harry cut him off with a forced smile, trying to ease the atmosphere. “Your turn Louis!” he added.  
“Never have I ever cheated on a test!” no, he didn’t have a better idea.  
“Of course!” Zayn laughed. 

They all grabbed their cups and drank a bit of the mixture, even Harry drank off his can. Louis laughed a bit. 

“Never have I ever dyed my hair a crazy colour!” Harry asked, nothing better either.  
“Is grey a crazy colour?” Zayn asked.  
“Even if it wasn’t, green is, so drink!” Louis added.  
“And pink is as well, you definitely have to drink on this one!” Liam laughed. 

Harry was surprised, he liked that. That was probably the main reason why he had first talked to Carrie, she had curly light lilac blue hair and it was freaking beautiful with her dark red lipstick and her big dark brown eyes and thick eyebrows, she was always dressing herself in an 80s grunge fashion vibe. She was stunning. She would always stand out from the crowd and maybe Harry was only intrigued. She was different from the other girl. Most girls didn't really like Harry in his old school, no matter if they didn't even know his name. Zayn drank after sighing loudly. 

“Never have I ever taken a shower with someone else!” Gigi said raising an eyebrow and looking around. 

Everyone drank except Harry, his cheeks was tinted with a bit of pink at the question. He wasn’t really opened or anything on this kind of subject, some people would say he was prude. But he simply didn’t like to display his personal life, there wasn’t much to display on that subject really. Louis looked at him, he wasn’t surprised. Harry looked so innocent and pure and was hiding his body so much even though he knew well there wasn’t anything that deserved to be hidden. He could say by the way his black pants were showing the curves of his legs that he had muscular legs. And he assumed the rest of his body was also muscular. 

“Louis, truth or dare?” Zayn suddenly asked. 

Sophia frowned deeply. 

“What, Zayn, this is not...”  
“You made me change the game earlier, I have the right to change it right now!” he said with an eyebrow raised.

And strangely, they didn’t complain. It wasn’t much different anyway. Still getting to know each other in a funny way and reminding themselves the good old days. So they let him do so. Zayn was stubborn anyway, it took the girls almost 2 hours to make him change the game earlier and they didn’t want to upset him. The boys didn’t really mind even if Harry was pretty much of a chicken at this game, picking safety, that meant truth. He even lied sometimes because it was too personal. What a sin!

“Dare!” Louis said happily.  
“Kiss Harry!” he exclaimed before adding “on the lips, of course!”. 

Sophia laughed a bit at how Louis’ face turned pallid, like he was about to throw up. Harry wasn’t better but rather than turning white, his face had burnt up to a vibrant pink colour. Louis felt his stomach tight suddenly, his hands were hot and sweating a bit. He wanted to, in all honesty, he wanted to grab Harry’s face and kiss his so beautiful lips, but if it had to happened, he didn’t want it to happen like that, in front of his friends, among people and watched by them. No, it wasn’t the way he wanted it to happen. Maybe it would never happen anyway, maybe Harry would never want to kiss him, he wouldn’t be surprised. But if it had a chance to happen, then a dare was far from what he wanted. He shook his head. 

“I won’t do that!” he said loudly. 

Harry’s heart hurt a bit at his words. He shouldn’t be surprised. Why was he surprised? Louis wasn’t gay, he even got a girlfriend for a long time, he wasn’t gay and he knew it. But it was a dare. Lot of straight people kissed a same sex person for a dare, it was no big deal. Or maybe it was to Louis? Maybe he was one of those men who think kissing a boy was disgusting. No matter if it was their friend. Silently, in the back of his head, Harry wished he was not one of them. Maybe he was the problem, what if he looked so ugly or disgusting that Louis didn’t want to kiss him. It wouldn’t have been a real kiss anyway, just a simple quick peck on the lips. Louis’ voice was so cold and that offended Harry even more.

“Then you know what to do!” Zayn said. 

Louis rolled his eyes and sighed loudly as he drank the rest of his cup. Serving himself another glass of the mixture. 

“Liam, truth or dare?” Louis asked.  
“Dare!”  
“Call Zayn’s mum and tell her you both are a thing!” 

Sophia laughed while Zayn opened his mouth, complaining and trying to force Liam to put his phone down but he had already composed the number and the phone was against his ear. When he heard Trisha’s voice, he cleared his throat. 

“Hi, yeah, it’s Liam, I am sorry it’s late, I know, I needed to tell you something because I can’t wait anymore, Zayn won’t ever have the courage to tell you.” he felt bad for a second, when he heard her asking how was her son and if everything was alright but he spoke up again “Zayn and I, we’re kind of a thing now, it’s been a while, we’re in love and he was too scared to tell you but I am tired of hiding, goodnight!” he hang up before bursting into laughters. 

Zayn was looking at him with wide eyes before taking his phone out of his pocket. Louis leant on Harry. 

“Revenge is a dish best savoured cold!” he whispered to his ear.  
“There’s no need for revenge when you don’t actually agree on the dare!” Harry answered in a low voice.

Louis frowned, looking down to Harry, his teeth were clenched, he could see it by the way his jaw looked bigger and how visible his masseter muscle was under his skin. He shook his head before bringing his attention back on Liam and Zayn. The next dares were between Gigi, Zayn and Sophia. 

“Harry, truth or dare.”  
“Dare..” he said unsure, but he didn’t want to be a chicken. 

It was probably the first time since the accident he was going to a party and he didn’t want to be judged by people he barely knew.

“Sing a song all the way through the end.” she said with a smile. 

He felt his heart speed in his chest and a knot in his throat. He didn’t want to look ridiculous, he was used to sing in the shower only, like half people on the planet. But he didn’t want to be a chicken, not after what he had told Louis. He tried to find a song he knew, but there were none he could sing or remember the lyrics all the way through the end.

“I don’t know any song entirely.” he explained, secretly hoping she would drop the idea and change her mind.  
“Then goes for the one you know the most.”

Strangely, only one could appear in Harry’s mind, he needed to look confident, like he didn’t care what they would think about him. He was anxious, stressed, he breathed in before humming slowly the beginning, and he started slowly: 

_Won't you come see about me?_  
_I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby_  
_Tell me your troubles and doubts_  
_Giving me everything inside and out and_  
_Love's strange so real in the dark_

Sophia had wide eyes and Gigi looked pretty much as shocked as her. His voice was already really good just by talking but singing was fitting it so perfectly. Louis hoped he was dreaming, he deeply wished it wasn’t real, that Harry wasn’t singing just beside him, singing beautifully. He couldn’t stop starring at him, he used all his strength not to yell at him to kiss him, right now, right here. He wondered if Harry could get any better? Every time he thought he was one of the best person he had ever met, he would discover something that would make him think he was actually the best. His mouth was half-opened, helping him to breathe and Zayn was looking at him with a smile plastered on his lips. 

_Think of the tender things that we were working on_  
_Slow change may pull us apart_  
_When the light gets into your heart, baby_  
_Don't you forget about me_  
_Don't don't don't don't_  
_Don't you forget about me_

He sang for a little while before the lyrics became blur in his mind so he stopped slowly, biting on his lip and chewing gently, he felt like he was about to explode. He wanted them to talk, at least he didn’t hear any laugh, that was probably a good thing, they weren’t laughing at him. 

“Where did you learn to sing like that?!” Sophia asked, still shocked. 

He raised an eyebrow.

“Under the shower?” he joked. 

They played for several hours before Gigi and Liam were starting to fall asleep, none of them were really drunk. Louis was probably the most drunk of them all. Not too bad, he could still think pretty straight and walk without stumbling but his self promise about not being drunk around Harry was far from his mind now. So they decided to go to bed, it was about 4 and they laughed about how they couldn’t stay awake longer anymore, no more sleepless night like when they were 16. Zayn had given the three rooms. Gigi and him would take his co-worker’s room, for the only reason that Zayn was the only one he knew and trusted. Zayn’s sister’s room had been assigned to Liam and Sophia. Harry and Louis had to take the last room, Zayn’s. Louis led Harry to Zayn’s room. He led him to the bed slowly, and it was silent. They had forgotten their pyjamas and even though Louis offered Harry to take one of Zayn's, Harry refused, it would be inappropriate. So he simply laid down with his tight black jeans and his grey shirt. Louis striped down, kicking his jeans and sweatshirt on the floor, getting ride of his socks and he laid down in the bed, giggling softly. He came closer to Harry, wrapping his arm around his waist, his chest against his back. The younger boy froze at the sudden and unexpected touch. On one hand he wanted to push Louis away because he knew he was drunk and probably couldn't really realise what he was doing, but on the other hand, it felt so good, Louis’s hand on his stomach and his face in his hair. 

“If you promise me to sing to me in the shower, I’d happily help you fix your never have I ever taken a shower with someone else.” Louis sighed against his hair, driving away from reality to fall into some random dream.

Harry didn’t answer, he could feel a lump in his throar and his heart beating faster than ever in his chest. Soon after, he heard Louis’ regulate breath, proving he had fallen asleep. Harry tried to fall asleep, but he couldn’t stop dwelling on Louis’ arm around him, his chest against his back, his body so close to his and his words. He knew all of this was the consequence of him being drunk. But he wished it wasn’t, he wished Louis truly wanted to hold him in his arm just like that. And his chest was hurting, so bad. He didn’t want all of this, not like that. Every time he had imagined Louis cuddling with him, he imagined it would make him happy, the happiest ever, it was supposed to bring him so much happiness. But it wasn’t, because Louis was drunk and probably wouldn’t do it if he wasn’t. Harry grabbed Louis’ hand on his tummy and slowly lifted it as he sat up, he took the pillow and kneed on the floor before laying on the carpet slowly because he would rather having nothing than getting what he wanted because of alcohol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! How are you today? Are you enjoying Easter break ? I hope so!  
> So I am really early this time, it's not even 4 am but I had already checked the chapter and I thought, why not? Technically, it's Friday!  
> Do you guys watch SKAM? The new season had started and I am so happy it's Sana! If you do watch it, what do you think about the first clips?  
> So this fanfiction was supposed to have 30 chapters but I am writing the 24th chapter now and I have still a lot of ideas for the characters, so there will definitely have more than 30. I don't really know how many chapters fanfiction are supposed to have so I hope you don't mind I'll keep on writing?  
> So, I wanted a chapter with Louis' friends so, yes, I hope you don't mind it's not only Louis and Harry?  
> Do not hesitate on giving me your opinion, it's always a pleasure to read them :)  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-
> 
>  
> 
> _Oh, and the song Harry sings here is "Don't you (forget about me)" by Simple Minds._


	16. Chapter 16

# BURNING LIPS

_**July 31st** _

Harry hadn’t answered any phone call, any texts and his mum had refused to let Louis visit since the party. Suffice it to say Louis felt bad and more confused than he had ever been. He couldn’t reach to Harry and get any explanation on his behaviour. Louis had tried a lot, he had stopped counting the texts he had sent him or the voice messages he left. Anne simply said he felt sick, but he knew it wasn’t the truth, he knew it just by looking at the sorry expression painted on her face and her sad smile. It almost seemed like she was forced to say so. But as Louis was walking around in his room, he felt like becoming crazy. He wanted to see him before going on holidays with his family in two weeks. He wondered what happened, what did he do wrong that would push Harry to do such things. He was scratching his neck, staring at his phone, anxiety felt so painful in his chest, it felt like his torso was too small for his organs, they wanted to get out. He could feel his heart beat in his throat. He was burning and sweating, tears streaming down his face without realising it. His door was locked, he didn’t want anyone to see him like that. He needed Harry in his life, he had became a huge part of it and spending so many time without his voice, his face, anything was driving him crazy.   
It was 6pm when Louis saw Anne’s car leaving the house. It was probably a bad idea, it was probably stupid and ridiculous but he still ran downstairs, his eyes were puffy and red from all the tears he tried to retain. He felt so weak, so stupid and fragile. He ignored his family’s questions before he rushed outside, shutting the door in a loud sound. He crossed the street, hoping Gemma will let him in. What if she didn’t? What if she refused to let Louis see her brother? It wouldn’t be surprising. But he wanted to know, he needed answers to his questions. When he knocked at the door, his hands were trembling and his heart was beating so painfully in his chest, it was harder to stand straight, harder to breathe or to focus. The door opened on Gemma. He noticed when she rolled her eyes and sighed loudly. 

“Louis, listen...” she started before he cut her off. 

He needed to be heard. He needed her to listen to him, to what he thought and how he felt and why no one cared about what he wanted? Why no one wanted to let him see Harry? It was so wrong. He wanted to yell at her, to throw things at Harry’s window until he opens it or let him in. He wanted to see him, ask him why the hell he was acting like that.

“No, you listen, I just want to talk to him! I don’t know what I did wrong and it’s unfair to leave me like this without giving me any explanations! So, can you please let me in, I only need 5 minutes with him!” he begged, tears already coming back to his eyes. 

She looked down and seemed to think for a bit. He was silently praying to see her step aside and let him in. Gemma wasn’t sure, Louis seemed like a good person and she wanted to let him in, she really did, just opening the door and let him run to Harry’s room to let them clarify the situation they were in and that none of them even understood.

“5 minutes, that’s the only thing I need...” he tried again.  
“Fine...” she sighed, stepping aside to let him in. 

He thanked her before rushing upstairs. He stood in front of Harry’s door for a moment before opening the door and closing it behind him. He didn’t really know what he was supposed to say, he hadn’t planned anything but he wanted to fix this. All of this situation was wrong and for a moment, he wondered why it hurt him so much. Why breaking up with Tamara felt less painful than seeing Harry getting away from him. 

“Gemma, I told you I didn’t want to eat, please...” Harry said.

He was curled up in a foetal position under his cover. It wasn’t really a sunny day and it was pretty cold today, the sky was grey and full of dark clouds. Louis wanted to cry just by the way his voice sounded so deep and raspy. 

“Harry...” he started. 

Harry sat up violently on his bed, tugging on the covers to hide his bare chest. He felt his heart speed painfully in his chest, he could feel his throat tightening and he struggled breathing. Why did anyone let him in when he specified he didn’t want to talk to Louis? Why didn’t they listen to him? Why would they ever do that to him? 

“Go away...” Harry sighed. 

Louis frowned and shook his head walking up to the bed before sitting on it. 

“No! Not before you tell me why the hell you decided to act like that? I didn’t do anything wrong to you! And one day, you just decide to stop talking to me! It won’t work with me!” it sounded a bit too harsh to him but he didn’t mind.   
“Leave me alone...” 

Harry’s voice broke in a loud sob and Louis opened wide eyes. What happened? What did he do again? Why did everything he touched ended up broken? Harry sounded so hopeful and cheerful recently, why did it had to fall down so suddenly and without explanation? Louis was blaming himself for Harry’s tears, even though he didn’t know what he could have done wrong, he knew it was his fault, it was always his fault. 

“Harry… I don’t understand, please, tell me...” he begged. 

He tried to hold Harry’s hand but the young boy took it back violently, wiping the tears off his cheeks roughly and sniffing loudly. His brain and heart were fighting and it was confusing him. He didn’t know if he needed to listen to his brain and throw Louis out of his house, or listen to his heart which was screaming him to let Louis hold him, to let him lay down with him and cuddle for the rest of their life until their heart stopped beating at the same exact moment. 

“You don’t want to be my friend! You just want to be done with me, don’t worry about that, I told my mum to hire a teacher and she’s already looking for one!” 

Louis opened wide eyes, he could feel his chest getting heavier and anxiety started running down his veins and vessels as he stood up, trying to breath. What the hell was happening to him? To them? 

“What are you talking about? Of course I’m your friend! Harry I don’t understand a thing you’re saying! I thought you knew I was more than the guy who helped you! I am not only that Harry!”   
“Yes you are!” Harry shouted, his voice trembling as tears were streaming down his face. 

Louis felt lost, where was he? What was happening? Where was his Harry? The smiling and smart young boy that was trying to cheer him? Where was he gone and who was this person sitting on the bed and screaming things he couldn’t understand. 

“I am!”   
“Then why didn’t you kiss me?” Harry yelled even louder, words crossing his lips without controlling them.

He regretted them the moment he heard his own voice in the room. No. No, he hadn’t just said that. He didn’t. It couldn’t be possible. If he already thought about getting away from Louis, now he knew he wouldn’t have to, Louis would just find him gross and stop talking to him. Harry hid his soaked face in his palms, sobbing loudly as the tears dropped in his hands. He wanted to disappear, being invisible, he wished he never met Louis. All of this was so wrong, so painful. He didn’t want that, he never asked the boy to come into his life and change everything. Louis was speechless. At first he didn’t understand. What did it mean? Or, what was it supposed to mean? Louis kept silent as he walked slowly toward the bed and sat back on it. Harry flinched and turned his back on him, he didn’t want Louis to see him. He didn’t want to hear what was coming, he didn’t want to listen to him judging him. He didn’t need that. He wanted to stay alone until this feeling in his chest leave forever. Louis looked down to his hands, the lack of words in his brain was burning his scalp, it seemed like all of his body was sweating, the nervousness was making him shiver. He looked up slowly and put his hands on Harry’s arms, he didn’t move this time but the sobs were louder even if he tried to quiet them, pressing his hand against his mouth. Louis put his forehead against Harry’s back. He sighed slowly, his voice was trembling when he spoke up:

“I said no… I convinced myself to say no… for the only reason that… I didn’t want people to ruin this moment…” 

Louis felt Harry’s shoulders stoop under his hands. It was difficult for him, almost impossible to manage to say it out loud. To face himself and how he had felt those last days. To admit to himself that maybe, maybe he felt something much stronger for Harry. As the words rolled on his tongue, he had to listen to them, to understand them and accept them. Louis slid his arms around Harry’s chest. Holding him in his arms, his face against his back.

“I didn’t want to kiss you for a dare among people who could have stopped us… I didn’t want to rush it and wreck this moment. I wanted to have the chance to make it happen when I wanted to, when I felt ready enough…” 

The room was plunged in a heavy silence, He put his hands on Harry’s bent knee and turned him so he could face him. He grabbed Harry’s wrists slowly and took his hands away from his face, revealing his red skin, drowned in tears. He slid his fingers under Harry’s chin. They both could feel their heart beat faster and faster in their chest, so hard that they felt like it was about to explode in thousand of pieces. It wasn’t sadness anymore, it was fear. Fear to be rejected and pushed away and laughed at. Louis cupped the younger boy’s face in his palms. 

“Do you understand?” he asked softly. 

He was so close, so close to him and his breath was brushing his face softly and Harry was happy it didn’t smell cigarette this time, it was just a perfect mix between strawberry and fresh mint tickling his nostrils. Harry nodded and he lifted his head a bit and opened his eyes. He wished he could see Louis right now, read the expression on his face, did he look happy or sad? But Louis’ jaw dropped. Harry’s eyes. Harry’s beautiful, breathtaking green eyes were just there in front of him, they were in the light and he could see them perfectly. He could feel his chest tightening, it was worth the wait. 

“Your eyes are too beautiful to drown them in tears...” he whispered before wiping Harry’s red cheeks with his thumbs. 

Harry’s hot cheeks burnt even more under his palms and he smiled when he saw Harry’s lips stretched a bit, shyly. Louis came closer and wrapped his arms around the younger boy, bringing him into a hug. Harry did the same, fitting his face into the crook of his neck. Louis smelled good, so good that he wished he could stay there for the rest of his life. It felt like home. Like this was exactly where he belonged. 

“I don’t want you to cry, Harry...” he whispered in his ear.

Louis’ breath tickled his neck a bit and Harry giggled a little making Louis smiled. It was warming his heart, he tightened his grip around the younger boy, and it took him a while before he realised Harry’s bare skin under his hands, he smiled and let his face fall on his shoulder. They stayed like that for a while until the door open in a loud noise. 

“Louis, you said...” 

Gemma stopped on the doorway, still holding the handle in her hand. Louis jumped away from Harry, his cheeks were burning and he had probably turned into what seemed like a tomato. He looked down, trying to avoid her eyes. 

“Sorry, I am leaving!” she said, chuckling as she closed the door behind her. 

Louis was still embarrassed when he heard Harry laugh. He looked up and the young boy was holding on his stomach, laughing loudly at the top of his lungs. And he slowly joined him, chuckles crossing his lips. Harry laid down on the bed, showing off his bare chest as he rubbed his face. Louis’ eyes slid down his skin, it was slightly tanned and he could see his abs showing as he was laughing. Louis stopped laughing, suddenly staring at the boy without being able to bring himself to take his eyes off him. He had assumed he was muscular and seeing it only proved what he thought was true but it seemed to hypnotise him. He was mesmerised. Louis had seen Tamara naked several time, she was pretty, of course, everyone found her pretty. But he had never found her as pretty as Harry was right now. He clenched his fists to retain the need to let his hands run over Harry’s chest. If his skin was paler, he would probably look like one of those Greek sculpture Louis had seen at the British Museum. Everyone had their own definition and idea of perfection and if Louis’ idea of perfection needed a visual explanation, it would probably be Harry. When his phone buzzed in his pocket, he managed to look away and focus on the call he was getting from his mum. 

“Hello?” he started.   
“Louis, did you forget we’re going to the concert tonight? We’re already late, you need to babysit the girls and the twins, where are you?”

Louis cursed silently to himself. He didn’t want to leave Harry, he wanted to stay with him, look at him and listen to him was all he cared about at the moment. 

“I’ll be there in a minute, mum!” he said before she hung up. 

He stood up, rubbing the back of his neck. Harry had stopped laughing and had sat up, biting on his bottom lip. 

“I have to babysit my siblings tonight...” he started.   
“Oh, okay...” Harry nodded. 

None of them wanted to leave the other. They wanted to stay together. Spend the evening talking about nothing and laughing together without any good reason. 

“Do you want to sleep to my house, you could help me with them maybe?” Louis offered. 

At the minutes the words crossed his lips, Harry smiled widely nodding and stood up. Louis waited near the doorway, looking at the young boy as he was carefully stuffing some things in a backpack. He put on a shirt before Louis opened the door for both of them, he held on the boy’s elbow as usual and they went downstairs. Before they left, Harry explained to Gemma he would spend the night at Louis’ house. Johannah didn’t hesitate before agreeing on letting Harry sleep over, she didn’t really have any time to talk really. Dan and her were waiting in the kitchen with the two older girls, impatient. So when they arrived, they only hugged each other goodbye before leaving the house. 

It was almost 11pm when Louis joined Harry in the bedroom, he was lying down in bed, under the covers and was snuggling the rabbit soft toy he always left in the bed. Louis liked that, and even though he would probably never say it to his friends, he would probably keep doing so. It was his childish side, he liked cuddling this long ear fluffy bunny to sleep. It strangely managed to calm him when he felt anxiety was murdering him. He had a lot of them, but they were hidden in the wardrobe. Lottie liked making fun of him about that, so he ended up only keeping one. He stopped in the doorway to observe Harry. The scene was adorable. 

“I can feel your eyes on me...” Harry mumbled into the bunny. 

Louis smiled after he closed the door silently and walked to the bed and sitting on the other side. 

“Sorry… The girls are finally in bed, but they might fight again so I might go stop them at some point...” Louis sighed. 

It happened a lot, when they had to go to bed, for an odd reason, Phoebe and Daisy could start fighting over nothing and it wouldn’t stop until they’re in their room. But it wasn’t rare that they started fighting again in the middle of the night. Louis just wished they wouldn’t wake up the twins or he might get angry. Harry turned on his bed before he sat up, still holding the bunny in his arms tightly. 

“Do you like looking after them? Or you wished you didn’t have to?” he asked softly.   
“I love it, my mum and Dan trust me and I allow them to relax a bit without worrying about the babysitter not taking care of them!” he shrugged with a smile. 

Harry was holding the soft toy like a baby was in his arm, it was a bit too cute for Louis, he wanted to hold Harry against him but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to. So he simply looked down to his hands, playing with the sewing of the covers. It was silent for a long time, around 10 minutes, but the awkward silence was broken. It wasn’t broken by Harry or Louis but by Phoebe’s voice yelling across the hallway. Louis sighed loudly before standing up, he stopped for a second looking at Harry. And suddenly he heard cries, the twins were awake. 

“Oh, come on!” Louis whisper-yelled. 

Harry stood up and stretched his arm, Louis looked at him, raising an eyebrow. 

“I can pull on a pretty strict face!” he said with a smile. 

The older boy smiled before letting him hold on his arm as they exited the bedroom and crossed the hallway to open Daisy’s bedroom door. Louis stood there with furrowed eyebrows, a hand on his hip. 

“What is going on here? You just woke up Ernest and Doris! Phoebe, go to your room now and don’t leave it until tomorrow, and no, it doesn’t mean at midnight! Now sleep, both of you! And I hope for you, I don’t hear any more yelling! Is that clear?” 

The twins sighed loudly before Phoebe left the room and Daisy went into her bed and crossed her arms over her chest, obviously annoyed. It felt good to Louis, being the strict brother. He usually liked being the cool and nice brother who was used as the taxi driver to take them everywhere they wanted, he like giving them random presents and helping them with their homework sometimes he even ended up making them entirely. So he felt kind of proud, he retained a smile to keep on a cold expression before closing the door. 

“Do you want to go back to bed, I need to go see the youngest now!” 

Harry shook his head violently, making his curls fly all around his face. They walked to the last door and opened it, the cries became louder and Louis led Harry to one of the rocking chair and told him to sit here. 

“Since you wanted to come, you’re going to help!” 

He went to pick Doris from her bed and he made her sit on Harry’s lap, he was surprised at first but she snuggled on his chest, sucking on her thumb and Harry started rocking slowly back and forth to cradle the little girl softly. Louis took Ernest on the other rocking chair and he did the same. Harry was rubbing her back gently and she was holding on his T-shirt with her little fingers. Louis couldn’t take his eyes of them, nor the smile stuck on his face. His chest was being filled with a strange sensation of warmth as he observed them silently. But the silence and sobs of the baby were soon broken with Harry’s voice as he started singing with a low voice: 

_Come stop your crying_   
_It will be alright_   
_Just take my hand_   
_Hold it tight_

_I will protect you_   
_From all around you_   
_I will be here_   
_Don't you cry_

_For one so small,_   
_You seem so strong_   
_My arms will hold you,_   
_Keep you safe and warm_   
_This bond between us_   
_Can't be broken_   
_I will be here_   
_Don't you cry_

Louis was struggling to swallow, Ernest had turned his head toward Harry and they both had stopped crying, they were simply listening attentively. Harry sang those little words slowly and barely louder than a whisper. He was singing so perfectly, Louis could feel the goosebumps on his arms. He couldn’t take his eyes off him, his lips were barely moving as the sound was crossing his mouth. The older man wondered how he knew this song, he could remember Johannah was singing him a lullaby when he was a child but he couldn’t remember the lyrics honestly. After some minutes, he leaned over slowly, Ernest’s eyes were closed and he was breathing calmly, he took a look at Doris and she looked asleep. He stood up slowly, Harry was still singing and rocking back and forth. He laid his little brother in his bed and went to do the same with Doris. He stood up in between the bed for a second, making sure they were asleep. Harry had stood up, he led him in the hallway before closing the door. The young boy was scratching the back of his neck nervously. 

“I am going to hire you as an official lullaby singer!” Louis said as he led the boy to his bed, making him smile. “I’ll be right back!” he exclaimed before walking away. 

Louis was nervous, he ran silently to the kitchen. He opened all the cupboards before finding what he needed. He poured some milk in a saucepan and waited for it to be hot. He put some cocoa powder on two big cups before pouring the hot milk in it. He added a spoon and stirred the mix a bit before turning off the induction plate and going back upstairs. He placed one cup on the desk so he could close the door, he grabbed it back and put one on the bed table before taking Harry’s hand in his and sliding the cup against it softly. 

“Be careful, it’s hot...” he informed softly before taking his own cup and sitting in front of the young boy. “I know it’s not as good as your mum’s one, but I hope you’ll like it...” 

He took a sip and Harry didn’t say a word, his head down toward the cup, the heat escaping the hot chocolate was probably making his face warmer. He blew the liquid a bit, trying to cool it down. 

“Thanks...” Harry said after a minute of silence. 

He took a sip of the hot chocolate under Louis’ eyes. 

“Where did you learn that lullaby you sang to the twins earlier?

Harry lifted his head up a bit and felt his cheeks burn. 

“Hum… I used to babysit several children in my old town… And I didn’t know any lullaby but I knew lot of Disney Movies’ songs, so I just chose one from Tarzan and sang it, and it worked pretty well...”

Louis raised an eyebrow. There were a lot of things he didn’t know about Harry, and he liked it when he got to know more. He wanted to know everything, every single little thing Harry was hiding, the best and the worst. He could lay next to him and listen to him sing or talk forever, it sounded like the best life he could dream of. He blushed at the thought. 

“It worked with them apparently...” 

Harry smiled proudly, taking another sip from his cup. He licked some drop of chocolate off the corner of his lips. Louis looked away, his cheek burning painfully. He wanted to lean on and kiss him so badly. He wondered how his lips would feel under his, they looked so pink and plump. 

“I wish I could see you...” Harry whispered. 

Louis felt his heart speed in his chest. He thought for a second before he took Harry’s cup away from his hands and put both cups on the bedside table. He them grabbed his hands and led them to his face slowly. Harry could feel his heart skip a bit and make his ribs shudder at every beat. He was trying to breath but it didn’t help when his fingers touched Louis’ face. He wanted to do this for so long. He had wondered how it would feel and what he looked like for such a long time that he didn’t move his hands and Louis had to lead them on his face. He closed his eyes as he make the younger boy’s hands slid over his forehead, brushing his fringe a bit. He let them fall on his eyebrows and over his eyelids and he could now feel Harry move his fingers by himself so he dropped his hands on his laps. Harry was pinching his lips, focusing on the soft and almost cold skin under his fingertips. He could feel some spots or moles, he wouldn’t know, his nose seemed small and adorable and that made him smile a bit. He ran his hands on his cheeks and he smiled even more when he felt a fresh bread covering them. When he slid his fingers over Louis’ lips, their face turned in a light colour of pink, he didn’t stop there a long time before he slid his hand in his neck and stop in the back of it, tying his fingers there. Louis couldn’t calm his heartbeat as he leaned on slowly toward the young curly haired boy. He stopped an inch away from his face. Both of their breaths were mixing softly and their heart were going crazy hidden in their rib cage. Harry’s hands were trembling in Louis’ neck. Louis slid his hands on the young boy’s waist, holding on it gently. 

“Can I kiss you?” he murmured slowly. 

Harry gulped and nodded, he couldn’t talk, no words would cross his lips. He was nervous but impatient, he wanted to feel the older boy’s lips against his. He wanted to grab Louis’ hair and hold on it like his life depended on it. He wanted to feel his skin under his, their heart beat one against the other. When Louis crossed the last inch that separated them, his lips crashed against Harry’s lips with impatience. Their stomach were filled with butterflies as fire started burning their veins and heart violently. It felt like nothing they had lived before, it was surprising, crazy even how they lips fitted together like they were meant to be. Louis couldn’t believe what was happening. He was kissing Harry, a boy. If Phoebe or Daisy opened the door right now, what would he say? How could he explain? He didn’t know and Harry’s lips moving so perfectly against his made him forget the idea quickly. He slid his hands in his back, coming closer and kneeling on the bed. He was taller now and Harry had to lift his head a bit not to break the kiss. His fingers ran through Louis’ soft hair. It felt so right, so perfect and none of them wanted to pull away when they were out of breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, how's your friday going? How was Easter? Good, I hope!  
> Did you watch Harry on SNL last saturday? He was amazing, right? Incredible!  
> What do you think about Ever Since New York? I personally love it!  
> Annnnd, what is your opinion on this new chapter? Soooo, it happened!  
> I hope you don't think it was too fast? As I may have said before, the whole story is already planned in my brain so it was supposed to happen now, I thought it was the right moment!   
> But, as always, don't hesitate on giving me your opinion, it's a pleasure to read what you think so I can improve !  
> Thank you for reading! :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	17. Chapter 17

# HOME AND BONES 

_**July 31st** _

When Louis took his shirt off and laid down next to Harry in his bed, he felt guilty to think Harry’s blindness was a good thing. He didn’t have to care about Harry finding him too fat or too pale, to tattooed or anything else. He didn’t have to worry about being judged and criticised like Tamara used to do. So he just laid down behind Harry and slowly wrapped his arm around his bare chest. His bare skin against Harry’s felt almost too perfect and he came closer, holding on the boy tightly. The young boy chuckled a bit and wrapped his fingers around Louis’ hand gently. Louis’ chest seemed so cold against his, it seemed almost unrealistic. Harry turned around slowly, his nose meeting Louis’ and the latter moved away a bit to observe the young boy’s face. He looked so pretty, like an angel. He wondered how he had managed to find Harry when everything was falling apart in his life. When everything around him seemed to get broken. Why at the moment where he had started questioning life. That seemed almost scary the way the curly haired boy’s smile could make him forget all the pain, like his dimples were the only ointment that could calm the horrendous pain of his burns, like it was the stitches to his bleeding cuts, the cold wet towel on his forehead to make his headache leave, the hot honey milk for his sore throat. When Harry smiled, it was almost like the world around him was changing, suddenly Louis’ black and white world was so flamboyant and colourful. He felt almost pressured. Harry was so beautiful, fit, his voice was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, his skin was so soft and his kisses were setting ablaze to Louis’ chest. He was so smart and comforting, so mature for his age and that made Louis feel less confident, his muscles tensed under the young boy’s finger, making him frowned. He felt like he wasn’t good enough. And he didn’t know if he would ever feel good enough for someone. Each time he would look at his reflection, he wasn’t able to keep his eyes on the curves of his hips, his almost feminine frame wasn’t the one he wanted. He wished he looked more like Harry. But he was pretty much the contrary. Even though he was older, he was still smaller, while Harry was tanned and fit, he was so pale and felt so fat. But he was the opposite of fat, no fat could be seen under his skin, only bones and flesh. He would get bruised so easily and on his elbows and knees, his skin was a bit purple. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough. 

“Are you okay, Louis?” he asked in a low voice.  
“Hold me and never let go...” 

It sounded more like a question, but Harry didn’t took a minute before opening his arms for Louis to sneak in his embrace. Louis felt so fragile, just there in between his arms as Harry was rocking him back and forth slowly. And suddenly, he could feel it, Harry’s heart against his. Beating quickly under his own heart. It was… indefinable. It was almost hard to focus on his own heart beating. They were mixing, dancing together and not long after they seemed to beat at the same time, on the same rhythm. Louis smiled at that. He didn’t want to move away, he didn’t want to put his arms off Harry. He wanted to kiss him, hold him, listen to him, talk to him for the rest of his life. How could Louis feel so dependant after only one kiss? Louis turned his head a bit and kissed Harry’s neck softly. Harry smiled and stroked his hair softly. He ran his other hand over Louis’ bony back, his teeth clenched as his fingertips were sliding on his ribs and spine, feeling his bones just under the skin. 

“Can I stay here forever?” Louis whispered in his ear. 

Harry nodded. Of course he could. He wanted Louis to stay there as well. He wanted their skin stuck together and feel his heart beat against his own. Because it felt so special, so unique. It was something he had never experienced before, feeling his chest burn and get tighter with happiness. With this feeling of being the one he wanted to be. Yes he still needed to learn a lot of things to live the way he wanted to, but having Louis lying in his arms made it sound so much possible. He felt like he could be the next man to walk on the moon. It seemed like he could become whatever he wanted and there would be no problem at all. So he tightened his arm around Louis’ back, his fingers grabbing on his tiny waist. When Louis pulled away to lean against the bed head, Harry, who didn’t want to stop the feeling of his skin burning against Louis’ freezing chest, rolled on his size and slid his cheek against Louis’ stomach. He wrapped his arms around Louis’ hips and for a second the latter froze, his heart almost stopped beating in his chest before he ran his hand into the bunch of curls, brushing them gently. His hair was so shiny and soft, he could brush them for hours without being tired of it. 

“Close your eyes...” it sounded almost like a demand, making Louis raised an eyebrow.  
“Why?”  
“Sometimes, Niall and I would play this game, we traced a word with our fingers on each other’s back and the other have to guess just by the feeling.” 

Louis frowned before closing his eyes and telling Harry he did so. He felt a bit nervous when Harry’s fingertips started tracing things gently over his chest, on his pectoral. His body was slowly being covered in goosebumps and it took his focus away from what was being written on his skin so when Harry stopped, he asked him to do it again. And maybe it wasn’t just for the word, maybe it was for the way he felt under Harry’s touch. The way his skin seemed to be on fire as his finger was running really slowly on his skin. He wanted him to keep going, he wanted to feel this strange sickness in his stomach that he couldn’t really explain yet. He wanted to feel his heart so tight and fast in his chest even if it was a bit painful. He wanted to feel his skin covered with goosebumps and his hair standing up in the back of his neck. Harry was giving his body all of that. 

“Home.” Louis said simply as he looked down to Harry’s large hand over his skin, his fingers on his tattoo. 

He wondered what would Harry think of his tattoos. Would he like them? It was probably a good thing that he wasn’t able to see them. In a way, Louis felt like Harry’s eyesight loss was making him feel more confident. If Harry could see him, he would probably never want to be with him, he would notice how disgusting he was, how ugly and how his body was too chubby. Harry would probably never have set his eyes on him if he had notice what he looked like. Harry seemed to be what Louis had always wanted to look like. It was crazy, crazy how beautiful and breathtaking he was. Even when he simply laid down there, stroking Louis’ chest softly. His curls was adding to his innocence. It seemed like Harry was the purest person Louis had ever seen, his innocence was so beautiful.

“Yes!” Harry whispered with a smile. 

Louis grabbed Harry’s long fingers lying across his chest and the younger boy flinched a bit at the sudden touch. Louis’ hand was always so cold and his own were fire, the contrast against his own skin was almost uncomfortable. Louis led Harry’s fingers to his lips and kiss them gently. 

“You’re so beautiful… How can you be so beautiful?” he asked with the lowest voice possible. 

Harry’s cheeks took a soft pinkish colour as he hid his face in Louis’ bare chest. He breathed in, he smelled good, incredibly good. He could keep his nose against his chest and smell his skin for days. He would never get tired of it. 

“Stop...” Harry murmured.  
“I can’t. I can’t stop looking at you.” Louis whispered, sliding his fingers under the younger boy’s chin and lifting his head a bit. “I can’t stop looking at those curls that give you an angelic innocent look and make me want to bury my hands in them!” Louis ran a hand through the boy’s hair softly, “I can’t stop looking at those eyes you always want to hide from me, meanie!” Louis poked Harry’s nose gently, “and this nose I want to share Eskimo kisses with! How do you expect me to stop looking at your lips, Harry? I’ve never wanted to kiss someone as much as I want to kiss you, I’ve never wanted to hold someone like I want to hold you. It feels so new to me, so odd and good at the same time. Do you want me to stop looking at your body? I can’t, it seemed like you’ve been sculpted by Myron himself! Being as beautiful as you are should be forbidden, you’re breathtaking…”

Harry’s hand was still close to Louis’ lips and he escaped Louis’ hand to press his finger against his lips, calling for silence. Louis couldn’t help it and opened his mouth biting on Harry forefinger, the latter squealed taking his hand back. The older boy chuckled a bit, pecking Harry’s forehead. 

“Don’t shush me!” he simply said. 

Harry blushed and turned around in the bed, crossing his arms over his chest. Louis bit down on his lip, stopping himself from laughing. He laid down slowly and as he wrapped an arm around Harry’s chest and came closer, he kissed his back gently. His skin was burning his lips, it looked so tanned and he loved it so much. Louis wondered what he had done to be so lucky right now. But he was scared, he was terrified. What if everything was gone tomorrow? What if everything he needed, everything Harry was giving him would evaporate? The feeling inside his chest was the best feeling he had felt in so long. He didn’t want to let it go, never, he couldn’t. Louis stroked Harry’s stomach slowly with his fingertips and he heard him chuckle under his hands. 

***

“I am back!” Louis said as he entered the house, closing the door silently behind him. 

Harry was sitting on the couch, one earphone plugged into his ear and he had changed from his pair of sweatpants to a pair of black skinny jeans and a white Rolling Stone t-shirt. His eyes were closed and he was tapping his fingers against his thigh, probably at the pace of the song. Ernest was sitting on his laps, his head against his chest and the other earphone on his ear. The little blond boy was humming the song softly with a smile. Doris jumped off the couch and ran to Louis with a smile. Louis kicked his shoes away in the hallway and lifted his little sister, carrying her to the sofa and sitting on it. He wrapped his hand around Harry’s thin ankle. The younger boy took the earphones off his ears and smiled softly as he opened his eyes on the same dark empty scenery. 

“Everything went fine?” he asked looking at the curly-headed boy.  
“They’ve been adorable!” 

He smiled, proud of his younger sibling for being nice to Harry. He had to drop Daisy and Phoebe to their friend’s house and Harry agreed on taking care of the twins for 15 minutes, even if he was terrified. But he felt relieved, they were so calm and kind. 

“Would you want to go for a walk?” he asked slowly with a smile. 

The twins jumped on the floor and were shouting some positive answers and Harry simply nodded. They got ready pretty quickly before they left the house. Harry had, of course, put on his pair of sunglasses. The weather was warm and the sky was coloured with the most beautiful light blue, there were not any clouds and the sun was bright and high. It was 2pm and even though it was a pretty hot day, there were barely anyone in the streets. Louis was holding Doris’ hand as Harry was holding on his elbow with one hand and the other was wrapped around Ernest’s hand. They walked for a while, Harry liked the slight burn of the sun on his cheeks. It was pleasant. Now and then, the breeze would come and brush his face and bare arms. He liked the feeling, it was almost like a caress. It reminded him how he loved spending hours under the sun, not to tan, simply running, working out or taking a swim in a lake with Niall and Gemma. In the past, they used to always be together, they were stuck together, Gemma wasn’t always around, but sometimes she was harry liked that. He liked how close to his sister he had been and he wished everything could be the same. He wished Niall would come and sleep over and they would play board games and Niall would get angry when he would lose, because he was the worst loser Harry had ever met and it was always funny to see Niall rambling about how Harry had probably cheated.  
When they entered the park, the twins started running toward the playground, there were some children playing around already, screaming on the tall slide, grabbing onto each other on the roundabout, trying to climb the small climbing walls or laughing on the see-saw. And strangely the swing was empty. It was Louis’ favourite toy when he was a child, he was almost forcing his mother to push him for hours, he could have stayed on it for days. Doris was trying to climb on one of the seat, and even though Ernest was doing his best to help her, they were still both too small. Louis and Harry walked up to them and Louis helped them on the seats. He pushed them both while looking at Harry who had found a seat and was swinging himself in the air with a soft smile over his lips. It was adorable from where Louis was standing and surrounded by children laugh. Harry looked even more innocent, and the older boy wondered how it was even possible. Doris and Ernest got tired of the swing quite fast and they ran and jumped on the roundabout. Harry and Louis sat down on a bench as Louis kept an eye on them. 

“My parents and sisters should be back in two or three hours.” Louis exclaimed softly, looking up to Harry who simply nodded with a smile. 

Louis didn’t want Harry to leave. He was making him so much happier. He was pushing away all the pain, he was his cure and he didn’t want to find back the pain and the aching thoughts that would cut his heart and brain over and over again. He was and felt like a better person when Harry was around him. Even though sometimes he would look at him and feel like he wasn’t enough, Harry knew how to hold him, and his arms were calming the pain and doubts. It was almost crazy.

“Louis?” 

Louis opened wide eyes and jumped on his feet as he turned around to face Tamara. She was standing here, all alone. Well not exactly, he could see two of her best friends some metres away on the pathway, waiting and chatting silently. Harry had turned around, straddling the bench. 

“Tamara..” Louis simply said, with a shy smile. 

He didn’t know how he was supposed to act, even though he had promised her he would always be around if she needed him, it was still embarrassing to walk into his ex like that. He felt a knot on his stomach as he tried to breathe in, trying to gain some courage. He saw he sliding her eyes down his body slowly and he suddenly felt incredibly self conscious, he retained himself from wrapping his arms around his stomach to hide it from her. He looked down to his own body, clenching his teeth before looking up to her. 

“How are you doing?” he asked.  
“Pretty good, what about you?” she asked back, biting the inside of her cheek and sliding a strand of her hair behind her ear.  
“Good..” 

The look she was sending him made him want to disappear, it was a murdering look, but it looked more pitiful. The kind of glance you never want to receive in your life. It made him feel so small and fragile. 

“You gained a bit of weight...” she said with a sad smile.

Louis opened his mouth, reading to answer something but there was nothing to answer. He had probably did. He had probably gained some weight if she was noticing something. He hated how his stomach felt suddenly so heavy and full even though he had only drank a cup of tea when he woke up and some rice cake. It was almost empty but it felt so full, ready to explode, it was hurting. He hated this feeling, the feeling he wasn’t enough, never. 

“Oh, maybe you want to go back to how chubby you were when I met you?” 

Even though her voice sounded calm, the words were crashing violently in the older boy’s brain, destroying everything. He hadn’t never felt conscious about his physic before Tamara started pointing out all of his supposedly flaws. He had never seen anything wrong with being a curvy boy, actually, he used to love how feminine he looked, how round his bum was and how his hips was larger than his waist. His mother used to say he was shaped like an hourglass and he loved it. He liked to show it. He felt unique in a way, his legs and bottom was muscular and round and his skinny jeans were always showing the curves of his body and he liked that. But when Tamara started to point out how odd it was for a boy to look like him, he started feeling self-conscious, until it turned into a ravaging hate toward his own body. 

“You must want to look girly again, you’re tired of trying to be a man..” he said again. 

Louis looked down and closed his eyes, he didn’t want to cry, not in front of her, not now, surrounded by many people. It wouldn’t happen. Harry stood up silently and discretely slid his hand in Louis’ back. He rubbed it gently, trying to give him to courage and strength. 

“I think you should leave.” his voice was cold, emotionless.  
“Who are you? Oh! You must be the poor blind boy he is supposed to help? That’s kind of sad you can’t see what I see, you wouldn’t stand so close to him if you knew.” 

Harry frowned and shook his head, shocked by how mean she was while using such a calm voice and kind ton. It was so wrong. 

“I don’t need my eyes to know he’s beautiful. And I don’t need them either to notice how ugly and dirty your soul is. Now leave, none of us nor those children need to hear you use your mouth full of rubbish.” 

Her mouth was opened and she flipped her hair in the hair before turning around and walking up to her friends, they frowned and Louis assumed they asked her what happened. For a second he wondered who was this person, but he knew, he knew he probably deserved it after breaking up with her. And she was probably right on every point she made, Harry simply hadn’t realise it yet. But when he would, he would probably run away from Louis and never come back to him, he would leave him. He sighed and rubbed his face. He wanted to hide himself somewhere no one would ever find him. He turned around and escaped from Harry’s hand before picking up Doris and Ernest from the roundabout. He needed to go back to his house, he needed to hide under his blanket and stay hidden for ages until his body turned into what he wanted it to look like. When they arrived in the street, Louis noticed his step father’s car was parked in the driveway, he turned toward Harry. 

“My parents are home already, I’ll help you go to your house.” 

Harry wanted to say something, he didn’t need to go home this early, he could stay a little longer. But Louis’s hand around his arm pressed him to walk and he knew it was useless to even try. He wanted to stay with him, spend most of the time with him and help him. It wasn’t hard to guess what Tamara had said had affected Louis, he was silent and the silence was heavy on Harry’s chest. He didn’t dare say anything when he opened the front door and came in his own house. Louis didn’t kiss him, he didn’t hug him, he simply said a barely audible “bye” and left Harry standing alone in the hallway until his mother noticed his presence. 

When Louis entered his own house with the twins, he forced a smile on his lips, his cheeks was hurting from trying to hard and he felt Félicité’s eyes on him. He took a quick look at her, her eyebrow was raised and a worried look was painted on her face. They told him how the whole concert went and after a while, Louis simply ran upstairs. He got undressed and walked under the cold water. The hot tears streaming down his face gave him even more goosebumps. All of his body muscles were contracted all at once and it hurt. He was shuddering. His whole body was a trembling mess. But he didn’t turn the hot water on, he kept the ice running down his skin. He knew deep down all of this was a problem. It seemed like the only way he could forgive himself from taking a bite of the rice cake he didn’t need. It was the only thing that could take a bit of the hate away. But he kept doing it, because he felt lost, he didn’t have any other way to run away. If he didn’t have those cold shower, who know what he could do to himself, and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to lose the little bit of control he had left. He sat down under the water, his knees pressed to his chest and his arms wrapped around them. He let the tears roll down his cold skin. He didn’t try to stop them, he wanted the pain to go and maybe if he cried enough it would leave with the tears. Honestly, even if he wanted to stop them, he couldn’t. He listened to the water crashing on the floor loudly, he kept silent, the sobs couldn’t be heard among the water.  
He stayed under the cold water for about 15 minutes before he allowed himself to leave the shower. He wrap a dark blue towel around his hips and entered his bedroom. Once he had done dried, he put on a pair of black boxers, lifted the covers and curled himself under them. The sheets was a bit cold but it got quickly warmer. He breathed in and the smell of Harry’s skin tickled his nostrils, he felt the hot water rolling down his face to die on the pillow and he pressed it against his chest. He knew pushing the boy away wasn’t what he was supposed to do. But he felt so bad… Was it a good reason? Probably not. He wanted to be alone, he didn’t want to fell for him, he felt already so many powerful things for the boy, he didn’t want it to go any further. Harry would probably end up breaking his heart if he ever found out what Louis looked like. He would find himself broken and crying and this time he wouldn’t be able to stand back up on his feet and fight to live, it would be too hard, too much and painful. And what would everyone think of all of this anyway? What would his mother say or think if she ever discovered he liked a boy? He kissed a boy? It was wrong. He wasn’t gay, he was straight. He couldn’t just fell for some boy he had met some weeks ago. He wasn’t allowed to. It was wrong, maybe his sisters would hate him and his family would judge him. And what about Zayn and Liam? What would they think? They would probably think he was some freak and they would think back to all the sleepovers. And nothing would ever be the same, maybe they would even stop being his friends. He couldn’t go through all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, how are you doing today?  
> I am really sorry I am late this week, in all honestly, my mental and physical health aren't the best this week and it kind of took my mind away from which day it was. I am really sorry!  
> How was your first week after the easter break? Good, I hope!  
> I also hope you liked this chapter, and as always, I'd be happy if you gave me your opinion!  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	18. Chapter 18

# DO NOT DROWN

**_August 3rd_ **

Louis had turned off his phone for a couple of days, he was tired of listening to his phone ringing over and over again. His heart would get tighter and painful under his ribs each time he would read Harry’s name on the screen. Guilt was running down his veins, he was a bad person, in every sense of the word. He knew it. He hadn’t taken a shower for two days, he hadn’t really left his room either. His family was worried, every two hours or so he would hear some knocks on the door. _“Are you okay?” “Are your hungry?” “Harry called again.” “Zayn wonders why he hadn’t heard of you.” “Don’t you wanna talk?” “What happened?”_. He would barely answer them, demanding for them to leave him alone. Louis needed to be alone, or at least that’s what the aching feeling at the bottom of his stomach was screaming to him. He needed space. He needed silence so he could only listen to the darkest thoughts flying around in the room, so loud it seemed like they would make him deaf. He slept, a lot, he spent most of the time sleeping. It was the only way he could stay away from the pain and the guilt. All of those unknown voices yelling at him, pointing out every singles flaws. He was made of flaws. He wanted to silence them forever, he wanted silence and calm to surround him rather than the screams of reproach and insults. It was exhausting. He was lying down on a really comfortable bed under a protective roof, he was surrounded by a loving family and he had amazing friends, but he was exhausted of life. He hated himself for that. He hated how terrible he felt, how much pain was amassed in his body and how he couldn’t change how he felt. He tried, he tried so many times to convince himself to be happy, to live life to the fullest. Everything was in place to make his life beautiful. He was loved by many people and was lucky enough to live in a house, needless to say it was a big comfortable beautiful house so many people wished they could live in. He had his own car, he was able to work or go to school, he had food in the fridge and a roof over his head, protecting him from the rain and snow and the cold of the night. His family was happy together. And even though everyone would gladly take his life and live a life full of privilege, Louis couldn’t bring himself to enjoy. He didn’t really know where all of this were coming from, why he wasn’t able to enjoy all the things he was lucky enough to have in a society full of burdens and obstacles. In a world where some people were struggling to find food and clear water, struggling to keep on living through wars and wounds, giving all their strength to annihilate the disease that was killing them. He was born in a privileged world, but he was drowning. He was supposed to be happy, but he was dying. He was tired. Tired of breathing and living, tired of being always tired. But most of all, he was tired of himself, the person he was. He didn’t want to see this body every morning, he didn’t want to wake up and face his reflection, his life. He knew how beautiful his life was, but his brain was making everything so much darker. There weren’t any more blue sky over his head, he couldn’t hear the birds sing. His sky was grey, dark and scary, ready for a violent destructive storm to drag him down and give up on him, just here, dying on the soaked ground. Everything was about to disappear and he didn’t want to witness the tragedy. He didn’t want to wake up and have to say goodbye to Harry. Harry was holding onto him but he didn’t know anything about him, it was too much, too hurtful for both of them, too stupid and ridiculous to go on. Louis couldn’t see the reasons, he couldn’t understand why he was having any interests in someone like himself, he was uninteresting. One day Harry would wake up and understand how stupid he had been for being attracted to someone like him, he would realise the mistakes he had done and would leave him. That was what would probably happen to everyone around him. He wasn’t a good person. He wasn’t made to be loved.  
There was a knock on the door and that made Louis flinch a bit before he tightened the covers around his shivering body. He was cold. 

“Louis...” he heard Zayn sigh behind the door. 

He wanted to ask why he was there. He specified to his mother he didn’t want to see anyone, she should have left him outside. It was Zayn. Johannah had never been a big fan of him, the tattoos and his dark hair falling messily around, she always thought he was into drugs, some bad guy doing bad things with other bad people. He was pretty much the contrary honestly, he ended up top of the year and got his diploma with honours and maybe he hadn’t started college like Louis did, but he had found a job, then added another one. He was working so hard to live by himself, he wanted to thank his parents for everything they had done for him, how happy they made him and how they had taken care of him and his sisters no matter if they had to forget themselves. And for about one year now, he was working hard enough, he was living in a large flat with his sister and one of his co-worker. He had enough money to send gifts to his family in Bradford. He had lived a long time with Liam so he could go to this high school he had dreamed of and his parents didn’t complain and paid the rent he needed to give Liam, which was basically half the rent. He had met Perrie and that lasted a long time before it started feeling wrong, when he decided to break up, it all exploded in his face. People was looking at him like he was a monster, was judging him, spreading awful rumours, he had felt pretty sick for several weeks before he decided not to let them hurt him. He wasn’t angry with her, it wasn’t her fault, her friends thought it was a good idea to avenge her and even though she made it clear she didn’t want this to happen, it still happen. Those friends were gone now, when she started college, he heard she got new friends and even saw some of them with her when they went to the shop he worked at. Jesy was her name if he remembered well.

“It’s not locked, you know it.” Louis mumbled in his pillow. 

Zayn opened the door slowly, the older boy was turning his back on him, hidden under a warm cover. He wondered how Louis was able to breathe under it, it was really warm outside and Louis was probably dying of heat. But it was the opposite, Louis was cold, shuddering and trying to get warmer, his eyelids so heavy over his blue eyes. Zayn got closer before sitting down next to his friend on the large bed. He didn’t know where to put his hands so he simply dropped them on his knees after rubbing his face. He kept silence for a while, listening to Louis’ loud breathe and looking at the cover going up and down at the pace of his chest. 

“What’s going on?” he finally asked. 

Louis sighed loudly and shrugged silently. In all honesty, he didn’t want to see or talk to Zayn. He didn’t want anyone to see him like that and he didn’t even know why he let Zayn in in the first place. He had met Zayn thanks to Liam, Liam was his only friend back then, he had been his friend since secondary school. Karen, Liam’s mum, had been friend with Trisha for a long time, the boys didn’t really know or liked each other, none of them could give any explanation to it. Karen always said they were too similar to be best friends. So when Liam decided to move out and leave his parents’ house, Karen convinced him to let Zayn move in with him. And that’s how Louis met him, Liam’s fear of Zayn had pushed him to convince the older boy to come over when he had to move in. Surprisingly Louis got on with Zayn almost immediately and of course living with him made Liam realise how good of a person he actually was. 

“Louis, you hadn’t left your room or talked to anyone for two days now, so what’s wrong? Is that about Harry? Tamara? I don’t know, please tell me!” 

Louis flinched when Zayn pronounced his neighbour’s name. He felt his heart speeding in his chest and pounding violently against his ribs, making them shudder gently against his pale skin. 

“It’s okay you know, you’ll move on, I know it’s hard and it seems impossible at first, it seems like you won’t be able to find anyone else, but you will!”  
“I am not in love with Tamara anymore.” he sighed.  
“I wasn’t talking about Tamara, Louis… Do you really think I didn’t notice the way you look at him? The way you seem so mesmerised whenever he starts doing something or speaking… You forget everything around you when he’s next to you… You’ve never looked at Tamara like that.”

Louis sat down suddenly and stopped when a violent ache kicked inside his head, he had moved way too quickly. He stayed quiet for a minute, his palm pressed against his forehead and his heart beating fast under his ribs. 

“What are you talking about? I am not _gay_!” 

He looked up to see Zayn raising an eyebrow at him, perplexed. 

“I am not!” he shouted at his best friend. 

Zayn rolled his eyes and shook his head softly, his dark hair flying a bit around his head. Louis was tired and suddenly everything around him seemed so far away but way too close at the same time. His eyes didn’t seem to work and slowly his chest lifted up and down faster and faster. Air was missing and his lungs were trying their best to work with the few oxygen going down his chest. But it didn’t seem enough. He could feel his heart beat faster, gaining speed each time he would try to make it go slower. He laid his palms on the mattress, grabbing the white sheets with strength in between his small fingers, his vision was blurring and getting darker. It was terrifying. Louis had dealt with anxiety for a long time but he had always managed to run away from situation that would bring too much anxiety. He was pretty good at it. His eyes watered quickly when he realised no air was crossing his throat. 

“Hey!” Zayn called out, pressing his hands against his shoulder, “Louis, look at me!”

Louis couldn’t lift his head up to look at his friend, he was focusing all his energy and attention on oxygen and on the ache hammering his chest. His fingers were digging in the mattress, too many things were running through his brain and he couldn’t stop thinking. There was no way out and each time he wanted to take a deep breath in, nothing was happening but pain at the bottom of his lungs. 

“Louis!” Zayn shook his shoulder, “Louis, look at me, now!”

Louis slowly dragged his eyes on his friends, his vision wasn’t focus and Zayn’s face looked blurry. His body was a mess, his chest was trembling and his hands couldn’t let the sheet go, almost like they were blocked around the soft fabric. Zayn trapped Louis’ face in his hands, holding it straight as he started talking.

“Louis, everything is fine, you’ll be fine. Try to calm down, I know it’s hard, please that’s only me, Zayn!” 

Louis’ tears were streaming down his face, burning his cheeks and falling down on his chest. He was trying his best, breathe in, out, in, out. And his throat seemed to open a bit as he focused his mind on Zayn’s voice and face. He didn’t remember if he had ever been this close to Zayn, so close he could feel his breath almost burning his skin. 

“Come on! Everything is going to be fine.”

Zayn was miming the boy how to breathe, over lifting his chest as he breathed in and arching his back as he breathed out. It took about 5 minutes for Louis to completely calm down, but it felt like it lasted hours. His chest was still painful and his eyes were burning from the tears. Louis hated himself for letting Zayn see him so weak and stupid. Zayn was always so strong, it seemed like nothing would ever drag him down. Louis was the opposite, he felt like the tiniest thing could just change his mood in less than a minute. It was awful. Did he have to be like that? So ridiculously stupid, not being able to retain his tears or control his anxiety or hide anything inside, go past them and forget the pain. He wished he was more like Zayn, he managed to stay strong no matter what he was going through. Everything was different for Louis. Zayn was so muscular and physically strong, he was handsome, he knew it. He could just look at him and see all of the prettiest thing put over his face. Deep brown eyes and long thick lashes, cheekbones and jaw so defined that could cut his fingertip, pinkish lips and black beard making him look strangely even more handsome, and his hair, so dark and no matter what he did with it, it looked like it was made for him. Sometimes Louis would feel bad just by looking at him. And when Liam was there, he just wanted to throw up. He would look at them and notice all the perfect things on them and compare them to him, he was so different. 

“I am your friend, Louis. And I couldn’t care less about who you’re dating honestly. I will always support you, no matter what… And believe me, Liam will as well!”

Zayn stood up, he stayed with Louis for an hour or so, just trying to be sure he was calm and the attack wouldn’t come back. Louis looked terrible, the dark circles around his blue eyes were darker than they had ever been, his skin was paler, almost grey. His hair looked greasy and messy. He didn’t look like the Louis Zayn knew. 

“You don’t know that...” Louis said as Zayn opened the door. 

Zayn raised an eyebrow as he turned around to look at his friend. 

“Oh believe me, he won’t mind, ever!” 

Louis thought he saw Zayn winking before he closed the door behind him, but he quickly brushed the thought away as he turned around in his bed and put the covers over his face again. It did help a bit knowing Zayn didn’t have any problem with Louis having something for Harry. It was a bit of a relief. But so many people didn’t know and honestly, he didn’t want to change that any time soon. Harry and Louis weren’t really anything, they had kissed a bit but they hadn’t talked about whatever all of this was supposed to mean. But Louis was exhausted and soon enough he slide into a deep sleep. 

When Lottie led Harry to Louis’ room silently, the house was empty, they were all gone doing God knew what and Lottie stayed to keep an eye on Louis. She didn’t know how he would react when he would see Harry. Honestly, she didn’t know anything anymore. Félicité and her had talked about Louis’ problems recently, they both knew something was wrong but they didn’t know what was wrong. Lottie only wished Harry could fix it. None of them had seemed to be really helpful and even though the main subject that was talked about in the house was Louis, none of them knew what they could do to help. They felt helpless. When she opened the door to let Harry entered, she noticed Louis’ puny body buried under the cover. Harry came in the dark room, he knew from his memories where the bed was, he simply walked slowly, one step at a time until his leg met the bed frame. He brushed his hands gently against the mattress, making sure he had enough space to lay down. He buried his nose in Louis’s neck, pressing his chest against Louis’ bony back. The curly headed boy could feel Louis’ spine pressed against his tummy and he frowned, biting on his bottom lip to retain the tears from rolling down his face. He knew he shouldn’t be there, he knew Louis needed space, needed time even though he didn’t know exactly why. During that time alone, he had started thinking he was the problem, maybe all of this was his own fault, he made Louis sad, miserable. That would be understandable since he didn’t seem to want to talk to him. But he also knew Louis had something, deeper in him destroying his beautiful soul and trying to tear him apart. He knew by the way he had cried in his arms, the way he kept silent sometimes, the way he changed subject. He knew by his bony body probably aching against his. When he wrapped his arm around Louis’ thin waist, the latter flinched a bit. Harry moved his face closer to Louis’ ear, his nose buried in his hair as he whispered against his cold skin: 

“You’re beautiful.” 

Deep down, Harry knew what Tamara had told him had hurt him. He had noticed how Louis felt about food. Harry had never had any problem with food, he had always knew how to take care of himself and he had always loved it. He loved cooking and eating and even though sometimes he might eat a bit too much he had never felt any guilt about it. He loved food. And since he loved sport as much, it was balancing perfectly. The only moment he had skipped diner when was he was too tired and mentally exhausted to leave his bed. He knew he had lost some weight after the accident, he could feel it under his hands, the mental state he had been drowned in took all his appetite away. But day after day, he would find himself getting hungry and enjoying food as much as he had always did. 

“You don’t know. You can’t see anything.” 

Harry didn’t know if it was supposed to sound rude on purpose but it definitely did. His tone was quite harsh and Harry took his arm back, sitting on the bed. He didn’t want to let any of those words touch him or hurt him. It shouldn’t. Tamara’s words hadn’t hurt him, at all. But the difference between her and Louis was Harry’s feelings. Louis’ words hurt for the only reason that Harry felt something for Louis that he had never felt for anyone. He had liked Carrie, yes, but had he ever loved her? In all honestly, he had thought he did, but the way his heart was beating faster against his ribs each time he felt Louis’ presence around him made him think it wasn’t really love. 

“I know I can’t, Louis! Oh, believe me I know and you don’t need to remind me when every single day I wake up in the dark, when every morning I want to go downstairs and look at my mum, my sister and I realise I can’t and will never be able to anymore. All the things I’ve loved looking at in the past is now replaced by the dark. There’s nothing to look at anymore for me. So believe me, I do know I can’t see you.”

Louis felt like someone had just stabbed his heart, every word Harry’s deep voice was pronouncing was another hit at his chest, making it bleed a bit more and increasing the pain. He didn’t know if he could ever hate himself any more than he did after that. Why would he ever think about saying such thing to one of the nicest person he had ever met? To the only person who had the strong and incredible power to make the pain go and to leave butterflies in his stomach. Why would he do that? He sat up and turned around to face Harry, he slid his hands into Harry’s palms, holding them tight. He wished the younger boy could hear what he was thinking, in a way, he didn’t know how to translate his guilt and apologies into words. He wished Harry could just understand with the touch of his hands and the beatings of his heart. 

“I didn’t mean to say that… I am sorry...” he simply said, looking down at his legs.  
“You know why I know you’re beautiful? Even if, indeed, I can’t see...” Harry whispered

Louis kept silent, he didn’t really know if he wanted to hear it. Louis had come to the point he didn’t want to hear anyone say how beautiful or nice he was because all he was hearing was annoying lies. He was convinced all of those people saying those things to him was simply trying to make him look less pathetic, no matter if they had to imagine crazy stories and making up some ridiculous compliment as they tried to make him believe it. He ended up hating compliments, they were making him feel uglier and worst rather than what they were supposed to do. At the lack of reply, Harry continued: 

“Because I still have hands to feel you...” Harry slid his fingers up Louis’ arms hesitantly and carefully, setting his palms on Louis’ shoulders before stroking his neck and jaw gently. “Because I still have a nose to realise how good you smell...” he leaned on the older boy slowly, brushing the tip of his nose against his neck. “Because I still have ears to listen to your soothing voice that covers my spine with goosebumps and makes my heart speed in my chest...” Harry grabbed Louis’ hand that was now on his knee and slid it onto his chest, just over his heart. The little leaps of Harry’s heart could be felt against Louis’ pale fingers. “Because I still have a brain to think straight, I know you’re selfless, I know you’re generous, you accepted to help some unknown boy and refused money, you take care of your family and stuck to so many responsibilities. You’re always scared to disappoint people but the only person you ever disappoint is yourself because you’re too harsh on yourself. Louis… You’re beautiful in every way possible and I don’t need no eyes to realise that.”

Hot salty water was rolling down Louis’ cheeks and streaming across his neck. He wrapped his arms around the younger boy’s chest and pressed him closer to his. Why and how was he lucky enough to know such an incredible and breathtaking person? Why did destiny had chosen him to be the one who could hug him right now? Harry wrapped the older boy into the heat of his embrace, warming the trembling freezing body up a bit. Louis toppled them on the mattress and laid down over the green eyed boy’s chest. A mix of relief and pain ran through his veins as Harry hugged him tighter, trapping him in a safe shelter. He hadn’t felt better anywhere else, Harry’s arms and body almost seemed like they were blessed by Gods, they were covered in some magical powers making everything so much more beautiful and colourful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello beautiful people, how was your week?  
> So, I know I am late again and I am sorry again!  
> Let's talk about the boys first. Bear Payne ? Sweet Creature and Slow Hands (little cheeky Niall) and Louis looking gorgeous like always? Amazing week!  
> What do you all think about what happened? Did you guys got tickets for Harry's tour? I personally didn't even try, sadly, I don't have the money and no one wanted to come with me anyway so I wouldn't have been able to go even if I had the money!  
> This is exams time for me, is it for any of you? If it is and if you failed or have any trouble to focus because of mental disorder or any other things, I just wanted to say, stay strong! I know it feels like you're weak but you're not! You're so strong and powerful! This is not your fault and you should never drag yourself down for something you don't have control on. One day, everything will be fine and you'll look back at the past and be proud of where you came from! Stay strong beautiful!  
> I hope none of my chapters make your journey any harder (I won't ever write about self-harm because I personally know how triggering it can be, don't worry about that, but I write about mental disorders, and I guess it can be triggering.) ! If it does, please be careful and always take care of yourself.  
> What did you all think about this chapter?  
> I hope you like it. I don't want to ask for comment... but I'd happily read your opinion!  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	19. Chapter 19

# EMPTINESS

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⚠ May be triggering, please be careful, always ! ⚠

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**_August 13th_ **

When it had first happened, it was a week ago, Louis was home alone once again. The whole family was at a theme park and would stayed overnight and would only come the next evening while Louis had stayed home. He was laying in his bed and his stomach was hurting, he hadn’t eaten anything in three days, drank a lot of water, he read online it would make it seem like he had eaten. He hated himself for making such research. He was pathetic, felt pathetic. This whole situation was becoming so ridiculous he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror anymore, he would turn the light off while taking a shower which resulted with some bruises on his knees and elbows. He couldn’t describe how it felt each time he would see his reflection. When he laid his eyes on his thighs while walking upstairs, he would only notice how the fat on his upper thighs would jiggle each time he climbed another step. If he ran downstairs, he would notice his butt moving and the fat around his stomach bouncing over his abs. When he brushed his teeth, he would see his double chin and look away from the mirror. If he ate something, he would go to his room and stare at the mirror, in his boxer while whispering to his reflection how ugly he was. He would list all the disgusting features. He would punch his stomach sometimes, punch his thighs like he could pack the fat and make it disappear under his pale skin.  
The reflection was a lie though. The biggest lie. The sketches he had made of his “fat” body to remind himself how “disgusting” he was were lies as well. He was so far from being the person drawn in the mirror. The fact he had to change belt for a tighter one hadn’t opened his eyes on reality nor the fact his previously tight shirts were now floating over his skin. His tan and glowing skin was now pale and drab. His big and expressive blue eyes were now subdued and bloodshot. His lips were more bluish than pinkish. His hair was thinner and it wasn’t shinning anymore. His body had changed massively. When he laid down, his stomach would grow hollow between his hip bones and ribs, almost like an empty lake. The veins over his hands and wrist were more visible than ever and his skin seemed almost see-through. His ordinarily attractive prominent cheekbones were now scary. He was cold, freezing and shuddering under his covers every night. 

But that one night, it was different. He was cold but his stomach was keeping him awake, his stomach had been begging him for food for hours and he didn’t manage to sleep. It was around 4am. He didn’t want to call Harry at such an hour like they were used to. So after he had tried to walk around the house for 20 minutes he ended up in the kitchen, sitting on the counter and staring at the fridge. He was cracking his knuckles and swinging his legs. He had rubbed his hands over his face, trying to convince him not to do such a thing. Trying to convince him he was not hungry. It wasn’t hunger. He was fine. He should just go back to sleep. But he didn’t. He had jumped on his feet before walking up to the fridge slowly, he had opened it and the light had hit his face. He had looked up and down. Yoghurt, cheese, cooked meats, soda, some pieces of cake his mum had cooked the day before. Nothing he should eat. But strangely, as he was still trying to convince himself how bad it was, his hand had grabbed the plate with the cake and he had smashed the door closed before sitting at the counter with a knife and fork. He had cut a small piece and had slid it into his mouth, closing his eyes as he let it drop down his throat, slowly, he wasn’t chewing so much, wasn’t cutting the cake, he was simply biting violently and swallowing quickly. He hadn’t stopped though when the plate was empty. He had opened the cupboard’s doors, grabbing the peanut butter jar, some cookies packs and crisps bags. He had scattered them on the counter, he had drank soda and bottles of water as he had let everything roll down his throat to fall in his stomach until it was hurting. Hurting and so uncomfortable. Until he had jumped back into reality as his taut and heavy stomach was pressing against his cold skin under his shirt, pushing against the fabric. He had grimaced from pain as he had pulled up his shirt, his fingers greasy and covered with chocolate, salt and other crumbs he was now disgusted by. His skin was tense and when he had pressed gently on the small bump between his ribs and belly button, he had felt his throat burn. Warm tears had started rolling down his cheeks and realisation had hit him violently. He had just eaten, not just some snack, he had emptied the cupboard to fill his stomach with whatever it contained. The pain was horrendous. He could barely breathe, like his lungs were pushing against his already overflowing stomach. Louis would never be able to describe how it felt as he was sitting in the darkness of the kitchen, his hands covered with the food he had just swallowed, his cheeks covered with tears. His chest was heavy, like the heaviest anvil was crashing his sternum and ribs. But it was the weight of guilt and hate pressing onto his heart. He had pulled on his hair before running up the stairs, a trembling hand over his stomach as it was threatening to explode. When Louis had collapsed in front of the toilet, his heart had started beating faster. He didn’t know if it was from the pain on his stomach, the pain of guilt, shame and hate or the fear of what was to come. His fingers were trembling before he had knelt and leaned over the toilet bowl and slid his index and middle fingers into his mouth. That night, the only little shining star left in the bottom of his soul had turned off. There was no Harry, no mum, no Zayn or Liam. He was alone. Alone facing one of the most painful and shameful thing he had ever done. He had never thought he could hate himself more than he was already, but he was wrong. So wrong. Because when he woke up, he couldn’t find any reason to wake up and keep on living. Because when Harry showed up the next day, his blindness wasn’t something to reassure him _anymore_ and he ran away from his touch and kisses, until the boy left. Because there weren’t anything that could bring him to smile _anymore_ , the sky seemed colourless and it couldn’t warm his heart _anymore_. His head and throat hurt and he couldn’t find a reason to explain why he was still alive _anymore_. 

 

It was past midnight when they had landed in Funchal after a – late – 4 hours long flight from London to Madeira. 4 hours during which he held Lottie’s head on his shoulder and let Phoebe try some ridiculous hairstyles on his short rebellious hair. They had to pay two taxis to drive them to Caniço. Lottie and Johannah had planned those holidays for several months. They had always loved travels, no matter where it was as long as it was sunny and lovely. They had travelled to LA, West Palm Beach, Barcelona and other heavenly places. They were used to always come back with beautiful memories. This year was a bit different for Louis. He had changed. He used to have a lot of fun, spending hours with Lottie on the beach, Félicité hadn’t been allowed to stay alone with them until this year and needless to say she couldn’t wait. Johannah had a hard time accepting the fact her children were growing up so fast. Strangely, it had been easier to accept when it happened to Louis, he had taken responsibilities really early. He had wanted to take care of his siblings as soon as his mother were back from the hospital. It happened with all of them. Louis was the older child, she knew he was an adult and she had been treating him as an adult when he had turned 15. Right now, Louis just wanted to be a child again, back to his innocent years when he didn’t know what real life was. How hard and ugly it could be. How painful it could get to try and go through life. When there were no harder times than having your sand castle crashed by your little sister or your ice lolly melting all over your fingers before you could finish it. Sometimes he would think back to those times and feel bad about how much his innocence had been destroyed with pain and self-hate. Wondering what could have happened for him to go from the happiest little boy to someone crawling in the mud, stitching the wounds over his heart with barbered wire.  
He threw his phone on the bed after sending a text to Harry to tell him he arrived, just like the younger boy had asked – demanded – him. Doris and Ernest were both asleep in their bed. Louis didn’t mind sharing his room with the toddlers. Lottie would share hers with Phoebe as Félicité would be with Daisy. He sighed when laying down on his bed, he didn’t even want to be there. He had seen pictures of Caniço online, he knew it would be beautiful. The villa they were renting for the next ten days was breathtaking and he felt really ungrateful for feeling that way while he was sleeping in a king size bed near the beach. But he didn’t want to wear less clothes, shorts and T-shirts. He was far from feeling okay with the idea of people seeing his body, no matter if it was his legs or arms. He felt disgusted enough by his reflection, he wouldn’t stand the tint of disappointment in his family’s eyes. His phone’s screen lighted up, signalling a new message from Harry. Secretly, Louis wished Harry was asleep when they would land in Madeira, that he wouldn’t get a respond. He had tried to avoid Harry a bit recently. When he would try and hug him, Louis would simply move away, when he would want to kiss him, Louis would start talking. He liked Harry, a lot, he was great, amazing, a gold-hearted human being, and that was the problem. With Harry being such a perfect person, Louis felt disgusting. Inside, it seemed like a joke. They looked like a joke. Harry was Adonis and Louis felt like the wild boar about to kill him. Dangerous and repulsive. How could he make Harry proud of being seen around someone like Louis? Louis answered quickly before wrapping the covers around his body.  
He stayed up until late, turning around over and over again in his bed, listening to his youngest siblings’ breathing. There was some strange feeling buried deep in his body, something he couldn’t really explain with words. Something new, uncomfortable. He felt empty, so empty that even the pain seemed to be gone. He was looking at the dark ceiling, his face wasn’t holding any expression. He pressed his palm against his chest, the imaginary anvil was still there, crashing his rib cage and squashing his heart. But apart from that uncomfortable constant feeling, it was different, almost scary. When you feel pain, you can still feel joy. Sadness can lead to some unbearable pain, being filled with such pain prove you’re still alive and proves you can still end up feeling happiness. Emptiness is emptiness. The absence of feelings, of sorrow means something way darker. If you’re not able to feel the deepest hurtful mental emotions, how are you supposed to feel the pleasurable ones? Joy, happiness, pride, all of those seemed suddenly impossible to reach for Louis. It kept him awake a long time, several hours, so long that he noticed the sunbeams sneaking through the shutters when he finally fell asleep.

It was 1am the next day when Louis’ phone buzzed loudly on the little metallic table next to the sun lounger he was laying on next to the pool. He had been laying in the darkness for a while now, his family was asleep after the long exhausting day they had spent visiting the city. Louis sighed loudly before bringing the phone to his ear as Harry’s deep voice crashed against his eardrum. He closed his eyes. 

“Hi!” Louis responded slowly. 

He wondered if Harry could guess he didn’t want to talk with the tone in his voice. He wanted to lay there, doing nothing but looking at the dark sky filled with shining tiny stars and the moon, high and full. He wanted to join them up there, it seemed calm and strangely comfortable, he would dance with them all night until he would have to go back to earth as the sun would take its place back. He felt almost non-existent, invisible under this infinity of stars. He was the less interesting speck of dust in the universe. Annoying and ugly on that beautiful breathtaking planet, just as dirt on De Vinci’s Mona Lisa painting. It didn’t feel right here anymore, he didn’t fit in anymore, was he too different? Or was it just the world that didn’t want him among its inhabitants. Those who just walked around, minding their on business. Maybe Louis was just too heavy for Earth. 

“How are you today?” Harry asked. 

Louis didn’t seem to notice the concern in the boy’s voice. Harry always asked, like everyone, everyday, and it didn’t seem more important in his mouth than in anyone else’s. Everybody ask how you are, do they want you to answer honestly? Do they really want you to ramble about the pain in your chest, the tears you’re fighting back, the tiredness of your body? Do they really want to know or do they ask to be polite? Louis knew it was the second option, and he didn’t think it was different for Harry. But it was. It was the opposite of being polite. He wanted to know, to listen to Louis telling him how he truly felt deep down. He didn’t want him to hide the truth anymore. He wasn’t blind enough not be able to hear Louis’ trembling voice when he fought back the tears, struggling not to let them drop on his cheeks. Not to feel his wet cold hands when he was anxious about hiding who he really was. And Harry didn’t want him to fake anything, but would Louis ever understand that he didn’t need to be someone else around him? Harry liked him the way he was, so small but so strong. He didn’t really know what brought Louis to be how he was, how broken he was. Because the older boy could smile and laugh as loud as he could, he wouldn’t trick him. He noticed the way Louis wiggled uncomfortably under his hands and how he seemed like he needed to jump away from his touch. He wanted Louis to trust him.

“Good, how about you?” 

Harry silently sighed, biting down on his bottom lip, chewing for a while until he answered. He wanted to take care of him, hold him tight when he broke down so he could have some shoulders to cry on. Bring him tea and putting Grease on TV to cheer him up a bit. Wrapping his arms around him to warm his freezing body. Harry wished he had the power to take some pain away, or whatever Louis felt inside. He wanted to lighten his shoulders that were slouched by heavy burdens. Taking off every weight that was dragging his body down in the quicksand that was swallowing all of body and drowning his soul into sticky mud. He wanted to save him from whatever monsters and demons hidden in the dark of his mind.  
They talked for a little while, Harry did most of the talk though, doing his best to ask questions and hear Louis’ voice. It was hard, almost painful when the older boy was simply brushing away the question, or using only one word as an answer. The reflection of the moon was making the clear water of the pool shine.

“Lou?” a feminine voice whispered in the dark. 

When the young boy looked up and saw his mother wrapped into a long shawl, he hang up without warning Harry. She walked closer to her son and sat down on the chair next to his. 

“It’s late, why are you here, honey?” she asked softly. 

Her voice was always as soft as a melody. He wondered what she would say, how she would react if right now he would tell her the truth. All the truth, the deep dark heavy feeling crashing his heart sometimes, the almost constant need to disappear of the universe, just fly away really far and high to never come back. What she would say if she knew he kissed a boy, liked a boy, was secretly dating the boy she allowed to sleep at her house. Would she be disgusted and tell him he wasn’t her son anymore, tell his siblings not to talk to him anymore. He really wondered how it would happen but he didn’t want to find out yet, he didn’t want to listen to her melodic voice yell at him for being a bad, disgusting son. 

“I just couldn’t sleep.” 

It wasn’t fully a lie. Just maybe half the truth. It was hurting to realise how good he became at lying, how good of an actor he was now. Johannah sighed softly, under the poor lighting of the full moon, Louis’ dark circles surrounding his beautiful blue eyes looked darker, almost like he got punched in the face. Johannah hadn’t shared a real conversation with her son for a while, maybe growing up was the cause of it. 

“Louis, you would tell me if something was wrong, right?” she asked with concern, covering the back of his hand with her palm.  
“Of course I would mum!” he lied, raising his eyebrows. 

She smiled gently, every single one of her smiles, even the tiniest, was lightening her whole face in a sudden. She grabbed his hand and held it in her palm, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb slowly. She wondered where all the years were gone, why everything had happened so quickly that now she was sitting next to a man, her baby was still there, she knew it. Even when he would be 50, he would still be her baby, but he grew up so quickly, in a blink of an eye he became a man. 

“You know no matter how old you are, you’ll always be able to tell me anything you want, honey.”

She smiled and brushed her fingers against his pale cheek softly. 

“It doesn’t matter if you’re an adult, you know that I am here for you, and I’ll always be. You are my child before being a man!”

Louis looked down, lately, he didn’t really felt like he was anything to anyone. He felt invisible. His mother had things to do, as well as his siblings had things to do. And he had hidden in his room for a while, away from voices and eyes. He didn’t want to disgust people, he already disgusted himself way too much. 

“You’re a beautiful person Louis, and I am so proud of you, I couldn’t be more proud of you than I already I am. You make me the happiest mother in the whole world!” 

Louis clenched his teeth, trying the best he could not to let the salty tears stream down his face. He wasn’t a beautiful person, and when she would realise, she wouldn’t be so proud of him anymore. He felt like a monster, inhuman. He shouldn’t be there, sitting in such a beautiful place with a mother as amazing as Johannah. He shouldn’t be lucky enough to have incredible siblings. He shouldn’t be given such great friends. Other people needed and deserved it so much more than him. He felt like he didn’t deserve more than dirt and dust. He didn’t deserve the oxygen feeding his lungs, the water hydrating his body, the sun warming him up, the roof covering his head from the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! How are you all feeling today, good I hope!  
> So it's 4:30 am but I just thought I could post it now because I have an exam tomorrow and I might not really be in the mood to post.  
> Did any of you have exam? How did it go? Don't forget that no matters what happen, it doesn't define your intelligence ! You're amazing no matter your grades!  
> I guess you all listened to Harry's album? What is your favourite song?  
> Are you excited for the 19th of may? Liam is coming to us and I can't wait to listen to his work anymore!  
> So, well I know this chapter is really dark and I am sorry if it triggered any of you, maybe breathe in and take some time to focus on what you like. I really don't want my story to have bad consequences...  
> I wanted to thank any of you who leave kudos, it's adorable and I am really thankful for you to take a look at my work! It means a lot to me. Thanks a lot!!  
> Should I keep asking you what you think of the chapter? I guess if you had anything to say about it, you'll just say it, I hope :)  
> I love you all and am thankful for you to read what I write!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	20. Chapter 20

# JUST A LITTLE CRUSH

_**August 16th** _

Louis sighed loudly before collapsing on the mattress, his thin body bouncing gently before he kicked his shoes off his feet and brought the soft covers over his already shivering body. The young boy rolled around on his stomach and held the pillow tightly in between his arms, burying his face in the fabric. The moonlight was barely piercing through the shutters and the room was plunged in almost total darkness. The silence he had wanted to disappear into for hours was a bit broken with the low voices coming from the living-room. It was his sister’s birthday and they had spent the evening celebrating at a fancy restaurant some miles away. He was exhausted. He didn’t really know if it was from all the loud talking he had to go through or the loud voices screaming at him, perfectly hidden in his brain, and most probably imaginary. Louis felt like going crazy. But deep down he knew. He knew it was his own voice repeating to himself he was eating too much, he would gain weight, become fat. He knew he hadn’t the strength to silence them that one night. They were loud, painful, heavy on his chest. The words were pressing down his stomach and making it hard to swallow and think about something else than the food in his body. But Louis was tired, he didn’t want to fight himself, hate himself, judge himself tonight. It was too much, to much to go through and he didn’t know if he wanted to.   
Earlier, when his family group hugged before taking the usual birthday picture, he felt sick. He felt huge and heavier than he had ever felt. And as he was worrying about letting his sisters feel the fat on his body, the aforesaid sisters felt the bones through their older brother’s shirt. It worried them. A bag of bones, his body felt like a bag of bones when they had wrapped their arms around him. Each one of them had silently questioned it, maybe they had imagined it, maybe he simply dropped some pounds. But Félicité and Lottie knew it wasn’t the case. When Lottie took her sister to the room they were sharing for the holidays, she wanted her opinion on something, but the conversation had slowly drifted from Lottie’s love life to their brother’s health. At first they simply asked each other’s opinion. Before actually sharing their worries. They both knew something was wrong with Louis. They knew he wasn’t himself lately. He was spending most of his day in bed, they were not talking much lately, he wasn’t really smiling and he looked exhausted all the time. The dark circles around his blue eyes were so dark it always seemed like he could collapse of tiredness at any moment. Louis loved swimming however he hadn’t set foot in the private pool of the villa like he should have. He was different, so different he didn’t even act like their brother anymore, they didn’t get any hug for a while, he hadn’t watched movies with any of them for what seemed like ages. They didn’t know if they could actually talk to him about it. It was hard and Louis didn’t like to confess to anyone, they knew he wanted to keep everything to himself like he was strong enough to fix everything, like he never needed any help. Louis wanted to be a man. A strong independent man who wouldn’t need to talk to anyone to understand how to fix the situation. But recently, he had questioned that. Did he really want to keep every single thing to himself? Yes. Did he need it? Yes. Would he be able to fix it himself? He wasn’t so sure anymore. He thought the pain would be gone by now. It felt like the longest agony he would ever have to go through. There was no end, no light at the end of the tunnel. Each day, he would have to list all the reasons why he needed to leave his bed, recently he only managed to find one. He didn’t want to alarm his family. He didn’t want them to worry about him, he knew he had already worried them a lot recently and he hated himself for that. He wished he could hide the pain better, he wished he could lie better even if he was already really good at it. That’s why he was getting up each morning. It was probably the only reason why he was leaving the heat of his bed every day, trying to get ready and face the world no matter if he didn’t feel like he was strong enough anymore. Because he needed them to think he was okay, that everything was fine. That was why he plastered a perfect smile on his face, no matter if inside his heart was bleeding and his brain was drowning in tears.   
Louis was lying in bed and answering one of Zayn’s message when three knocks on the door broke the silence. Ernest and Doris were asleep for a while now and it was only him and his thoughts. The door opened, the moonbeam brushed Lottie’s slightly tanned face and reflected on her light blond hair. She didn’t say a word when she silently walked up to the bed and sat down in front of Louis. It was silence for a while, only the children’s breaths could be heard in the dark room. Lottie seemed nervous or embarrassed, he couldn’t really tell. She was biting her long pink nails and was looking down at her laps. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, suddenly worried. 

He felt like he had let his problems took over his life and his personality. He used to listen to them, sit with his sibling and listen to them as they would confess their little secrets and problems. It was never really bad, just some crush on the new boy at school, some difficulties in maths, some insignificant argument with their friends. But they all knew he would be there when those little problems would turn into something bigger. He knew he would always be there to listen. But recently, he felt like he had been more absent than present for them. He hadn’t heard about their problems for what seemed like years. Maybe was he too occupied dealing with his own problems. He felt selfish and he hated the guilt running through his veins as Lottie looked up through her thick lashed and smiled. She nodded gently. 

“I just wondered if I could talk to you about something...” she started, letting her hand fall onto her laps slowly. 

He frowned. The fact she was even wondering if she could talk to him, confess to him, hurt a bit. His heart missed some beats when she pinched her lips together. She looked like she was expecting him to say no and to send her back to her room. Louis and her had always been really close. They used to spend hours together watching TV, even when it was Keeping Up With The Kardashians, for the only reason that he liked spending time with her. He felt closer to her probably of her age, but strangely he would never confess anything to her. 

“Of course!” he exclaimed with a low voice, trying not to wake up the twins.   
“Well… you know, Harry?” she waited a bit until he nodded, suspicious, “well, we’ve been talking for a week or two now...” 

For a moment, Louis didn’t react. Until fear started being felt under his skin, burning his scalp viciously. He was scared, what if Harry had told things to Lottie, what if he thought it was normal to talk to her about Louis’ problems. Not that he knew lot of them, he just knew he had some troubles with himself, but they had never talked much about it. But he didn’t need to, he had cried into his arms, let him hold him for a while. He nodded, encouraging her to continue. 

“And, well...” she bit a bit on her nails “I was thinking about maybe… we could start dating...” 

Louis’ heart stopped with shock. The least he could say was that it wasn’t what he expected to hear. It was probably the last thing he expected her to say honesty. And he didn’t know what to say for a moment. Did he have the right to tell her not to? What would he say if she asked why she wasn’t allowed to? She would probably just get mad at him and tell him he didn’t have any right to tell her who she could or could not date. He knew it. But could he really just sit there, listen to his sister as she would ramble about why she wanted to date the boy he was _seeing_? Did he really wanted to?

“Why… why would you want to date him? Does he like you?” 

When the words crossed his lips, it felt like blades were coming up through his throat to cut his tongue. It was hard, he didn’t even imagine he would ever have to ask such a thing regarding Harry to Lottie. It wasn’t supposed to go like that. But he was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to hang out with Harry the way he did. Maybe it was better if Harry dated Lottie? Maybe it was supposed to be like that. Maybe whoever was controlling his destiny up there took Louis as the jester and had a lot of fun making him go back and forth. Maybe they were laughing at how stupid and ridiculous he felt right now. Louis didn’t believe in any god for the simple reason that he didn’t want to believe in something he didn’t have any concrete proof of. Maybe also because he was sick of seeing people dying under bombs, being deprived of water and food, being deprived of a roof over their head, being treated terribly and killed for being different from what people wanted them to be. Because it felt like it was crazy to believe that someone would be so mean to create such a beautiful world but let it be destroyed so easily without fighting for justice. But maybe that was who they were? Maybe whoever created the world had also created famines, wars, intolerance and all of the things that made human being, inhuman? That was how he started to doubt life could be so merciless with him and all those people in need without anyone pulling the strings of his scrawny body like they were the funniest dolls of all their collection. 

“I think so, yes, he compliments me a lot…” 

_He’s a nice guy_ Louis wanted to say. Because he was, he was the nicest person he had ever met, it seemed like he liked everyone, he was genuinely a kind boy. And Louis knew how lucky he was to be able to hold him, kiss him, and hold his hand. No matter if it had to stay a secret, no matter if Louis didn’t want anyone to know. But maybe Harry minded, he probably did. And perhaps he didn’t feel like hiding. What if Harry would feel happier with Lottie, he would be free to kiss her in front of their parents. His heart was heavy and painful, he wanted all the pain to go, he was tired of fighting. The idea of letting Harry leave him for Lottie was unbearable. He tried to imagine his sleepless nights without Harry’s phone calls and his sweet voice, he tried to imagine a week without seeing Harry’s smile that would brighten his day. And it seemed suddenly really dark. 

“He compliments everyone...” Louis sighed. 

He tried to made his voice as soft as possible. It was complicated to try and find a good reason to convince her not to date Harry. He couldn’t tell her the truth. He couldn’t just sit and say “You can’t date him, because I am dating him already”. He knew it and deep down, he wished he could, he wished he could just give the real and honest reason. Lottie frowned and looked at Louis surprised. He had always supported her and helped her find the right thing to do, but this time it almost seemed like he wanted to dissuade her from getting closer to Harry. She knew he was a great boy, if it wasn’t the case, Louis wouldn’t spend so much time with him. Harry was always so nice to her, he had encouraged her to talk to him about some of her problems and strangely she felt absolutely comfortable doing so. She had wrote pages and pages of message and sent it to him so easily, without thinking about it twice. It just felt natural. He made her feel better about her problems at school, how her grades had dropped and how she started hating school. He knew about her passion for make up and he was the only one to know she had started considering quitting high school for some beauty school in London, she had been making lot of research lately. And Harry supported and encouraged her a lot. 

“But we talk all the time and he always texts me first...”

Louis bit down on his lip. He felt his cheeks heat and burn. He didn’t know if he was strong enough to go through this conversation. But he also felt like he wasn’t strong enough for anything at all lately, just to face life really. 

**** 

Harry spat in the sink, his long fingers wrapped on the edges. He wiped the drops of water falling down his chin quickly before going back to his room. He wasn’t really tired, he didn’t want to sleep, he wanted to stay up and talk about whatever was going on in his life. He wanted to ramble about his love life and how he was feeling. 

“You’ve got a message!” Niall said as he put Harry’s phone into his hands once he was sitting next to him. 

Harry threw the phone on his side, he was with Niall now. It seemed like ages since the last time they had a sleep over together. It was Harry’s fault, he knew it and he wanted to fix it. Niall was his best friend since they were about 4 or 5. They had spent their whole life together, they knew each other’s secret. But it seemed like Niall didn’t know anything about his best friend anymore. It was the first time they were really conversing in months. It had felt almost awkward and uncomfortable at first. They didn’t know what to talk about and if there were anything to say anyway. But in less than two hours, Niall was rambling about how boring it was now without Harry, and how he had met some guy, Ed with who he had been friend since several months. 

“Do you have a crush on her?” 

Harry frowned, lifting his head a bit and wondering what Niall was talking about. They hadn’t talked about Louis yet and Harry didn’t plan on doing it. He had promised him not to talk about what was going on to anyone. It was hard, he couldn’t deny it. He wanted to talk about him, he wanted to ramble indefinitely about how great and amazing Louis was. He wanted people to know why he liked Louis so bad, why he was feeling his whole soul flying and singing when Louis kissed him. He wanted to tell Niall everything like he used to tell everything about Carrie. 

“Lottie.” Niall said with a smile when he noticed Harry’s frown.   
“What? No! Not at all, why?” he asked, surprised. 

Why would Niall ever think Harry had a crush on Lottie? She was just a friend, nothing more. She was a nice girl, it was nice to talk to her and he liked how comfortable she was of talking about her problem to him.

“I don’t know, apparently her brother doesn’t want you to be too close or something.” 

Harry wasn’t surprised Niall had read his messages, because they used to read each other’s messages in the past. But he also wondered why he hadn’t heard the annoying voice of his voice reading the message out loud from the bathroom. Harry just guessed he had simply took a look at the lock screen. There weren’t much privacy into their friendship. It had surprised lot of people, their parents as well. It just seemed a bit too much sometimes but none of them had ever minded this lack of privacy. It felt natural and normal. But he focused on what Niall said. Louis. 

“Louis?” he said slowly. 

Niall shrugged. He had met Louis a couple of time, seemed like a nice guy, he guessed. But if he didn’t want his sister to get close to Harry, he didn’t know if he would like him. Niall wanted Harry to feel better, to be happy and he wanted to see him smile and laugh. Harry used to be so happy all the time and even though he knew that it would always be different, he still wish someone would be there to make him happy. And what if Lottie could? Why would her brother stop her from making Niall’s best friend happier. 

“If you two want to date, he doesn’t have a right to tell her not to! It’s stupid, he sounds like a twat!”

Harry shook his head, his curls flying around his face. 

“I don’t want to date her!”

It sounded like a lie to Niall. He knew Harry liked blond girls with blue eyes, so Lottie was totally his type. Even though he assumed Harry had no much idea of what she looked like. He could picture them together already, Lottie making him laugh and Niall would be so happy to see him like that again. He could probably thank Lottie for bringing him his best friend back. 

“I’m not stupid!” Niall said, winking as he pushed Harry a bit, laughing loudly.   
“No, seriously...” Harry added quietly. 

The younger boy felt uncomfortable. Why would Lottie ever want to date him? He was pretty sure he hadn’t sent her misleading signs that would make her think he liked her. He was just being nice to her because he knew she needed someone to talk and he was happy to be the one she trusted. But it honestly stopped there. 

“Oh come on, does he scare you? He shouldn’t tell her not to date you, it’s stupid!” Niall exclaimed again.   
“He had every rights to, Niall! It’s not stupid, it’s logical!” Harry sighed, brushing his hair away from his face.   
“What do you mean?” 

Saying Niall was confused would be an understatement. He knew Harry didn’t like – hated – people telling him what he could or couldn’t do. Apart from his parents, he had never liked authority. So seeing him letting some boy control who he could and couldn’t date was ridiculous and surprising. Harry’s cheeks took a light colour of pink as he started chewing on his bottom lip, making Niall frown. 

“Louis is...” Harry stopped for a second, how was he supposed to say it. He had promised him not to, how could he do that? “I am...” it was harder than expected.   
“Shit! You two are together?!” Niall said as Harry nodded slowly making the blond boy’s jaw drop. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” he almost shouted.   
“Because I promised him not to tell anyone… So keep it to yourself please!” he said as he rubbed his forehead, already regretting it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! How are you all doing? Good I hope!  
> Strip That Down is out and although it's not really my taste of music, it's pretty amazing really. What are your thoughts?   
> The Carpool Karaoke with Harry has arrived and it was so hilarious !   
> Anyway, so I hope you liked this chapter, no Larry moment, sorry if you mind, will be back on the next chapter :)   
> Thanks for reading :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	21. Chapter 21

# TRYING TO FIND A WAY-OUT

**_August 21st_ **

When Louis entered the darkness of his room, he didn’t bother turning the light on before throwing the luggage on the floor, kicking it to make it slide next to his wardrobe. Home. He was finally home after spending days with his family in Madeira. Don’t get him wrong, he loved it. He enjoyed spending a bit more time with his family, doing activities together and visiting the city. He even had a bit of time to go for a run the last couple of mornings. He had felt his body getting more painful after every step he would take but he hadn’t stopped. He loved it, the pain in his lungs and the heavy weight on his stomach begging him to stop not to throw up. He did throw up once or twice during his exhausting run under the killing heat of the sun. But he would go back and continue no matter what. But now he was back home, he knew he could have some real time alone in the house. He needed it, he needed to be alone in his room at night just laying there and letting the pain run through his veins. He needed to cry for nothing, just because there was something inside telling him that was the only thing left to do. He brought his phone out of his jean’s back pocket before throwing it on the bed. The door was closed, locked and he knew no one would come in. He slid his large and warm hoodie above his head and tossed it on the floor, the cold air of the night hitting his bare chest and brushing his already freezing skin softly. He unbuckled his belt slowly before letting it fall on the ground next to the hoodie. He unbuttoned his trousers and they slid down his pale and skinny thighs and calves before he kicked them off his ankles. After he lifted his covers he laid down in between his white sheets and pale green blanket. It was so cold against his skin, he prayed for it to get warmer soon. Louis grabbed his phone and took a look at the time, 2am. He was exhausted and he knew it wouldn’t take long until sleep would come and make him unconscious. The idea of peace and rest made him smile. He needed silence from his own loud voice in his head, pointing out all the wrong things about him. _The fat in your thighs jiggle so much when you walk_ , _Your stomach looks so huge and round you look like a 5 months pregnant woman_ , and it went on and on. Louis sighed as he buried his face in the pillow, wishing the voice would shut up. He was tired, tired of listening to himself listing his flaws and why Harry would never actually love him. It was like sitting on a chair in front of someone who would point out the worst things about you. In the worst way, telling you to change, telling you that even if you changed no one would ever love you anyway. Louis wished he could just draw his body the way he wanted it to be. He would erase his curvy hips to make them straighter, less feminine. He was sick of his round bum, so he would make it smaller, like it wasn’t some fit girl’s bottom. He would trace abs over his stomach and would make his muscles bigger. He would make his thighs thinner and took the curvy look away. He remembered when his Year 2 teacher asked him and his classmates what they would do if they had a magic wand. Louis had answered he would make his dad come back, now he knew how stupid it was. The last thing he wanted was his dad to come back into his life. But now if someone asked him again, he would probably answer he would use it to change his body, erase everything he hated about it. He would probably choose to be the opposite of himself if he could. He was tired of feeling like the ugly duckling of his family, of his group of friends. 

***

The sky was dark and thousands of sparkling stars was spread all over it, Harry could remember. It was vague already, but he could remember the feeling inside when he would lay in the grass and look at the sky in summer nights. This feeling of being the tiniest grain of sand in the universe, surrounded by other billions of grains of sand. All so important and insignificant at the same time. He used to love that, being able to see the world so big all around him. The tallest trees, the oceans spreading endlessly, the sky so high, so clear or so dark. The wind so strong against his body. It had always reminded him of how tiny he was. It had almost helped him not to feel too bad about anything before. Because he knew he was lucky, so lucky to be given the chance to see so many things all around him, the most beautiful things he had ever witnessed. But he wished he had knew that years, months after he would be deprived of this freedom. He had always loved being surrounded by nature, he would always sit in the garden, run in the forest, walk around a lake and just enjoy the colours surrounding him.   
He was alone for the night, Anne was invited in their old town by her friend and he had managed to convince his sister to leave with her. He wanted them to have some funny time with their friends. As he had started to feel better, he also started feeling a lot more guilty. He knew he was the only reason for his family to move out. He knew Gemma and their mother had left their friends just for him, and he assumed it had been a really hard time for both of them. Now he was a bit more independent so after about 30 minutes of arguments, they had agreed on leaving him for the night. They were gone for about 4 hours already. So Harry was lying on the sofa, kicking his legs in the air at the pace of the music. He didn’t really know why but he had felt like putting Flashdance on TV. So here he was, kicking his legs and arms, singing a bit at the same time. But he was interrupted by two knocks on the front door. At first, the young boy was hesitant, should he really open the door at midnight? It could be anyone, some thief. But he laughed at the thought of a thief knocking at the door before stealing. He stood up and walked slowly toward the door, his bare feet sliding carefully on the cold floor with his hands gliding on the walls and furnitures. He stopped when his fingers found the door. Another two knocks broke the silence, making his heart beat faster. 

“Harry!” 

Harry froze, frowning when he recognised Louis’ voice. It wasn’t normal, he knew it. He knew Louis would never come this late. Harry had invited him over for the night since Gemma and Anne were not there, but Louis had claimed he had other things to do. He didn’t mind, he assumed he had to fix things after the holidays or he simply wanted to stay home and find his bed, his room and just enjoy being back home. But he also knew if Louis had a problem, he would probably just call him and talk. Although he wasn’t even sure Louis would ever call and talk about what was wrong on purpose. The curly-headed boy opened the door slowly, feeling the fresh air hitting his face. The door flew away from his hand, making him squeal loudly. He heard the door close and he felt Louis wrapping his arms around his waist abruptly. Harry didn’t feel comfortable. It was not normal. When Louis called his name again, he smelled it. He smelled the overpowering smell of alcohol burning his nostrils and almost giving him the beginning of a headache. He almost felt dizzy at the feeling. When Louis held the boy tighter, Harry let him do. Until the older boy’s arms felt like digging into his ribs and pushing too much onto his spine, so hard that it hurt. 

“Louis…” he sighed hopefully. 

He didn’t want to be rude, he didn’t want to push him away and yell at him. But when Louis pressed his cold lips against his and forced his tongue in Harry’s mouth at the same time as he put more pressure on his embrace, Harry felt goosebumps down his back. Not the good kind. It was from pain, shock and even a bit of fear. The taste of alcohol in Harry’s mouth made him want to puke. 

“Stop!” Harry exclaimed while he pushed the boy away. 

He heard something hit the floor and break in a loud sound. For a moment he thought Louis had fallen on the ground. He was about to speak up, scared, but Louis took his hands and squeezed them strongly, making the young boy flinch in pain. _What the hell was going on?_

“You’re drunk...” Harry whispered. 

He didn’t want to be with Louis when he was in this kind of behaviour. He didn’t really know what kind of drunk person Louis was. The only time he had been around the boy when he was drunk was at Zayn’s. And he was pretty sure he wasn’t _this_ drunk. Harry felt the small hands slid on his cheeks, he almost jumped away from his hands. He pinched them softly and moved them a bit. 

“You’re so pretty Harry!” 

His cheeks burned under Louis’ cold fingers. He felt Louis grabbed the back of his head and for a minute, he closed his eyes, begging for nothing to happen. He had never thought he would ever be scared of Louis. Louis was always so calm and silent. He had never thought any of this would happen. 

“You’re so beautiful!” his voice sounded almost annoyed and Harry frowned, “And I am tired of it!” 

Louis’ hand crashed against Harry’s chest as he pushed him away, he tottered a bit trying to gain his balance back. 

“I can’t be like you! I can’t be beautiful! I am not enough for you! You deserve better, why don’t you look for someone better?”

His voice broke with a sob and tears started rolling down his face. He couldn’t retain it, he didn’t have any control on it. He sounded so certain about the stupidities he was saying. Harry took a minute to calm the hard and fast beating in his chest before stepping closer, his arms stretched in front of him to find Louis. Louis slid his hand in the younger boy’s palm and let him wrapped his fingers around his smaller hand. 

“You’re perfect.” Harry whispered. 

Harry hated it. He felt lost and he didn’t know what Louis would do next. Alcohol made him even more unpredictable than he already was. But there was one thing he knew for sure, he could never let him down. Louis was broken, in so many way, he was broken and Harry knew it. It was heartbreaking to hear him fall apart like this. He always felt so helpless and useless around Louis. He knew he couldn’t do much to help him, he didn’t really know if he had anything to do really. Louis’ chest crashed against his own and short after he could feel his tears drop onto his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around his tiny waist and hold him gently. He wondered how many pounds Louis had dropped, he felt so bony under his hands. Almost invisible. He knew he was small. But each time he would lay his hands on the boy, he would seem even skinnier. He was scared, wondered if his family had talked to him about it? Did they even notice? He hoped they did. If he could notice it under his fingers, his family must have noticed with their eyes. After Harry had locked the front door, he took the older boy upstairs, to his room. Louis had stopped reacting to anything after a minute. He just stayed sitting on the bed, silent and immobile. Like a china doll with cracks all over their body, on the verge of breaking in thousand of pieces. Harry had covered his wet cheeks with his palm, stroking his skin with his thumb. 

“Louis, lay down… You need to sleep...” he whispered softly. 

But he didn’t get any reaction from the boy. It almost felt like he wasn’t really there and among the silence, he almost doubted his presence. But he could still feel his cold cheekbones under his fingers. He could still smell the scent of alcohol filling the room. 

“Louis, please...” he sighed. 

But it didn’t change anything, he was still lethargic in between his hands. Louis felt empty. He could barely hear Harry’s voice, maybe it was a choice. Maybe he just didn’t want to be there anymore. And it almost felt like he was swimming away from Harry, on purpose. Alcohol helped him to do so. Why was he even there? Why did he come to Harry’s house? Harry let his hands fall slowly down Louis’ shirt and grabbed the end of it before sliding it above his head carefully. He pushed Louis gently and let him topple on the mattress. He found Louis’ feet and took his shoes off after he unlaced them slowly. He unbuckled the belt that held the waist of his jeans against his hips and tossed it on the floor. Harry didn’t feel embarrassed, he felt upset. He had secretly thought about when he would take Louis’ clothes off. Harry was a virgin, in every way possible. He hadn’t done anything with Carrie, mostly because none of them were ready yet or because he didn’t feel the need to. But of course, he had thought about getting intimate with Louis. It wasn’t really important. Just a bit sad. He hadn’t imagine he would take Louis’ clothes off because he was too drunk to do it himself. When he glided the older boy’s jeans down his legs and threw them on the side, he sighed loudly. He had lifted the covers and he rolled Louis under it, Louis curled up in the sheets. His eyelids were heavy and he closed his eyes quickly. Harry stood up slowly. 

“Get some rest, everything will be better tomorrow.” he whispered, leaning on the boy and kissing his forehead. 

As he was about to walk away, Louis’ hand wrapped around his wrist softly, stopping him from going anywhere. 

“Stay...” his voice seemed so far. 

Harry knew there weren’t any room for both of them on his single bed, even though he knew Louis wouldn’t take much place with his petite body. 

“Lou...” 

Louis pulled a bit on his arm. Maybe Harry didn’t want to lay down in the painful scent of alcohol. Maybe this Louis wasn’t the Louis he wanted into his life. He didn’t want Louis to drown himself in alcohol or drugs just so he could forget the pain. 

“Please...” Louis pleaded. 

The young boy sighed loudly before lifting the covers and joining Louis in bed. He moved closer, wrapping an arm around his muscular chest and placed his ear over Harry’s heart, listening to it beating quickly under his skin. Harry stroked his hair gently, it was a bit greasy from sweat under his fingers. He stayed awake all night, brushing Louis’ hair softly, rocking his body slowly. After a while he assumed the boy had fallen asleep from the regular breathing he would hear. He didn’t know what to think. It was a bit scary to be around the drunk version of Louis. Not because he was scared he would hurt him, he knew he wouldn’t, not on purpose at least. But he was scared Louis would hurt himself. He was already hurting himself in a way, his scrawny body was speaking on his behalf. They hadn’t met too long ago but Harry could feel it. He didn’t know if Louis had been in such a bad mental state before they met and he was only trusting Harry enough to let him be aware of it now. Or if it was simply getting worse, maybe there was nothing to hide before. But Louis was breaking apart in between his hands and he couldn’t stop him. He wished he knew a magic formula to take his pain away. Listening to him sob, sniff and diss himself was heartbreaking. How couldn’t Louis be aware of the person he really was? Maybe Harry was sightless, but Louis seemed to be blinder than him. He was the only person he wanted, the only one he wanted to kiss, the only one he wanted to be touched by, the only one he wanted to cuddle with. Louis was amazing. A great man, but he put so much pressure on himself. That was ridiculous how prefect he wanted to be. How fast he tried to run after the perfect image he wanted to turn into. And maybe that sounded cheesy but Harry was already considering Louis perfect. His perfect. Only happiness was missing for the tiny and broken caterpillar to become a marvellous butterfly. Harry wanted to give him this chance, maybe he could try and give him some happiness. Just like Louis had done with him. He couldn’t leave him like that. He couldn’t let Louis sink into hell without trying to take him to their little personal paradise. Harry wanted to create a place where Louis would feel free and beautiful, a sunny tiny island just for them. Where Louis’s tears wouldn’t be from pain, shame or whatever destructive feelings were running through his veins, but the result of pure happiness. And he promised himself to try his best. 

When Louis woke up the next morning, his head was throbbing in pain. When he opened his eyes, it took him a while to adjust to the dazzling light coming from the window. He pressed his fingers against his temples and massaged them gently, begging for the pain to leave. He looked around slowly, recognizing Harry’s room. But he was all alone in the bed, he sat up in slow motion. When he noticed his jeans laying on the floor he frowned, lifting the covers and taking a quick look at his own body. He was half naked. He couldn’t remember a thing from the night before. He remembered Harry inviting him over because his family was away, he remembered telling him no and lying a bit about being busy. He remembered leaving the house around 11 just so he could go and buy some vodka from the little shop Zayn was working at. He remembered drinking at the park, all alone in the darkness of the night. Then, nothing. Blank page on which he wanted someone to tell him what to write, what to remember. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the pillow for a minute before throwing the covers away from his body and sliding his bare feet on the cold wooden floor. He noticed one of Harry’s large sweatshirt folded next to his feet with a pair of black sweatpants. He grabbed them and put them on slowly, avoiding any hasty movement not to make his headache worse. He stayed sitting a bit longer, raising the collar of Harry’s grey sweatshirt to his nose and sniffing a bit. The lack of memory from the night before made it harder for him to go downstairs. He didn’t know where Harry was, he didn’t know if he had slept with him in the bed or slept in another room. He didn’t know what he was supposed to expect but he stood up, sighing loudly as he covered his hands with the sleeves of the sweatshirt and left the room. It was cold. Freezing even. While he walked through the hall, he took some quick looks at the pictures hanging on the wall, Harry was a cute baby. When he entered the kitchen, Harry was kneeling on the tiling, picking up whatever was on the floor. He stood there without moving for a minute or so. He didn’t really know what he was supposed to do. Harry was shirtless, he was wearing some long grey shorts. That’s when he saw him flinch and swear that he walked closer. 

“Harry?”   
“Don’t move!” the younger boy almost shouted, throwing his arm toward Louis. 

For a moment, Louis thought Harry simply didn’t want him around. Maybe he had done some pretty bad things last night, only Harry could tell him. His voice was cold. He stopped walking and stayed there, pulling on the sleeves nervously and chewing the inside of his cheek. He observed silently as Harry stood up slowly and put some pieces of pale green glass on the counter. Harry trapped his finger in his mouth as he turned toward Louis. The boy glanced behind Harry and noticed the floor was covered with several pale green glass pieces. 

“What happened there?” Louis asked. 

Harry let his bloody finger fall off his mouth and spoke up. 

“You broke my mum’s vases last night...” 

Louis stopped breathing, the heat running up to his cheeks. He felt ashamed. So that was what happened? He just went to Harry’s and broke things? He rubbed his forehead. His eyes were burning under the hot tears appearing under his lids. He retained them, he couldn’t cry. He couldn’t just cry and hope it would be forgotten. Harry must hate him now. 

“I am so sorry...” Louis whispered, “I’ll clean up, go put some plaster on your finger...” 

He walked past the younger boy and knelt carefully on the floor. He heard Harry steps in the stairs and he made sure to pick up every single pieces and threw them in the bin. He swept the floor prudently. Quickly after, Harry was back and the silence was heavy in the room. None of them really knew what to say or if there was anything to say. Harry didn’t want to tell Louis what happened, what he had said to him. And deep down, Louis wished he would never know. But he had to. That wasn’t normal. That was not what he was supposed to do. Never. Harry was such a sweet boy, probably one of the kindest and sweetest person he had ever met. He was supposed to protect him no matter what. 

“I am sorry...” Louis repeated. 

Harry walked closer with his hand stretched in front of him, when his fingertips met Louis’ shoulder, he let it slide on it. He didn’t want Louis to feel bad or sorry. He knew it wasn’t his fault. Even if he wished it hadn’t happened, he simply wished it wouldn’t happen again. Maybe Harry would make him a bit happier, and this little piece of happiness would stop him from doing it again. Because Harry knew he hadn’t drank just to have fun, it was to forget, to get away from his thoughts, from the pain. Harry wasn’t stupid, he knew him better than Louis thought. 

“Don’t be sorry...” 

Harry sat down on one of the chair around the table and pull on Louis’ arm softly, inviting him to sit down on his laps. Unlike what he expected, Louis did sat down slowly on his thighs. He was so light, he wasn’t heavier than a feather on his laps. Harry placed his palm on Louis’ back gently. He wished he could make it easier for him, easier to breathe, easier to go on with life. It was almost like he could feel the pain running down his body through his fingers. He knew it was there, somewhere. It was so close why couldn’t he simply take it away? He heard Louis sob silently and it broke his heart a bit. He sighed and pressed the young boy against him, Louis burying his face in the crook of his neck. Louis wondered why he was the one who was lucky enough to get to be held by Harry. Why Harry still supported him after he showed up drunk at his house when he was all alone, why he was letting him cry on his shoulder. Louis didn’t deserve him, he didn’t deserve to be supported and protected like that. He was older, he was the one who should hold Harry.

“I know, Lou. I know...” Harry whispered against the boy’s hair. “I’m here, everything is going to be okay.”

And Louis let the tears roll and run down his cheeks, dropping onto Harry’s bare chest. When the younger boy tightened his embrace around him, Louis could feel their heart beat one against the other. He liked the feeling, the feeling of their heart dancing together. It was soothing. Harry kissed his cheek gently, just next to his ear before whispering:

“I am here for you, now. I won’t leave, I promise.” 

Harry knew exactly what the boy needed to hear and that was almost scary to Louis. Because if he knew what he needed to feel safe, than he also had the words to break him with a click of fingers. He was able to say things that would make him collapse, so hard that he wouldn’t be able to get back on his feet.

“Never?” Louis asked. 

He sounded like a child and it made him feel even smaller in Harry’s arms. Strangely, he loved it. He liked how small he suddenly felt in Harry’s embrace. 

“ _Never!_ ” 

Louis moved away softly, wiping his cheeks with the sleeve of Harry’s sweatshirt and sniffing a bit. Harry’s fingers were locked around his hips and he didn’t mind for once. He leaned on and pecked the boy’s plump and pink lips gently. The sun was piercing through the half opened shutters, brushing Harry’s slightly tan skin. But also sparkling onto his green eyes. They were so stunning, shining so beautifully. No matter if they seemed lost somewhere through Louis’ body, they were such a piece of art. Harry raised his head a bit more, calling for the older boy’s lips, his hot minty breathe stroking his cold face. Louis locked their lips again into a soft kiss. None of them wanted to move away, none of them wanted to break this moment. It was so soothing for Louis and so reassuring for Harry. 

“Hello baby!” Anne’s voice emerged in the silence as the door creaked open. 

Louis jumped off Harry’s laps and walked away to another chair, silently begging that none of them had seen what was going on. Gemma closed the door behind them and smiled at them while Anne was frowning. 

“Oh, Louis, you’re here! How are you?” she asked, smiling softly and breaking the frown that was deforming her beautiful face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there ! How is your day going ? Good I hope!!   
> So yeah here's the new chapter and I hope all of you liked it?   
> I am happy I can write or draw to take my mind away from the cruelty going on in this world lately... It just helps me focus on something I like...   
> I hope all of you are safe.   
> Thanks for reading :)  
> Love you, take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	22. Chapter 22

# STRONGER OR WEAKER

**_August 23rd_ **

Louis cried in the shower that night. It wasn’t the first time, he had cried a lot in the shower before. But this time it felt different. He didn’t really know why or how. It just felt more violent, more painful. It lasted a longer time, probably an hour where his tears were being mixed with the water falling from the shower head. It wasn’t cold water this time. He was too frozen and he couldn’t bring himself to stand under cold water. He would have fainted. The heat of the shower had made Louis even more tired than he already was, and maybe it was the tiredness that brought tears to his shiny blue eyes. Maybe he didn’t feel strong enough to fight them back this time. So he just let them roll down his already wet cheeks, trying his best not to sob too loud. The pain was strong and he couldn’t escape it. Why? Why did he have to feel like this? Why couldn’t he get some rest from all of that pain kicking at his heart over and over again? He was exhausted. Exhausted from trying to live with all that heavy weight on his chest. It felt like crushing his lungs and quickly, he found himself pressing his trembling hands against the mosaic tiles of the shower wall. Pushing strongly as he tried to breathe in. Maybe it was how hard he wanted to keep his sobs inside, maybe that was how hard he was contracting his chest so he wouldn’t do any sound. He simply didn’t want to alarm anyone. If they heard him cry, they would just burst in to try and find what was wrong. But there was nothing wrong. He just felt broken. Like he wasn’t really there anymore. Maybe he was somewhere else, so far away. He wanted to. He wanted to be able to cry loudly wherever he was and just let the pain go with his tears. But he couldn’t. Not here, not while his sister was in the next room. So he pressed his palm against his mouth as he let his back slide down the wall slowly. His bottom met the floor suddenly and he flinched a bit, pressing onto his lips harder with his hand. The violent tears streaming down his face and the pain running through his veins were making his body shutter under the water. He wished he had the ability to turn his feelings off, he wouldn’t have to worry about drowning in the shower because he couldn’t catch his breath through his tears. He wished everything was different. When did it all go wrong? When did his life take a turn for the worst? He couldn’t remember exactly. He couldn’t even tell why it went so far that he was unable to stand up and stop crying. Louis wanted to re-write his story, his life from the start. But what would he even change if he didn’t know why he was feeling so stupid and disgusting, why he felt like dying. He couldn’t change anything because he had no idea when the sun had stopped warming and lightening his life. It felt so sudden. So annoying, so upsetting and painful. And suddenly, it was too much. His eyes were burning too much, his chest seemed too heavy, his brain too fucked-up. He was fighting so hard to hold onto hope and life but it felt like he was swimming against the tide. He was running out of strength. Louis was angry, angry with life, with himself. And it was simply too much for his shoulders. As he pulled strongly on his hair, he opened his mouth to scream but no sound was heard. His throat was knotted, on purpose. When he moved his fingers away from his hair, his scalp was throbbing in pain. His fist came to crash against the tiling of the wall in a muffed sound. He didn’t stop at one punch and kept hitting the wall with all his strength, he couldn’t keep it in anymore, the voice was screaming too loud, the blades were slashing his flesh too deep. He couldn’t run away from himself. There were no proper way-out to escape his mind. But once his knuckles started throbbing in pain, Louis’ attention focused on it. He stayed there for a while, sitting on the tiling, his body weak and aching. The water hadn’t stopped and it kept falling on his pale naked body, flattening his hair against his forehead. As he leant against the wet wall, his spine ached against the hard tiles, he felt like he could fall asleep. His eyelids were heavy and he simply felt too weak to stand up on his feet and leave the shower. So he stayed there for a while, his eyes closed and his fists tight against his stomach. He had brought his knees up to his chest and an arm wrapped around them, holding them closer.   
He stood up when Lottie screamed at the door, about 30 minutes later, yelling at him for using so much water. And for a second, it seemed impossible, his legs were trembling, his eyes were burning and his whole body seemed heavier than ever. He simply turned the water off and wrapped a long white towel around his hips, whining a bit in pain as he used the hand he was punching the wall with, minutes ago. He slowly walked to his bedroom, holding himself carefully on furnitures and walls. Louis let himself collapse on his bed, laying his hurt hand flat on his bare chest. After a while, as he felt sleep hitting him gently, he took off the towel and laid under the cover naked. 

 

The next day, Louis had spent the day looking after his siblings. Dan was at work and Johannah was starting a new job as a nurse at the hospital. Even though she was a bit scared of working again and leaving the children behind her, she was also excited about it. She missed it a lot, having co-workers, talking to other women about life and other things. When Louis was at college, and the girls at school, she had to look after the babies. Don’t get her wrong, she absolutely loved it, she couldn’t get enough of their cute laughters and their happy smiles. But sometimes, she was a bit bored. Not every women would go back to baby nappies after 8 years. But even if it was not originally planned, she was glad to have them. And she was really thankful for Louis to stand by her side and help her as soon as he could. But now, she wouldn’t only feel like a mother, but an independent woman as well. She had missed work. Johannah had been looking for a post at the hospital for several months before finally hearing about the one she got. It was a bit far, 1 hour and 30 minute from the house, but she didn’t really mind. Now it was near 5:30 pm and Louis’ mother was about to come home from her 10 hours shift. Louis put the spin mop and the bucket back in the hallway closet and walked back to the living room. He cheered a bit as he observed Ernest and Doris tidying their toys in the wooden chest next to the TV. They laughed and applauded as they ran toward him. 

“Good job!” he said as he squatted and gave them a kiss.   
“Mummy?” Ernest said with a smile, his light blond curls falling a bit on his forehead.   
“She’ll be home soon, baby.”

The little boy wrapped his arms around his older brother’s neck and Louis hugged him back and stood up. Louis had cleaned up the whole house as he waited for his mother. He knew it was probably an exciting day for her, but he also assumed it had been quite exhausting. The last thing she would want to do once she would be home, would be to clean up her children’s mess. So he had insisted for the girls to clean their rooms. He had tidied the younger twins’ room with them. Louis had put on some music so all three of them tidied while dancing. It seemed like it was a game for them, they almost enjoyed it too much and demanded more. So as Louis had cleaned the floor, they had tidied their toys. The twins were dancing around, no matter if it looked more like they were trying to perform a show and Louis was sitting on the floor, looking at them with a smile. They were shining, they were innocent and happy and he wished they could stay like that forever. He didn’t want them to grow up and realise how sad and ugly the world they lived in could be sometimes. He just wanted them to keep having fun like this, being so carefree. Ernest was holding the remote between his fingers and was shooting some words over Freddie Mercury’s voice, trying to imitate the singer he could see on the TV. Doris was simply turning around him, acting like she was flying and that simply looked hilarious from where Louis were sitting. The door opened when Ernest shouted _don’t stop me now_ and Johannah came in the house with her white blouse and pants on. Doris was the one to see her first and ran toward her mother, her arms opened and ready to hug her. 

“Hello honey!” she said happily. 

The two boys walked up to her and Louis waited for the twins to end their hug to take his mother into his arms. They talked a bit about her day, how it was to go back to work after many years. And after a while, Louis asked her if he could go to Harry’s house. Although he didn’t really need to ask and she wouldn’t see any problem with him going, he simply wanted to make sure she didn’t mind him leaving after she just came home. But she didn’t, she liked the idea of Louis spending time with Harry and helping him, he was a great boy.   
When Louis entered the house after Gemma had let him in, he still felt ashamed. Harry had told him _everything_ he had done. Well, he was pretty sure he was still hiding some things from him. Some things he didn’t want him to know because he knew how he was and he knew how bad he would feel. But Louis simply acted like he believed him. He didn’t really know how he was supposed to act, he wanted to make it up to him. He wanted Harry to forgive him, no matter if he said it wasn’t important and that was okay. Because it was not. It was so far from being okay and he knew it too well. He just wanted to do something special for Harry, something that would make him happy. Maybe something that would make him forget that night. He had been a burden to the boy He had been what he had never wanted to be to anyone. He hated this feeling. He climbed the stairs slowly and once he reached the floor, he could hear some music escaping Harry’s room. He knocked, his hands were trembling a bit from the anxiety running down his body. He opened the door slowly after Harry had screamed him to come in. Harry was laying down on his stomach, his curls were pulled back with a large headband wrapped around his head. He had a book in front of him and was brushing the paper with his fingers. He was frowning and looked deeply focus on what he was trying to do. Louis could just sit on the ground and watch Harry work for hours, he simply looked adorable.

“Hi!” Louis said gently. 

He didn’t know if Harry heard with the loud music coming from the stereo. But he might have because he invited Louis to come closer with his hand. Louis walked slowly toward the boy. His eyes slid on Harry’s body for a moment, he didn’t even realise until they fall down onto his bottom, hidden in a tight pair of black jeans. They were showing off the curves of his body so much that Louis thought such a figure should be forbidden. Looking at him in such a way was double-edged. Indeed, as much as he loved Harry’s incredible body, Louis also hated it for being so attractive. He would always feel so self-conscious compared to him. 

“Hi...” he repeated, his cheeks burning. 

Harry smiled a bit above the book, still brushing his fingers against the paper with attention. Louis stood there, he didn’t move, he was cracking his knuckles and chewing on the inside of his cheeks nervously. He didn’t know what to do or if he was supposed to do anything. After a moment of silence, Harry closed the book and pushed it away before rolling and laying onto his back.

“Hey!”

Harry lifted his hand from the bed and waited for Louis so slide his hand against his palm. It didn’t come though. Louis looked at his own bruised hand, the skin on his knuckles was blueish with a bit of purple, it hurt. He could barely form a fist and he didn’t really want to try either. So Harry sat up a bit and wiggled his fingers in the air until they met the fabric of Louis’ top. They wrapped around it and pulled on it gently, stretching his other arm as he offered his chest for Louis to rest on. 

“Come here.” he said. 

When Harry pulled a bit stronger on Louis’ shirt, the older boy fell onto him, using his hands on each side of his body not to hurt him. He flinched and whined a bit as his aching hand crashed onto the mattress. Harry’s arms quickly wrapped around Louis’ tiny skinny waist and held him closer. The blue eyed boy rolled on the side so he wouldn’t completely rest on him. It was almost scary how uncomfortable he could feel around Harry, it wasn’t that he hated those situation. It was mostly just the fact Harry seemed to love holding and touching Louis all the time. He used to be tactile with people, he loved cuddles and hugs but now it just felt too different. Unpleasant to be touched, no matter if it was his family, friends or Harry, it just didn’t feel good anymore. It made him want to cry. Again. He wondered how many times he had cried the last couple of months, because it seemed like it was the only thing he could do. He thought about college that was about to start again soon. How would he be able to just go to class and be seen by so many people, being surrounded by more than hundred of people without being able to hide from their looks. He didn’t even feel like he was able to face it. But he knew he didn’t have a choice, he had to go to college.   
When Harry tightened his embrace around his thin waist, it was almost painful, Louis’ ribs were aching under Harry’s arms. He didn’t say anything though, he kept his mouth shut, his face hidden in the crook of Harry’s shoulder. The younger boy didn’t feel like he could ever get too close to Louis, his body was so skinny. Under his hands, it seemed like he was skinnier and skinnier every time he placed his hands on him. It was scary. He wished he could help, he wished he could take Louis to a restaurant and look at him eat his meal. He would never take his eyes away from the boy, making sure he was feeding himself. But he couldn’t. And he would never be able to see if Louis was okay. Under his fingertips, Louis felt tiny, but it was not cute anymore. It was scary. Harry feared for his health. Should he talk about it? He knew Louis would probably just deny everything. He would claim he feels great, eat a lot and sleep enough. But now Harry knew. He knew it was all lies. 

“So, how are you feeling?” Harry whispered, hesitantly. 

Louis put his palm over Harry’s chest, feeling his heart beat slightly against his skin. His eyes were closed and he could smell the boy’s perfume tickling his nostrils. He moved his nose closer to Harry’s skin, rubbing it against his neck gently. 

“I’m feeling good!” he lied, mumbling. 

Harry knew the truth but he forced a smile on his face as he kissed Louis’ forehead gently, secretly comforting the boy no matter if Louis didn’t know it himself. Because he was there. No matter what, he would be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! How are you all feeling today ? Great, I hope!!  
> How was your week? How are the summer break going for those who finished school already ?   
> So here is the 22nd chapter!   
> There was not much larry in this, sorry about that! But I promise there will be more in the next one!   
> So I hope you all liked it!   
> Thanks for reading :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	23. Chapter 23

# HIDE YOUR FEELINGS

_**August 29th** _

His heart was beating faster in his chest, it was so fast and violent behind his ribcage it was getting painful. He was out of breath, his lungs were heavy and his throat was burning. Droplets of sweat was dripping quickly down his back to die on the waist of his sweatpants. He brought his wrist to his forehead to wipe the burning sweat with his sleeve. Louis felt like his empty stomach was bouncing in his body as he kept running under the stifling sun. It was a hot day. One of those Louis hated so much. His body was exhausted, his legs were burning, his chest was heavy, his head was throbbing in pain and it was hard to keep his eyes opened. But he continued. He didn’t want to stop, he knew he shouldn’t. He had to go through this if he wanted to sculpt the body he needed. No matter if he felt like he was about to pass out. He was a bit away from the town and no one would see him if he collapsed. No one would know where to find him. Would he even want to be found? Louis felt like he wasn’t who he used to be anymore. He wasn’t helpful nor the useful child anymore, he was a heavy burden on his friends’ and family’s shoulders. Maybe they would all feel so much better without him.  
When he came home, he threw his keys in the bowl on the brown shoe cabinet. He locked the door behind him before walking up to the kitchen quickly. He took a bottle of water from the fridge and drank a bit of it. It felt good as the cold water ran down his burning throat. He could feel the droplets of sweat stream down his back as he climbed the stairs. He took off his sweater as he came into his room and threw it on the bed, kicking his shoes off his feet onto the corner of the room. He started to untie the laces holding the sweatpants tight against his bony hips. Tonight was Liam’s birthday party. Liam had invited Harry as well and Louis was nervous. He knew they would have to act like they were nothing more than platonic friends. He knew he would probably want to take his hand and stroke it, or dance with him, kiss him. But he wouldn’t be able to. He had warned Harry already. Even though the boy knew Louis’ decision and his choice about not telling anyone, Louis was nervous. He could forget, forget there were people all around, forget they were not in their personal secret bubble. He couldn’t imagine how his friends would react. They could turn their back to them, think back about their sleepover and imagine ridiculous things. No matter if Zayn had told him it was not a problem, he thought differently. He trusted Zayn, he knew he wouldn’t have told anyone because Louis didn’t feel like letting them know yet. He supported him. He wasn’t confident talking with him about Harry though. He didn’t know if he would ever feel confident talking about his homosexual relationship with anyone. Sometimes, when he was all alone with Harry at his house, he would be scared of someone bursting into the room and catching them. He had already wondered how he would react if it happened, but he didn’t really know. He would be shocked and scared, terrified even. He would probably try to create some ridiculous excuses that no one would ever believe in.  
The party would take place at Liam’s flat, Sophia had recently moved in with him and he was really happy for them. There would be a lot of people, probably some Louis had never met before. It was stressful. He wanted to look good, no matter if he knew he would feel the ugliest surrounded by all those guys. Leaving his house and hanging out with people had turned out to be really hard to do recently. He just didn’t feel like he could face the world, talk to people about everything. He felt guilty and he would hate himself when Liam would ask him to hang out and he would decline the offer. He was a good friend and he knew he wouldn’t turn his back on him or get mad at Louis for this, but he felt like he was letting his friend down, he wasn’t really there for him anymore. So when Liam sent him a text telling him there were a party for his birthday, he had hesitated. He didn’t know how he would feel. He knew he would compare himself to the other guests and see how better they were. But when Harry got the invitation – God knows where Liam got his phone number – he begged Louis to go. He wanted Louis to go out and try to have fun, he wanted him to forget the pain he was facing, to focus of the little happiness he could get. It had been hard to convince him though. He had put a lot of effort on it. He had promised to never leave his side, not to leave him all alone, he had promised he wouldn’t do anything that would make people think they had “a thing”. Maybe Louis only accepted for him, maybe he simply wanted to make him happy. He liked seeing Harry smile, the little shining stars in his green eyes. So he said yes. They had to leave for Liam’s apartment at 8pm. It was almost 6pm and Louis’ family were dining at some of Dan’s friends. He grabbed the towel and tied it around his waist before walking back to his room. He wasn’t sure what to wear. He knew he wouldn’t look half as good as Harry. No matter if many girls would find him attractive, he didn’t feel like he was. Next to Harry, he looked ridiculous. Harry could wear a pair of pants made of a trash bag and he would still look amazing. So Louis felt stupid as he threw many pairs of jeans out of his wardrobe onto the bed. They were all pretty similar, dark and supposedly – not anymore – tight. He tried on many outfit, button up shirt and dark blue jeans, black tee-shirt and black jeans. After a while, Louis gave up. Nothing looked good and he just thought nothing would ever look good on him anymore. His eyes were burning as he looked one last time at his reflection. If someone could look at his eyes at this moment, not just see them, but observe them, they would see all the pain. The flow of hate going through his soul as he retained the tears in front of the mirror. He was wearing a simple black pair of jeans, he had rolled them up onto his bony ankles, hid the belt – that stopped it from sliding down his legs – under a white shirt with some black graffiti on it. He had slid on a pair of white Adidas socks and his black vans. He had sprayed deodorant on his chest before putting a large denim jacket on. When he heard the door bell ring he took a quick look at his phone, there were 20 minutes left. He went to open the door and Harry was smiling, showing off his dimples. Gemma smiled at Louis, she unlocked her arm from her brother’s one. 

“Have fun, but don’t do any mistake and don’t drink too much Harry.” 

Harry frowned and turned his head toward her before shaking his head. He had tied a dark green headband scarf around his head and the brown curls flew around it a bit as he shook his head. It was angelic and Louis let his eyes fall back onto his feet. 

“I don’t even like alcohol.” Harry smiled. 

Gemma smiled before kissing his cheek gently and taking him into a long embrace. She waved at Louis as she walked back to her house as he pulled Harry inside the house. As soon as he heard the door close behind him, Harry wrapped his arms around the smaller boy’s face. Louis tensed a bit in between his arms.  
He wanted to stay home, wanted to hide into his bed in his favourite Adidas hoodie all alone. He wanted to sleep for the rest of the evening without any music blasting into his ears or any hands around his waist. He wanted to lay in the silence and darkness. But he promised Harry they would go. Now it was too late to say no, Harry, Liam and everyone would hate him. He sighed silently as he escaped Harry’s hands and offered him a drink he refused. They stayed in the silence for a while. Harry didn’t know if he should say anything, he was pretty sure Louis wanted him to stay quiet. So he did. He did until Louis took his hands and decided they could leave a bit earlier. He grabbed the box holding the present they had bought to Liam and they left the house. Louis made sure to turn every light off and locked the door behind him. He helped the younger boy to climb into his dark grey Ford Ranger and started the car up. The engine vroomed loudly. Louis turned his playlist on to break the heavy silence and _The Police_ started singing through the speakers. As Louis drove them to Liam’s place, he could hear Harry humming the song softly. They needed to drive for about ten minutes to get to the party. After a while, Louis was drowning in anxiety and guilt. He hated treating Harry like that. He seemed like he wanted to do so much for him and Louis didn’t feel like he was thanking him enough. Louis hated himself for that. He hesitated a bit before sliding his hand onto Harry’s knee, who flinched a bit of surprise, brushing his skin through the hole of his jeans. 

“I am sorry… I wish I was better for you. You deserve the best Harry.” Louis said softly, stroking Harry’s tan skin gently.  
“You’re the best though. I only need you. I just want you to see it. To see what I feel.” Harry answered as he placed his palm over Louis’ hand. 

Louis was grateful the pain in his knuckles had decreased for a couple of days now, it was still a bit bruised, but it was way better. He also wished he could believe Harry, he wished he could bring himself to believe what the boy said. But he didn’t. He was so far from thinking he was the one for him. The fact was, Harry, deprived of his eyesight, was able to see more in Louis than the boy would ever be able to see in himself. Harry was able to see into Louis’ soul, no matter if it was broken. Louis was a beautiful person. They didn’t share much more words, and the younger boy knew Louis didn’t believe him. He always needed to be better, always better, but he was already what Harry had dreamt of. Louis pulled over on the parking lot in front of the building. Harry held onto Louis’ elbow as they crossed the street. Louis didn’t want to come inside the building, he didn’t want to tape the 4 numbers code he already knew to open the door. He didn’t want to enter the elevator and face the huge mirrors as they flew up to the 4th floor. When the doors opened on the long and clear hallway, Harry slid his hand into Louis’ and they intertwined their fingers together. 

“If you really want to go home, we can go back to your house...” Harry said as they walked slowly to the Apartment n°421.  
“You want to party, we’re going to party!” Louis smiled as he kissed Harry’s cheeks softly. 

Louis let Harry’s hand go before knocking to the door carefully. Harry wished he could come into the apartment while holding his boyfriend’s hand, he wished he could go and no one would see anything wrong with it. He wished Louis wasn’t scared of getting hate from his own friends. It would be so much easier, so much better to walk into the place and show who they truly were. Partying while hiding something that became so natural to him would be hard. But he would do his best, because that was what Louis wanted and needed for now. The door opened and Liam smiled widely at them, he had a can of beer in his hand. Maybe they left earlier, but they were not the first to arrive. Liam held the door to let them in before taking them into a quick hug. 

“Happy birthday!” Louis said into his ear, patting his shoulder gently and handing him the box badly wrapped in some blue paper.

Liam thanked him and closed the door with a smile. Louis turned around to look over the people dancing already, he was pretty sure he knew barely anyone there. He didn’t really want to be there. He felt guilty and awful just thinking about it. He should want to be at a party with his best friend for his birthday. He should feel grateful and happy about having such amazing friends, who were always there for him. But he didn’t. And that was hard. Hard to realise how everything had changed, how much he had changed. Louis wanted everything to be the same. Would it ever be back to normal? He doubted it. What if one day Liam or Zayn would turn their back on him? What if they would get tired of him and his _laziness_. Because that was what everyone thought, right? He was just lazy. What if he wasn’t? What if it was simply too much for him? He didn’t feel like he had enough strength to go outside and face people, face the world. He couldn’t find any interest or bright side on anything he did. He just wanted to lay down and forget everything. But he couldn’t do this here. Not now. 

“Hey, you’re here Louis!” Zayn popped out from the little crowd. 

The boy wrapped his arms around Louis and patted his back softly. When he moved away he looked at Harry and smiled. 

“Hey Harry, you came!” 

Harry smiled and raised his glasses back onto his nose. Maybe he started feeling confident with Louis looking at his eyes. But he still needed to cover them, he felt safer hidden behind his glasses. They were his armour. It had became something he needed when he left the house. Zayn smiled back at Louis and raised an eyebrow. The older boy felt his cheek burn and rolled his eyes, hitting his friend’s chest gently and mouthing him to shut up. Zayn sent him a wink before walking away. Louis shook his head and looked at Harry standing next to him. 

“Should we get some drink?” he asked in a whisper against the boy’s ear. 

When he nodded and grabbed Louis’ elbow, they started walking carefully toward the kitchen. The apartment wasn’t too small, honestly, it was pretty much perfect for Liam and Sophia’s first apartment as a couple. It was a big step in the adult world. Even though Liam had lived without his family for a while, with Zayn or on his own, Sophia moving in with him was a big change. They were scared it would break something. Make things too different. 

“What do you want to drink?” he asked as they stopped in front of the table.  
“Soda?” 

Louis poured some soda in a plastic cup, he took Harry’s hand gently and let him wrap his fingers around the cup. He then took a can of beer from the fridge and opened it before drinking a bit from it. Louis didn’t really know how to party anymore. He used to party a lot with Zayn and Liam. They used to go to a lot of party, no matter who was throwing them, they just liked to have fun and meet new people. Usually Tamara was the one to choose his outfit, she would make him change several times and control what he was drinking. Usually, he was allowed two or three beers, not more. No vodka, whisky or any strong alcohol. He would dance with her all night until she was tired and asked to go back home. Now it was different. She used to take all the decisions for him, not that he needed her to. She just needed to control him and now he was a bit lost. He couldn’t dance with Harry in front of everyone. He knew they couldn’t sleep there so he would have to drive back to their places, he couldn’t drink much. Harry himself didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He used to only hang out with Niall. There were not many people who knew them. Not many who would invite them to any party. So that was mostly just the two of them.

“Hey, Louis!” a girl with long straight blond hair walked up to him.  
“Hannah..” he remembered her from high school. 

Tamara and Hannah used to be best friend in high school. They were always together. But one day, they suddenly were the worst enemies. He never knew why, she simply didn’t want to tell him. The girl leaned on him and hugged him gently, he frowned as he felt her fingers slide down his arm slowly. 

“So, I heard you and Tamara broke up?” 

Louis raised an eyebrow, surprised. He hadn’t really talked about it to anyone. Simply because there wasn’t anything to say. It had happened, that’s all. And he didn’t really want to talk about his old relationship when he just wanted to move on. No matter if Louis felt he had moved on already, he also knew it would take time to forget everything she had said to him over the years. Tamara wasn’t a mean person, and he knew it. He felt like he was overreacting. But every little thing she had said or done that would have been _nothing_ to someone else, had been piled up and weighed heavily onto his chest until it crashed his heart. 

“Yeah...” he answered, hesitantly. 

She smiled at him and he felt uncomfortable under her blue eyes. She was pretty tall and thin, she was wearing a tight light pink velvet dress. She slid her tongue between her lips slowly and she looked at him through a dark lashes. He stopped himself from rolling his eyes. 

“I guess you found some new girl already?” she asked, bringing her dark red nails to her glossy lips.

Louis frowned and shook his head. He could feel the lump in his throat as he took a look at Harry drinking from his cup. He wondered what would happened if he said something about him. Something like _no, I found a boy_. What would she say? How would she react? Telling everyone, probably. She wouldn’t forget to tell Tamara and Louis’ friends. Louis Tomlinson was dating a guy. But he wasn’t ready to find out yet. He wasn’t ready to feel people’s eyes on him, feeling them judging him. Would he ever be ready though? He felt like this moment would never come. He couldn’t imagine his mum inviting Harry over and asking embarrassing questions. He couldn’t imagine Liam’s eyes on him, full of stupid questions about what Louis was thinking when he had slept over. Hannah’s hand on his biceps snatched him away from his thoughts.

“How is it possible? Look at you!” she smiled cheekily. 

He hated this situation. She looked ridiculous fluttering her lashes and licking her lips. She was pretty, yes, she was. Standing there alone, yes, she looked cute. Next to Harry? She would be invisible. He simply shrugged and forced a smile on his lips before taking a sip of his beer. 

“Are you into someone?” she said again. 

He wanted to sigh loudly, make her realise he didn’t want her there, but he stopped himself. He wanted to be nice. She wasn’t being mean and he didn’t want to be rude, she didn’t deserve it. She was just being a bit annoying. She probably didn’t realise it herself. He took a discreet look at Harry who was standing next to him, his head lowered toward his cup. Some of his curls were falling across his face. He discreetly slid his hand on the table against which they were both leaning on and stroke his back over his white sheer shirt. It wasn’t sheer enough for people to see his skin through it, and secretly, Louis was glad it wasn’t. Maybe it was jealousy kicking in. Maybe he didn’t want anyone to look at Harry’s perfect sculpted chest. He felt like Harry didn’t feel well, he looked like he was trying to be as small as a mouse. After all, he was denying their relationship to some girl he hadn’t seen in years. 

“Maybe I am.” Louis answered, smiling. 

He was. He was so into Harry that he wondered if it was even allowed or healthy. And he was pretty sure it wasn’t. Something in his chest would burn each time he looked at Harry. Maybe Hannah thought she was the one Louis was talking about because her lips stretched in a strange way and she looked down to the ground. 

“Do you want to dance?” 

Louis looked at Harry, not hiding this time and decided he could use him to get himself out of this situation. He had never been much of a dancer, ever. He didn’t really have any choice when it was about Tamara. But now he had the choice. Would he really go dance with her and leave his boyfriend behind? And even if Harry wasn’t his boyfriend, he wouldn’t. 

“I am sorry, but my friend here wanted me to show him the bathroom, so I should really go.”  
“Can’t anyone else show him?”  
“They’re busy.”  
“But...”  
“I am going to explode if he doesn’t show me now, sorry love.” Harry answered, his ton cold and almost rude. 

The older boy lowered his head to hide his amused smile from witnessing Harry’s little jealousy. Harry had grabbed his elbow and waited for Louis to walk and lead him wherever he wanted, as long as they were away from the unknown girl. He agreed on hiding this relationship and keeping his mouth shut about what was going on between the two of them. He did it on his own. But he wasn’t sure standing there and listening to someone hitting on Louis was written on the contract. So when Louis dragged him somewhere through the apartment and opened a door, he kept silent. He wasn’t angry, maybe just a bit disappointed. He wished it was different. No matter if he was personally ready to tell everyone that he was kissing Louis in the dark when no one was watching, he knew Louis wasn’t. And he would never force him to do anything. Harry heard the door close but he stood there motionless, his arms crossed over his chest. He wondered if he was there alone as he couldn’t hear anything but his own breathing. 

“Are you sulking?” Louis broke the silence. 

He had dragged Harry to the bathroom, unlike his bathroom, it was tiny. He had turned the light on to see Harry standing there, silent and his arms crossed on his chest. Was he angry? Harry kept silent and simply sighed loudly. Louis pinched his lips and slid his hands on Harry’s sides. 

“Are you?” he asked again. 

Harry uncrossed his arms to raised his glasses back on the top of his nose. The older boy came closer, sliding his hand on Harry’s back. 

“Are you pouting?” he questioned as he stroke his nose against Harry’s cheek. “Don’t, please.” he added before kissing his cheek gently. 

Confronted by his heavy silence, Louis kept kissing Harry’s cheek. He let his lips leave kisses down his jaw until they fell onto the boy’s neck. He covered it with kisses, pressing his lips heavier against the vein that was popping out under his soft skin across his neck. It was still silent apart from Harry’s breathing and he slid his fingers under Harry’s shirt. His skin was hot and Louis’ fingers were frozen, that was probably what made Harry jumped of surprised. Louis laughed softly against his skin when he felt the younger boy wrap his arms around him. He stopped kissing and simply rested his chin on his shoulder, breathing in Harry’s delicious perfume.

“I am sorry.” Louis whispered into his ear.  
“I agreed on this, don’t be sorry.” Harry murmured as he brushed Louis’ hair carefully. 

Louis sighed against his neck. Sometimes, he knew Harry deserved better. He knew he shouldn’t ask him to hide who he was. This wasn’t only about Louis this time. It wasn’t a decision that only affected him. And he felt awfully selfish suddenly. Why should he control Harry just like Tamara used to control him? He was stopping him from being himself publicly. But at the same time, he couldn’t do anything else. He didn’t want anyone to know about what happened. He was scared. Not ready. He had dated a girl, a popular girl, for a couple of years. What would people think of him? How would they feel seeing him with a boy after they had seen him with the same girl for such a long time? He already felt bad as an individual, felt so scared of people judging him. He didn’t feel like adding to the list of the things he was scared of being judged about. Trapped, that’s how he felt. Trapped.

“Would you prefer if people knew?” Louis asked, moving away a bit to observe his face. 

Harry lowered his head and he didn’t need to say anything for Louis to understand. Yes. He would prefer if people knew. He would prefer not to hide in the toilet to hold Louis secretly like they were doing something illegal. He would prefer leaving this room holding his hand and dancing with him. 

“Aren’t you scared of what people would say?”  
“I am already scared of what they think of me now, the way I am, compared to that, I couldn’t give a damn of what they think of me dating a boy. Do you truly think Liam or Zayn would judge you for that? For dating me? Don’t you think they love you enough not to care if you’re gay or not?”  
“I am not gay though!” 

Harry raised an eyebrow and grabbed Louis’ hand that was still on his waist, and stroke it softly with his thumbs. He smiled a bit but bit his lip to try and hide it although Louis had caught it already. 

“No matter if you are or not. That’s what you’re scared of, right? Being judged for being more than my friend. I don’t think you should… I may not know your friends that much, that’s true, but I do know they love you a lot, and they wouldn’t turn their back on you for such a thing. And your family? They’re freaking amazing, they would love you the same!”

Harry knew everything he said wouldn’t really count. He knew Louis had his own idea of how chaotic his world would be if they knew they dated. He found it ridiculous. Zayn and Liam sounded like such amazing friends, just like Niall. And if Niall accepted it so easily, they would as well. He just knew it. And he wished Louis could realise his friends were real friends. He wished he could tell his mum, wished he could ramble about how great Louis was. He knew she couldn’t care less about her son dating a boy. Anne was an amazing mother, she had supported him through so much.

“I can’t do it, not now. I am sorry but I can’t…” Louis sighed. 

Harry heard his voice broke in a little sob and he pulled on his hand and their chest crashed one against the other. He wrapped his arms around him and stroke his back. Louis was still wearing his jacket and Harry wondered why. It was hot in the apartment, his skin was burning under his thin shirt. So Louis must be dying of heat wrapped in his jacket. 

“Then I’ll wait, as much as you want.” 

He kissed his cheek and felt his facial hairs tickle his lips. He raised his hands to his head and ran his fingertips across his face. Louis had closed his eyes and was holding onto Harry’s waist. 

“I could do that all night.” Harry whispered as he let his fingertips run over Louis’ eyelids and cheeks.

And Louis could as well. Just feel Harry’s hands run across his face. His soft and hot fingertips against his cold skin. They were the biggest contrast. Ice against fire. And they could both feel electricity. Their skins were made to meet.

“But we should go back to the party.” he said with a low voice, dropping his hands from Louis’ face.  
“Yes…” it was just a murmur in the silence. 

He wanted to stay there with Harry, hidden in the bathroom forever. But he couldn’t. 

“We’ll have to leave at 2am, I promised my mum, is it okay with you?” Louis asked as he opened the door.  
“Sure, can I sleep to your house?” Harry wrapped his fingers around Louis’ elbow, holding onto him as he lead him out of the bathroom.  
“Oh I am sure Louis has no problem with that!”

Harry flinched a bit as he heard Zayn’s voice next to him. For a moment, he felt almost scared. He didn’t want Zayn to be suspicious, Louis had made it clear he wasn’t ready. Louis’ silence scared him as well, he wanted him to speak, expected Louis to rush and make up some perfect excuses to hide the fact Harry simply wanted to spend the night with him. But he didn’t, he just heard him sigh and he thought he even heard him giggle silently. 

“Zayn, stop.” 

He didn’t know if he was annoyed or amused, he couldn’t really tell. His ton was perfectly neutral. Louis started walking again and as they walked away from Zayn, Harry could still catch the last words he sent them: _“Have fun boys.”_. Louis looked up to see Liam dancing with Sophia, they were both smiling widely to each other.  
For a while, they just sat on the couch, Louis watched as everyone was dancing and having fun. Harry drank soda and talked with Gigi. They got on well, surprisingly. They talked about random things really. He liked to listen to people. It was as simple as that. He could sit there and let her talk and he would simply enjoy listening. His thigh was pressed against Louis’. He was pretty sure Louis was doing it on purpose but he couldn’t mind less. He kept his attention on Gigi and tried to ignore the flames burning his leg each time Louis would move his knee and knocked it against Harry’s. He wanted to wrap his fingers around Louis’ thigh and pinch it, getting him to understand he needed to stop. But he retained himself and controlled the flames and butterflies flapping their wings in his stomach. _Focus on Gigi_ he repeated himself silently. He wondered if he was doing that to embarrass Harry or if it was thoughtless and innocent. He didn’t know and he couldn’t ask. 

“I am supposed to meet Zayn’s family next week...” Gigi said, a note of concern in her voice.  
“Are you nervous?” he asked quietly.  
“Is that even a question? I am terrified...” 

She ran a hand through her blond hair and looked up, trying to find Zayn in the crowd. It wasn’t long since they had been official. She was happy with him. Like most people, she had heard all the drama around his and Perrie’s relationship. Strangely, it had spread on miles and miles around. Perrie’s old friends had fun making sure lot of high schools knew about it, for some odd reasons. When Gigi had met him, she was sceptical. He looked amazing, he was handsome but she had heard about how cruel he had apparently acted with Perrie. She didn’t feel like being the next one to be heartbroken. But he was so nice, calm and maybe the fact he drew a breathtaking portrait of her carried weight on her choice of giving him a chance. For now, she hadn’t regretted this decision at all and she hopped she would never regret it. She trusted him with all her heart. 

“It’s going to be great, they’re going to love you! You’ve met his sister already, didn’t you?”

Harry knew one of Zayn’s sister lived with him so he was pretty certain they had met already. He understood that Gigi must be really nervous about meeting his family. He already knew Louis’ family, even though they believed he was only a friend to Louis. Would they act differently toward him if they knew who he was? Would things change? He felt like Phoebe and Daisy liked him, they liked to play with his hair when Louis wasn’t around. What if they didn’t like to anymore once they knew? Harry had thought about his own family, and he knew they would accept it. But what about Louis’ family, yes, they would accept Louis, what if they didn’t want Harry to be Louis’ boyfriend? 

“Yes, Waliyha! We go on well, but it doesn’t mean his mum is going to like me.”  
“She will! She wants her son to be happy, and I am sure she knows Zayn is happy with you!” he tried to comfort her. 

They kept on talking for a while until Gigi went to force Zayn to dance with her. It was around midnight already and he hadn’t heard Louis’ voice for a while, he had stayed sitting next to him and hadn’t moved at all. Harry wished Louis could have fun for once. He wished he could dance and enjoy the moment. But he simply stayed there. When Gigi left, Louis must have noticed because soon after, he started kicking Harry’s knee again. There was no Gigi to keep his mind away from it anymore and he simply focused on the electricity running up and down his leg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! How are you all doing ?  
> Are you excited about Louis' upcoming album and new song?  
> What did you think of Liam's music video, I personally loved it !  
> So here we go, another friday, another chapter :)  
> It was a bit longer than the previous ones but I hope you liked it!  
> Thanks very much for reading :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	24. Chapter 24

# FLAMES

_**August 30th** _

The little part of Earth the two boys were living on was plunged in total darkness when they arrived at Louis’s house. The blue eyed boy was being careful not to do any loud noise, scared of waking his family up. He struggled a bit to turn the key in the lock, he hadn’t drank much, the lock seemed to be the problem this time, not Louis. It took him a minute or two to open the door and he felt the weight of fear to be locked outside leave his chest. He held Harry’s hand and pulled on it, letting him walk inside. The older boy almost screamed when a violent light was thrown directly to his eyes. He tried to cover his face from the burning feeling to see who it was, but he was only able to take a look once the light had been turned off. He looked up and in the dark was standing Félicité, her hand over her chest she was breathing heavily.

“What the hell Fizzy?” he shouted in a whisper.  
“I didn’t know it was you, I thought it was some thief trying to break in! I am sorry!” 

That was only when she put the long and shining knife on the counter that he realised she had been holding it, ready to do God knows what to stop them. Louis shook his head, frowning. 

“If you think a thief is breaking in, don’t you think you should wake up Dan and mum?”  
“Well it is a good thing I didn’t, right? Since it was just you… and Harry?” 

Louis turned around, Harry was standing behind him, holding onto his denim jacket. 

“Hmm, hi.”  
“Oh yeah, Harry is sleeping over tonight.” Louis whispered. 

He was surprised no one had ran down the stairs yet. He knew for a fact none of them were heavy sleepers. He had stopped counting the times he had woken up Johannah while coming home from a drinking party with Zayn and Liam. And Johannah would scream at him for even thinking of driving in such a bad condition, lecturing him for a minute or so until she would forgive him, because he was a great son. But well, this time, Johannah seemed to sleep peacefully, not so scared about her son anymore. Maybe it was just the fact he had promised he would come home quite early. Maybe she trusted him. Maybe she knew that Louis partying wasn’t what she should be worried about anymore. Because there was something scarier, something more important and she needed energy to dare talk about it to her son.  
Louis noticed Félicité tried to hide a smile by biting her bottom lip and lowering her head a bit, but he brushed the thought away. 

“How was the party?” she asked as they started walking toward the stairs, ready to lay down and finally fall asleep.  
“Good, you should go to bed.” Louis said as he started climbing the stairs slowly, Harry holding his elbow and carefully putting his feet on each step. 

He heard her sighed but he guessed she simply went back to the sofa to watch TV. Félicité had many sleeping problem. She was usually kept awake by insomnia. Sometimes when Louis was kept awake as well, he would join her and they would watch a movie together. He felt bad for letting her down, but he was exhausted and Harry was there. He had stopped himself from touching Harry and kissing him all night. For hours, Harry had looked like the most beautiful person in the room. He had even danced a bit with Gigi and Sophia on some hits from the 80s. It was crazy how Harry could mix sexy and cute together and just slay the look perfectly. It was crazy how he would bounce a bit on his feet and his curls would just fly around perfectly, looking like a princess out of a Disney movie. But one minute after, he would swing his hips a bit and Louis would have to fight not to stare at his bum. Louis had never realised how bad he liked touching Harry. Most of the time, they found the perfect time to be alone. They would hide in Louis’ or Harry’s room, or they would go at Louis’ place when no one was there and they were sure no one would catch them cuddling lovingly on the sofa or the bed. The party had made things more realistic. Suddenly, Louis had been sitting on the couch, trying his best not to stretch his arm and lay his hand on Harry’s knee, just because he left like doing so. And he had realised. He had realised when they were in the same room without being able to touch, Louis was getting crazy. Harry’s whole body had suddenly looked hotter than ever, every little things he had done had suddenly looked almost cheeky, even with Harry’s innocent face. It could be the way he had danced or the way he had drank his soda with a straw. The way he had bit down on his lip as he listened carefully to people talking to him. Everything suddenly looked crazily attractive. Before the party, Harry looked simply beautiful and cute. Now Louis saw more than an innocent boy hiding adorably behind his glasses, he was more than cute and beautiful. He was hot. And it may seem nothing to someone else, but to Louis, it sounded crazy. Louis’ vision had changed on Harry. It didn’t only feel affection for him, but now there was some strong feeling of desire running through his body. He even wondered if he had ever really desired Tamara, because it was nothing compared to the feeling of need he had for Harry. The need to just strip him down and observe his stunning body. Just stare at his slightly tan skin and his abs, his muscles contracting under his skin and his whole Greek God figure.

When Louis opened the door of his bedroom for Harry to come in, it took him a minute or two to comprehend what was happening to him. Harry had pushed him against the now closed door, his palms on each sides of his head, preventing the older boy from moving away from him and he was kissing him fervently. There was more passion in this one kiss than in any other kisses they had shared in the past. It was burning their lips. Burning their faces. Harry seemed to be in some sort of crazy fever but Louis didn’t mind. As surprising as it was to him, he didn’t mind. He just stayed there, kissing the boy as ardently as Harry did. Sometimes, Louis would want to step closer and reverse their position but each time he tried, Harry would push him a bit to pin him back to the door, the back of his head hitting the wood in a somewhat loud noise. Louis wanted to feel Harry small in between his arms, he wanted to be the one holding him against the door, he was the one who wanted to have control simply because he was used to be in control. But Harry didn’t let him. He barely even allowed him to breathe when he broke the kiss, because it lasted a second before he crashed his plump lips against Louis’ thin ones again. Harry’s fervour was surprising to Louis. Harry liked to kiss and hold the older boy, but he never showed any more signs that would show he wanted more. His movement had always been slow, almost calculated. He had always waited a second to do something, to kiss Louis, to hold his hand, to stroke his skin, like he was thinking about what to do. This time, it seemed almost like a mess. After a while, Louis started to feel annoyed by Harry’s glasses that were hitting his face every now and then. With a quick movement, he grabbed the sunglasses off Harry’s nose and threw them on the side. They had almost forgot about everything all around them. No one was sleeping in the house. Félicité wasn’t watching TV, fully awake, downstairs. No, that was only the two of them in Louis’ dark room. All alone. Harry’s hands had dropped heavily on the smaller boy’s tiny waist, under his jacket, setting fire to his skin under the fabric of his top. It was almost like if Harry took his hands away, they would let red marks on Louis’ soft pale skin. It was not the fact he was holding tightly, it was just burning. The simple touch of Harry’s fingers on his waist engendered a delicious burning feeling on his sides. Would he even survive his kisses and touch? The curly-haired boy pulled Louis’ body closer, pressing their hips together and Louis stopped breathing for a moment. He had never been that close to Harry, or to any boy in general really. He had never felt any other boy’s crotch against his. His cheeks burnt suddenly, harder than ever and the flames set fire to his whole face. His face had probably turned beetroot. And he realised. He realised where he was and he realised his family was there, in the rooms around them. Harry must have noticed the lack of movement of Louis’ lips because he stopped kissing him, keeping their hips pressed together but pulling their faces apart. His heavy breath could be heard and the warm little wind escaping his mouth was stroking Louis’ face. 

“Louis? Are you okay?” he asked, trying to catch his breath.  
“I...” Louis started before taking Harry’s hands off his waist. “I think we should stop there...”

Louis was embarrassed, his face burning painfully as he moved away from his boyfriend’s body. He wasn’t used to be embarrassed about such things, like making out. He was used to be pretty secure with all of this. It was different from everything he did before though. So different it was scary. Harry was wearing pretty tight jeans and Louis had felt a bulge against his hips. Maybe that was what made him realise how real it was. Maybe that was when he realise that he was truly, genuinely, attracted and attached to a boy. A person with the same genitals as him. Maybe he was scared. After all, why did he suddenly feel so attracted to Harry when he had never felt like this about any other boy before? Why suddenly Harry seemed like the most beautiful person on Earth, no matter if he hadn’t seen every single person on the planet, deep down, he just knew Harry was the most beautiful human being. And it was scary. Scary how suddenly, the world seemed ridiculously tasteless. The sky was only blue when Harry was under it. The grass was only green when Harry was standing on it. And if Harry was to leave him? It would be the darkest world of all. And it was terrifying. Louis walked toward the bed, rubbing his face with his hands gently. What had happened to him? He felt trapped in his own feelings. He couldn’t leave, couldn’t escape because Harry’s name was graved on his heart already.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asked, turning around and lowering his head, embarrassed as well now. 

Did he do something wrong? Had he acted too eager and scared Louis? It had just been stronger than him, almost like he couldn’t control what he was doing. It had all started with Louis kicking his knee against Harry’s. Over and over again. At first, Gigi had been a good distraction to the flames setting his leg on fire, but when she had left him alone to the burning feeling, Harry had no other choice than to focus on it. If he was being honest, he truly thought Louis had done it on purpose. But after all, maybe he had done it with no ulterior motive, just because he wanted to.

“I am sorry, I thought you wanted to, I misunderstood, I am really sorry.” 

Harry didn’t plan on making love with Louis that night, not at all. He just wanted to make out a bit, getting a bit closer and running his hands across Louis’ body. He was definitely not ready to have sex with him. He was far from being ready. But he wanted to kiss him more passionately, he wanted to touch him a bit more eagerly. He wanted to discover Louis a bit more. The embarrassment made Harry want to turn around and go home, he didn’t want to be in the same room as Louis anymore. It felt weird, awkward. 

“Maybe I should go home...” he said suddenly. 

Louis took his hand gently and stroke the back of it with his thumbs. He wouldn’t let Harry go. Firstly, because he hated changing plans. But also because he refused to let Harry leave him after they had kissed like that. He knew Harry shouldn’t leave, it was not how it was supposed to go. 

“You can’t leave now, not after you gave me the best kiss I’ve ever received.” 

In the darkness of the room, he still managed to see Harry’s cheeks take a light colour of pink. He brought one of his hand to his cheek and stroke the hot skin softly. 

“I just don’t feel ready to get any further.” he explained with a lower voice.  
“But, I didn’t want to get further tonight either… I just wanted… to feel you closer, I am sorry if it made you uncomfortable, it wasn’t on purpose.” Harry said before trapping his bottom lip in between his teeth and chewing softly. 

It took them ten minutes or so to change into their pyjamas. It was getting cold and when Harry laid in Louis’ large bed with Louis’ pair of sweatpants on, he thought he really needed to get his own pyjamas the next time he was going to sleep there. Louis lifted the covers and climbed on the mattress. The light blue sheets were fresh out of the dryer and it smelled slightly like lavender. The fabric was extremely soft against his bare legs. He felt his spine crack almost painfully as he laid down and relaxed. His whole body was tense. He whined a bit of pain as he felt the tension leave his body and make his bones crack loudly. Louis rolled on his side to look at Harry, laying in the same position. His eyes were closed and for a moment he thought he was already asleep.

“Are you not scared?” Louis suddenly asked, in a whisper.  
“What do you mean, scared?” Harry mumbled, suddenly feeling exhausted.

He had started to really enjoy sleeping in Louis’ bed. Apart from Louis’ presence that was obviously one of the main reason for him to appreciate this bed so much, it was its comfort. As crazy as it could sound, Louis’ bed was the comfiest mattress he had ever laid on. He just felt like he was lying on a hard cloud. Harry felt like he could simply stay there forever and he wouldn’t need any food, it would just be perfection. And when Louis talked, then it was just even more perfect. He had the man he liked next to him, a comfy mattress under his body, and the silence. It wasn’t a heavy silence, just the lack of noise, it was quietness. 

“I mean, I am a boy.” 

Harry giggled a bit at Louis’ answer. The ton of his voice seemed hesitant, almost like he was telling Harry a shameful secret he was scared to be judged for. But it was not a secret. For no one because it was pretty much one of the most obvious thing, Louis was a boy, indeed. 

“Well, I know that.” he murmured with a smile, pressing his face in the soft pillow. 

Louis took a minute to think about what he was about to say. He didn’t really know how to put the words together to form whatever thought he wanted to express. There was a bit of fear, embarrassment and shame. He opened his mouth several times, trying to make the words roll onto his tongue and make his vocal cords vibrate to let the sounds escape his parted lips, in vain. 

“Tell me what’s on your mind.” Harry sighed slowly. 

When he was tired, his voice was getting even slower than it was already. It was almost like his organism was on slow motion. It was also deeper and Louis thought he could simply lay there all night and listen to him for hours, just because it was so soothing. Harry could tell the most boring story, with his voice, it would sound perfectly fascinating and he would never get enough. It was almost scary how dependant of Harry, Louis felt. 

“I just, it’s not the same as if it was with a girl.. Like, intimacy.”

The last word was barely audible, it was a muffled sound. The embarrassment running through Louis’ petite body was heavy on his chest and he had to breathe in longer, harder in hope to feel air fill his lungs and feed his brain with oxygen. If he had met Harry about two years ago, it would have been so different. Well, maybe Harry would have been a bit too young to talk about this subject in bed, he was pretty sure they wouldn’t be laying there if he was 16 and Harry still 14. But he would have been so much more confident, so much more outgoing and happy. He would have made Harry dance and he would have planned dates under the sunset next to the lake, just the two of them. It would have been different, if Tamara hadn’t been there, if Louis’ brain hadn’t taken everything to heart. 

“I didn’t get intimate with anyone Louis.” Harry whispered. 

If he wasn’t so tired, he would probably burn of embarrassment. Louis frowned as he focused back onto Harry’s tired face crashed on the white pillow. He was cute and Louis wondered if anyone could ever be cuter than Harry Styles, tired with his cheek squished against a pillow in the middle of the night. Louis felt almost proud to be with the cutest person out there. Damn, he was lucky. 

“You didn’t? But you had a girlfriend, I mean, before… us.” 

He knew he did. They had talked about it sometimes, not so often, just once or twice. Just like they had talked about Tamara. 

“I didn’t do anything with Carrie, didn’t feel like I wanted to. Now I know why.” 

The words Harry was trying his best to pronounces were muffled into the pillow and Louis smiled gently at how adorable it looked. Maybe that was what he was meant to do for the rest of his life? Lie there day and night, looking at the most pure and beautiful creation of the world. Because this was what Harry was. The most beautiful creature the world had ever engendered. And Louis was the one lying next to him. Wow.

“You’re gay?” Louis asked. 

No, in his mind, it didn’t sound stupid. No, to him, it wasn’t obvious. 

“And what do you think you are, cutie? Lying next to a boy just after letting him pin you to the door like a doll?” 

When Harry turned around and turned his back to Louis, bringing the cover up to his chin, Louis knew he wasn’t listening anymore. But even if he was, Louis wouldn’t have said anything, because he was speechless, literally. He had no idea what he was supposed to answer to that. Because, he was pretty sure he was not gay. He had liked spending time with Tamara, maybe at the end, he didn’t feel much desire for her anymore, but it didn’t mean anything, right? Many thing could have made him lose desire for her, as pretty and attractive she was. It didn’t mean anything. Also, he had made love with her, several time, so, if he was gay, could he have done that? Knowing she was a girl? He didn’t even know how it was supposed to work. Louis’ brain was on fire. And he barely got any sleep that one night, like many nights before and after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, how are you all feeling today? Good I hope!!  
> Have you listen to the acoustic version of Strip That Down?  
> This chapter isn't really long, much shorter than the previous one.  
> Sorry about that!  
> I still hope you liked it, don't hesitate on telling me what are your thoughts on it.  
> Thanks a lot for reading! :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	25. Chapter 25

# LOVE OF MY LIFE

**_September 3rd_ **

_Love of my life, don't leave me_  
_You've taken my love, you now desert me._

Louis took a quick look at the clock on the dashboard before putting his eyes back on the road, 8:02. He was driving at a perfect speed and they wouldn’t be late. The deep and strong feeling of anxiety was weighing heavily on his chest. He wiped his right hand on his new pair of jeans, trying to get rid of the sweat covering his red palm. He then did the same with his left hand. He was humming a bit of the song, thoughtlessly, although he was still being careful not to be be too loud, otherwise it would be awkward. He didn’t want this special evening to start with heavy awkwardness. He was impatient and scared at the same time. A pretty uncomfortable mix at the bottom of his stomach. 

_Love of my life, can't you see?_  
_Bring it back, bring it back_  
_Don't take it away from me because you don't know what it means to me._

Harry was sitting on the passenger seat next to Louis. His palms were sweating as well and he kept his hands flat on his thighs. Where was he going? How much time was left until they arrived. It already seemed like they had been on the road for an hour or so. Louis was silent, not many word had been exchanged and he had no other choice than focusing attentively on the songs’ lyrics. Giving all his attention to Freddie Mercury’s voice. Louis had asked once or twice if it was okay to him to listen to one of Queen’s album. He couldn’t mind less really. Although it didn’t seem like he knew many song from this one. Every now and then he would hear Louis hum and tap on the wheeling at the rhyme of the song, making him think he must have listen to it many times. 

_I will be there at your side to remind you how I still love you, I still love you._

Louis wondered if Harry would like what he had planned for them. It took him a while to find the perfect idea for their very first date. It took him hours and days to plan everything and to make sure everything would work the way he wanted. Everything had to be perfect. He would just be so disappointed if something went wrong or if Harry didn’t like that. There was still about 30 minutes of driving. Harry had asked where they were going, he probably knew it was a date already, but he didn’t know anything else. And Louis didn’t intend on telling him anything about the destination or the activity. He would have to wait. He wanted it to be a surprise and maybe that was the main reason why he was scared to disappoint Harry. What if the young boy was imagining a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant? What if he expected something crazy? He used to take Tamara to really fancy restaurant just to make her happy, although he hated it. He hated putting on an expensive suit and looking like a sad penguin while she was tightened in her velvet red dress. They used to look like rich haughty kids and he hated that. Yes, he had money, a big house, his own nice car and his family was far from poor but it was not that important to him, at least not as important as it was to Tamara. Because he knew to well he would never be able to buy himself happiness. Dating Louis was an opportunity for her to be a part of the highest society, the worst part of the so called elite. She needed her place there. Quickly she went from the shy and adorable girl who was doing shopping in pyjamas and slippers to a girl who would just forget her old friends to find some others, as haughty as her. Being contemptuous of the kindest people. Harry was her opposite, he was, in fact, the kindest person Louis had even been given the chance to meet. 

33 minutes had passed and Louis’ car finally stopped. Harry sat straighter and turned his face slightly toward the older boy. He cleared his throat as Louis turned the music off and it was silent for a moment before he asked: 

“So where are we?” 

Louis looked up at him, some of his brown curls were falling across his forehead and he pulled some behind his ear. He was wearing a light blue heart print flannel with a tight pair of dark grey skinnies and black ankle boots. Many of his fingers were wearing rings and Louis thought it added something special to his look.

“A drive-in, this is an LGBTQ special night.” 

Louis felt his cheeks burn as he pronounced the words. He had thought a lot after his and Harry’s conversation from Liam’s birthday party. He hadn’t came to any conclusion yet, it was still blur and his mind was still a real mess, but he thought it was unfair. Unfair to force Harry to hide himself around his own family. He felt selfish, but he also almost felt like some sort of torturer. It had kept him up late one night, that night he had thought about how he wished he could take Harry to a date. How scared he was of being caught. But did they had to have a date so close to their town? No. That’s how he had ended up brainstorming all night about different idea of dates. He wanted something special but chill, where none of them would have to try to be presentable, or too different from who they were. No matter if Louis didn’t really know who he was anymore. Harry knew, and that was important to him. When he heard about the drive-in more than an hour away from their town, it just seemed like a great idea. They had theme nights and the 3rd of September was and LGBTQ theme night. He had hesitated, a long time. He had spent hour listing pros and cons, his cons was mostly a list of things that could happen if they got caught. And maybe he had called Zayn in the middle of the night to get some advice. Zayn had promised to be his alibi and was happy at the thought of his friend finally trying to accept the truth.  
To Harry, it was really surprising. Louis was terrified of anything that could make his family and friends know about their relationship. And he had forced himself to forget the idea of being happy in public together already. 

“I thought we could stay for two movies and then, around midnight we could just go to the room I booked in that hotel?” 

Harry was speechless, no words were crossing his lips nor coming to his mind. He was just shocked. He had imagined several dates, of course he had. But among all of the scenarios he had written in his head, none sounded as great as the real one. Most of the time, he had imagined Louis would take him to a fancy restaurant, because Louis had lot of money and he guessed he would just want to show it. And each time he imagined them there, it would just sound stupid, Harry would rather go to a fast food than in a fancy restaurant. 

“Is that okay with you Harry?” he asked after the absence of answer.  
“Yes, of course it is!” Harry exclaimed, a bit too excited. 

Louis smiled and looked down, he put his keys in his jeans jacket pocket and left the car. He walked up to the passenger side and opened the door, grabbed Harry’s hand and helped him up. 

“Okay, wait here.” 

Louis opened the door and leant on the back seat, he grabbed one of the bag laying there and the thick and soft blankets. He clicked on the button of his key to open the tailgate and he laid one of the cover on the floor of the bed and folded the other in the corner. He then grabbed Harry’s hand again and helped him up at the back of the truck. It was pretty noisy, people in cars were chatting, waiting for the movie to start. Louis sat down next to the younger boy and covered their legs with the spare blanket. He grabbed his bag and took of the hot Thermos and two cups. When he finished pouring the hot chocolate in one, he took Harry’s hand. 

“Here, we’re lucky it’s not a cold evening.” 

Harry took the cup and drank a bit from it. Maybe hot chocolate would become a tradition for them? Maybe they would just cuddle on the sofa with hot chocolate, maybe Louis would make him hot chocolate when he would be sick. Harry would, carefully, make hot chocolate when Louis would feel down and wouldn’t want to leave his bed. Hot chocolate would be their thing. For Christmas they would it on the sofa with some Christmas movies and hot chocolate and cookies. And when they would have movie night together, they would…. _Stop Harry, you’ve only been dating for a month_. Maybe Harry was getting too fast, maybe it was his young age? But it felt so nice. It felt so unique. People would say that at 16, we always think we would spend our whole life with our lover, Harry didn’t want to believe it was only his age that made it so special. It was just Louis, the person he was. He was always so unpredictable. Spending his life with him would be full of surprise, all the time. He would be happy. He knew he shouldn’t think about it, because you never know what can happen in the future. 

“My sisters had made cookies as well, I stole some.” 

He took the cling film off the plate and put it on his laps, taking his free hand and putting the cookie onto his open palm. Louis looked at him as he broke the biscuit and dipped it into his hot chocolate. When he carefully drove it to his lips, a drop of the chocolaty drink fell on the corner of his lips and slid down his chin. Louis wiped the drop away with his finger and discreetly lick the drop off his finger. Was it weird? Maybe that was why his cheeks burned gently and he looked down to the blanket over his legs. Harry smiled and blushed a bit, he focused on chewing, hoping Louis wouldn’t notice the reddish tint of his cheeks.

_Prayers For Bobby_ was the first movie to come on the big screen. They were not sitting too close to each other, each one had his own little room and didn’t move from it. Louis had put the plate on Harry’s laps because this latter seemed to like them a lot and the plate was now empty, just like their cups. Every now and then, Louis would lean on Harry to tell him what was happening in a whisper, when there was no sound to help him to figure it out by himself. And the younger boy would feel shivers run down his spine, drawing goosebumps all over his skin. His lips so close to his ear and his hot breath stroking his skin gently was not helping. When Bobby stopped the car on the bridge, Louis knew what was coming. Thoughtlessly, he slid his hand under the blanket and grabbed Harry’s burning hand, intertwining their fingers. The sudden move made Harry lift his head up a bit. His palm was burning, creating a strong contrast with Louis’ freezing one. 

“What is happening?” he asked in a whisper. 

Louis leant on the younger boy, a lump had formed in his throat and his stomach was heavy. Although he had not eaten any of cookies, the hot drink seemed to weigh a lot.

“Bobby just climbed on the edge of the bridge.” he sighed gently. 

His breath caressed Harry’s cheek but that was not the reason for the shivers to run down his spine. It was what he had said. Harry tightened his hand around Louis’. He was scared. Terrified of what was probably going to happen. The movie had been quite emotional already, the rejection the main character had gone through from his mum was heartbreaking to Harry. He knew how lucky he was. Anne would always accept him no matter what, maybe it was the hardships they had been through that had made their family stronger. No matter what it was, he felt lucky. And he felt even luckier when Louis slid his arm around his back and brought him closer. Harry was now cuddled to his chest, holding his hand and smelling the perfume he had sprayed his shirt with. It was almost crazy to him, knowing there were many people all around them but Louis would still hold him, no matter his fear. He focused on the sound, scared. He could hear cars driving fast and muffled voices saying numerous things he couldn’t really catch. Over this, a melody that foretold the tragedy that was to come. As the music started to get louder and louder, Harry’s heart beat faster and faster, hitting his rib cage repeatedly. No. He didn’t want that to happen. The music was loud, but suddenly the silence, only broken with one voice, 6 words that could break any heart “ _I won’t have a gay son_ ”. Louis brought the younger shuddering boy even closer, he may tell it was only to comfort Harry but it was a lie. He was trying to comfort himself, he needed Harry closer, to feel and realise he wasn’t alone. Or at least, not here, not now. And when Harry heard the braking sound and the horn, he gripped Louis’ shirt, tightening his finger around the fabric. He buried his face onto the older boy’s chest as Louis held him safely. And in a split second, it was over. And Harry tried to sniff silently not to bring Louis’ attention on him. But he failed. Louis looked down at him and smiled sadly before kissing the top of his head. Watching this movie scared Louis. Maybe at the end, he was even more scared of his family’s reaction, his mum’s. He knew Zayn and Harry told him Johannah was a great person, a great mother, and it was very true. The problem was not his mother, it was him. Was he supposed to be like that? Was he supposed to like Harry the way he did? Was his heart supposed to beat so fast and hard in his chest each time Harry was near him? He wasn’t sure about that. Maybe he was supposed to spend his whole life with Tamara, maybe the break up wasn’t what fate had planned for him. But what about him? What about his broken soul and his hurting heart? Should he have kept going and pretend to be in love with her when all he could think about was Harry? No. He wouldn’t have been able to do that for too long before falling apart anyway. 

They both enjoyed the movies, they did. Truly. But it was far from how much they enjoyed laying next to each other in a King-size bed. The sheets were cold and if Harry liked the fresh fabric against his burning skin, on the opposite, Louis was freezing and it didn’t help as all. That’s why after a minute he had to put on a clean shirt, trying to gain a bit of heat. Harry’s hand slid onto the mattress, feeling around, waiting for his fingertips to meet Louis’ body. When they met his chest, he wrapped his hand on his wait, so thin under his large hand and long fingers. He moved closer slowly, sliding his fingers under the shirt. He simply wanted to touch his skin. It was almost crazy, almost unreal how soft and smooth it felt under his hand. He drew imaginary circles, the touch of his skin was addictive. Harry wondered if he would ever be able to stop touching him. To get away from him. Probably not, never. There were nothing sexual to it. It was just the need of being closer, his own skin onto his boyfriend’s skin. He was dependant of Louis, addicted to his voice, his skin and his perfume. Everything about him had become some drug and Harry couldn’t find the strength to try and quit. Because it was the sweetest drug, the safest and less harmful drug ever and Harry couldn’t find any reason to deprive himself of it.  
Louis let the older boy stroke his waist gently. He observed him, focused on his subtle smile stretching his plump lips slightly. On his eyes, half opened, the light of the wall lamps drawing all over his iris what seemed like several tiny shining stars. On his bunch of curls, some falling messily across his face and the others scattered all around his head like a chocolate fluffy crown. They had both showered with the hotel’s cherry blossom scented shampoo and shower gel and their skin smelled identical. Louis came closer, bumping his bent knee against Harry’s thigh accidentally. He wrapped his arm around the younger boy’s waist, he could feel his muscles tense slightly under his hand. When Harry smiled and brought him closer in a giggle, the older boy crashed against his chest but he couldn’t mind, because Harry’s bare chest was warm, so warm that for a moment, compared to his own body, Harry seemed to be burning into some invisible flames. He placed his cheek onto his torso, just over his heart, where he could feel it beat gently under Harry’s flesh and bones. And it was soothing. But there was something missing, something he wanted. Now and for a while already. He looked up to Harry slowly. 

“Could you sing me that Tarzan song you sang to my siblings a while ago?” 

Harry was caught off guard. He had sung before, yes he did. But singing directly to Louis was different, much different. Because, well… it was _Louis_. And it was important. He wanted to sound good. 

“Please...” Louis insisted before pecking his neck. 

Harry sighed, trying to get rid of the sudden lump in his throat. Breathe. When he started to sing, it was just a whisper, barely audible. Louis caressed the younger boy’s stomach gently, trying to convince him he could sing louder, everything was alright. Trying to give him some confidence. It was probably the best thing he had ever been given the chance to listen to. Harry’s slow and deep voice was something he could never get tired of. It was just soothing, a mix between his heartbeat reverberating against his face his voice singing slowly. Harry wrapped his arm around Louis’ small waist and held him closer as he continued: 

“ _For one so small,_  
_You seem so strong._  
_My arms will hold you,_  
_Keep you safe and warm._ ”

And although Louis knew it was only a song, it seemed like those words were only aimed to him. As if Harry was speaking right to his heart. Like he meant what he was so perfectly singing. And he felt tinier than ever that one night. He felt like Harry’s hand could wrapped all around his waist, he felt like he was as small as a new born. Suddenly there were no more pain, no more hardship to go through, no more struggling. It was him and Harry, only the both of them in that huge hotel room. Laying in that large bed where they were pressed together, only using 1/3 of the space. Harry breathed in, filling his lungs with oxygen. And it was perfect. Such a perfect moment that Louis wondered if he was awake, if all of this was reality. It simply seemed too good to be true, how his heart was tight and lighter at the same time. How his heart beat, for Harry only. And Harry didn’t stop singing when he felt some hot tears drop onto his chest. He kept going, because that was what Louis wanted. He didn’t want to talk, he wanted to listen to him, so he sang. He tightened his embrace around his waist, feeling the older boy’s ribs and spine press against his arm. And as the words rolled down onto his tongue, he meant them. Every single one of them was aimed to the small boy with the tears and the scrawny body laying against him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, how are you today?  
> I post this chapter one day after we got the news that Robin passed away.  
> I send all my courage and love to the family and friend of this amazing man as well as to everyone who had lost someone recently.  
> I send love to all the families of the victim of those who passed away in the fires in London and Portugual or all over the world.  
> I send love to the families of every single victime of the terrible cruelty that happens all around the world.  
> I also want to remind those who lives in a country who's under heatwave to stay hydrated and to drink a lot of water. Also, keep an eye of your grandparents, remind them to drink, remind the youngest and oldest to stay hydrated.  
> I don't think I need to add anything.  
> Thanks for reading, leaving kudos or commenting, that means a lot!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	26. Chapter 26

# TELL ME YOUR SECRETS

**_September 4th_ **

When Louis came home, it was around 1pm. He wasn’t sure about whether or not he wanted to come home but he had promised to his mother he would. She had to leave for the hospital around 1:30 and he had to look after the twins. He liked it. When he was with them, it was full of innocence and kindness. They were filling his heart with warm laughters and they would heal his pain a bit, unconsciously. When he was with them, there were nothing else than them, their happiness and the sweet smiles plastered on their faces. And it was a great feeling. When Louis entered the house, it was pretty silent, Ernest and Doris was sitting on the couch in the living room, quiet and focused on the television. He walked up to them, silently, on his tip toes, his bag hanging on his shoulder. They both had their thumb in their mouth when Louis stopped behind the sofa. He leant forward and placed his face between theirs, wrapping his arms around their shoulders. 

“Hello babies!” he said as he kissed their chubby cheeks. 

They yelled into his ears loudly when they turned around to hug him back, but he didn’t mind. It was the yelling of innocence and happiness. Compared to the constant yelling of his own voice trying to destroy him slowly. He smiled when they pressed their lips against his cheeks. He felt good, not to have to care about anything. To be with people who wouldn’t ask you how you are, with people who didn’t care if you cried or was different because they were simply too young to understand what it implied. And if felt nice, not having to care about being someone else all the time, just to be accepted. 

“I’m going to see mummy, I’ll be back!” he said as he kissed their forehead. 

Louis climbed the stairs slowly. Every step seemed harder. His body was aching silently, waiting for Louis to feed it and take care of it. But he silenced its pleading whispers. He ignored it. He ignored the pain stabbing his knees, the heavy weight trapping his thigh muscles. It almost felt like he had just ran fifteen miles although he had done nothing else but sleep into strong reassuring arms. He wondered if he would ever be able to live without Harry. If he could ever go through life without his warm comforting embrace, holding him tight under the covers. If he could ever breathe without his hot lips pecking all over his face when they were hidden in a dark room, alone without anyone watching them. If he could ever just keep on going, keep on trying to live without knowing he was able to sleep next to Harry, looking at him fall asleep, observe him waking up. Harry was his strength. He hated how cheesy it sounded and how dependant he suddenly felt.   
He opened his own room’s door, he needed to leave his bag before saying hi to Johannah. Not that there were anything he needed to hide in the bag, it was simply useless to keep it. But when he pushed the door opened, Johannah was here already. She was sitting on the bed, her face hidden into her hands. He frowned and walked closer. Did something happen? He hadn’t seen any of the girls, did something happen to the girls while he was gone? He could never forgive himself if anything happened to his family while he was away.

“Mum?” he said in a concerned whisper. 

Johannah looked up suddenly. She was not crying, but an odd expression was deforming her beautiful face. He couldn’t say what it was though. He couldn’t put a word to it and it worried him. He walked closer again, a large frown crossing his face. Suddenly she stood up and stepped aside, showing the bed with her hand. His eyes fell down onto the dark blue bedspread. He froze. _No_. It couldn’t happen. Not now. Not here. Never, nowhere. He stepped backward, almost like he thought she would ever slap him. But in reality, he just felt dizzy. Weak. His legs were barely holding him and he was struggling to breathe properly. 

“What is this, Louis?” 

The young boy didn’t look at her. His ocean blue eyes were locked on the bunch of beer cans, whisky and vodka bottles and cheap alcohol cans scattered on the covers. He couldn’t move. His body wasn’t responding. His ears couldn’t catch any sound apart from the loud buzzing of the pain that was about to crash onto his heart. His mouth and throat were dried and he couldn’t have talked even if he tried. Everything stopped. He could see the walls fall apart around him, like trapped in a post-apocalyptic parallel world. It was dark, cold, colourless and there was no oxygen. 

“Louis.”

His mother’s soft hand wrapped around his wrist and took him back to reality. He looked at her, his eyes burning. He gathered all his tiny pieces of strength left to retain his tears from rolling down his cheeks. He managed it. But he was not ready. He didn’t want to stay here and listen to his mother listing all the reasons why she was so disappointed about her son. How she thought he was a good person but turned out to be the worst. He didn’t want to listen to her disappointment because it would hurt. It would be too much and Louis was not sure if he was strong enough to go through it without falling apart into her arms. And it was the last thing he wanted. 

“Louis, why were there so many bottles of alcohol hidden under your bed?”

It had been said in a whisper. Louis wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t want anyone to hear her, or if it was because she didn’t want to push him. He looked at her as she stroke her face with her hand. She looked lost. She looked disappointed and confused. But most of all, she looked concerned. Many thoughts were crossing Johannah’s mind. Why would her son drink so much? When did he even start to drink alcohol? She assumed he would drink a bit during parties since he had came home a bit tipsy before, but she knew her son wasn’t much of what could be called a “party-animal”. Her heart was so tight in her chest, she felt like crying, right here, right now. But she needed to keep a straight face. She couldn’t let her emotion show.

“Answer me!” Johannah sighed loudly.

Maybe she had noticed some changes in her son. Her son who, formerly, had always been joyful and happy was now on the verge of tears. And it seemed like she saw it now. At that moment, the perfect image she had of her son was suddenly much darker. Suddenly, when her eyes laid on him, it wasn’t the smiling boy with a slightly tan skin. His skin was scarily drab, he had large dark circles all around his almost lifeless bloodshot eyes. She slid her palms on Louis’ cheeks, cupping his face into her hands. 

“What is happening, Louis? Talk to me!” she tried again.   
“Nothing mum, I am fine!” he said as he stepped away from her hands. 

His mother didn’t know what to say. What to answer. What to do. Should she take him into her arms and hold him tight, letting him know she would always be there? Should she just ask questions until he finally let the truth slip out of his mouth?

“Stop lying to me…” she said as she pressed her fingers against her temple, her head was throbbing in pain. 

He frowned and shook his head. He was not ready for this conversation and he didn’t want to have it anytime soon. He would never feel like talking to her about whatever was crossing his mind. He didn’t feel like it would ever be a good thing. Firstly, he didn’t want to worry her, after all, was there anything worrying about it? Secondly she would probably tell his siblings about it. And the last thing he wanted to do was to see his sisters act differently toward him. It had already changed a lot in the last months. Less talking. Less confidence. Less time spent together watching stupid movies. And he didn’t want any more change. It already felt like his whole world had turned upside-down.   
Johannah bit the inside of her cheek, frowning at her son. She looked over to the empty bottles scattered on the bedspread. 

“Is it Harry?” 

For a second, Louis froze. He was not ready for this conversation either. For any conversation that implied his current love life really. He was so far from being ready to face his mum about how he had surprisingly _switched teams_. But what came after was not what he expected. 

“Is he the one who changed you so much? Is he the one who makes you drink? Does he have a bad influence on you?”   
“What? Mum, are you seriously believing what you’re saying? Harry doesn’t even drink alcohol!” he exclaimed, incredulous. 

She sighed loudly. The way Louis was trying his best to defend Harry sounded suspicious to her. Maybe she had been wrong all that time thinking Harry was a sweet and kind boy. Maybe he wasn’t that good of a person. And now she felt guilty. She had been the one to offer Louis’ help. Did Anne know what her son was doing to hers? 

“Louis. Come on, stop lying now. You should maybe try and stop seeing that boy, it seems like he has a bad influence on you”. 

He retained the swearwords and blocked them into his throat. He couldn’t scream into her face. As loud as he wanted to yell, he knew he couldn’t. He stroked his forehead with his hand, trying to sort out the thoughts running around in his messy mind. Trying to pick up something to say. 

“You said exactly the same when I got friend with Zayn...”   
“Well maybe I was right then. Maybe all of your friends have a bad influence on you Lou!” 

There was no more concerned expression covering her face. It was only anger. Probably not against him though. Against his friends. And Louis felt anger grow as well in the bottom of his stomach. He didn’t want to let it out. He didn’t want to hurt his mother. But it was just pressing against on his chest like a heavy anchor. 

“You don’t know them.” he said, in a low voice. “You do not know them or who they are and how they act.” he sighed, pressing his fingers on his eyelids.   
“Well they don’t seem like...”   
“I can’t listen to this!” he cut her off. 

He turned around and walked out of the room. He couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t feel like taking any of her words. Not anymore. He needed silence. Complete silence. No more reproach. No more talking. No more voice. Johannah followed him in the hallway, she grabbed his wrist and forced him to turn around. His eyes were burning. He was ready to let all the tears roll down his face but he kept them in. He needed to be strong _for once_. He couldn’t break down. It was hard, trying to hold everything in. And it was pressing so heavily against his organs, against his heart, making it difficult to breathe. He wanted to run away. Literally and in every way possible. Run. He wanted to shun those conversations. He wished he would never have to face any of them. It was too hard, harder to lie in his mother’s face. Harder to go one. Harder to fight and stay the strong boy everyone thought he was. Because he was not this boy anymore. He was so different from who he used to be. The tears had replaced the laughters. The sleepless nights had replaced the happy dreams. The pain he was trying so hard to beat had took away all his energy. He was not the same person. He was his own shadow. Maybe, inside he wanted someone to see. To realise that there was no other problem in his life than himself. To realise that he was broken, that inside, whenever he was alone, whenever he found himself away from the only person able to bring the sun back to his life, he felt dead. He didn’t want to complain and he refused that anyone think of him as a victim. Because he was not. If he was a victim, than it made him the criminal as well. He knew how painful the world was for other people, he knew too well how other people all around the world was much more broken than he would ever be. And he hated himself for thinking that he could never get over the pain, because he probably could. The problem here was himself and not the world. There was no one else to help than himself. 

“I am only trying to understand Louis. I am trying to understand why you went from the adorable boy to the stranger in front of me.”   
“Mum...” a soft voice whispered.

Louis looked up to see Félicité, looking at their mother in disbelief. He shook his head. He knew it. He knew his mother would hate him but he didn’t try to do anything to avoid this situation. Félicité slid her hand on Louis’ arm slowly, trying to comfort him. It was surprising, shocking even. There weren’t much fights in the house, mostly between Phoebe and Daisy, for no actual reason. Johannah had never really yelled at any of them, or had never really been angry at any of them. So now, it was scary, because Félicité knew it must have been something big. 

“Fizzy, please, not now.” Johannah said as she kept staring at her oldest child. 

She tried her best not to break down in tears. She gathered all of her strength not to. Witnessing her son looking so different from the boy she had raised for almost 19 years was heartbreaking. Physically he looked so sick and frail, almost like he could collapse right in front of her. He seemed so tiny in his large outfit. Louis had never been tall, but he used to be fit and his body had always been considered feminine. But now, it only looked scary. 

“Louis, now you need to tell me! What the hell is happening?”   
“Mum, stop, please! Leave him alone.” Lottie joined them in the hallway. 

Louis felt embarrassed. He felt guilty. He didn’t want his sister to get in a fight with their mother. All the family had always been really close and he didn’t want that to change because of him. Johannah’s eyes were shinning, the tears ready to roll down her cheeks. Louis had a hard time keeping his own tears into his eyes. If Johannah cried because of him, he could never look at her in the eyes ever again. He was so lucky to have her as his mother. And he hated seeing her like this, knowing he was the reason of her sadness. She looked down to the watch around her thin wrist and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose slightly. 

“I have to go to work anyway, we’ll talk tonight.”   
“I am sleeping at Zayn’s tonight.” 

She looked up, sniffing gently and wiping under her eyes. She opened her mouth, but no word escaped her lips, she simply shook her head slowly, looking more disappointed than ever and walked passed him. When Johannah walked away, she took a piece of Louis’ strength away with her. And that’s when he heard the front door close that the tears streamed down his pale cheeks all in a sudden. 

“No, Lou...” Félicité whispered, her heart tightening in her chest.  
“Come here.” Lottie said as she wrapped her arms around him. 

Félicité joined in and they hugged their older brother gently. They knew it was coming. They had talked about it and knew Louis would just break down at some point. None of them really knew what was wrong, what was happening or what led Louis to cry in their arms in the middle of the hallway. They didn’t know but they didn’t ask, because they knew he got too many questions asked already, and he obviously didn’t feel ready to share any of his secrets. They didn’t want to rush him into spitting the truth. So they simply stroked his back slowly in the silence of the house. 

“I am sorry...” Louis sobbed, holding his sisters tightly.

Félicité looked at her older sister, they were both on the verge of tears. But it was time to comfort him, not to cry with him. Louis used to be so strong, to listen and to comfort everyone around him. Louis felt a small hand around his knee, he looked down to see Ernest and Doris looking at him with their eyes wide opened. 

“Louis?” the little girl whispered. 

He squatted and spread his arms to let them hug him. As the toddlers crashed against his chest, Félicité wrapped Lottie’s hands around hers. Their brother was so important to them. He had always been there, watching after them since they were kids. He was taking care of them. Always. But now, they had to take care of him.

 

Zayn jumped on the couch next to Louis, almost accidentally crashing him. The TV was on but Louis wasn’t focused. His thoughts were way too loud to allow him to be able to think about anything else that what was running through his mind. He wished he could just run away from his own brain, from whatever was always making him nervous. He wanted to be someone else, just for a day. He wanted to try to have another brain, another body, just to know how it felt to just be away from all of these. To just be free and feel lighter. No more heavy anchor crashing his lungs. No more pain hammering his heart over and over again. No more empty stomach keeping him awake when he wasn’t able to bring himself to eat. No more loud voice deafening him all day long. No more tiredness and lack of energy. Just another body, another brain, blank from any horrible past. He wondered how it felt to be carefree. He hadn’t felt carefree in such a long time that he had probably forgot the feeling of freedom. He wanted his wings back. But they had been torn off his back, and he was now chained to the ground. He could barely move anymore. Everything hurt, everything was heavy. It didn’t look like life anymore.

“So you still didn’t tell me how it went with your boyfriend yesterday!” 

Louis felt his cheeks burn in a sudden, he did try to hide it by lowering his head, but Zayn still caught it. He didn’t note it out loud though, he didn’t feel the need to embarrass Louis more than he seemed to be already. Louis didn’t look up, he observed his thighs. Zayn knew he was running away from the conversation. Honestly, if no one knew about Louis and Harry except him, Zayn just believed Louis would need to talk about it to someone. Maybe he just needed to ramble about Harry and the date and how it went and if Harry liked it and looked good. And maybe Zayn was also dying to know every single details of that one night. 

“Boyfriend...” Louis sighed as he shook his head.   
“What? He is your boyfriend Louis, what you share with him is called a relationship.” Zayn said as he frowned looking at Louis. 

Louis felt the heavy lump in his throat and it was hard to swallow but he simply brushed the thought away. He played with the hot blanket Zayn had given him when he had said he was freezing. He was just trying to keep his mind away. He was not sure if he was ready to talk about Harry so openly, especially to Zayn. He would feel embarrassed. It wouldn’t feel right. It was Zayn. 

“Come on, I wanna know what happened! I was your alibi, I think I need to know what I supposedly covered up!” Zayn tried again.   
“It was… nice.” Louis mumbled, shrugging. 

Of course it had been much more than only _nice_. Much better. It had been amazing and all he had dreamed of for their very first date. And yes, he had thought about going there again, simply because they had enjoyed the moment very much. Louis hadn’t felt scared to get caught at all that one night. Did he really want to talk about it? Definitely. He wanted to tell everything, from when Harry climbed in the car to when he took him back home. He wanted to describe the expression of his face during the movies, he wanted to ramble about how good that flannel looked on him and how burning his skin was when he rested his head on it. He wanted to tell him how safe he felt in his warm embrace. But he wasn’t sure if he was able to. He wasn’t sure if he had the strength to talk about all of this with Zayn. What would Zayn think of him? No matter if he already knew what was going on between the two of them, did he really want to know what had happened, or was he just trying to be nice? Was he just trying to prove to Louis that he was okay with it, even though he might not be. 

“Come on Louis, I want to know! Don’t make me beg you!” 

Louis looked up from his thighs to lay his eyes on his best friend. He was smiling, trying to throw his best puppy look. When Zayn pouted, Louis’ face deformed in a shy smile, straightening his lips sightly. 

“Please.” 

Louis sighed and rested his head on the back of the sofa. The ceiling suddenly seemed to be the most interesting thing he had ever seen in his life. He focused on the white blank canvas above him. He could feel Zayn’s eyes on him and it made him almost uncomfortable. He wished he could talk about it to him and Liam. He wished he was not so scared of being rejected by him. It was a chance, maybe, that Zayn had noticed what was going on. In a way, it allowed Louis to have someone to talk about his biggest secret. He wondered what Harry would think if he knew Zayn was informed of the situation.

“Okay. Well...” Louis started and he caught Zayn sitting comfortably next to him, making him smile. 

As he started telling Zayn about the date, Zayn seemed to be fascinated. He didn’t look anything close to disgusted by the kisses and the cuteness in his friend’s story. It was pretty much the opposite really, he kept encouraging him to keep going with a head motion, putting Louis to ease. And it felt nice, it felt nice to have someone to ramble about his night, about how good he had felt there and how much he liked Harry’s company. It was new, a bit weird and embarrassing to share some of his emotion and memories, some of his secret. But it also felt liberating. Maybe it took away a small piece of the heavy anchor still crashing his chest. He liked Zayn’s smile that never left his face, he liked how happy he seemed to hear about Louis’ secret. When Louis was over, he awkwardly looked up to his best friend. He wasn’t smiling anymore, he was not even looking back at him. He was only staring at his own hands on his laps. But Louis didn’t want to ask what was wrong, he was too scared of the answer, so he kept silent looking at his friend. 

“I wish you trusted your family enough to tell them that you like Harry. I wish you trusted Liam enough to know he wouldn’t ever push you away or think anything bad about you because you’re in a relationship with a boy.” 

Zayn looked up and laid his brown eyes on his friend. Louis froze, that was so far from what he had expected Zayn to say. So far from what he thought Zayn was thinking about the situation. Maybe because Louis had made it clear that he wouldn’t tell his family before a very long time. Perhaps he hadn’t even planned on telling them at all. After all, he didn’t know what could happen with Harry, it could end the next day.

“We all love you, like, really! You should never be scared of telling them about him! He seems to make you happy, or at least, a tiny bit happier than you are. And this is all that matters, that he’s a good person, who protects you and care about you. Don’t you think he’s all your mother would ever want for you?"

Louis kept silent. Just the way he always did whenever he felt like there was nothing to say. He was not ready and he didn’t know if he would ever be. It was not like when he had told her about his bad grades in high school, it was not about when he had broken a plate or two while playing with the girls, it was about him dating another boy, about him liking this boy – maybe a bit too much – and never wanting to leave that boy’s sides. It was about this boy being the only one allowing Louis to take a break from the hard reality. It was about this boy giving his wings back to him. It was about this boy giving him the chance to be himself again just for an hour or two. And he was not sure Johannah would be okay with it.

“Louis, I need to tell you something.” 

Louis looked up, suddenly scared. Zayn was biting on his already bitten nails. He brushed his tattoos covered arm nervously. 

“What?” Louis asked after a minute of silence.  
“There’s something I’ve never told you. Something _we_ ’ve never told you.”

He didn’t know if he was supposed to feel anxious or scared about what was coming. He didn’t even know what to expect of this sudden hidden secret. Was it something bad, something sad, something shameful? 

“What do you mean “we”, who?” he asked, confused. 

Zayn scratched the back of his neck nervously and looked up to observe Louis’ face. 

“ _Liam_ and I.”   
“Well, what, Liam and you?” Louis said, a bit annoyed at how slow Zayn tried to spit it out.   
“We used to date…” he stopped but continued when he saw his friend’s jaw drop, “it wasn’t long, just three or four months. It was before the girls. We hadn’t cheated on anyone! I had just moved there and I knew no one expect you two and I lived with him and we got to know each other.” 

Louis didn’t know if he could speak up. He didn’t even know what to say anyway. He was just confused. Shocked would not be a word he would use to describe his feeling at that moment. It was mostly just confusion. A whole lot of confusion. He just wondered why Zayn had decided to tell him now, after all those years of keeping it a secret. If he felt like telling it now, why wouldn’t have he felt ready before?

“What? I mean, how did it happen?”   
“Honestly I don’t really know. We used to have movie nights together and order pizza and one night, we just kissed, it just happened and I can’t give you any logical explanations because there’s none. That’s why I know Liam won’t mind at all about you and Harry because we were together. I don’t even know how you managed to never notice really. We were so obvious. Even our parents knew.”

Louis opened wide eyes. This time, “shocked” was the perfect word to define the way he felt. So everyone was aware of the relationship going on between his two best friends apart from him? He felt a bit offended but he wouldn’t admit it out loud.

“You told your parents?”  
“Yes, we were pretty confident about it, we told them like a week after that kiss.”

_Wow_. Louis wished he had the courage to do the same. He wondered how it was supposed to happen though. How he was supposed to tell his family he was dating a boy. And he wondered how his friends had the guts to do it so soon. Zayn noticed the questioning look painted on his friend’s face and he spoke up again. 

“It was not a thing we were scared to talk about with our family. Liam just told his parents while I told mine, one week end when we went to visit our parents. They didn’t react badly, my parents were a bit surprised though but they didn’t treat me differently and they still call me two times a week. It didn’t change anything for Liam either. We only hid it to you because we were scared it would change our friendship, that you would think we sidelined you or something. Maybe we were lucky to have the parents we have… I know it is not that easy for everyone, and I will never claim it was complicated for us because it was not. But honestly, Louis, you’re making it hard for yourself. You’re the one throwing a spanner in the works.” 

Louis didn’t really know if he was supposed to talk or if Zayn had anything more to say, so he kept silent. During the minute Zayn stopped talking, Louis thought over what he had just said. Would it happen the same way if he talked to Johannah about it? Or would it be chaotic? Would she support him? Or would she get angry and disappointed? He had already disappointed her so badly earlier that Louis thought he would never be able to tell her for Harry. The look on her face had broken his heart more than it was already and he didn’t feel the strength to go through this ever again. 

“Louis, answer me with honesty. Are you scared of your mother’s reaction, or are you scared of who you are and the feelings you have for Harry?”

But Louis couldn’t answer, because himself didn’t know if there was a right answer to that question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you're all having a great day.   
> So here is the new, 26th chapter of this story.   
> There will definitely be more than 30 chapters to this fanfiction but we're getting closer to the end!  
> I hope you liked this chapter!  
> Thanks for reading! And thanks to those who leave kudos! :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	27. Chapter 27

# BLOODY TEARS 

**_September 6th_ **

It was not supposed to happen. It was not supposed to end up like this. It was never supposed to happen. Or at least, not that soon, not with Harry. Not in public. Louis was not supposed to lose his mind. He thought he was strong enough to stop the inevitable. He believed that whenever it would come, he would be able to push it back to when he would be all alone. But he hadn’t got that strength. He hadn’t been able to push it back. He tried, he tried his best to contain it all inside. But he had been hiding so much feelings, so many pain that had been building up in his chest for what seemed like ages, until it came to the point of no return. Until the final straw that broke the camel’s back. Until Louis wasn’t able to fight anymore, until all the pain and rage he had been piling up needed to just explode and he wasn’t strong enough to stop it. That’s how he ended up looking for Harry under the pouring rain in a city he had never went to, without any clue of where he should look. He knew Harry would never forgive him this time.

**~ 20 minutes ago ~**

Harry smiled shyly as he licked the sweet whipped cream off his upper lip before turning back to the book in front of him. They went to this intimate café some miles away from town so Harry could work and they could change their habit a bit, being away from Harry’s room where they were used to work. It was Harry’s idea but Louis thought it would be nice to see Harry happy. A shiny light grey sprung floor was covering the ground, ten or so dark wooden tables were spread in the lovely room. Many lustres were hanging on the ceiling and were enlightening the room. After a while though, Louis was not so sure about this idea, mostly because Harry couldn’t really focus on his work. He wanted to talk, about nothing really, just talking about anything just to hear Louis’ voice. 

“Focus Harry.” Louis whispered into his ear. 

Harry pouted and at that moment, Louis had to admit he looked much younger than he already was. With his adorable plump lips, his furrowed brows and the massive bunch of chocolate curls falling over his face. Louis wanted to kiss him, right here in front of all those people all around them, those people he didn’t know and had never seen before. He wanted to show everyone Harry was his boyfriend and that it was the best thing in his life at the moment. But he looked away and took Harry’s hand to place it back on the paper. 

“Come on.” he said again. 

He heard Harry sighed loudly next to him and observed with a smile as he placed his chin on his palm and pouted again, just like a young kid who was refused a cookie before dinner. He looked around him, making sure no one was looking at them before he leaned on quickly and pecked Harry’s cheek, cheeks that quickly turned pinkish seconds after. It may have given motivation to the young boy because he started to focus and work after that. Louis stared at him for a while, sitting silently and drinking a bit of his black coffee – only thing that would fill his stomach today – and feeling pretty amazed by Harry’s concentrated face. He felt luckier than ever, being able to be with the person he liked. Being lucky enough to be liked back. Sometimes he wondered what would have happened if Harry had never liked him, what if he was still alone, crying in his room? What if he was sitting there hiding his feelings and acting totally indifferently to Harry’s beauty? What if he had never kissed Harry, never held him, never slept next to him? How would he be able to go through life feeling his heart beat for someone who didn’t really care? He was grateful that life had decided to give him another chance to feel better, to feel alive by sending him Harry. When he sipped a bit of his burning coffee, he looked away from his boyfriend and looked around the place. That’s when his eyes met the other man’s eyes. He had never seen him before. He looked a bit older than him, probably in his early 20’s. He seemed tall. Despite the pouring rain outside and the cold weather, he was wearing a short-sleeve top, showing off his strong muscular arms. He had a tattoo on the back of his upper arm, a snake going from his elbow to his wrist, with his mouth wide open, showing two sharp teeth. Louis frowned at how insistent the stranger’s look was. He hated being stared at, and if it was by stranger, it was even more annoying. He did try to stop the little bit of anger that was starting to run through his veins. He sent the man a questioning look but the guy simply raised his head higher and Louis frowned deeper. What was it all about? Why didn’t he want to look away? Why did he even start staring at them in the first place? They were sitting two tables away but he could still catch the defiant expression printed on his face, with the smug smile. That damn, smug smile that broke down every barriers.

“What are you looking at?” Louis shouted. 

Harry flinched at his boyfriend’s sudden yelling and he turned his face toward Louis. He heard a chair squeak on the floor and he noticed how everyone had suddenly became silent. 

“What’s your problem?” Louis shouted again.   
“Louis?” Harry whispered. 

He tried to find Louis’ hand to hold it secretly under the table and try to stop what was going on at the moment. He wanted to calm Louis down, no matter what was going around them. But the hand wasn’t there, he brushed the booth with his palm but noticed no one was sitting there anymore. Louis had stood up, just like the other man who had stepped forward. He was definitely taller than Louis and much more muscular. 

“You and your blind boy are my problems, and what are you gonna do?”

When Harry heard the deep voice, the loud and hurtful words crashed his heart a bit. He felt shameful for some reason. He didn’t know whose voice it was, he didn’t who was that boy and if Louis knew him. He felt lost, he couldn’t see what was happening next to him and he couldn’t find anything to protect Louis from whatever was about to happen. 

“Lou...” he murmured as he stood up and tried to grab Louis’ arm. “It isn’t worth it.”   
“Shut up you moron!” the deep voice spat again. 

Harry step backward, feeling extremely small at the moment. He felt Louis’s arm muscles tense under his fingers and second after he took his arm away from Harry’ hand. He didn’t like what was happening. He didn’t like how it made him feel. How self-conscious and scared he suddenly felt. And why no one was doing anything? He could hear his own heart beat faster and harder into his chest, begging for Louis to stop, not to do anything because that man wasn’t worth it. And it was silent for a while, no Louis shouting, no man screaming, no one whispering, it was just the heaviest silence ever. And just like the calm before the storm, it came to an end as a thunderous noise interrupt the quietness of the room. When the sound irrupted into the room, Harry felt something hard hitting his chest and it projected him on the floor, and for a moment he was not able to breathe anymore. He stood up once he felt the air filling his lungs again and he stepped closer to the noises, he could hear the punch and the tables breaking under the boys. With his arms straighten in front of him, he tried to find them, tried to catch Louis and stop him from fighting. 

“Louis, stop.” he sobbed. 

He smiled in hope as his fingers meet something but it lasted a split of second because he felt a violent pain on his nose. He covered his face with his hand as someone wrapped their arms around his shoulder and drove him away from the fight. He felt his tears stream down his cheeks and the throbbing pain started torturing his face. He thoughtlessly lick his lips but that wasn’t tears, it was a strong metallic liquid, he was bleeding. 

“Louis!” he tried again, behind his hand. “Please, stop!”

He tried to escape the woman who was keeping him away from his boyfriend, he tried to run away from her protective embrace and comforting words, but she held him tightly.   
When the young waiter who had brought their drinks caught the seen he ran toward them. He was surprised – shocked – that no one had tried to stop them yet. But when he grabbed Louis’ hood and tried to take him off the man he was punching violently, two other men stood up and joined him. They had a hard time lifting the small and skinny boy, he was always escaping their hands to try and punch the boy again. Harry was now sobbing in the stranger’s arms. She was trying her best to comfort him. 

“Hey, kid, stop!” one of the man shouted to Louis as he wrapped his arm tightly around his torso, holding his arms against his chest. 

They knelled near the boy who was badly bleeding on the floor.

“Louis!” Harry’s broken voice said loudly in the crowd of whispers. 

Louis froze, his breathing still really heavy as he turned around toward Harry. He was standing there, holding a hand against his face and he noticed the dark red liquid dripping from under his palm onto his shirt. Louis was brought back to reality with the heartbreaking scene in front of his eyes. He looked down to the man, he needed to leave. They needed to leave. Louis grabbed Harry’s hand and ran out of the café, leaving Harry’s backpack and book behind them. They ran for a minute of two, Harry almost fell numerous times but it didn’t stop Louis from running. When they finally stopped, Harry laid his hands on Louis’ chest. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, trying to fight the lump forming in his throat. 

Louis pushed his hand away. His chest was heavy and painful. He wasn’t sure what had just happened, he wasn’t even aware he had this much physical strength. That had been pure anger, pure rage running through his veins and guiding his fists to the boy’s face. He hadn’t felt like this before. It was new and absolutely terrifying. He had lost control of his own body, but most importantly, of his own mind. He had flown away from his body, and left the rage took over himself. He had put his destiny into fury’s hands and it hadn’t ended up so well. He had no idea how much time he had been taken it out on that stranger.   
He felt Harry’s fingers wrap around his wrist. 

“Lou, are you okay?” 

Louis frowned and pushed Harry away from him, the younger boy was confused, hurt. He flinched a bit when Louis’ hand crashed right on his sternum, where he had been hit before. 

“You’re bleeding! You shouldn’t care about me right now Harry!” Louis shouted. 

Harry tried once again to catch Louis’ hand. He wanted to protect him. He wanted to heal every single wound on his body, take care of him and lay next to him until he feels better. Harry was certain he had met Louis for one thing, there must have been a reason. And this reason could be to take care of Louis, to be there for him no matter what. To heal his wounds whenever he would get hurt and to try to heal the damages that his self destruction had caused inside of him, on his soul, on his mind. Louis stepped away from him and Harry felt more alone than he ever felt. Why didn’t Louis want Harry’s help?

“What’s happening? Have I done something wrong?”  
“What the hell Harry? What are you talking about?!” Louis shouted again.   
“Stop shouting at me!” Harry whispered.   
“What the hell is wrong with you?” 

Harry wanted to scream that he couldn’t understand anything, that he had no idea of what he had done wrong, that he needed Louis to tell him. But the truth was, he hadn’t done anything wrong. And Louis hated seeing him trying to protect him while he should hate him. Harry was too good for him. Louis didn’t deserve him and each day was proving him right. He deserved to be all alone, he deserved to lose everyone, he deserved to be hated. But rather than leaving Louis or yelling at him, Harry was sticking up his side and kept on trying to protect him. 

“I’ve just hurt you!” Louis yelled.   
“It was an accident.” Harry said as he tried to grab Louis’ shirt.   
“No matter if it was an accident, your nose is bleeding and you’re here trying to make sure I am fine while… I’ve hurt you!” 

Louis tried to retain the hot tears from rolling down his cheeks but it was too much. Who was him? What had he become? Even if he tried his best, he could never look at himself and see the old him anymore. The joyful version of him, the happy and careless one. He had disappeared, had become its opposite. He was the evil version of himself. He used to hate himself physically, but now he hated himself mentally as well. How could he live? How could he go back to live his life without being able to love anything about himself, from his brain to his skin.

“Why are you still here? Why are you always trying to help me even though I am being a jerk to you?”  
“Because I know you need someone, you’re not a jerk, Louis...” Harry whispered, his heart so heavy and tight. 

Louis sighed loudly, whipping the cold rain from his freezing face. If he was brave enough, he would call Anne and tell her to come pick Harry and he would tell him to drop it, that it was over. That Harry was too much of a good person to be around Louis. That Louis would probably break him anyway. But he was not brave.

“Stop! Why are you even defending me?”  
“Because you...” Harry was cut off.  
“Why are you still here trying to protect me?!”  
“Because you...”  
“Why are you sticking up to someone like me?!”  
“Because I love you!” Harry yelled, the tears starting to roll down on his face again. “I love you, so damn much and I can not bear leaving you in so much pain.”

 

**~ Present time ~**

He hadn’t answered back. He hadn’t said it back. And maybe it was the reason why Harry had ran away. Why Louis hadn’t tried to stop him? Because he had been frozen. He had felt like there was nothing around him, just a loud deafening buzzing sound in his ear. He was totally soaked, from head to toe and he wondered where Harry was gone. He had been looking around for such a long time that his anxiety was reaching new heights. He stopped on a bench on a random pavement. He had probably walked 3 miles or so and he wasn’t even sure where he had left his car. He took his face into his hand, the hot tears mixing with the freezing rain drops. Why did it have to happen? Why did Harry have to say such important words are such a terrible time? Why did he have to fight? Why did he even have to come to this place and break their habits so suddenly? It was meant to happen. Louis was meant to lose Harry. Louis was meant to leave and struggle all alone. His phone rang in his pocket and he took it off, looking at the capitals “MUM” on the screen. He slid his thumb on the already soaked screen and brought the phone to his ear. 

“Where are you Louis?! Anne just called me to tell him she had to pick Harry out of town and she took him to the hospital because his nose was bleeding! What’s happening? Where are you?!” she said quickly, her voice shuddering. 

He didn’t know how he was supposed to feel. Was he supposed to be happy knowing Harry was safe? Or was he supposed to feel like a monster knowing he may have broken Harry’s nose? And if he was being honest, it was a mix of both. 

“I’ll be home soon.” he simply said before he hung up. 

He ran. He ran through the city, trying to remember where his car was. His whole body was painful. It was not because of the fight, he had barely been touched. It was the lack of sleep like a heavy and painful lead bar on his chest, it was the lack of food taking all of his energy away from his tiny body. He didn’t know how to escape the dark place he was held back in. His mind was his cell and his body his prison. He felt like nothing could ever get better. Like he was meant to sink into the coldest ocean, surrounded by starving sharks and ready to feel his flesh being torn off his bones. And he wouldn’t try to swim away, wouldn’t try to fight, because his fate was as dangerous as the hungrier shark, and there was no need to fight.   
When he arrived home twenty minutes later, his mother was waiting in the kitchen with Dan, their arms crossed over their chest. That almost seemed like they were waiting for him to kill him. But Louis didn’t mind, he barely noticed their presence.

“Louis!” Johannah shouted as Louis walked past her. 

She noticed the small bruise on his chin, but she mostly noticed his soaked clothes and his hair stuck to his face. She could see the sadness painting his face and his bloodshot eyes. He looked miserable. She wanted to take him into her arms, to hold him tight against her heart, to let him know she would always be there with him. But she couldn’t. She didn’t know what happened, she didn’t know what her son had done. Did he punch Harry? Did they fight? Anne hadn’t given any information about the situation, she had simply said Harry was bleeding and crying. She had said Harry kept silent, that he didn’t want to talk to her about anything. It was frustrating. Why would their son stop talking to them? Why would their son change so much? She tried to stop him for a while, calling his name numerous times but he didn’t even react, he simply went upstairs and she heard the door close. Her son was broken, how was she supposed to heal him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! How are you ? Hope you're taking care of you during this hot weather!  
> Have you listened to Get Low? What do you think about it ?   
> So here's the 27th chapter!   
> I hope you all liked it !   
> Don't hesitate on giving me your honest opinion !  
> Thank you for reading :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	28. Chapter 28

# MOTHER LOVE 

**_September 8th_ **

In 1871, Arthur Rimbaud, a young French poet, had written “The Drunken Boat” when he was only 17, in which he had told “ _But, truly, I have wept too much! The Dawns are heartbreaking. Every moon is atrocious and every sun bitter._ ”. If Louis had to pick only one quote to define the way he was feeling at that exact moment, he would choose those verses. He felt broken. His eyes were burning from all the tears he had shed. They felt like they were on the verge of exploding. His chest was heavier than ever and everything around him seemed suddenly boring and senseless. From the sun burning his skin too violently to the laughters of his sibling piercing through his eardrums too painfully. He wanted to fade away, to disappear into an insignificant heap of dust. He pleaded for the pain to abandon his body. He begged for his heart to stop aching behind his rib cage. Despite his thousands of silent calls to whoever had control over his destiny, no one had answered him, no one had showed him the way to take, no one had tried to guide him. It felt like insanity had taken over his mind and was holding his soul in hostage. It felt like his whole life was trapped in the grip of lunacy. Louis could not stand up, look at his reflection and recognise himself anymore. He looked, sounded and felt so different that it seemed he had become another person. Someone who had nothing in common with the one who had previously resided into this carnal envelope. He had kept his lips sealed for almost two long and endless days. He had wasted hours lying under his covers, tears streaming down his face and headphone plugged into his ears. He had tried to flee reality. He had tried to avoid the world that kept on turning outside his dark room. But despite the loud music hitting his eardrums, he could still hear life behind his door. He could still hear laughters, fights, stupid TV reality shows and all kind of conversation he wanted so badly to stay away from. But he couldn’t run away from other’s happiness that was filling his house. It almost seemed like joy had stopped behind his door. Too scared to come in Louis’ private hell. Too afraid of facing the starving and rabid Cerberus hidden into the darkness of his mind, ready to jump at any potential saviour’s throat. Because he couldn’t be saved. He didn’t deserve another chance to be happy. He hadn’t protect happiness, hadn’t stopped it from deserting his body, hadn’t held it back from taking all of the confidence and sanity off his body. How could he escape his own mind? How could he make this murdering and torturing pain leave his heart? How was he able to fix himself? Fix his broken mind, fix his malfunctioning body. Would anyone ever be able to come to his rescue and prevent him from drowning into this ocean of pain? The same ocean in which he had been swimming around for months. He couldn’t avoid his fate. That was supposed to happen. All of the pain hammering his chest and all of the tears setting fire to his blue eyes. All of the disappointment and all of the mistakes and fight and stupidities he had done over the last months. It was all planned and meant to happen. He wanted to put a stop to it, he needed to find a way to stop it from killing him. But it was like trying to stop a train going full speed just by standing on the rails. At some point it collides with your insignificant body and you’re nothing more than flesh and bones scattered on the ground. So he laid in his bed because there was nothing more to do to prevent him from perishing. 

He had fought with his mother, the woman that had always been by his side, supporting him no matter what. He had angered her, disappointed her. He had become the heaviest burden on her thin shoulders. He had also probably disappointed his sisters. Disappointed his step father. He had become the ugly duckling of his family, of his friends. He had hurt the person he cared the most about, physically and mentally. He had lost him, probably, and there was no point in trying to get him back because. It was too late to bring back the pieces together. He felt more alone than ever. Maybe it was for the best though. His loneliness couldn’t affect anyone else than himself. The fact he was away from others was a way to protect them from him and his destructive behaviour. If he was all alone, there was no one to hurt anymore.  
When Louis fell asleep in the middle of the day, his cheeks were still soaked with hi salty tears. His lids still looked swollen, but finally it was calm and quiet. The tiredness had disappeared, the heavy weight had flown away. He was finally in peace for a little while. He had been asleep for ten minutes when the door opened, the bright light from the hallway enlightened the dark room. Johannah observed from where she was standing for a while. She noticed he didn’t speak up to yell at her to close the door and to leave him alone. She noticed he didn’t try to lie about how he felt perfectly fine and how he didn’t need her to check if he was still alive every hour. She also notice the way his small chest went up and down slowly under the covers so she silently stepped in the room and closed the door, plunging the room into its usually darkness. She wondered the last time she had had a real conversation with her son. It was probably before Ernest and Doris’ were born. She felt guilty. She hadn’t noticed how her son had been changing through the past months. But maybe she simply didn’t want to accept her so strong son wasn’t as strong anymore. She walked quietly toward his bed and she lifted the covers and climbed on the mattress, begging for Louis not to wake up. It may sound surprising or strange. But Johannah had always considered Louis like a baby. She knew he had matured, grown up and became an adult but in her heart he was still the small baby she used to keep against her chest. In the past, they were used to lay together and talk about everything, she was his best friend, his confident. She had was used to know everything about his life because he liked talking to her, he had always trusted her. So she just needed to hug her son, her first child. The one who taught her how to be a mother. Johannah wrapped her arm around his thin waist and she could feel his bones under his shirt. She found his hand and held it into hers. She shed some tears when she felt how bony his back was. Where were all of his curves gone? Where her healthy and happy son ran away? And when? And why didn’t she realise sooner that her child was secretly broken inside? Why did she run away from reality, the sad and dark reality of what her son had become? 

She spent about an hour beside her child, her grown up child. She spent this hour trying to figure out what was a lie, what was the truth from what Louis had told her over the last weeks. She had tried to understand what could had caused such a big change into her joyful and happy son. She had tried to go through everything that had supposedly happened into Louis’ life, only to realise that she didn’t know much anymore. All she was pretty sure about was his break up with Tamara and his meeting with Harry. Around 5pm, she sad down in the garden, the sun was high and bright in the blue sky. In two days, the weather went from gloomy and rainy to bright and sunny. Lottie was sitting next to her, her phone into her hand, going through her contacts. Johannah was nervously biting her light pink nail. 

“Okay, so, I only have Harry’s phone number.” she said as she looked up to her mother. 

Johannah let her hand fall onto the wooden table in a loud noise. Yes. Maybe it was a bad idea but she hadn’t managed to find any other way to understand what was going on in her child’s life. She could not sit there, witnessing his self destruction and only trying to guess what was the causes of his uneasiness.

“I can go and see him in person late. I needed his friends’ numbers, those tattooed boys.”  
“I have Sophia’s phone number though...” her daughter mumbled, hesitantly.

Johannah hadn’t considered the possibility of a new girlfriend in Louis’ life. Until this look. This expression painted on her beautiful daughter’s face. She had simply thought that Louis and Tamara couldn’t get on anymore. After all, they had both grown up in their own way since the day they had met. And maybe they had simply become too different. She had never thought that the reason of their break up could have been the arrival of a new girl into his life.

“Why would the babysitter know anything about Louis?” she asked, suspicious.   
“Well, we didn’t tell you sooner because we were scared you wouldn’t want her to watch the twins anymore. But Sophia is Liam’s girlfriend… and, she lived with him now so...”  
“I do not hate those boys Lottie, I was just sceptical. Sophia is a nice girl I wouldn’t have done that.” 

Lottie smiled and texted Sophia in a rush, asking her for Liam’s phone number. She gave some vague explanations of the situation they were in. After a couple of minutes, a new unknown number appeared on her screen. She quickly gave the phone to her mother, letting her know she believed it was Liam, Louis’ best friend. Johannah’s heart was beating fast in her chest, she didn’t know what she was about to hear, what she was about to find about her son. And she was terrified, because at this moment everything was blurred and unpredictable. She picked up, bringing the phone to her ear after breathing in deeply, trying her best to get ready for whatever was coming. 

“Hello?” she said, her voice trembling a bit as it crossed her lips.   
“Hmm, hi, Mrs. Deakin?” the masculine voice said falteringly. 

For a short moment, Johannah didn’t know what to do. That had never happened before. She had never had to _investigate_ on one of her kid’s life. And she almost felt guilty from trying to snoop into his life. But she knew it was not curiosity anymore, it was concern. She didn’t know in what state of mind her son was at the moment, could he ever try to hurt himself in any way? And what if he had already done it?

“Good Afternoon, Liam? Right?” she started, unsure.   
“Yes, it’s me. You said you needed help for Louis?” 

It was hard, confusing and her head was throbbing in pain already. She wondered if his friend knew more than she knew. What if no one actually knew anything about Louis anymore? What if he had secrets for everyone and not only his mother? What if no one was able to help her. 

“Indeed, I am really worried about Louis… He has changed a lot recently, he had dropped several pounds and he… I think he even started to drink a lot… I just wondered if you knew anything? Anything that could help me understand?” she stated, slowly.   
“Hmm… I don’t know much really, he had taken some distance from me recently, I don’t really hear from him a lot… And to be completely honest I don’t know why. He doesn’t really see anyone apart from Harry anymore… They came to my birthday party some days ago but we didn’t really chat… I noticed he had changed I just didn’t know if I could do anything about it because he always keep everything inside.” 

At that moment, Johannah wondered if anyone knew anything about her son’s life anymore. Did anyone knew who Louis was, now? Who he had become and how, why. And when it had all fallen apart. 

“Maybe our friend Zayn could help you, he notices things, he will probably know more than me.” Liam spoke up after the absence of answer. “I will send you his phone number.”  
“Thank you very much Liam.” she said, her hand over her heart.   
“No problem, I hope Louis will get better soon, I miss him.”

Second after he hung up, Lottie’s phone buzzed into her hands. When Johannah opened the text from the unknown – Liam’s – number, it was another phone number. Next to it was written _“I hope Zayn will be able to help you find out what is wrong with Lou, we love him and hope he will be fine!”_. Her finger tapped the number. It took at least four or five rings until another masculine voice broke the silence.

“Hello?” he sounded surprised.  
“Hi? Is it Zayn?” she asked.   
“Hmm, yeah? Who is it?”  
“It’s Louis’ mother, Johannah.” she answered slowly, a large lump across her throat preventing her from breathing properly.

For almost one minute, it was silent on the line, she had to check several time to make sure he hadn’t hung up on her. His long silence was terrifying, her blood almost froze into her veins as she waited for him to say something. She knew. She knew he must know much more than Liam. She knew Louis had told him things, or maybe he had found it by himself. No matter how he had found out, she knew he could help her and she was not so sure to be ready to hear what he had to say.

“Is Louis okay?” he asked suddenly, breaking the heavy silence.   
“I don’t think so...” she admitted, her heart tightening into her chest. “And I have no clue why he looks so different. I wondered if you would be able to help me.” 

She heard the boy sigh loudly, he seemed to mumble some non-audible words before he spoke up again. Lottie looked tense and nervous next to her and she took her hand, holding it tightly because they would go through this together. Because they would try and help Louis together, showing him they were all here for him and would always be. 

“You know… I think Louis needs to tell you something really important. I think he wants to, but maybe he retains himself from fear.”  
“Can’t you tell me?” she tried, because that was why she was calling him. 

She didn’t need to hear from some kid that she needed to talk to her son, because he knew it. She just needed to know what she should talk about with him. She needed someone to guide her. Because she was lost.

“Louis trusts me. I won’t betray him. I think it’s time for him to tell you, I think he’s waited enough and now he feels trapped and I don’t think he plans on telling you if you don’t try to ask him about it.”  
“But how am I supposed to ask him about it if I do not know?”  
“Louis deals with a lot of anxiety at the moment… He keeps everything inside because he’s terrified of disappointing you and your family. He needs to get this out of his chest but he doesn’t know how or when. Just let him know you love him no matter what. Just prove it to him. And I will also try to convince him that he needs to tell you.” 

When Louis woke up in his bed, he didn’t remember anything for a very short minute. He stayed there, feeling light and a small smile on his lips because his dream was very pleasant. A dream full of love, peace and happiness that was so quickly crashed by reality, tearing his smile of his face and throwing the anchor back on his chest and hanging the burdens back on his thin and bony shoulders. He looked at the chandelier he could barely discern in the darkness of the room. He didn’t feel like getting up although his bladder was asking for it. He felt weak and it seemed like he wouldn’t even have enough strength left in his body to walk to the bathroom and back to his bed. He wanted to live a normal life, just like he used to before. When he used to wake up and kiss Tamara, get up around 8 and do some work for school until going back to his house and keep an eye on his sibling. He would take them to the pool and have fun with them. Everything had gone into smoke and Louis hated the feeling of something missing in the bottom of his heart, without even knowing what it was. He had a hard time breathing properly, the imaginary weight on his torso felt like crashing his lungs and pressing onto his throat. It was uncomfortable and painful but he had no idea how he could get rid of it, or if it was even a possibility.  
He grabbed his phone that was still on the bedside table and when the light strike his eyes, he covered the screen with his hand, trying to accommodate his blue eyes to the aggressive light. He noticed he had received some messages. He didn’t take the time to try and read who it was from before unlocking the phone and tapping onto the envelope icon. He opened Zayn’s texts first, he was a bit surprised as his friend was telling him he needed to tell his mum. It was a whole group of long paragraphs listing different reasons why he should do it but it didn’t convince Louis though. He was not ready for such a thing and he wished would stop trying to convince him, because obviously, it was never a success. He had also a text from Liam, asking him to hang out the next day but once again, Louis didn’t answer. Maybe he would answer later, he didn’t want to agree of this now knowing perfectly that tomorrow he would probably be enchained to his bed all day. The last text was from Harry. His heart stopped in his chest as he read his name on his screen. He didn’t think Harry would ever want to talk to him again, he didn’t think Harry would ever try to reach to him again. After what had happened, he expected Harry to simply stop everything, break up with Louis and ask his mum to hire a professional teacher to help him. But Harry was still there, always and he knew he didn’t deserve so much devotion. His hand was trembling as his finger tapped on his name. 

**“Your mum just came to see me, she asked things. Don’t freak out, I kept my mouth shut.” ******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, hope you're all feeling good!   
> Did anyone watch the Dunkirk Premiere? Is everyone overexcited because of Louis teasing us Back To You ?   
> Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter, a bit different indeed.   
> Thanks for reading !  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> \- Lisa -


	29. Chapter 29

# NO MORE LIE

_**September 9th** _

Harry was sitting on the window sill, his earphones plugged into his ears. He could feel the sun stroke his cheek and it was burning his skin softly. The music echoing into his brain helped him stop thinking about everything around him. All the things he wasn’t happy to remember. All the things he wished he could erase from his past. Strangely, his eyesight wasn’t the most terrible thing now. It wasn’t the cause of the uncomfortable feeling of burning in the bottom of his stomach or the pressure onto his heart. And for a brief moment, he wished he had never met Louis. He didn’t want to be in love, it hurt. It was much different from what he had experienced with Carrie. Their relationship had always been a bit _childish_. It was not the most important thing in his world. He would say they had rather been each other’s best friend than a real couple. And it had been great, full of fun most of the time because they were still young and not really aware of the reality of a relationship in the adult world. The accident had thrown Harry in the horrendous reality, the scary part of the world in which he had never set a foot. But now it was different. This relationship was different. The feelings he had for Louis were so different from those he used to have for Carrie. And it was scary, because he had no idea if Louis felt the same way. He loved him. He loved him the way he had never loved anyone else and he couldn’t even explain how scary it was. He heard knocks on the door and it pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Honey?” Anne’ voice appeared in the room. 

Harry took off his earphone and sat back down onto his bed. He leaned against the wall, waiting for his mother to join him. And he knew he was ready. It had to happen.

“Gemma told me you needed to talk to me about something?” she asked as she came closer to her son to sit next to him.

He was playing with the rings around his fingers. It was surprisingly calming to have them and play with them every now and then. He cracked his knuckles, trying to get ready to whatever he had planned. He had practised a lot, mostly inside his head not to be heard in case he would change his mind. The whole speech was ready. But he was still terrified. He was not scared of how his mother would react, he was scared to make a mistake. What if it was not a good decision? What if it turned out to have terrible consequences? 

“I wanted to talk to you about something serious...” he started. 

Anne sat down more comfortably although the situation was making her very anxious. She wondered what _serious_ meant to Harry. She wondered how serious it was to him and if it would sound as serious to her. But no matter if he wanted to talk to her about the weather or the way he felt inside, it would matter the same. She stroked his back softly, letting him know she would always be there for him. No matter what happened, she would always be there. But Harry was scared. He had imagined the scene many time in his head. What would happen? How would he admit it to her? And when? And he found himself having some second thought about it all suddenly. He had always built a perfect image of his mother, a supportive, strong and overly kind woman. But what if she was not as supportive as he had always thought she would? He hadn’t talked to her about anything yet, nothing about Louis, nothing about the kisses or the fight. He had lied to his mother so much those last months that he felt like she wouldn’t forgive him. 

“You know you can tell me anything you want, right Harry?” she said after noticing how anxious he looked. 

She took one of his hands in between hers and stroked the back of it with her thumb, to try and give him some courage. 

“I know it may sound a bit strange but I really need to take it off my chest already. I don’t want to lie to you anymore, mum, and I’m sorry I’ve been lying for such a long time. I’ve always trusted you and I used to tell you everything, even the most embarrassing thing because you’re the best mummy I could ever ask for. I don’t want to find an excuse for hiding things to you but I want you to know that it wasn’t my decision. And if it was up to me, I would have told you a long time ago, because I trust you.” 

He was not even close to the end. Anne frowned. It was definitely not about the weather. She was expecting him to tell him he had stolen, fought with someone, did something very bad that would force him to hide it to her. And she silently hoped he was just overreacting about the whole secret he was about to share with her. 

“And I am really sorry I didn’t. It was very hard for me to hide it and keep it to myself. I really wanted to tell you but I didn’t want to break my promise. But now, I just need you to know so I can have advice. Niall doesn’t have really great advice. But I want you to be aware of who your son is and I really hope you won’t mind. But, before I tell you, I need you to promise not to tell anyone, I am already breaking my promise and it would be terrible if it spread.”

Anne smiled a bit at her son’s face. She was pretty sure it wasn’t something illegal, not if Niall knew. The little blond boy would have told her a long time ago if it was something illegal or wrong. Each time Harry had tried to skip maths at school, she would get a text from Niall just so Anne would call Harry and lecture him about the importance of school. That had engendered a lot of fights between the two teens because Niall had never been unable to hold his tongue. 

“I promise, honey. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me too.” 

Harry breathed in deeply. He was ready. It was now. 

“I have a boyfriend.” he simply said. 

Anne looked at her son’s face with his pinkish cheeks and his eyes shut. She brought her hand to his bare arm and stroked it gently. 

“Is it Louis?” she asked with a smile painted over her lips. 

Harry felt his cheeks burn when he nodded under his mother’s eyes. It was different from when he had talked to her about Carrie. He didn’t know if it was because Louis was a boy, or because this time it was more serious, it implied much more. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders when she saw her son blush. She brought him closer and smiled. 

“And how is it going?” she asked again. 

Anne was happy to hear one of Harry’s secret, it had been a while since they had last sat down together and talked. Harry shrugged. _Complicated_ was the only word that came to his mind after her question. As much as he loved Louis, he had to admit Louis was a complicated boy. It was even a bit hard to understand him. But he enjoyed being with him when Louis was himself, when there was no pain to bring him to do bad things. 

“He is not okay, mum.” 

Anne frown, confused about what her son meant. Although she had noticed Louis’ skinny body, she didn’t try much to know more about the situation. After all, she didn’t know the young boy before they moved in. Harry didn’t wait for a reply before speaking up again.

“He’s very sad sometimes. Sometimes, it’s hard to make him stop crying. And, he drinks too, he smocks and I believe he only does that so he can try and run away from whatever hurt him inside.”

Anne looked at her son with disbelief. Louis didn’t look like someone who would drink alcohol, or at least not more than a normal kid drinking at a party. But she wasn’t even sure to know everything about her children anyway. Everyone had become pretty unpredictable all around her. 

“Did you ask him what was wrong?” she asked as she stroked his arm to comfort him.  
“I don’t think he would ever wants to tell me… He doesn’t like to talk about stuff like this. He always says he is fine, but I know he isn’t. He hides everything, and the only time he doesn’t hide is when he can’t control his tears. But I want him to trust me… It may be stupid since I just broke my promise to keep my mouth shut but...” the young boy was suddenly cut off.  
“No, no baby. I understand that you want to take care of him and protect him and help him, but you also have to take care of you. Harry, if you wanted and needed to tell me, then you had to and Louis shouldn’t be mad at you for something that you needed to do to feel better.”  
“But he is scared.” 

For a moment, Harry believed he had done a terrible mistake by telling his mum about Louis. If Louis knew, he would be mad, really mad and he knew it would not end well. He would probably leave Louis for not being trustworthy. And Harry could already feel guilt fill his veins. 

“He thinks his mother will hate him for dating me. And I told him that she wouldn’t care but he doesn’t believe me. And it’s killing him mum, I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so useless when I am with him.”

 

_“If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.”_ Louis had read Emily Brontë’s “Wuthering Heights” years ago, for his own curiosity. This time, he was following an advice from his literature teacher who had informed them their second year would be focused on English literature from the 19th century. College was about to start again and Louis could already feel anxiety gnaw on his nerves. And reading the novel was probably not the best idea to calm himself and free this mind from all the stress that had been piling up those last months. The first time he had read it, he was far from nervous, he was totally carefree and pretty happy really. The book had opened his eyes on love, a complex story of love, insecurities and pain, many things he hadn’t experimented in the past. But this time, it was a totally different experience. Many things written on the paper was strangely truthful to him, too many things he could now identify to. And it made his reading much harder, much darker. The book seemed almost too heavy in between his hands, almost burning his fingertips and he wanted to throw it away from him, as much as he had enjoyed it before. He lifted his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. His eyes had been painful lately, too much or too little sleep, too much tears rolling down his face. Maybe he was still able to look at the world all around him and handle the pain throbbing into his head and setting his eyes into fire, but reading tiny letters on a yellowish paper were too much to ask. So he was back to wearing his pair of glasses, just for now, just for today. He felt even more insecure with them on. He took out his phone from his backpack and unlocked it in a slow manner. He had noticed how slow he had become. How slow all of his gestures were and how he could not even try to speed them up because he had absolutely no energy left for this much effort. The slightest effort seemed insurmountable, what was so easy to others was almost impossible to him. He felt weak and stupid, useless and he hated the pressure on his heart making him feel like he was a nobody. He had sent a message to Harry the night before, approximatively 15 hours ago. _“What did she ask? Does she suspect anything? Tell me exactly what you said!”_. He was still waiting for an answer. 

“Hey!” 

Louis looked up to see Liam standing in front of him. The younger boy took his headphones off his ears and let them hang around his neck. He was wearing some large hoodie and a pair of long grey shorts. The sweats rolling down his temples indicated he had been running. Louis felt suddenly very small and uncomfortable under his best friend’s eyes. 

“Hmm, hi.” Louis whispered as he took his glasses off, putting them back into his backpack with his phone.   
“Can I sit?”

Liam pointed at the grass next to Louis. The blue eyed boy had wanted to get out the house, it was not much of a sunny day and he knew there wouldn’t be many people at the park, but of course, Liam had to be there. He nodded slowly and Liam smiled softly as he sat down next to his friend. It was silent for a while. There was a heavy tension floating over both of them like a rainy cloud over their heads, about to burst into devastating thunders. Liam wanted their friendship back, he wanted everything back. 

“What are you doing here?” Liam asked, trying to break the silence.   
“Getting back to study.” he said, lifting his book and shaking it slightly. 

Liam smiled and nodded. This whole situation was strange and the atmosphere almost oppressive, for both of them. It had changed. A lot had changed through the months. And Louis knew he was the only culprit. He didn’t know how he could ever fix all of this. How could he fix something that seemed hopeless and unfixable? The only way he could ever sort it out was by fixing himself, and was it even possible anymore? Would he be able to gather all the pieces of his broken mind, of his soul in shreds? He didn’t believe in himself enough to think he had the strength to get back onto his feet to face the world. 

“Louis, what’s wrong?” Liam asked suddenly as he leaned on. 

At this moment, under Liam’s eyes, he wished he could just let the words slip out of mouth, carefree. He wished he had enough strength and trust to just admit it. Admit that he was absolutely broken inside. Admit that there was almost nothing left in him but a small, tiny, wooden locked box in the bottom of his heart, ready to be opened by someone who would love him enough to find it. Admit that his mind and soul were shattered, and that he had absolutely no idea how he was supposed to gather all the pieces and stick them back together because he could do barely anything by himself anymore. Admit that he felt physically exhausted, weak and useless. Admit that he needed someone, he needed all of them to know all of those things but it was blocked somewhere inside it, crushing onto his heart, trying to get out of here. But the words couldn’t find a way out. 

“Nothing at all.” he finally replied, sticking his fakest smile onto his lips and shrugging.

And this time he wished Liam would see through his lies. That he would see under the happy mask he was always putting on. That he would notice the pain and anxiety and insecurities covering his face drowned in hot tears. But what would he say anyway? What lies would he find again to try and make it up? Because after all, this hope he had about finally being able to tell someone _I feel like I am fucking dying_ , would he still be able to let people see him as who he was now? 

“Do you think I can believe you? Did you truly think I would ever believe you?”

Louis was caught unawares. He suddenly forgot how to breathe and his heart beat faster into his chest, his lungs were calling for air but Louis didn’t really know how to do it anymore. It was blocked halfway through his throat. He couldn’t even hear a thing apart from the buzzing sound of anxiety running up his legs to play with his stomach. Could he get up on his legs and run away? Run away from his best friend and the questions, or lecture, which was about to be thrown at him like a destroying storm on a forest.

“Why don’t you tell me anything anymore?” Liam asked, staring at his friend. “Don’t you trust me anymore? Why? What did I do? I don’t understand why you almost stopped talking to me and if I’ve done anything that made you think I didn’t care or that you couldn’t trust me anymore, I am really sorry… I just want us to talk like we used to and… “the young boy was suddenly cut off.  
“I love Harry.” 

It wasn’t planned. At all. And Louis regretted it at the very moment he heard his voice pronounce Harry’s name. It was a mistake. A big, huge mistake. He couldn’t take back those words and make Liam forget what he had just heard. So he looked down at the grass, praying silently for Liam to ignore his reply and talk randomly about the good weather or the next Avatar movie that was taking ages to be produced. But it didn’t happened. Of course Liam couldn’t brush it off. 

“Is that why you broke up with Tamara?”  
“No… I mean… I guess it carried weight in my decision of ending it.” Louis whispered as he started pulling onto the grass.   
“Does he love you too? Did you discuss it with him?” 

Louis nodded. He wasn’t sure if he could tell Liam about what Harry had admitted to him some days ago. He was not sure if Harry would ever want someone to know it. Love was something important but terribly frightening to Louis. In a way, his love for Harry was the strongest he had ever witnessed. It was too strong for his fragile heart. He was not sure if it was healthy to love someone as much as he loved Harry and that’s why he couldn’t tell him. That’s why he couldn’t admit it to Harry. Because he was absolutely terrified. Terrified of his own feelings, feelings it seemed he had never experienced before. 

“We.. we’ve been together, I guess. But he’s just so great, and I am… bad for him. I do bad things.”

Louis was pulling onto the green grass, trying his best to avoid Liam’s look. He almost looked like a child.

“Is there something to do with that?” Liam asked as he pointed at the bruise over Louis’ chin.

Louis shrugged. He wished he could tell him right now, right there, how he truly felt. How trapped he felt all the time, every single hours of every single day. Just how painful his body was and how heavy his heart seemed. How tired he was of living, of trying to find a reason to get up in the morning to face the world. It wasn’t all the time, sometimes the sun shined brightly in his dark world, a random beam of sunlight to brighten his day. And in those sort of happier moment, he still managed to feel bad because he knew he was able to fall back into the depths of despair, trying to find a way out, just to fall back again. 

“You do know I would never judge you, right? Zayn told me he told you for us. And you do know now I will never judge you, on anything. If your have problems, you can tell me what it is about. I am not saying I will be able to do much, but I can listen to you and it can help.”

Louis looked up to his friend. He felt like a little child trying his best to hide the expensive vase he had broken because he was terrified of getting yelled at. He was scared. Scared about letting his most frightening demons out. Scared of people, his friends, his family, realising how different he was now. How terrible he was. How selfish. How ugly. How stupid. How annoying. He was scared of people finding out who he was, now. He was scared of the truth and its consequences. He was not ready to face the truth, his own truth. It felt too early, rushed and terrifying. But he knew if he had to wait to be ready, the time would probably never come and he would stay trapped in his own secrets for the next months, years. Until he has enough to keep on living with such an inexplicable weight onto his chest. Until he has enough to get up, until breathing became painful. 

“I am not enough for him, and I will never be. It’s just like, he had gathered all the beauty of the world, he is the brightest side of earth. He’s the rare unpolluted ocean, he’s the beautiful creature men hadn’t found yet. He’s that part of the Amazon that hadn’t been destroyed yet. And I am humanity. I am the one who is going to destroy and break all of his beauty, all of his innocence and happiness. He doesn’t understand that. I want him to realise he would be so much better without me around.”

Liam was listening. He was also wondering where all of this were coming from so suddenly? When had he started to drag himself down so much? To see himself so negatively. Louis was an amazing friend and had always been to him. He could only be a great boyfriend to Harry, no matter if he thought he was the worst. Liam wanted to say something, deny everything he had just said and try to make him realise how wrong he was. But he could see on Louis’ face, he had more things to say. 

“And at the same time, I feel like if he left, I could die. I feel like he has became the only thing that helps me to get up in the morning. He became such an important part of my life and I am afraid. I am terrified that one day, he realises how bad I am for him. If he leaves me, I am nothing anymore.”

And there was nothing more true, than those words. Harry had become his _everything_. Do you realise how scary it was to him? When Harry was around, it was brighter. There was a sweet smell of fig and lemon that overshadowed the horrendous scent of life. There was his warm embrace that enfolded his tiny freezing body. If there was no Harry, he would feel like dying in the middle of the apocalypse.   
When Louis heard his phone buzz in his bag pocket, he took it out to give a quick look, because Liam was still silent, probably waiting for him to add something.

**From Harry: “ _Don’t hate me, I told my mum everything._ ”**

And at that very moment, everything around Louis seemed to crash down for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! How are you today?   
> Have you listened to Louis' new single? Isn't it amazing? Bebe's and Louis' voices fit so perfectly together.  
> Have you watched the music video?   
> Also, have you watched Dunkirk yet or are you planning on going to see?   
> But, anyway, I hope you liked this chapter ! Leave a comment to give me your opinion, I'd be very happy to read about it!   
> Thanks again for all of you who leave kudos!! We're getting very close to the end!  
> Thanks for reading!   
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	30. Chapter 30

# ALL OVER AGAIN

_**September 10th** _

It was 6 pm when Anne entered the room, Harry was laying in bed already, he was tired. He also felt a bit sick, he didn’t know if it was because of standing in the rain or because he had left the window opened all night. His throat was sore and his head was throbbing in pain. Maybe it was also because he hadn’t received any answer from Louis. Although he didn’t expect to get any reply, knowing Louis was upset and mad at him. 

“Harry?” Anne said as she walked closer to the bed. 

He turned around, letting her know he was listening. He felt guilty. He had sent many messages to Louis. He had tried to explain why he had done it, how he felt and how he wished Louis would forgive him for breaking his promise. He had waited hours and hours, plunged in a whole lot of stress and fear of never being forgiven. 

“Baby, Louis is in the hospital.” 

The 16 year old boy sat down quickly, it almost seemed like every single thing had stopped all around him. The world had stopped turning, the time stopped on the clocks, there was no oxygen left for his lungs. Everything was painfully silent. What had happened? What had Louis done? And suddenly, the scariest thought hit Harry’s brain. What if Louis had tried to end it all? Why if Louis had had enough and couldn’t go on with life anymore? What if Louis had left him all alone? He couldn’t bear the idea of losing him, of walking in the street without holding onto his elbow. Harry had failed to protect him. He had failed to take care of him. He had failed terribly and he could feel the burning tears filling his eyes. 

“Hey, honey, he’s fine, he’s just going through medical examination.”  
“What..” but the words couldn’t escape his mouth, they were trapped in the middle of his throat.  
“I am not sure, I think he fought with someone. His sister told me he was lucky his friend was with him or it would have been worse.”   
“Can we go?” 

And of course, Anne couldn’t refuse. The visiting hours were still opened and Johannah was at the hospital with Louis. In the car, Harry couldn’t stop the terrible scenarios going through his mind as they were getting closer to the hospital. He felt guilty, everything was probably his fault. But in a way, Harry wondered why Louis was making himself go through so much. The tears fell down his cheeks after pressing too hard on his eyelids. He wished he could do something. He wished he had stopped the fight at the café. But he hadn’t been able to. He wished he had been with Louis to stop him from fighting, but he knew too well he would have been useless. Under his hands, Louis had felt so easily breakable lately. It seemed like if Harry held him too tightly, his bones would break into thousand pieces under his skin. When the car stopped, Harry breathed in deeply. He was scared. Would Louis even want him here? He probably hated him right now and he was not sure he wanted to hear Louis yell at him in a hospital room. But pretty quickly he was walking in the hallway, holding on his mother’s arm. His stomach was upside down and he was happy he hadn’t eaten much that day or he would have thrown up already.

“It’s the room 115, we have to take the elevator.” 

When they stopped in front of the room, Harry breathed in deeply, trying to gather his strength and courage to open the door and go inside the room. He was not even sure if he had any right to be there. He was not sure if he wanted to be there. For Louis, yes, of course he wanted to be next to him. Even if it implied being yelled at for not being trustworthy. He needed to. But he hated hospital. Did anyone like hospital anyway? Harry had spent way too much time trapped in his hospital room months ago and it just brought back bad memories. Harry nodded, letting Anne know he was ready. Even though he was so far from being ready. But he knew he needed to be with Louis in those moments. He couldn’t leave him alone to face this hard time. He heard the knocks on the door and a feminine voice allowing them to come in. He followed his mother inside after the door opened. His stomach was painful and he could almost feel his diner going back up. His lungs cried for more air.

“Oh, hi.” Johannah said, surprised to see them here. 

Anne noticed her bloodshot eyes and although she was smiling at them, it betrayed her sadness. The braid in which was trapped her hair was messy and thin strands of hair were falling all around her face.   
Louis stopped breathing when Harry’s and Anne’s faces appeared in the white dazzling bright room. He wanted to run away. So fast. He didn’t want all of them in the same room, not now, not in such circumstances or anytime soon anyway. He couldn’t have control of the situation, Anne could just tell his mother everything. No. Louis looked down to his hands and refused to look up. He considered to faint being asleep to avoid any question and any catastrophe that would turn his world into a more chaotic place than it already was. But he knew it wouldn’t work, because he had been talking with Johannah until the door opened. 

“Johannah, may I talk to you?” 

Louis looked up violently and watched the two women walked toward the door and open it after Johannah informed him she would be back soon. The pain in the young boy’s stomach had nothing to do with the fact he hadn’t eaten anything. It was pressure, anxiety and the uncontrollable fear running through his body. Anne would tell her. His world was going to fall apart. He would be alone, all alone in the middle of a freezing ocean, surrounded by sharks. 

“Don’t worry, she won’t tell her anything. She promised.” 

Louis shook his head as he looked back to Harry. 

“If she’s as good as keeping promise as you are… Then I might sleep in the street tonight.” 

Harry sighed as he stretched his hands in front of him and ran his fingers on the mattress as he walked carefully, closer to Louis. He hated the heavy tension floating in the room, it was heavy, on both of their chest and Harry’s guilt was quickly replaced with annoyance. 

“Can you stop creating an horrendous image of your amazing mother?! We all know she’ll support you but you’re so stubborn I swear. When will you realise you’re the only one who doesn’t accept yourself? When you will stop throwing the hate you have for yourself on others?”

Harry was standing straight next to the bed, his arms were crossed over his chest. Louis believed he had never seen Harry so serious in the past. Even though it wasn’t the good moment for that, Louis thought it was incredibly hot on him but he brushed the thought away quickly. Harry brushed his large hands in the air, trying to find a chair to sit on. Louis grabbed his hand and pull on it, letting him know he could sit on the bed. Louis cleared his throat. 

“I told Liam. And Zayn has known for a while now. My mother? It’s different. She has been my best friend for 18 years. If she ends up hating me… I could just die Harry. I’ve disappointed her so much lately.” 

Harry wished he could find the way to Louis’ brain and change all the wrong thing in it. He wished he could erase all of his insecurities, he wanted Louis to walk around feeling like the most handsome model, like a real king. He wanted him to see the truth and not the lies he had made up about himself. It was hard to know how amazing Louis was without being able to make him understand. 

“Would you want me to be there when you tell her? I mean, do you think it could help you? I could support you.”   
“How did you tell your mum?” 

Harry shrugged. He could tell a heavy weight had been taken off his shoulders since Louis hadn’t thrown him out of the room yet. 

“I just told her I needed to tell her something, but that she needed to keep it to herself, and she will. I swear you don’t have to worry about that. I am sorry I broke my promise. Your mother has always been your best friend, and my mum has always been mine. And I needed her to know this about me.”

Louis looked down to his hands, he wished he had the courage to do such a thing. He wished he could talk about everything to his mum, just like he used to. Time had passed, things had changed, that’s the only reason he could give to why he had stopped confessing everything to Johannah. Louis took Harry’s hand in his and stroke his skin with his thumb.

“I understand. I am tired of being scared, you know.”

It sounded like a confidence and Harry was fully listening, he wanted to let Louis talk. He wanted him to feel like he could tell Harry absolutely anything. To feel safe. 

“I don’t really know what is happening to me. Deep down, I know my mum wouldn’t kick me out or anything, but I can’t really explain why I managed to convince me she would.”

Harry nodded and stroke Louis’ hand with his finger, very gently, just to make it aware he was there. To make him aware he would always be there. Come hell or high water, he would always manage to find a way to be next to Louis to support him.

“It always feels like there’s a storm in my head. It hurts sometimes… I can’t stop it, it just goes crazy and I have no control over it.”

Harry ran his fingers up and down Louis’ arm, slowly. Louis was glad Harry wasn’t talking and for a second, he wondered if Harry just knew he appreciated his silence. He didn’t need any reply and would rather talk a bit, without questions. Louis lifted his hand slowly, holding onto his ribs as he hissed a bit. He grazed Harry’s bruised nose, pinching his lips. He felt awfully guilty.

“I am sorry about that...” he whispered.

Under his fingers, it seemed like Harry’s cheeks got warmer as it took a light tint of pink. He wanted to go back in time, he wished he had met Harry before all of this. He would have probably told his mum already, and they could kiss in front of us until she told them, annoyed, to stop.

“It’s fine Louis, don’t worry about that. You’re the one in hospital, by the way, what happened?”  
“I went to the café with Liam because I wanted to refund them the things I’ve broken. When we left, the guy I’ve fought with the other day was there, with his friends. They saw us and they beat my ass.”

Louis chuckled a bit at the end of his sentence, almost like it was only a joke. It was not really funny, Louis just thought it was not that bad and pretty ironic how that café didn’t bring anything good to him. He looked at Harry who was frowning deeply. 

“I am fine Harry, relax. I just have a broken rib and a sprained wrist. And some bruises here and there.”

But it didn’t prevent Harry from being worried. He was not only worried about Louis’ physical health, but mostly about how Louis felt, inside. What if next time he lost control of himself it would be against Harry? Harry knew he shouldn’t be scared of Louis, and in a way, he didn’t. He trusted him. But it was obvious that Louis hadn’t had any control of his acts during the fight, he kept going even with Harry begging him to stop. Louis didn’t care, or didn’t hear. But it was scary and worrying. He wanted to heal him, to heal this boy who seemed so broken under his hands all the time. So weak but so strong and Harry wanted to give him a bit of his own strength. 

“You know, Niall’s birthday is in three days...” the young boy started.  
“Are you travelling to your old city to party with him?” Louis asked. 

He was a bit sad at the idea of spending more time away from Harry. If Louis could spend the rest of his life with him, every single day, every minutes of every hour, he would definitely do it. It was a bit – a lot – strange and scary how bad he needed to be next to the young boy to feel a bit better. How many hopes he had to spend the rest of his life with him. It was a bit stupid, he knew it. He hadn’t even told his family yet and he felt too ashamed and afraid to do so. 

“Actually, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come with me, and maybe Zayn and Liam could come as well. I didn’t have much friends over there, I only had Niall, and well, Carrie I guess. And for our birthdays, we were always only the two of us. I want him to have a nice birthday this year. If we could all go, he would be very happy.”  
“I’ll talk about it to the boys, I am sure they will agree!”

Harry smiled, he was about to answer when the door open and the younger boy was the one to leave Louis’ hand first and jump off the bed. He wouldn’t be the one who was going to give them away to Johannah. She was not his mother and he had no right to tell her. Louis smiled and looked up to the doctor who came in the room, followed by Johannah and Anne.

“So Mr Tomlinson, we don’t have any reason to keep you here tonight, so you can leave. You just need to sign the papers at the reception.”

Johannah smiled at him and walked closer to her son, patting his shoulder gently. He looked up at her, with a shy smile over his lips. She looked exhausted and he wondered why she was still supporting him. Obviously, she was his mother and it was on the contract she had to _sign_ when he was born. But some mothers abdicate their responsibilities and Louis knew that. But Johannah stuck to her responsibilities, she stayed around Louis and supported him. And although it wouldn’t seem anything but normal to others, it sounded unrealistic to Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're all okay !   
> Wow, the 30th chapter? That sounds so crazy to me!  
> I am almost done with the writing and I am getting quite emotional!   
> This chapter is pretty short, I apologise for that, but I promise the next one will be much longer!  
> I hope you liked it!   
> Thanks for reading, always, and for leaving kudos, that always warm my heart, thank you!!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	31. Chapter 31

# ONE DANCE

**_September 13th_ **

When Louis stopped the car, he turned toward Harry and looked at him for a moment. He was beautiful under the soft light coming from the ceiling that caressed his face gently. His skin looked smooth and he wanted to run his fingers across his face. He stopped the GPS of which the voice was repeating they were at the good house. He was about to go in the house, and he was anxious. He knew he didn’t have to hide himself, to lie or say anything to cover up the fact Harry and himself were so close to each other – obviously Harry had told him he had told Niall – but Louis felt like he would still do so. It would be weird to him, to act _normally_ around people. They were not strangers, of course, but it was still something new to him and he didn’t feel comfortable. Louis slid his hand slowly on the younger boy’s cheek and leant on to kiss him gently. He had put on an old splint for the night, to keep his wrist from any more damage. Louis wasn’t sure if he even wanted to come in and see people. He was better here, hidden in his car with Harry. Just the two of them. But he had promised Harry. He knew Liam and Zayn were probably already waiting for them because Zayn’s car was on the other side of the street. But also because Louis had waited for Harry for about twenty minutes for the only reason he had lost his favourite shirt. And even though Louis had whispered in his ear that he didn’t need that one shirt to look beautiful, Harry had answered something close to _the fact I can’t see isn’t a good reason not to look good for others, I want my black and white heart pattern shirt._ And maybe Louis had found him a bit too cute with that shirt once he had put it on, and that was probably the reason why he wasn’t complaining anymore. Harry smiled against his lips and Louis sighted a bit before pressing his forehead against Harry’s.

“Can’t we stay in the car?” 

Harry chuckled quietly before resting his head against the headrest. He slid his fingers up to Louis’ face slowly and gently stroke his cheek. He shook his head, his chocolate curls flying all around his face. 

“Are you sure?”

Harry nodded before he slid his thumb on Louis’ lips softly, feeling them under his skin as he leant on to replace his finger with his plump lips. Louis pouted against Harry’s mouth, not kissing the younger boy back. Harry pulled away before pecking Louis’ lips again. He placed his over hand on the other side of his boyfriend’s face and pressed his lips against Louis’ again.

“Hey!” Harry whined and stuck his bottom lip out.   
“Aww. Stop! Your cuteness will kill me!” Louis replied before kissing the boy’s lips. 

They chuckled into their kiss and the curly haired boy rested his face onto the crook of Louis’ neck, his hand drawing imaginary circles onto the older boy’s knee. They flinched when someone knocked loudly against the window. Louis turned around. Zayn was outside, a cigarette trapped in between his lips. Louis rolled the window down. 

“Are you quite finished? We’re waiting for you!” Zayn complained.   
“We’re coming!” 

Zayn leant on and looked at Harry who was quickly putting on his glasses onto his nose.

“Hello Harry!”   
“Hi Zayn.” Harry replied as he waved slowly. 

Zayn raised an eyebrow as he looked back to Louis who rolled his eyes and pushed his friend away before closing the window. He wondered how he would have gone through all of this without Zayn. Zayn had helped him a lot. He may like to tease Louis a bit childishly but he was such an amazing friend. 

 

They didn’t stay very long inside Niall’s house. It was nice, there was good music, biscuits, crisps and there were more people than expected, because Zayn and Liam had brought their girlfriends as well as other random people. But it had come clear to Louis’ mind that Harry was mad at him about rejecting his offer to dance with him _”because everyone knew already anyway”_. Louis had stared at the boy for a long time, and even though he would never tell anyone, seeing Harry talk so passionately with Zayn had threw some sort of wave of jealousy through his body. So after a while, he just took the boy outside. They had not really shared any word yet, they were simply walking around in the barely lighted streets. A heavy tension was floating over their bodies as they entered the little path of a small park. 

“Oh, there are swings.” Louis exclaimed, almost too excited. 

Harry turned his head to hide his smile from Louis. The older boy took Harry’s hand and wrapped his fingers around the thin rope of the swing and the curly haired boy sat down carefully. He used his feet to help him swing gently and slowly but he quickly felt Louis’ hands onto his back, pushing him softly. The wind was caressing Harry’s face and running through his shorts curls. Only the odd squeaking sound of the metallic rings at the top of the swing was breaking the silence. But even if he was quiet, Harry could feel the little sparks tickling his sides each time Louis’ small hands would push onto them. It was slowly turning into flames and burning up to his chest, releasing thousands of butterflies onto his stomach, where he could feel their wings moving fast under his skin. But he didn’t want to say anything. Yes, it was probably very childish and absolutely useless, but he kept his mouth shut and didn’t say a word. Secretly, he hoped Louis would do something to make him talk, to drop the chains that kept his words trapped into his body. Just like he had done to Liam’s party. But Harry knew he was too weak, a small kiss under his jaw and he would pronounce every single word Louis wanted him to say. It was embarrassing, how in love he was with this boy. How his heart would hurt in some sort of good way inside his chest every time he heard his voice. How he wanted to plan their whole life together, no matter if it was seen as some teenage stupid love. Because he was only _16_ and he knew no one would ever really take him seriously if he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Louis. Not even his mother. But he couldn’t care less. He loved that boy. And it felt like he was giving all his love to this one person. Of course, the fact Louis hadn’t talked about it yet put some heavy weight onto his chest. He was not sure what it was supposed to mean and he didn’t want to get his hopes too high. But Louis didn’t need to love Harry the way Harry loved him, because he would keep on loving him as long as his love for him would make him a bit happier. It was what all of this was about, making Louis a happier boy. And Harry would go and pick the moon to give it to him if he wanted. And he would climb up to the Mount Everest peak if he wanted. He would cross the whole Atlantic Ocean if Louis asked him to. He could definitely kill for Louis and that was the scariest feeling ever. This feeling that he could do whatever Louis needed him to do for his happiness. Harry was not sure if he could define this relationship as healthy. Louis’ fingers suddenly curled onto his sides and stopped him from swinging any more. He stopped breathing, he held the little bit of oxygen he had left and trapped it inside. The older boy slid his face in the crook of the curly haired boy. His hot breath was caressing his ear so gently and he was just waiting for the words to stroke his eardrum. Weird? No. Louis simply had the most beautiful voice Harry had ever heard. Louis’ hands slid slowly on his stomach and he locked his arms just there. He was holding onto him so tight, Harry wondered if he could feel his heart beat against his forearms. Probably. Did Louis cast a spell on him? It felt so intense, so passionate, all this love running through his body. It didn’t seem real. Louis kissed just under his ear, just below the end of his jaw. He wondered if Louis could feel the blood running so quickly through his jugular, where he could feel his lips leaving little kisses so gently.

“I am sorry.” he whispered. 

Louis’ breath was hot, burning his skin, and the feeling was oddly delicious. The words were barely comprehended by his brain. His whole brain was only monopolised by Louis’ kisses, Louis’ breath. Harry wanted to fake indifference, he wanted to act as Louis’ lips didn’t affect the way he felt. But he knew it was probably obvious. 

“I should have danced with you.” Louis murmured so quietly. 

The pecks Louis was leaving up and down his neck slowly turned into gentle kisses. It was soft and as he lead his thin lips to his shoulder, Harry was not sure if he would be able to act so indifferently any longer. All he wanted was to turn around, slide his hand onto the back of Louis’ neck and kiss him, feeling their lips burn together. Louis unlocked his hands on Harry’s stomach and let his hands slide down slowly to Harry’s hips and the younger boy’s breath stopped half way through his throat.

“And you dance so perfectly. Did you try to draw my attention on you with those hip moves?” he asked quietly. 

Harry was not really used to that kind of talking. They had never really been into flirting. Strangely, it didn’t happen like that between them. Or at least, he didn’t describe it as flirting. That happened quite naturally. There was no teasing or any kind of what Harry would call flirting. But Harry kind of liked it, in a certain way. It was different and the butterflies in his stomach were even more abundant than they were before. Harry shook his head, a bit shakily. He felt tinier than ever, and for once, he didn’t mind. But the next second, his hands were gone and a touch of disappointment ran through Harry’s veins. He was so cold suddenly, felt so lonely without Louis’ hands over his body.   
He wished Louis would never let him go, never let his hand fall off his body. He wanted to grab his small and thin hands to put them back on his waist, on his hips or his chest. But suddenly he heard a soft music, a melody played by a piano, it was slow. And when a feminine voice started singing, Harry didn’t really know what to do. 

“ _Oh, why you look so sad?_  
 _Tears are in your eyes_ ”

“May I have this dance?” Louis’ voice appeared, overshadowing the slow song.

Harry didn’t really know what he was supposed to do. Strangely, it appeared to be very stressful to him, to get up and dance with the person he loved the most at the moment. Was that supposed to be so stressful? He didn’t know but when Louis slid his hand down his arm and grabbed his hand, he knew it was worth the stress. He knew it was very cliché, and he couldn’t care less because he was about to dance with Louis and that was all that mattered. Louis’ right hand was intertwined with Harry’s left one. Louis’ other hand was perfectly sitting in his lower back and Harry’s fingers were gently curled onto his thin shoulder. As they started swinging onto their feet slowly, following the pace of the song, the younger boy wondered how ridiculous they must look. They were in the middle of a park, in the dark, dancing on a 90’s cliché love song and probably dancing terribly if he was honest. But he didn’t mind if anyone saw him and thought he looked very stupid because he knew he was probably happier than they would ever be. They were not pressed one against the other and although Harry thought about bringing Louis’ tiny frame closer, he didn’t. He was too scared of hurting his ribs, or hurting his wrist or his bruises. 

“So, if you’re mad, get mad! Don’t hold it all inside.” Louis sang in a whisper as Chrissie Hynde’s voice left his phone.

Harry lowered his face, trying his best to hide the growing smile that was stretching his lips. _Damn_ , he couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this lucky, this happy. Nor the last time he had felt all those intense feelings mixing up and running through his veins, setting his skin on fire and knotting his stomach. Probably because it had never happened before. Not like that. Louis let his hand go as he grabbed both his wrists to slide them over his shoulder, letting the younger boy know he should link his hand on his neck. 

“Let me come along, ‘cause even if you’re wrong, I’ll stand by you.” Louis murmured before pecking Harry’s burning lips. 

Louis attached his own hands in the bottom of his back, just above his bum. He slowly lifted his shirt and flattened his hands onto his skin, better. So much better. Harry’s skin was burning and Louis’ freezing hands threw some terrible cold shivers up his spine but he didn’t mind. Was it real? It felt so perfectly good that Harry wondered if he wasn’t simply dreaming. All he knew was that, sleeping or not, getting back on earth would hurt no matter what. Yes, maybe he shouldn’t really think about that. He shouldn’t think about Louis fighting or Louis getting hurt, Louis drunk or smocking, Louis crying but he couldn’t stop it. He was so happy he was terrified his happiness would be taken away from him in a sudden.

“And when…” Louis sang louder as he brought Harry closer, his chest kicking against Louis’. “When the night falls on you, baby, you’re feeling all alone, you won’t be on your own.”

Their body were pressed one against the other and Harry chuckled a bit as he rest his head on the crook of Louis’ neck. He brushed his nose against Louis’ overly soft skin and smelled it, breathing in deeply as the scent of lemon and mint tickled his nostrils. He wanted to cry. So suddenly, he _needed_ to cry. That was too much happiness in his body, too much love and it strangely felt like his heart was too small to contain all this love. It sounded so unreal, like it was about to go away, disappear in a cloud of smoke and he would be left all alone in the middle of the night. That was probably why he pressed his face harder against Louis’ neck, or why he tightened his arms around his neck. Just to feel him, feel him closer, knowing he wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t fly away or disappear in between his hands. Harry knew he couldn’t go through life without Louis. He knew, they were made to be.  
They kept on swinging on their feet for the rest of the song. Louis whimpered quietly at the pain running through his body, but he refused to let it break this perfect moment. He scratched Harry’s back gently, running his short nails onto his skin and sending shivers all over Harry’s spine. When the song was coming to an end, Louis lifted Harry’s chin up and slowly rest his lips onto his boyfriend’s. Harry’s lips were always so plump and soft and warm, he could kiss them for hours, no matter if it means they would have to walk around with swollen lips for days. It would be worth it, no matter what. Harry’s fingers started playing with Louis’ hair gently and he kissed back. The older boy’s hand was lost onto his waist, holding him closer. That was crazy how Harry’s lips knew perfectly how to burn Louis’. It was crazy, how the butterflies in his stomach were battling their wings so fast when they kissed. It was crazy, how much he _liked_ this boy. Harry was his own little guardian angel and he smiled at the thought against his lips. It was just so perfectly real. He curled his fingers around his waist, pressing his fingers hard onto Harry’s skin, just so he knew all of this was not a dream. He was probably kissing one of the most beautiful person in the whole world, the eighth wonder of the world. But it was also the kindest, the sweetest, the most adorable and lovely boy out there, and Louis was the one who had the chance to share his life. And he knew the wave of happiness drowning him could soon disappear because he didn’t really have any control over it, but he refused to think about it know. When they sang “I’ll stand by you” in sync, the two boys giggled and Louis pecked Harry’s forehead. The music slowly faded and ended and they were left hugging weirdly in the middle of a dark park.

 

“Are you sure it won’t break?” Louis asked as he sat down on the large bird’s nest swing.

Harry shook his head as the older boy put his hands over Harry’s hips, helping him to sit at the right place between his spread legs. Harry leaned against Louis’ chest and let his head fall in the crook of his neck. 

“You don’t weight more than a feather, Lou.” he said with a sad smile. 

Louis smiled in the younger boy’s curls and smelled a bit, it smelled like coconut and a bit of chocolate and he wondered what kind of shampoo he used. Obviously, he had changed recently and Louis was a bit disappointed, because it didn’t smell like Harry’s hair. It was different.   
They should probably go back to the party, after all it was Harry’s best friend’s birthday and he was not sure if he was being a good friend cuddling his boyfriend in the street rather than enjoying the party. But he was so scared Louis would go away and leave him all alone that he decided Niall would totally forgive him.

“Did you mean it, the other day?” Louis suddenly asked, breaking the silence. 

Harry turned his head gently, his cheek meeting the older boy’s chin. 

“What?” he asked, a bit confused.   
“When… when you said you loved me. Did you really mean it?” 

And Louis knew too well it was a bit – very – stupid to ask. Because if he had lied, Harry wouldn’t have ran away when Louis hadn’t said anything back. And if he wanted to be totally honest with himself, he should admit he had been a bit of a jerk that day, and a lot of coward. But it had been a shock. Yes, he had heard Tamara say it several time to him, repeating it like she was rehearsing her text. But this time, it was so different. Firstly, Harry was a boy, and to Louis, it counted as a huge difference. But there was also the fact Tamara and Harry was totally opposite. Harry was kind, caring, generous and absolutely selfless. Tamara was kind, yes, sometimes, but she was mostly spending her free time judging, she was greedy, loved money and wanted to show it off all the time. Harry nodded slowly and Louis knew he was probably blushing badly at the moment. 

“Yes, of course I did.”

Louis smiled shyly and pecked his boyfriend’s cheek gently. He didn’t say anything and he was not sure if it was a good thing but Harry stayed quiet and leant on more against Louis. He didn’t really care to be honest. Maybe Louis didn’t love him the way he did. But he knew he felt something for him, something nice and it was all that mattered. 

“Harry?” 

The curly haired boy froze, because he would recognise this voice all his life. Louis looked up and frowned. A young girl was slowly walking toward them, she had light blue hair that almost looked greenish under the street lamp. She was wearing a short white dress with large flowers all over it that matched the flower crown she had around her head. 

“Carrie?” 

And okay, Louis didn’t like what was happening. Harry stood up with the help of Louis who was pushing onto the bottom of his back. They both stood in front of her. Louis had to admit she was cute, she definitely was. Her blue hair, very pale skin and a skinny frame made her look like a doll. And maybe Louis was jealous at how pretty she was. He looked down to his chest and pulled onto his top, trying to enlarge it and hoping the wind would stop stick it against his torso. Was it what Harry liked? Skinny girl (or boy for that matter)? What if he hated Louis’ chubs, his way too large hips and his way too round bum or his way too big tummy? No matter if, in reality, there was barely any fat left onto his bones. He looked up as Harry stepped forward and spread his arms where the young girl crashed the next second. It was hard to look, hard to stand that someone Harry had kissed and shared his life with was hugging him at the moment.

“How are you?” she asked him. 

Louis noticed the smile. _That damn smile_ stretching her pink lips and he once again noted the fact Harry probably liked her plump glossy lips more than he liked his own chapped thin lips.

“I am fine, what about you?”  
“I am great, I got a job at the bakery. Mrs. Rowley always asks about you… But I never know what to tell her, so tomorrow I will be able to tell her you’re fine. She’ll be happy to hear it.” 

She was talking way too fast, way too much, Louis thought. Harry nodded and smiled. He didn’t really know what he was supposed to ask next, invite her to Niall’s birthday party? Wouldn’t it be weird? 

“Oh, hi!” Carrie said, almost like she had just noticed Louis behind Harry. 

She stretched her arm and opened her hand toward him, and he slowly shook it. 

“Hi. Louis.” he said in a shy voice. 

She nodded with a smile and he hated the fact she looked so pretty and kind. It was not fair. He wanted to kiss Harry, show them off just so she would know he was taken now. And he felt stupid as the idea crossed his mind. He wanted to trust Harry with all his heart, and he did, in some ways. But he felt like he would always be nervous and scared about being cheated on. He was not even close to look as pretty as Carrie, or that was what his brain was repeating him over and over again. And he believed it, of course. 

“So, did you find a new school?” she suddenly asked.   
“No, I don’t feel ready yet… But, well, I was thinking… Are you doing anything right now?” 

Louis looked at him, he was not doing what he thought he was doing, right? He observed as Carrie shook her head with a smile and her straight blue hair flew all around her round face. 

“Niall is having his birthday party at the moment, we were about to go back, do you wanna come with us?” 

Louis closed his eyes. _It must be a fucking joke now._ And that was the last thing he wanted, to go back to Niall’s place with both Harry and Carrie. Because firstly, he didn’t even know her and also, most importantly, she was his boyfriend’s ex girlfriend. And he was pretty sure it was not what people would call normal. But he didn’t say a word and he looked as she silently gripped onto his arm and Harry caught Louis’ elbow. Louis was silent and he kept silent when they arrived, sick of their long conversation. It was not how it was supposed to happen. 

“I need the toilet.” he ripped his arm away from Harry’s hand and walked away. 

He walked around in the house, Niall’s house looked very similar to Harry’s, maybe it was just a bit bigger. He didn’t really know where the toilet was and he didn’t want to bother anyone with his question so he walked through the house silently. He climbed the stairs slowly, he opened the first door, it was a bedroom, empty and dark. He sighed before he started walking again toward another room. When he opened it, his eyes widened, it was not empty, two silhouettes were kissing on the bed and he excused himself before closing the door. He always wondered why people felt the need to do such things at other people’s house. And it was not Niall, he had walked past him downstairs. He just thought it was a bit disrespectful. Maybe people would think he was very “old school”, but he didn’t care, it sounded pretty wrong to him. He started walking again when… 

“Wait, what the hell?!” he said to himself as he walked back toward the room and opened the door again. 

He slid his hand on the wall and hit the light switch in a violent move. He stood there, a bit shocked but it was mostly a perfect mix of anger and disappointment as he saw his best friends sit back on the bed. Their cheeks were red and their hair messy. Louis crossed his arms over his chest as he leant onto the door in a loud sigh. 

“Louis...” Liam started as he stood up. 

The older boy lifted his hand to stop him. He didn’t even want to hear them make up excuses and things about how it was not wrong, because he was pretty sure it was absolutely terrible. 

“So, let me sum this up, right? You,” he started as he pointed at Zayn, who didn’t dare to look at him, “you told me you had a thing with him,” he continued, pointing at Liam this time, “you also told me it was before the girls, and that now it’s over. So, you invite your girlfriends at this party to fuck on my boyfriend’s best friend’s bed while your girlfriend are downstairs? Are you out of your minds or I am missing something here?” he almost shouted, throwing his thin arms in the air. 

They were both silent. They were sitting on the bed, looking down to the ground and Louis almost fell like he was a security guard who had just caught them stealing a very expensive shirt. Louis rubbed his forehead, feeling the pain of an upcoming migraine tickling his temples. He didn’t know what to do or if he should actually do anything. He had never imagined his best friends could cheat on their girlfriends. Both. With each other. 

“Can we explain?” Zayn tried, looking up at him.   
“What do you want to explain? You’re cheating. Zayn, you just introduced Gigi to your family! Liam, you just moved in with Sophia, what is wrong with you two?!”  
“It’s just one time.” Zayn fought back. 

Louis thought he was hallucinating. Was his best friend really defending his behaviour. Louis didn’t know if he was the one overreacting – and he was pretty sure he was not – or if it was Zayn who was turning crazy. Louis steppe forward and grabbed the handle in his hand, clenching his teeth as the pain in his wrist kicked in. 

“You know what they say? Once a cheater, always a cheater.” 

He shook his head and left the room because he couldn’t stay there any longer. He felt terribly sick, his stomach was upside down under his skin and he wanted to throw up whatever was left from the day before, probably nothing in short. He didn’t want to go back downstairs either. Seeing Carrie and Harry talking and acting so friendly was the second worst thing he refused to witness. He kept on walking and sighed in relief when he found the bathroom. He sat down on the edge of the bath tub. And he was alone. All over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello ! I hope you're all feeling good !  
> Are you going anywhere during your vacation? Or, have you gone anywhere already?   
> So here's the 31st chapter, I hope you all liked it :)  
> It was not that good and I am sorry about that, really !  
> I am so attached to this story (that I've been writing for more than a year), it's strange to realise I only have a couple of chapters left to write.   
> I think I'll weep a tear or two when I'll type the word "End".   
> But, stop with the rambling!  
> Thanks for reading :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	32. Chapter 32

# SORT IT OUT

**_September 13th_ **

Exhausted. Louis was exhausted. Maybe he had shed some tears sitting all alone in the empty bathtub. And maybe, only maybe, he had hoped for more than an hour for Harry to come it and join him, only to be disappointed over and over again each time the door opened on some stranger. None of those strangers had minded as they had had a wee just next to him, they were probably to drunk to even notice him. He was contemplating going downstairs to find Harry himself, since the other way round would probably not happen any time soon. He knew he was way too tired to even sit behind his steering wheel and he didn’t consider to drive them back to their houses. Louis sighted as he rubbed his heavy eyelids and grabbed onto the edges of the bathtub. When did he even think it would be a good idea to sit in there? Louis was being careful not to slip and hit his head onto the edge before he got out of the bathtub. He took a look at his reflection in the mirror on his left. He walked closer until the sink dig into the bottom of his stomach. He laid his hands flat onto the sink and look closer to his pale and tired looking face in the mirror. He could almost scare himself. The deep dark circles surrounding his blue and blood shot eyes was frightening. His lips was almost bluish and more chapped than they had ever been before. He slid his fingers gently onto his collarbone that was popping against his skin. And softly, as he spun on his heels, he lifted his shirt. His eyes burned violently as hot tears rushed up to his eyes all in a sudden. His stomach seemed even _bigger_ , his hips _larger_ and his bum _fatter_ than ever. He felt disgustingly repulsive. No matter how people could repeat to him how beautiful he was, he knew he would not believe any of their words. How could they even lie to his face about what he looked like when he _knew_ exactly how ugly he was. Because he knew, right? His eyes wouldn’t betray him like that, never, right? He dropped his shirt and leant on the sink, his burning tears falling from his eyes. Louis wished he could carve his own body. He wished he could turn this huge shapeless mass of flesh into a beautiful and handsome body, similar to Harry’s. He just wanted to grab a chisel and get to work. But it was not that easy. Louis sniffed loudly before pressing his fingers against his eyes and wiping the tears away from his lids and cheeks. Couldn’t he be strong, for once? Couldn’t he act like a real man, for once? Of course not. Louis shook his head at the thought of him being so weak and he stood straight and walked to the door. He opened it slowly and turned the light off before crossing the hallway to the stairs. When he started going down each step, he noticed the living room was almost empty. Indeed, barely anyone was there anymore. Louis could see the back of Niall’s and Carrie’s heads, both sitting down onto the couch and watching TV and chatting quietly. Ed, Niall’s friend, was sitting on a chair next to them and was chuckling a bit. No Harry was being seen anywhere though, and it worried the older boy a bit as he stood on the ground. He walked toward them until Ed looked up to him with a smile. 

“Where’s Harry?” he asked slowly. 

When Ed pointed at the couch, Louis walked closer and looked down to the couch. Harry was laying there, his face rested on Carrie’s laps – and yes, that annoyed him a lot – with his sunglasses still perched onto his nose. He was a bit offended by the fact Harry had fallen asleep rather than looking for him, but he didn’t want to think too much about it. He knew he would end up going crazy if he did. He stepped closer to the young boy, observing for a while before he squatted next to him. His lips were slightly parted, his curls falling all across his angelic face and his cheek squeezed against the young girl bare knees. After he took a look at the blue haired teenager, he caressed Harry’s cheek gently. 

“Baby, get up, we’re going to bed.” he whispered, leaning on the boy. 

He noticed Carrie’s head turning toward Niall in a sudden move and he smiled a bit. Because yes, Harry was taken. With him. Perhaps he was being a bit – or a lot, for that matter – childish but he didn’t really care honestly. When Harry didn’t move at all, he slid his hand down to his arm and shook him slightly. He didn’t want to scare him by waking him up too brutally. 

“Harry… let’s go, come on.” he tried again. 

This time, Harry moved a bit and whimpered, letting everyone know he was not planning on getting up from this couch any time soon. Louis looked up to Carrie and she was smiling while observing her _ex boyfriend_. She even stroked his curls a bit and Louis was not having it. He restrained himself from grasping her wrist and throwing her hand away from Harry. He knew he couldn’t do that, right? It would be wrong. A bit too far and excessive. So when Harry refused to get up, Louis slide his arms across his back and under his knees. That was probably a bad idea, for many reason actually. Louis still had a sprained wrist and still had to recover from those broken ribs that made breathing a painful chore. But he was also a bit smaller, and although he was not aware of it, way skinnier. But he did it no matter what. He lifted the boy and he stopped for a while, immobile and fighting the pain in his ribs and his wrist aching holding the boy. 

“Where can we sleep?” he quickly asked as he tightened his grip around Harry.  
“The first room, it’s my parents’ room.”   
“Goodnight.” 

And with that, Louis started walking back to the staircase, feeling Harry linking his hand in the back of his neck. And Louis found himself feeling the horrendous pain hammering his body almost comforting as he climbed the stairs slowly, one step at a time. He felt like his whole body was about to break and fall apart into thousand of pieces when he reached the first room, and thankfully the door was already opened. He walked quickly toward the bed and tossed the young body on the mattress, grabbing his wrist into his hand and clenching his teeth strongly. 

“Shit.” he whispered under his breath. 

Jealousy was not a good thing for his health, he knew it because the pain in his wrist was throbbing terribly, hammering his bones. He sat down on the bed and sighed loudly. He took a second to text his mother, letting her know he would sleep at Niall’s. He was making every effort to reassure her. He threw his phone on the bed, behind him and took a look at Harry, laying down over the pale grey duvet. He looked so peaceful. Louis wondered if he was also hiding some destructive storm inside, under his pretty smile. He stood up and walked to the other side of the bed, pressing his hand over Harry’s arm and shaking it gently. 

“Come on, Harry, you need to undress.” he whispered slowly.   
“We can’t do this in Niall’s house.” he mumbled against the covers. “And I am too tired.”

Louis rolled his eyes but smiled and kissed his cheeks softly. 

“We need to sleep, do you want to sleep in jeans?”

Harry groaned loudly before his fingers slid down to his skinnies and he unbuttoned it slowly. Louis smiled at how slow Harry’s moves were. Louis took off his jeans quickly but decided to keep his top on, it was too cold and he was already freezing. He kicked his socks off his feet and looked back to Harry who was still struggling to even unzip his pants. Louis sighted and lifted the covers before climbing on the bed and resting his head on the pillow. He didn’t look back as he heard Harry wriggling on the bed, probably trying to take off his trousers. It took almost 5 minutes until Louis finally felt Harry’s arm slid around his waist and holding his closer. He quickly heard Harry’s steady breath but he couldn’t join him in the arms of Morpheus. He stayed awake for a while, looking at the dark ceiling and holding Harry’s hand against his stomach. 

Louis had to drive for two long hours to get back home. He had been driving for thirty minutes and the tension in the car was already about to break the windows. It was heavy other their head, and it was mostly Louis’ fault. He was not in the mood and he was still very jealous about the night before. Not to mention the anger that was still running up and down his body about what he had caught his best friends doing. He had thought all night about what he had to do about it. It seemed too wrong to keep it to himself. He was not super close to Gigi or Sophia, indeed, but he didn’t know if would be able to hold his tongue. If it had happened to him, if Tamara had cheated on him, or if Harry would ever cheat on him, he knew he would rather have someone tell him than letting him hope and live in a relationship made of lies. But what was he supposed to do? Remove the heavy burden crashing his shoulders and betray his best friends’ trust? Or hiding it to the girls and feel guilt eating him alive slowly? He was confused and lost. Thoughtlessly, his fingers tightened around the steering wheel. He was trying to think so fast to sort his mind but it only made his head feel like a bomb on the verge of exploding. He sighed loudly and shook his head as he slid his finger on the radio set to start it up. Maybe music would help him forget about all of this. It was a channel that was playing old songs and the song that was currently playing was Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing”. As soon as the music was heard, Louis noticed Harry moving his legs at the pace of it. He would have found it incredibly adorable if his mind wasn’t full of fears and unanswered questions. The weather was matching his mood perfectly. It was raining down violently and the sky seemed to get darker and darker every minute. It looked like a storm was about to strike over their heads. And Louis wouldn’t mind if some lightning would hit him, he wouldn’t have to make any decision. He knew it was stupid to even think about that but he wished he could run away from his new responsabilities. 

They didn’t talk much for the rest of the drive. After many tries, Harry understood something was wrong and he gave up. Now he was sitting on his bed, he was trying to work a bit. He had picked up several subjects from the internet about _Wuthering Heights_ and he had started working on the different personalities of Edgar and Heathcliff. But he couldn’t manage to focus. His mind would always drift away from whatever he was trying to type, his fingers would get slower onto his keyboards and he would just forget. He had been trying for hours. He had only written half a page and he was pretty sure it was mediocre. He pushed his laptop away from his legs and grabbed his phone. His stomach was painful and his body was sweating a bit with the anxiety running under his skin. He wanted to do it, click onto Sophia’s number and text her that he needed to talk to her about something important. But he couldn’t, could he? He swore loudly to himself before throwing his phone onto the bed and getting up. That’s how he started walking into his room, from a wall to another, scratching his forehead as he tried to figure out what was the best to do. He knew there was someone who could help him. He knew that it was probably the only person who could actually give him good advice about the situation. But it would also betray his friends’ secrets and trust. He stared at the door for a moment, drawing a list of the pros and cons in his brain. When he opened the door and walked through the dark hallway, his heart sped up in his chest and he had a hard time breathing properly. He stood in front of the stairs that linked the second floor to the third. He knew he needed to take it off his chest, and he knew the only person who could actually help him figure out what was the better thing to do was his mother. In a way, it was killing two birds with one stone. At the same time as getting help, he would also manage to take a look at what his mother’s vision on homosexuality was, or at least on same sex couple. And it was probably why he was dithering. What if she made it clear that she found it disgusting? What if for her, it was a sin. Even though they were not too religious, Louis could never know. And he was terribly anxious. But he was pretty sure if he stayed there, trying to find a solution himself, he would die of stress and guilt. He climbed up the stairs and he stopped in front of the only door. _Shit_. Was he really ready to do this, was it even a good idea? He wasn’t sure, but the next second, he was knocking at the door. It was around ten and she was probably reading a bit while Dan was watching a movie with the children downstairs. He heard steps on the other side and it seemed like each step made his heart heavier. When the door opened on his mother, he swore he had felt his heart stop for a second. Her long hair was trapped into a high ponytail and a pair of glasses similar to Louis’ were perched onto her nose.

“Louis?” was the first thing she said, surprised. 

He scratched the back of his neck and he considered turning around and running back to his room. But now it was too late. There was no turning back. The wave of anxiety crashing into his stomach threatened to make him throw up. She opened the door wider to let him in. She could read the fear on his face, the way his jaw was clenched and the slight frown crossing his forehead. He walked inside slowly. The bed was untidy on the right side and the lamp on the bedside table was turned toward it. 

“Louis, what’s wrong baby?” she asked. 

She was weighing her words cautiously, any mistake could make him run away. His son seemed like a terrified animal trapped under the front beams and she knew she needed to be careful. The last time they had talked had ended up pretty badly and she didn’t want it to happen again. She had felt guilty. She had felt like a bad mother and Dan had spent hours trying to comfort her. All she wanted was for Louis to trust her. She loved him with all her heart. So when he sat down on the edge of the bed and bit down on his lip, she was nervous. She was not certain she was really ready to hear whatever Louis had to say. But she had to, and she would, no matter what. 

“I had hoped you could give me some of your precious advices...” he started, biting his short nail and swallowing as he tried to unknot his throat. 

She walked closer and sat down, her hands over her knees and fully listening. It was happening, her son was finally about to talk to her. No matter what it was about, she didn’t care, she was ready to listen and help him. 

“About what, honey?” 

Johannah was afraid of any mistake she could possibly do, terrified to scare her own son or make him think he was not safe with her. Because he was. It was probably the place he could always be safe, next to his mother. She looked up to his face, the bruises onto his soft skin and it broke her heart. 

“I don’t think I will ever be able to figure out what to do by myself, I know you’ll be able to help me.” he said. 

Maybe he was trying to gain some time, to put the final countdown off. 

“I promise I will try my best, you can tell me anything.”

Louis breathed in deeply. It may have seemed like nothing. Maybe other people would have throw every words in a rush, just to be done with it faster. Maybe others would find it easy. For Louis, it almost felt like _do or die_. There was no in between. And he knew talking to his mother about his two best friends almost sleeping together and cheating on their girlfriends, was probably not the best idea to approach the subject of same sex couple. Only two options would result from this conversation. Either she wouldn’t judge the fact they were both men, and so he could consider talking about Harry with her. Or she would totally freak out about it and he would make sure to stay quiet about his boyfriend for the rest of his life. 

“I… I caught Liam and Zayn cheating on their girlfriends...” he started.   
“With who?” was the first thing she asked. 

For a short moment, Louis contemplated lying. But he knew it would be very stupid. 

“Wi-with each other… Like, together.” 

He stopped breathing. He simply blocked the air from flying to his lungs, waiting for an answer. He was looking at her and for a moment, she stayed immobile, looking at him before her eyebrows raised closer to her hairline in a sudden. 

“Oh!” she said loudly. “I see...” 

And _oh well_ , Louis had a very bad feeling. It didn’t sound right. The boy wanted to run away. He was not ready for whatever was coming. He was not ready to listen to his mum dissing a same sex relationship while he was so deeply attached to a boy himself. And when did he even think it would be a good idea? It was probably the most stupid thing he had ever done in his whole life. 

“You know what I think about that, Louis.” she exclaimed. 

He was definitely on the verge of tears and if she said something again, he would break. And let’s be honest, she would immediately understand.

“What do you mean?” he managed to articulate. 

Inside, he prayed. He just closed his eyes for a moment and prayed silently. Because what would happen if she was homophobic or anything like that? Louis couldn’t stay with Harry. As much as he loved him, he couldn’t go on and disappoint his mother that way. She had always been there. She had supported him and pushed him into doing always better. If he had to chose between Harry and his mother, it would be his mother. He couldn’t let her down. And he would probably die little by little after giving up on Harry but how could he ever look at himself if he had hurt his mother? 

“Honey… Listen, your friends may be nice but if they are the kind to cheat on their girlfriend, they may not be as nice as you thought… Didn’t this young boy, Liam, move in with his girlfriend?”

Louis nodded, a bit relieved at the fact she hadn’t yelled “Homosexuality is a sin” or some other sort of stupidity to try and find an excuse to her homophobia. He bit his lip, he didn’t want to ask about her view on the other detail, he was too scared of this answer. 

“Should I tell Gigi and Sophia then? If I was cheated on, I would like to know. But at the same time, I don’t want to betray my friends. My head is about to explode, I have no idea what I am supposed to do.”   
“Could your friends use those girls as some sort of cover up for their sexuality?”  
“I don’t think so, no.” Louis stuttered slowly.   
“But you’re not sure. Maybe you could talk about it to them? And if it’s the case, then tell them it’s fine if they’re gays, but they shouldn’t use someone to try and hide it.”

_It’s fine if they’re gays_. Louis didn’t want to jump on the bed and bounce up and down. Louis definitely didn’t want to call Harry and tell him to come over. He was calm, outside, at least. Because inside, a little part of the unbearable heavy weight was off his shoulders, and that made a huge difference. Louis knew Gigi and Sophia were not cover up. Liam and Zayn loved them and he knew it perfectly. They didn’t need cover up. They seemed perfectly confident with their sexuality, which Louis was a bit jealous of if he was honest. 

“And if they’re not cover up? If they truly cheated on them even though they were supposed to love them.” 

Louis couldn’t understand that. How was it possible? To physically desire someone else than the person you loved? It sounded impossible to him. He knew as long as he would have those feelings for Harry, the curly haired boy would be the only person Louis would ever desire. Cheating was one of the only thing he couldn’t try and understand. In certain cases, maybe. Such as trying to run away from an abusive relationship. But cheating on someone you loved only for sex, it sounded crazily stupid. 

“Honestly, I don’t think you should tell the girls, not yet. Firstly, talk to your friends, try to know why they did that. Maybe they just love each other and if that’s the case, try to tell them it would be better if they broke up with their girlfriends before hurting them too much. If that’s not about love, but just about physic, then… I don’t know, tell them it’s wrong. That they are being really selfish and hurting someone they love just for something so ephemeral. Maybe convince them to talk to their girlfriends about it…” 

Louis nodded. Now he knew what to do. He wondered how his mother could always give so simple but effective advice. 

“Don’t you mind that I am friend with boys who like boys?” he asked. 

Was it too obvious? It sounded terribly obvious once it had crossed his lips. But he just wanted to know a bit more. He wanted to feel safe, to feel like one day, once he would be ready, he could sit down with her and tell her. Talk to her about Harry and awkwardly rambling about how incredible he was. 

“I don’t. Do you? I had always thought you would end up with Stan, since you were always so close together back in the days. But then you found Tamara...” 

And Louis didn’t really know why, but if warmed his heart and he knew he was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! How are you today?   
> I am late for this chapter, I am really sorry about that !   
> I don't really know what to say...  
> I just really hope you liked this chapter!   
> Thanks for reading, always, and for leavig kudos, it always makes me happy!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	33. Chapter 33

# ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

**_September 20th_ **

Louis had never thought he could ever be this disappointed in someone. Since the conversation he had with his mother, he had sent many text to either Liam or Zayn. He had told them he simply wanted to talk, to know what they were planning to do about the situation. The thing was, he had not received any replies yet, and it had been three days already. What could take them so long? The fear of facing the truth and consequences of their acts? Louis had even considered the fact he was maybe the problem in all of this. Was he too serious? Too old school? Too _in love_ to even think about doing such a thing? No, probably not. It was just wrong, he had been taught it was since he was big enough to understand what love was. And he was happy his mother had taught him to respect his partner. Because this was what love was supposed to be about, respect. The disappointment was almost unbearable, slowly turning into utter anger.   
He closed the door of his car and sighed as he turned toward his family, who was gathered outside the house. He was going back to his apartment away from home. In a way, he was kind of happy, his apartment meant quietness and solitude. But it also meant being away from his family and Harry for the next weeks. He was rarely going back during week ends, but maybe he would this time. And Halloween was going to be on a Saturday and they had planned to go to Louis’ family’s cottage near Ecclesall Woods. Maybe that wouldn’t happen though, knowing their friendship state and most importantly, the fact Tamara and Louis were not together anymore. Johannah walked closer and spread her arms to hug him.

“You call me once you arrived, right?” she said, pressing her arms around his back.

He nodded with a smile. 

“And you don’t forget to turn off the oven when you finish cooking. And lock the door when you leave! And sleep early! Don’t forget to go buy the food you need for the week, okay?!” 

And she kept on going and his siblings were smiling behind her. Because it was always like that and since he found this flat, it was worst. But it was cute, in a way. How even though he had so much pressure on his shoulders, she always treated him like a child. It felt nice.

“Honey, he got it.” Dan stopped her. 

She nodded and smiled but Louis noticed her glassy eyes. She was always emotional each time they were going back to school. Almost like they were about to leave the house for the next year and only come back in July. She stroke his arm gently and he turned toward his sisters. Lottie crashed against his chest and held him tightly. Girls in his family were pretty much all emotional. But he felt important. Like they needed him. He wished he could throw back his luggages in the house and stay here, in his house. He didn’t know how it would be, with all the stress and those new weird feelings dragging him down every now and then. Would he be able to get up and go to college? He had never skipped school.   
After he had said goodbye to the rest of his siblings, he started to drive away from his house. He looked up to the rear-view mirror and noticed his family waving at him. And he knew how hard this first week was going to be.

But Louis didn’t think it would be that hard. He had never really realised how addicted he was to Harry. But after spending four days away from him, it was already tearing his flesh off his bones. Of course, he missed his family. The loud laughters of Ernest and Doris watching animations. The loud yelling of Phoebe and Daisy fighting. The loud music coming from Félicité’s room. Life was really noisy in his house, now everything was quiet. But Harry, it was different. From his timid smile to the grimace distorting his face as he focused on work, he missed everything. He missed his muscled arms gently wrapped around his back as he cuddled on his side. Or the beating of his heart against his hand. The tickling of his curls on his cheek as he hugged him. His deep and slow voice caressing his eardrums and the shivers running up his spine as Harry whispered in his ear.   
He had been lying down in his bathtub for almost an hour. A cup of hot tea was resting on the tray over the water, as well as his phone with some 80s music playlist on. And maybe he had lighted on some candles on the edges. He had started reading _The Picture Of Dorian Gray_ after his teacher had told them they would work on it in January. It was a bit early, perhaps, but he couldn’t tell if he would be able to work seriously in four months. Better be careful. He had looked up for the different books they would work on through the year, and Oscar Wilde’s novel was the one he felt the most attracted to. He had found it very easily at the library and here he was, going through the ninth chapter slowly. The slow music and the gentle scent of jasmine – he had read somewhere it was effective against anxiety – emanating from the candles helped him drown easier in between the sentences. He stopped for a minute. His eyes landed on the dancing flame of the white candle for a moment. This extract seemed harder to get through than the beginning of the book. _“I grew jealous of every one to whom you spoke. I wanted to have you all to myself. I was only happy when I was with you.”_ It was Basil’s confidence to Dorian. And it seemed a bit too relatable. He sighed, slid the bookmark in between the pages and closed the book gently. He placed it back onto the tray and took his phone. And maybe he had a secret file titled “Harry” in it, with a somewhat crazy amount of picture of the curly haired boy. And maybe, Harry had no idea about this file because every single photos had been taken sneakily. Yes, it was creepy. So creepy and he knew it but sometimes he would just catch Harry acting so adorably and he had felt the need to take pictures. And Harry didn’t really need to know that, he would probably be terrified. So Louis went through the photos. He slid his fingers across the screen. From Harry sleeping with slightly parted lips and his cheek squashed against the pillow to Harry leaned on his Braille book, a large frown distorting his face with his tongue trapped in between his lips. From miles away, the younger boy seemed even cuter, so much more attractive, absolutely vital. Louis knew he was acting like he had not seen Harry for decades and he felt pretty ridiculous. But he couldn’t help it. On one of the picture, that he had taken two days before he had to leave, Harry looked like a some unreal man out of a romance novel. You know, those kind of men who are described as the most beautiful creature Earth could ever carry. On the image, the young boy was lying down onto Louis’ bed, he was only wearing some baggy boxing shorts and his bare chest was showing. Louis was not allowed to have this picture in his phone, was he? Harry was unbearably magnificent on this shot. He was stretching, his ribs were pushing slightly against his lightly tan skin and the soft light of the rising sun was caressing his torso almost too beautifully. The photograph was taken in such an angle that the shadow on his chest emphasised his abs. So much beauty gathered in only one picture seemed to be unrealistic. Louis stared at the picture for a while before he left the file and went into his contacts list. He scrolled down and his thumb hit Harry’s name. After he brought the phone to his ear, he waited for what seemed like hours until Harry’s deep voice went to graze his eardrum.

“Hi?” he started, his voice hesitant.   
“Wow, you seem so happy to hear me!” Louis giggled, although inside, he was a bit offended at Harry’s lack of excitement.   
“No, no, of course I am, it’s just, it’s like 2 am. I expected you to sleep since you have college tomorrow… I just thought you called me because something was wrong.”

Louis frowned and he bit his tongue. He knew if he answered in a rush, he would regret his words. He was overreacting, creating scenarios in his brain that was obviously wrong. He just couldn’t help it. His imagination was always making up some crazy stories about how Harry was possibly cheating on him. And he didn’t want to start a fight, as hard as it was not to ask him why he sounded disappointed to hear Louis. But when Louis heard Harry yawn and cough a bit, he understood. 

“Did I wake you up?” he asked feeling guilty.   
“Hmm… yeah, actually. But it’s fine, I am always happy to hear you. Even though you took me away from a very pleasant dream.” 

Louis smiled as he heard Harry chuckled a bit with a groggy voice. He slid his finger across the cover of the book thoughtlessly, looking at the flame of the candle. 

“Do you mind telling me what that dream was about?” 

He would do anything to hear Harry’s voice. It was a bit of a selfish question if he was being honest. No matter if it was about Harry, he had really only asked so he could hear his deep voice narrating a story. It could be about the Teletubbies, he would still die to hear it. 

“Hmm… It was about...” Harry started, and Louis could hear him turn in his bed, “you and I.”   
“Oh, was it?”   
“Yeah… it was nice.” 

Louis smiled. He had had several dreams about Harry and himself, some he would never admit he had. Some genuinely too cheesy for him to even try and remember them and some others too personal, too embarrassing. He felt his cheeks burn a bit at the thought. 

“I don’t see images,” he added, like it wasn’t obvious, “but I could hear us talk about… taking our kids to the beach.” 

Louis giggled and he could easily imagine Harry’s cheeks blush redder than ever behind his phone. It felt nice, but it was also a bit scary. Harry only needed a couple of sentences to erase Louis’ messy cloudy mind. And the older boy knew all the stress and unanswered questions would rush back to his brain once he would hang up. Louis pushed the tray away and stood up, droplets of soapy water rolling down his nude body.

“So we had children? How many?” he asked as he stepped over the edge of the bathtub. 

He blew each candle and trapped his phone between his shoulder and cheek. He avoided his reflection in the mirror as he grabbed the towel and tied it around his hips tightly. He pulled on the tub stopper to empty the bathtub. 

“I don’t know, I think they were twins.”   
“Twins, wow!” he said before he chuckled. 

He grabbed the empty cup of tea and the book between his fingers before he turned the light off and walked through his flat to put the cup into the sink. He smiled when he heard Harry whimper quietly and he could imagine him pouting like a 5 year old child. He walked to his bedroom and jumped on the bed, the towel almost flew off his hips in the process. 

“Don’t laugh at me, I don’t control my dream.”  
“I know...”   
“But, why did you call me?” Harry asked with a raspy voice.

Harry was certain Louis hadn’t called him to know how many children they had in his dream. He wondered if he was okay there, behind his phone, in his apartment so far away from home. Maybe he needed someone to talk to, maybe he had called Harry because he couldn’t call anyone else at such an hour. But it was not really important because he had missed his voice those last days. They had shared messages, of course, but it was not the same. They had been clung together almost every single day since they had met, and even more since they had made their relationship official.   
Louis stared at the ceiling for a dozen of seconds, what was he supposed to say exactly? 

“I was reading a novel, for college purpose… And an extract made me think of you.” he admitted timidly.

His cheeks were burning and he covered his left one with his cold hand in an attempt to cool it down. He wanted to be honest with Harry. It was hard sometimes, there were things he didn’t feel ready enough to talk about with him, or with anyone for that matter. There were still some odd feelings rushing through his head that he couldn’t quite understand yet. And he needed to figure out what they meant, why they were there, devouring his organs hidden behind his rib cage. 

“What was this extract then? Can you read it for me?” 

Louis looked at the novel he had put onto the bedside table next to him. He was hesitant. Was it a good idea? Was it too personal? He slid his fingers across the cover and grabbed the book, a lump blocking his throat and a knot in his stomach. It was embarrassing, terribly embarrassing. What was he afraid of? Being judged by Harry who was the less judgemental person he had ever met. He cleared his throat, coughing a bit as he tried to get rid of the lump. He opened the novel and searched for the line. 

“ _Don't speak. Wait till you hear what I have to say. Dorian, from the moment I met you, your personality had the most extraordinary influence over me._ ” 

And yes, it was definitely one of the most embarrassing moment he had ever had to face. Louis was one of those people who get incredibly embarrassed very easily. It seemed that with Harry, it was even worse.

“I like the start.” the younger boy whispered.   
“Don’t interrupt me.” 

It was strange how, each time Harry was sleepy he was suddenly less shy. Louis kind of hated that, how Harry would try and tease him a bit when he was tired. His tiredness was like alcohol running through his veins. He heard him chuckle and heat rushed back to his cheeks. It almost felt like they could ignite. 

“ _I was dominated, soul, brain, and power, by you. You became to me the visible incarnation of that unseen ideal whose memory haunts us artists like an exquisite dream._ ” 

Louis was not an artist, he had absolutely no link to any art, apart from reading book and visiting museum. He had never drew anything, never wrote anything. But the words given to describe Dorian could have been written to describe his boyfriend.

“ _I worshipped you. I grew jealous of every one to whom you spoke. I wanted to have you all to myself. I was only happy when I was with you._ ”

And he stopped there, because the following sentences dealt about keeping those feelings to himself, and Louis had kissed Harry a long time ago. He trapped air in the bottom of his chest, waiting for a reply, and when it didn’t come right away, Louis wondered if he had fallen asleep. 

“Do you… do you really relate to that?” he asked. 

The anchor over Louis’ chest had never been heavier. They had never had real deep conversation about each other’s feelings. Louis didn’t feel ready and he hadn’t heard Harry say those three words after he had ran away crying in the rain. Of course, he had thought about it. He had considered telling him how he truly felt. He had thought about Harry’s reaction and how serious this relationship would be once he would say the words. It was very important to plan it, as unnatural it may seem. Maybe, only maybe, he had rehearsed in front of the mirror once or twice, just to see what he looked like while saying it, he had quickly dropped it though. 

“You know you’re amazing Harry, you don’t need me to tell you.” he replied. 

He closed the book and put it back on the bedside table. 

“Maybe I do… It wouldn’t hurt.” 

Although Louis laughed a bit, Harry’s voice had never sounded so serious before. The blue eyed boy had always thought he was showing Harry how great he was He had never thought he needed words to understand what his feelings were. He had to admit it was also much easier to kiss his lips than to say “I love you”. 

“Hey, you’re amazing, you know it, I know it and everyone do. I didn’t think you would need me to tell you.” he explained. 

It was silent for a while. He couldn’t hear any noise on the line. At first, he wondered if Harry had fallen asleep, after all he had woken him up in the middle of the night. He felt a bit guilty about it, but Harry’s voice was such a treasure to his ear, it was brushing every piece of guilt away from him. He heard Harry breathe in deeply. 

“Do you need me to tell you how pretty you are?” he asked as he turned on his side, trapping his phone between his ear and the pillow. “Do you need me to tell you how soft your skin is, how incredibly mesmerising your green eyes are, how I get lost into them sometimes? Maybe you also need me to tell you how cute your chocolate curls are and how hot your body is?” Louis continued, as his cheeks burnt hotter and hotter with each word slipping out his mouth. “And also, how your skin glows under the sunbeam, how I stare at you for ages when you’re still awake next to me, because you’re just too beautiful to be true. But also how kind, generous, funny and smart you are, you always blow my mind.”

It was silent again, Louis hoped he hadn’t told all those things to an asleep boy, otherwise it would be very awkward. But the silence broke after a minute. 

“You’re such a cliché, Louis. But that’s crazy how bad I love it.” 

They talked for a little while until they slowly both fell asleep. Louis listened to Harry’s steady breath and it helped him drifting away from reality. It almost felt like Harry was laying next to him, but he still missed his hard chest under his cheek. And for the first time since he had seen his relationship with Tamara fall apart, he had hopes. Hope to share his future with someone who would love him and cherish him, someone who would always be there for him and for who he would always be there for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone ! I hope you're all feeling good today, and that you're all safe, wherever you are ♥  
> Surprisingly, although this chapter is pretty simple, I really enjoyed writing it some weeks ago.   
> And so I hope you liked reading it as well!  
> There won't be much details about Louis in class or such, the next chapters will, obviously, talk about it but there won't be many scenes of him in class. I may a bit confusing, sorry about that !   
> As always, thanks for reading and for the kudos, you're the best, I love you all ! :)  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	34. Chapter 34

# HOME

_**September 25th** _

Unlike a year ago, going back to class and following divers courses about British literature was not all fun to Louis. He couldn’t deny it was very interesting, indeed. He couldn’t either deny he was lucky to study in such a good college. But he also had to admit he could not bring himself to focus on whatever the teacher was rambling about Charles Dickens. It was Friday and all he wanted was to go back to the apartment and fall asleep until the next morning. It was what his mother used to tell him as a child, when he was expecting an event with lot of excitement. “Sleep makes time goes quicker”. Although this time, the excitement was so strong he was not sure he could wait until Saturday. Louis had considered going home once his last class was over. That was excessive, he knew it. In a way, it didn’t even fit him. Louis was grabbing onto the little piece of happiness he had with Harry, like a man on his life jacket in the middle of the ocean. Harry was his life jacket, his only hope. The world was about to take it away from him again. He knew it, he could feel the tension in his bones and the smell of fear floating in the air. He wanted to enjoy the short moment of rest. Soon enough, he would be pushed back into his bottomless pit, far away from happiness, far away from Harry. And to anyone who hadn’t went through this fear, it may seem totally crazy. But to Louis? It was normal, it had become almost a habit, as sad as it could sound. The older boy knew how lucky he was, to feel his heart warm up in his chest, to fall asleep while listening to his boyfriend’s steady breath. Compared to those last months, it was the best feeling he had ever been given the chance to feel. That’s why he refused to let it go, even though he knew he wouldn’t have a choice. There was this strange and cold shadow in the back of his mind. For now, it was asleep, leaving Louis to enjoy some time away from the darkness. But at some point, it would wake up and break another bone of his fragile petite body. Once again, Louis would get up and try and enjoy the moment until it comes back again and break him a little more. It was the more vicious thing he had ever faced. Having happiness taken away from him every single time he would allow himself to have hope again. Louis wondered if one day, he would be too tired to get back up on his feet. If one day, all the broken bones would turn into dust and he would just give up. At some point, Louis knew happiness wouldn’t really worth all the pain anymore. He sighed loudly and it was it, he would drive back home once the teacher would let them go. If there was no much traffic, he would be home before dinner. Would it be too obvious if he took Harry out in some fast food? Probably. He couldn’t focus for the rest of the class, and he knew he would have to make deep research about Charles Dickens to catch up his shortcomings. 

Once he was in the car, the heat turned on to the maximum and the rain collapsing against the windscreen, he put on some music. His fingers danced thoughtlessly on the steering wheel as he focused on the road, covered in water. He was driving slowly, under the speed limit. He would rather arrive home late than in pieces. The weather was horrendous, the wind was strong, making the trees lean over the sidewalks. The rain was heavy, drowning the road under its torrent. Louis hummed the song, trapped in the middle of the traffic. As he drove slowly, he figured out a car crashed was the cause of the traffic. He felt relieved when he noticed a man on the side, wrapped in a rain jacket, talking to a policeman.  
With the weather and the traffic, Louis arrived home much later than he had expected. It was already fully dark when he parked the car in the driveway. He waited a minute, he didn’t want to leave the car, it was warm and cosy unlike outside where it was raining buckets. He hadn’t told his family, he wanted it to be a surprise. Louis had never came home so early, or at least, not during the first month of school. And he wouldn’t admit the fact he had rushed home mostly for Harry, his mother didn’t need to know that. He pulled on his vintage Adidas windbreaker’s collar to slide it over his head and grabbed his backpack before he ran outside to the front door. He shook the handle, frowning when the door didn’t open. _No_. He didn’t have spare key. Or he used to but didn’t think about taking it to his apartment. Why would they be out? He ran back to his car so send a message to his mother, asking where they were. The reply was immediate. 

**From Mum: “ _You’re home already? The girl wanted to see a concert tonight, we’re in London, we’ll be back tomorrow around noon. Can you spend the night at Harry’s?_ ”**

**To Mum: “ _I will call him, have fun there! Love you._ ”**

He didn’t wait a minute before dialling Harry’s number. Of course, he wouldn’t say no to another night by his side, not after 5 long days away from him. He was a bit anxious though as he heard the phone tone. He hadn’t really seen Anne since Harry had told him about them and it was a bit stressful. He wondered if things would be different now that she knew. 

“Hello?”  
“Hey Harry, that’s a bit awkward, but would you mind accommodate a poor boy who’s been locked out of his own house?”

He heard chuckles through his phone and he smiled softly because that was such a beautiful melody. 

“Of course, I’ll open the door for you, mum and Gemma are in bed already.”

After they hung up, Louis looked through the window, getting ready for the torrent of water he was about to get hit by. He opened the door, and locked the car before running across the road and waited behind the front door. Of course, Harry didn’t hurry, and Louis had plenty of time to get soaked. When the door opened, he jumped inside. Harry laughed a bit and Louis pushed him jokingly. Harry went to kiss him but Louis stopped him. 

“I should take a shower before, I am soaked.” 

Harry smiled and they slowly climbed the stairs to Harry’s room. As always, the younger boy lent him a pair of clean boxers and a shirt, which would obviously look huge on his tiny body. Louis showered quickly, he used Harry’s shower gel simply because it smelled just like Harry. He was excited to be back. He was back into Harry’s room pretty quickly. He closed the door silently behind him and turned around. The younger boy was lying down on his bed, earphones plugged into his ear and he was tapping his fingers on his bare chest, humming quietly. Louis observed for a moment, he stayed there, looking at his boyfriend. When he walked closer to the bed, he made sure Harry wouldn’t hear him. Louis laid down slowly over him and kissed his cheek. 

“You can’t imagine how bad I missed you...” he whispered into his ear.

Harry took the earphones away and let them fall on the ground with his phone. He slid his hand onto his side and ran them up to the back of his neck. His feathery hair tickled his fingers a bit but he couldn’t care. Louis smelled amazing, his skin was softer than ever and he was craving for his kisses. It had been hard for Louis, and even though Harry hadn’t really shown it, it had been really hard for him too. Both felt very stupid and cheesy but they kept their mouth shut. 

“Kiss me...” Harry murmured. 

Louis looked at him for a moment, he made sure to save all those memories. The sound of his voice caressing his eardrum, his pink cheeks. But also his hair a bit messy and his lips slightly parted, letting some air escape his mouth. He memorised his bare chest under his, his muscles flexed and his hand in his hair. He leant on and brushed his thin lips against Harry’s. He could feel his breath, hot, caressing his face. It was the best feeling in the world. It was a bit frightening. If this kiss was the best feeling, the world must have looked and seemed so tasteless. But Louis brushed the thought away, he didn’t want to break the moment, he didn’t want to drift away from Harry’s embrace. He pressed his lips against his, and gave him the kiss he had asked for. He held himself up with one hand on the pillow but the other got lost in Harry’s hair. It was soft in between his fingers, almost too soft to be real. None of them wanted to let go, it was just so addictive. He could feel hot hands sliding under his shirt and stroking his freezing skin. Louis shivered a bit at the contrast but pressed another kiss to his lips. That was pretty crazy how a simple kiss could mean so much. The lack of words didn’t mean they had nothing to say, it simply meant they had too much to say to find a way to express it out loud. Especially Louis. The words was still block halfway through his throat, but he needed to show Harry how much he meant to him. Louis pulled away from his plump lips and looked at them for a second, they were slightly swollen from the hard pressure of the kisses. Slowly, he leant on and linked his lips onto Harry’s neck. The younger boy could feel the hot breath caressing his skin and he threw his head back slightly, offering his neck to Louis’ kisses. It was incredible. Harry held on Louis’s hair, pulling gently as he felt his skin being sucked in between his lips tenderly. He knew he would have to find a way to hide it the next day, but he decided not to think about it at the moment. The younger boy pressed his hand on his boyfriend’s back, pulling him closer as he retained a moan behind his closed lips. He didn’t need his mum to show up at the door and catch them. When Louis wrapped his fingers around his bare thigh and held it against his hip, Harry stopped breathing for a minute. It felt great, better than great. Incredibly amazing. Their crotch were pressed one against the other but Harry knew it couldn’t go further. Firstly, they were not alone in the house, his sister and mother could easily hear them, secondly, he was not sure to be ready yet. He pushed Louis away a bit, his lips leaving his neck cold. 

“We should stop here for tonight.” he said in a breathless whisper. 

Louis fell on the bed but wrapped his arm around Harry’s chest after adjusting his boxers discreetly.

“I don’t want my mum or sister to catch us.” he tried to explain.  
“We should wait, I agree with that, don’t worry.” 

He kissed the boy’s cheek to prove his point. They laid there, immobile, for a while. They stayed quiet, only the sound of their breath breaking the peaceful silence they were drowned in. Louis was brushing his fingers against the younger boy’s chest thoughtlessly, the feeling of his warm and soft skin under his cold fingertips felt too good. All of this looked so much like a dream, Louis considered pinching himself to be sure it was not. It was just love, the feeling of love was sewing a pair of wings in his back. Higher he flew, more scared he was of the fall. 

“Can I close the shutters?” Louis asked, the clear light of the moon preventing him from falling asleep.  
“Of course!” 

Louis stood up and went to roll down the shutters, the room immediately plunged in almost totally darkness. When he laid back down, he noticed Harry’s frown and his lips pinched together. After a small caress of his hand against his chest, he asked:

“What’s wrong?” 

Harry turned his face toward him and he was so beautiful Louis could swear it was unreal. The older boy slid his hand up to his face and stroked his cheek gently, his thumb caressing his soft flawless skin. He hid some of his brown curls behind his ear. 

“Sometimes, I just want to see you so bad...” he started, his eyes closed, long lashes lying onto the top of his cheeks, “but I can’t, it frustrates me a lot. It feels like I am standing beside the most beautiful piece of art on Earth, but I am not allowed to look at it. I am standing in front of the Taj Mahal or the Pyramids in Egypt, but I can’t bring myself to open my eyes. You want to know how it feels, not to be able to look at you?” he asked. 

Louis looked at him, he stared. No one had ever told him anything like that. No one had probably ever think something like that about him. His eyes were burning, but it was not the moment to cry. It was an amazing feeling though. 

“Yes...” he replied, unsure of what was about to come.

Harry was trying to find something Louis would understand. He trapped his lip between his teeth and smiled when he felt Louis’ thumb pressed under his bottom lip, just like he used to do before. 

“Imagine, you’re lucky enough to be thrown back in the 70’s, you’re in the crowd at a concert of Queen. First row, so close to Freddie Mercury, right?” 

The thought made Louis shiver and he smiled as he imagined standing there, dancing as his idols were playing _I Want It All_ just in front of him. But then Harry added:

“And you can’t open your eyes, you can’t hear anything either. You’re just there, you get pushed around, you get sweaty, you know exactly where you are, but you can’t hear or see anything. That’s how frustrating it is.”

Louis scrunched his nose and frowned. He knew he could never entirely understand how Harry felt, it was obvious. But he could try. He moved a bit closer to the younger boy, his lips brushing against his cheek as he slid his mouth against Harry’s ear. 

“But you can still hear me though...” 

He grabbed the 16 year old boy’s hand tenderly and placed it onto his skinny waist. Harry didn’t say anything but he swore he could feel his ribs popping out under his skin even more that one night, and it worried him as he wrapped his fingers around his side.

“You can still feel me and hold me.” he added before leaving a kiss onto his temple. 

Harry turned on his right and held him closer, his hand running up and down Louis’ back. He had missed him. So badly. He had missed his kisses, his hands on him, and even his fear of getting caught all the time. He pushed a bit on his chest so Louis would roll down on his bed. He slid his leg across his thighs and rested his head onto his chest. Usually, Louis could be the one to cuddle on his chest, mostly when he felt bad. Harry had always loved to feel like he could just take care of him, to be the shoulder he could cry on. But sometimes, he simply wanted to be the one to be taken care of. His curls tickled Louis’ chin a bit but he didn’t mind. He smiled down and the happiness running through his veins and sparkling in his heart put him on the verge of tears. He played with his curls for quite a long time. When he heard Harry’s steady breath, the thoughts started exploding into his mind. He wondered about Zayn, Liam, Gigi and Sophia. But he also wondered about his mother and when he should tell her about Harry. After the conversation they had, Louis felt a bit less anxious at the idea of letting her know the truth about him. Obviously, he was still hesitating. He wanted to get advices. Advices from other people than boys who were not terrified of their parents’ reaction. Advices from someone who knew and understood how he could feel. But he didn’t know any gay boy who had a hard time coming out to their family. He felt pretty alone, he could not really talk about it to anyone. They would just tell him to do it, that Johannah would accept it, it was easy to say, easy to listen but hard to understand. He wished he could introduce Harry again, as his boyfriend this time. He wished he could peck his lips in the middle of the living room while his mother was cooking pancakes for their breakfast. He wished he could take Harry to holiday with them next year. He wished Harry would be treated just like Tamara used to be, as a part of the family. He knew how happy it would make the young boy. 

When Louis took the girls out to McDonald’s the next evening, he was pretty content with how his own life was going at the moment. He was still absolutely terrified of having everything taken away again though. Because he knew it was coming, and he couldn’t stop it. It would be like trying to stop a train by standing in the railway, it would hit him anyway. He flinched when Lottie almost threw her phone into his face, asking – demanding – him to take a picture of her and her three younger sisters. The twins jumped on their older sisters’ laps and Louis shook his head with a smile, taking several shots. Louis had to use a bit of his authority when Daisy and Phoebe started throwing their legs in the air, laughing loudly. Many people were looking at them, and he knew too well they were judging. He refused to lose his control again, he just snapped at his sisters and told them to eat their food. Louis had simply ordered some French fries but he hadn’t eaten much, none if he was being honest. He wasn’t planning on eating any really so he simply pushed them toward his sisters. 

“Oh, Louis, you know they’re doing Grease again this year!” Lottie exclaimed with a smile. 

Louis had played Danny in a play back when he was in high school and that had been only fun and good memories. Félicité chuckled a bit and rolled her eyes, knowing too well where it was going. 

“And, I was thinking about auditioning for Sandy!” 

Félicité snorted and looked at her sister. 

“What?!” Lottie snapped.  
“You can’t sing.” Daisy exclaimed, laughing louder than needed. 

Lottie blushed and Louis was about to defend her but Phoebe added something and the twins started laughing hysterically. An old couple on their left turned around to look at them, or more like staring at them. Louis wondered if they had ever been told it was really disrespectful. He didn’t want to yell at his sisters when it was the first time he spent some time with them after a while. He just wanted to enjoy the moment.

“Girls, you’re not being nice! Lottie, if you want to give it a try, than do it!”  
“Thanks Lou. How was it going back to college?”  
“Hey, Louis!” he heard a feminine voice yell on his left. 

He looked toward the voice and saw Gigi waving happily toward him, he froze when he noticed Zayn standing next to her, rubbing his forehead. He could feel a heavy weight onto his stomach. He had tried to contact Liam and Zayn since the advices he had got from Johannah and had never received any reply to any of his text. He had been careful on not being rude, and trying to seem as accepting as he could be. They had not been opened to the conversation and it was really obvious they were not planning on fixing anything about this situation. Louis had even considered texting Gigi and Sophia to tell them something was happening, because he felt terribly guilty of leaving them in their already messed up relationship. That was not going to end well. Gigi pulled on her boyfriend’s hand as they walked toward them. 

“Hi girls!” she said as she turned toward his sisters. 

Gigi seemed genuinely happy and it broke Louis’ heart. He knew at any moment, everything could break all around her. Zayn disgusted him, he refused to look up to him and face him. He knew his friend had fought for Gigi, to prove her he was not the kind of man everyone thought he was, that he was not a cheater like she had been told. 

“Can we sit with you, they are going to bring us our meals.” she asked.  
“Gigi, we can find somewhere to...”  
“Zayn, come on, don’t be stupid. Of course you can sit down with us.” Louis said, plastering the fakest smile on his thin lips. 

The younger boy noticed, of course. He shook his head discreetly toward his best friend as his girlfriend sat down next to Félicité. Louis knew exactly what it meant, he had to shut up. Louis swore he may have also meant he would have things to say as well. But what did Louis risked if his sisters knew about Harry? Shocked? Probably. But he could go through it. Could Zayn could go through another person spreading around he was a cheater? Probably not. He hated how their friendship went from absolute trust to complete blackmail. But it was not his fault, was it? He was not the one who had cheated on someone he was supposedly in love with. Zayn sat down next to his girlfriend and help her hand on the table. Louis had to bite the inside of his cheek not to let the horrendous truth slip out of his mouth. Gigi needed to know. It was wrong to let her believe her own so lovable boyfriend was cheating on her. It was wrong to let her hope and believe in lies. 

“So, what are you doing here?” the blond girl asked Louis’ sisters.  
“Louis had come home early so he took us there. He was locked out yesterday, he had to sleep at Harry’s, it was hilarious when mum told us.” 

Gigi laughed quietly and smiled at her boyfriend’s best friend. The happiness was covering her whole face, from the large smile stretching her lips to the shinning stars into her eyes. When Lottie asked back, Gigi grimaced a bit and looked at Zayn. 

“He had been working a lot those last days, I wanted to spend some time with him.”

She slid her fingers in his dark hair and stroked it gently. He threw her a smile and Louis almost threw his French fries to his face.

“Yes, Zayn had always _loved_ working.” he said, looking right into his best friend’s brown eyes. 

His best friend shook his head again. Félicité and Lottie shared a questioning look, a frown crossing their young faces. Their brother’s voice had never sounded more sarcastic. 

“Yes, that’s true and he spends all his free time with Liam, it almost seems like he’s his partner instead of mine.” she added, laughing a bit at her own remark.  
“Oh no, he’s probably working, Liam probably helps him a lot, right Zayn?” 

Félicité shivered at the unknown ton in her older brother’s voice. And probably everyone noticed, even the twins had stopped talking and was staring at Louis and Zayn with wide eyes. Lottie stood up, holding the red tray with many empty boxes on it. 

“Louis, we should maybe...”  
“What’s wrong with you?” Zayn almost shouted.  
“Me? What’s wrong with _me_?! I am not the biggest liar in town!” the older boy yelled back. 

Every single person in the room had turned to look at them and Lottie had sat back down, frozen onto her seat. As for Gigi, she looked terribly confused. She had never seen them fight, obviously she hadn’t known Louis for long but still. She took a look at the girls around her, the youngest seemed terrified.

“You shut up, Louis!” Zayn said in between his clenched teeth. “Understood? You shut the fuck up!”  
“I didn’t want to say anything but you don’t even have the bravery to answer my texts! You’re so scared of the consequences of your own mistake, you don’t even want to face me!” Louis spat loudly. 

He wanted to say it, right there, right now. He wanted to tell Gigi how her boyfriend had been cheating on her with his other best friend. He wanted them to fight or fix the situation. He hated the position he had been forced in. He didn’t want to know and shut up, it just sounded unfair to the young girl. He looked as Gigi stood up, holding Félicité’s hand. 

“Move, Zayn, I will take the girls outside while you’re both fighting childishly in a public place.”  
“No, it’s okay, I have nothing to tell him anyway.” Louis said as he grabbed his jacket and stood up. 

He took the trays and threw the empty boxes in the bin and as the twins slid their hands in his, he walked away from Zayn. He apologised to Gigi and the five of them walked out of the fast food. When they stopped in front of Dan’s car – the pick up was out of the question according to Johannah – the girls stood in front of him, their arms crossed over their chest. 

“I am really sorry girls...” he said as he checked his pockets for the keys.  
“Why did you fight?” Félicité asked, her arm wrapped around Phoebe’s shoulders. 

Louis could not tell them, he knew it. It would be useless anyway, to try and explain to them, and he knew what kind of thing they would _advice_ him, to tell the girls. Which, honestly, he was not so against it anymore. 

“Zayn had done something bad… Something I do not support or understand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! How are you doing today? I hope you're having a good day!  
> Soooo, here's the 34th chapter. I still can't realise I've started to post this story months ago. But mainly, I can't realise I only have one chapter and the Epilogue left to write! Oh my... Seriously? I've sweat so much during the writing. Made so much research on Braille and experienced things to put myself in Harry's character's shoes. I had more low than highs. I'm hardly ever happy with any chapter I write. Usually, I write them several times, it can be so frustrating! But I am almost done with the writing and I am really excited, but so sad to say goodbye to those characters I've built over the chapters...  
> But I hope you liked this chapter!  
> I can't thank you enough for reading my work and taking time to leave kudos, you're all so kind ! THANK YOU ♥  
> Take care of you beautiful people! ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	35. Chapter 35

# THE DEAL

**_October 5th_ **

Louis opened the door of his apartment slowly in a loud creaking sound. He let his backpack fall on the ground. The first day of the week had not been the best. He hadn’t even went back home the last week end. He stayed there, locked into his apartment, drowning in his own thoughts. He had received many texts, phone calls, from his mother, Harry, his sisters, Zayn or Liam. He had barely answered anyone. He knew it was coming, he had tried to get ready for the impact. He should have known he could never be ready to feel the wave of pain crash onto his body like that. Louis had started to get used to it. Through times, it had started to feel almost like a habit. Something he was used to. But he had been in such a beautiful place a week ago, it was hard to face the darkness of his mind after so much light. He took his jackets and sweatshirt off, throwing them on the ground before he went to the kitchen. He made some tea, waiting for the water to get hot. He got rid on his soaked jeans to put on a pair of fluffy pyjamas. It was silent, apart from the drops of the rain collapsing against the window loudly. He could also hear the neighbours fighting again. It seemed like they had been doing it a lot lately, almost like their couple was falling apart. Sometimes, Louis would throw his fist on the wall, trying to make them shut. It was around 2 am that other neighbours would complain about the unbearable fighting, all of the insults being yelled through the walls. The police showed up once, around 4. He sat down on his rocking chair behind his window. He wrapped his frozen fingers around the hot cup, trying to get them warmer. Tea was the only thing he allowed himself to swallow lately. Maybe an apple or an orange every now and then, when his head would feel like spinning too much. His stomach hurt, obviously, but he did not care. He brushed his tummy with his hand under his top. He could feel them, the bones under his skin. They were prominent. He liked them. He liked brushing his fingers against them, it made it more real. The number he was used to read on the scale every day was a part of it, but he couldn’t feel the numbers. His bones popping against his skin made it easier to believe it. He liked to slide his fingers onto his collarbones, he liked feeling his bony hips onto his palms. Every now and then, through the day, he would just check he hadn’t gained any more fat. Standing in front of his mirror for thirty minutes had become a habit. Every morning, every evening before bed. Waking up and taking the time to let all the pain seep in his organism, running through his veins and pressing onto his brain. Getting up, slowly to avoid feeling dizzy, dragging his feet to the toilet, taking a wee and climbing on the thin glass scale. He started saving his weight into his phone. He would also stand in front of the long mirror in his bathroom, half naked, he would examine everything. From his jaw line to his calves, not forgetting his stomach and bottom. He couldn’t start a day without this new daily routine. He felt terribly alone, all over again. The pleasing moments spent in Harry’s heavenly embrace seemed very far away. He was not even sure if it had really happened. It was too pleasing to be true. Too lovely and warm for his frozen gloomy world.   
Louis stayed sitting there for a while. He just looked at the rain kicking loudly against the window, and the wind violently collapsing against the tall trees in the street. The night had already wrapped its arms around the city when Louis decided to take his bath. He had given up on the idea of taking cold bath lately, it already felt like his fingers were on the verge of falling off his hands. He laid in the bathtub, his body drowned in the almost burning water. From there, he could still hear the rain and the loud yelling coming from the apartment next door. Sometimes, when they kept him up at night with their horrendous insults, he wondered why they simply didn’t break up. It was obvious to the whole building their couple was not going to work.   
He read a bit more of _The Portrait of Dorian Gray_ , taking some notes on the margin, but he couldn’t really focus. He knew he would probably have to read it again later to actually remember what had happened within those pages. 

Once he had finished drying himself with a not so soft towel, he stood in front of the mirror for a while. He suck his stomach in, ran his hands across his ribs and took a look at his reflection. The voice in the back of his brain kept on telling him that was what he was supposed to look like, it convinced him that he needed to. How would he keep Harry if he gained back his large hips and chubs? He was exhausted sometimes, to always fight against his own mind. He was exhausted to always pick up every single flaw on his body, his face and make his body his worst enemy. It was tiring to try to be beautiful, to be attractive knowing too well he would never be considered good looking. Louis didn’t care about the girls at college who would look at him and smile, anyone could read those smile full of compliments and admiration, everyone but Louis. He climbed on the scale, looking at his feet and staring at the little rectangle, waiting for the numbers to appear. It was terribly stressful. His stomach was knotted and a huge lump was blocking his throat. _110 pounds_. Louis sighed in relief and grabbed the pair of boxers he had put onto the small white cabinet. He put them on silently. He hadn’t gained any weight, and he had even lost about 15 ounces since last night. It had become an obsession. Louis wouldn’t ever admit it, neither to himself, nor to anyone, but he knew too well where it was going. He had felt his energy leaving his body slowly, he had noticed how tired he was, how everything seemed heavier. Sometimes, his sweatshirt would feel like it weighed at least 10 pounds on his fragile shoulders. He had started doing push ups again, convincing himself it was just the lack of work out. But it was not. It was his body, screaming at him to do something. He was falling into a deep dark bottomless pit and no one would ever find him if he didn’t act now. He felt trapped. He had noticed some people had offered to give him a piece of their sandwich when he was waiting in front of his classroom. He had always refused. He had wondered why. Why would they do that so suddenly when it had never happened before? He had no answers yet. Blinded by the need of reaching his goal. He couldn’t even see his goal had been exceeded a long time ago. His goal was some sort of model’s boy that he had seen so many times in the magazine, those who Tamara would always look at for a moment with a satisfied smile plastered on her lips. Those men wearing their thin muscles like an overly fitting tee-shirt. Louis didn’t only lost the fat he had wanted to get rid of, he had also lost most of his muscles. They were too thin to be seen under his pale skin. But he kept on trying. He was far from the image he had wanted to reach, he had reached it then went further and further until his body looked like a bag of bones wearing oversized clothes. 

Louis sat on his bed, a pair of sweatpants and a large sweatshirt floating onto his skin. He had some assignment to do for the next Monday. He took his notebook and a pen and laid down onto his stomach. He had tried to think about something to write since last Friday when the work had been given. It was not really an important assignment. Every now and then, their teacher would give them some “optional training work”. Every student who had actually done it would all join their teacher on Saturday morning, in a small room of the campus library. The work being optional, the room was usually pretty empty, less than 15 people. Louis didn’t understand why so many people refused to do it, it was actually nice to go. They were given precise and individual advice about their work and how to improve their writing skills. He knew what – who – he wanted to write about. But he was not sure if he would be able to read it in front of strangers. The fact they were stranger made it a bit less stressful but it would be pretty much like standing on the roof and screaming he was dating a man. But he wanted to. It was the only idea to come to his mind and stay there. Harry. 

He had been writing for less than an hour when he heard knocks on the door. He turned his phone on – it was pretty much turned off all day – to check the time. As several messages showed up on the screen, he managed to notice it was almost midnight. He slowly got up from his bed. It couldn’t be a complaining neighbour, he wasn’t playing music and the only loud thing in his apartment was his boiling mind. He dragged himself about to the front door and stopped when three other loud knocks broke the silence. He could hear his heart beat violently in his head and could feel it in his throat. 

“Louis, come on, open the door please.”

His eyes widened when he recognised Liam’s voice. He was definitely not up for a fight, even less at midnight. He simply wanted to lay down in his bed, work a bit and then try and sleep until the next morning, when he would have to get up and face another crappy day. But Liam’s voice only sounded hopeful and tired, there was no angry ton. He unlocked the door slowly, the collar of his sweatshirt falling loosely onto his shoulder. Liam stared for a minute, blinking a bit. Louis wrapped an arm around his stomach and stepped on the side but his friend stayed in the hallway, immobile.

“Are you gonna come in, or…?” he started. 

It seemed to take Liam out of his reverie because he flinched a bit and stepped inside the apartment. Louis locked the door again and they walked silently toward Louis’ room. Louis gathered his stuff and put them back on the bedside table. Liam could see how slow every single movement was. It almost seemed like he had been filmed and the video was played on slow motion. He stared at him for a while, following each of his act, analysing every little thing about his friend. The way his collarbone was showing scarily, almost pushing against his skin to get out. The way his body was unnoticeable under his large sweatshirt. The way the dark circles around his eyes were too blue, too visible and how his skin looked almost too pale for his body to be alive. When he sat down on the bed, the bottom of his sweatpants lifted up his leg a bit and Liam noticed his bony ankle and the bruises on the front of his leg. Louis quickly pulled it back down and looked up to his best friend. 

“What are you doing here?”   
“I just wanted to talk to you… I sent you many messages when I heard about your fight with Zayn, but you didn’t answer.” he started. “And you didn’t come back last week end…”   
“I was too tired to take the road.” 

Liam nodded, trying to keep his eyes away from Louis’ uncovered collarbone which looked on the verge of popping out. He had been wanting to talk to his friend for a while now. 

“I just… I simply wanted to clear some things up. Zayn and I… we didn’t do anything while we were with the girls.. That one night you caught us, it was the first time… It was a mistake and I know it, _we_ know it. We had talked about the past with you and it just reminded us of that time and we kind of lost control.”

In all honesty, Louis didn’t want to hear any of his excuses. No excuse were needed.

“I regret it, so bad… I hadn’t answered you at first because Zayn wanted us to wait until you were calmer…”

Louis looked up to him, he didn’t really know what he was supposed to say. There was nothing to say. They hadn’t wanted to talk about it for more than a week and Louis should just talk to them now, once they choose to? It sounded pretty annoying to him, and selfish. He was tired, all he wanted was to be alone and fall asleep in his bed.

“You should tell Sophia.” was all he said.

Liam shook his head as he looked down to his laps. There was no way he was going to tell his girlfriend. He couldn’t stand losing her. He knew how stupid it had been to even think about doing anything with Zayn while he was dating her. He loved her, a lot. And there was no point to actually go back to him. He knew it was a mistake, and it was wrong, so wrong. Sophia was suspecting something. Liam was always stressed, he was snapping at her and at everyone and she had considered going back to her parents’, because life was not that fun with him anymore. 

“I think she has doubts, but I can’t tell her, she would leave me. I can’t live without her. I love her.”  
“You love her so much, but you still almost slept with Zayn.” Louis said in a loud sigh. 

He could not understand. He knew he would probably never understand. He didn’t plan on even trying to anyway. If he ever did that, he would most likely die of guilt the next days. There was no need to claim he hadn’t hurt anyone in his life, he knew he did. He had hurt Tamara when breaking up with her. He had hurt Harry, and stopped counting how many times, he couldn’t even list the reasons anymore. He had hurt his mother, by hiding things to her and changing so drastically. He had hurt his friends and whole family. But he believed there was a difference between hurting someone unintentionally and betraying them. Liam had not only hurt Sophia, he had also betrayed her, betrayed her trust. He looked up to his smaller friend, his arms were wrapped around his legs and he could notice the bones under the thick fabric of his sweatpants. He could read the disappointment in his eyes, in the middle of all the sadness and pain they seemed to contain. 

“I know, we just… lost our control and, yes, it almost happened. But you came in! So it didn’t happen!”  
“You say this like it makes it less horrendous, less of a mistake. It’s still wrong. I am not the saviour of your couple in the situation, I am the one who witnessed your betrayal and have to go on with life with the guilt of not saying anything, just because you’ve been my best friend for years. I would rather say everything to Sophia and feel like I’ve been a friend to the person who deserved my support.” he admitted, his eyes cold and his lids heavy. 

His words hurt Liam, they did, just like a razor blade slashing his heart. He could understand though. Even though, to him, it sounded a bit overreacted. He hadn’t really done it with Zayn, they had kissed and groped each other, at most. And it was also the only time it happened. Was it supposed to be as bad as if they had been doing it for weeks or months? He didn’t think so, unlike Louis.

“Why didn’t you tell her, then?” his voice was soft.

Louis shrugged, looking down to his knees. He could have, honestly. If he had really wanted to tell Sophia and Gigi, he could have called them or sent a text. There were many ways he could have told them about what was happening in their back. But he didn’t. He kept his mouth shut and let guilt run through his body. 

“It would have been too easy for you… I also have to admit I still love you like my brothers and that means I can not betray you by telling the girls.” 

Liam felt his cheeks redden a bit. Louis was a good friend, an _amazing_ friend even. He knew it and he knew he should feel grateful, because he was right. He had went against his principles for him. He knew another friend could have supported him, and brush it away like it was nothing, which he was glad Louis didn’t, as hard as it was to see all the disappointment in his tired blue eyes. The fact his best friend could actually judge his act and tell him in all honestly how wrong what he had done was, just made the situation strangely more bearable to Liam. He needed to realise he had done an horrendous mistake, and Louis was there for that.

“I could agree to tell Sophia, on one condition.” 

Louis frowned and looked up. He was not up for any sort of blackmail or whatever Liam would want to call it. He was overly stressed, worn out, and he felt like all his bones could just break any time. His eyes were burning painfully, asking for sleep and his stomach was starting to be painful after days offering it barely anything. Plus, Louis shouldn’t have to agree on any condition, it was not his mistake, it was Liam’s. It was stupid and very ridiculous to even think about such a thing. Before he could say anything, Liam spoke up. 

“I may have something to fix, but you also have a whole situation to fix.”   
“What are you even talking about?” Louis snapped.   
“Harry.” he simply said. 

Louis shook his head, not really sure what it was supposed to mean. 

“What does Harry have to do with all of this?” he asked in disbelief.   
“If you tell your mum about Harry, I’ll tell Sophia about what happened with Zayn at Niall’s party.”

Air stopped halfway through Louis’ throat. It was unfair, stupid. And where did Liam even find such an idea? He couldn’t do that. Not on some stupid blackmail. He needed to get ready, to choose the moment, to be sure he was actually ready to do such a thing. He wondered when Liam had started to feel like he could just try and control him like that. 

“I know what you’re thinking. But think about it. Your mum won’t even mind, my girlfriend, she’ll probably try to kill me.” he added. 

But it was crazy. He couldn’t even think about a way to tell his mother about Harry. It was terrifying to even think about it. There were many ways it could end. He had to admit his mother hadn’t reacted badly when she heard about Zayn and Liam. She had even mentioned the fact she used to think Louis would date his childhood friend. A boy. She hadn’t sounded really disgusted when she had evoked it. He looked at his knees. He tried to imagine how things could possibly go. If that was what he had to do to get Liam to tell Sophia the truth, maybe he should get over his fear of rejection to face it. 

“Deal?” Liam said as he extended his hand toward his friend.

Louis stared at it for a minute. If he shook it, he knew he would have to tell Johannah. He knew he would have to be honest. It was stressful. There would be no turning back. He brushed his thin fingers against his best friend’s palm and held his hand. They shook hands for a second. He was going to regret it, so bad, he knew it, he could feel it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone ! I hope you're all feeling good and having a good day.   
> This is the 35th chapter. Wow. When I had decided to go on with the writing more than a year ago, I had never imagined I would actually go this far.  
> In theory, after this chapter there will be 5 more chapters and an epilogue.   
> I am so happy I stuck to this project !   
> Thanks, always, for reading this story and leaving kudos ! You're the best ♥  
> Take care of you and stay safe ! ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	36. Chapter 36

# LIKE ICE AND FIRE

**_October 7th_ **

When Louis woke up that one day, he was late. It was almost 11:00 and he had his first class at 8:30. But he couldn’t bring himself to throw the duvet off his shivering body and go to college. No matter what people could think, it was not laziness. He wanted to, he wanted to go there and learn, work and do his best. But he couldn’t. There was an odd and unknown force holding him back to his mattress. The anchor resting heavily on his chest felt like it was about to crash his ribs and organs. He could barely breathe and after the minute of emptiness following his sleep, all the pain collapsed back into his body. The tears were already blurring his vision and he pressed his face into the white pillow. It was painful, hard, tiring. Would it stop, one day? To go back and forth between happiness and deep pain? It was like the world loved to play with him. They would give him everything he had ever wanted, love, an amazing supportive boyfriend, an incredible family. But then, once they noticed he was getting a bit too happy, they torn it away from him. When his mind was getting darker, he could notice the change. He noticed how he suddenly weighted himself more than once a day like he usually did. He noticed how he started feeling guilty and hateful as he remember the – very little amount of – food he had eaten the past days. How he spent ages taking notes of all of his flaws. How much he cried. It was almost like it was two different people, depending of the state of mind he was, broken or alive. There was no in between, although he wished there was. He wished he didn’t go up and down all the time. He could easily content himself with some tears now and then, some smile with a bit of pain and warm feeling of love in his chest. But he could not get that. He was trapped in a world where he had to listen and follow the rules. Where he had no control onto his body. Onto his mind. He was on the most dangerous roller-coasters. He would be at the highest, and would fall back into his grave. His life was not his anymore. His hands were too thin and too fragile to carry the weight of his pain. Louis felt like he could not find his way through the thickest blizzard he had ever had to go through. The wind was freezing his pale skin and the cold air was turning his lungs into two blocks of ice. He was heavy. Well, technically, he was very far from being even close to heavy. It was simply the way he felt, his body felt so huge under the covers of his bed, so heavy. His flesh was holding him back against the mattress and he swore he could feel cold chains trapping his body onto his sheets. He wanted to fight, to get away from them, to run away. He wouldn’t even have enough strength to run, neither would he to get up from his bed today. There was also the fact he would have to make the biggest confession ever the upcoming week end. And it brought a whole lot of anxiety. He had had a hard time falling asleep the night before, which was probably the main reason why he could barely feel his muscles at the moment. Liam had advised him to tell his mother with a text, which sounded even scarier than telling her face to face really. Liam was supposed to tell Sophia that afternoon, and he was simply scared Louis wouldn’t keep his promise, stick up to his part of the deal. But Louis would. He knew he had to. He had promised, and he also wanted to get done with all the lies and secret. Maybe there would be a bit of his heavy burden off his shoulders? Maybe there would be a bit of his pain taken away from his body? He didn’t really know. But he was just exhausted of hiding all the time. He was proud to be with someone as great as Harry. A boy, yes, and an amazing one. Maybe some part of the society wouldn’t agree with him, but should he really care all his life? Should he throw his life into some sort of bin, lock himself into a cell of shame, just so the society could be proud of him? In a way, he wanted the society to accept him, but all the things he had to do sounded so exhausting. If Louis stayed himself, it meant he was not supposed to fit the mould, right? Because he was nowhere close the image of the man he was supposed to be. He was what people would call a _cry-baby_ , weak. That was what he was, right, weak? He had to be held and had to be rocked slowly for his tears to stop rolling down his cheeks. He had to be treated like a baby, because he was one, right? A baby rather than a man. He felt ashamed when he pressed his face harder in the already wet pillow and wrapped his arms around the covers, holding it close against his chest. He was trying hard not to let any scream out of his mouth. He bit loosely on the cushion. He wanted everything to stop. It felt like every organs inside his body had stopped functioning. His throat seemed too tight, his stomach too painful, burning. It was harder to breathe in, the air didn’t even seem to reach his lungs. His blood felt almost too cold into his veins, he wondered how he was still alive. Was he? He was not sure if he could even answer. 

After he had fallen asleep around 3pm and woken up in the evening, he had sat down on his rocking chair. His notebook was on his bent knees and he was swinging the pen in between his fingers. He sipped a bit from his hot cup. His head was throbbing in pain and he couldn’t really focus at the moment. He grabbed his phone on the window sill. He hadn’t answered any texts since Monday night. He didn’t even had enough strength to type onto his screen. He sighed as he noticed the lists of messages he had received from Harry, he was obviously worried. He probably knew what was going on anyway, he was probably used to it by now, and most likely sick of it. He started typing slowly. He didn’t want to give any detail, he didn’t want to write some sort of novel just to tell you one thing. Because he knew he would probably need his advice and support. 

**To Harry: “ _Liam came by on Monday. We made a deal, long story short, I am telling my mum about you this week end._ ”**

Louis quickly sent a text to his mother, some lie about how his phone had broken those last days, just to give an excuse about the lack of reply. He knew it wouldn’t be enough, but he simply threw his phone on his bed and kept looking through the window. It was dark already and he couldn’t see much apart from the trees and houses in the street. Torrents of water were still dropping from the sky and no one was outside. He looked down to the almost blank page on his laps. He had written short notes here and there, but he hadn’t started writing anything really He wanted to be done with it before Saturday. He stared at the paper for a while, mindlessly, his brain couldn’t be less focus than it already was. After more than an hour, some sentences had appeared onto the paper. Most of them were nowhere near what he was used to write. Every single one sounded terribly stupid to him. He even wondered if he could ever read that in front of people, it was too bad. He had just let his hands scratch the pen against the paper. He still had a couple of day to finish it anyway, right? 

When Saturday arrived, Louis was anxious. He was supposed to read out his little work as well as confessing one of his biggest secret to his mother. How was he supposed to face the whole day, to drive back home without breaking down? He was not even sure if he would be able to do so.  
He was the only one sitting in the small room in the library. He was early, probably anxiety. He had been reading his text over and over again. It was awful. The worst text he had ever written. He looked up when a blond girl entered the room, reading a notebook. She closed the door and went to sit down in one of the chairs. He was certain what she had written was much better than whatever he had scribbled on his pages. His heart was so fast, beating so hard he could feel his rib cage vibrate under his skin. After fifteen minutes passed, 12 of the 15 chairs placed in a circle were taken. The teacher, who was a man in his early 30s, entered the room and closed the door. Louis swore he could just faint. His chest felt too tight, his body felt too weak, his lids too heavy. The man took a chair and turned it before straddling it and resting his arms on the backrest. He looked around and his eyes stopped on Louis for a quick second. The young boy was looking down to his now closed notebook. His hands were hidden into the long sleeves of his top. The collar of his sweater was falling loosely onto his bony shoulder. He grabbed it to bring it up higher and held it there for a moment. 

“Hello everyone! Thanks for getting up this week end, I’m very happy to have the honour of having all of you here today. The subject was Love for today, right? So, let’s start!” 

A young girl lifted her hand and he let her read her text. It was great, amazing even, full of impressive metaphor. Louis felt stupid, ridiculously stupid. He shook his head and rested his thin fingers over his temple as he felt a hard thumb inside. He regretted coming, he was pretty sure he would make a fool of himself. He didn’t even want to hear his teacher use kind words to explain nicely how bad it was. They kept on speaking, some lifting their hands and others being chosen by the man. When his name was called, he froze. 

“Do I have to?” he asked in an almost broken voice.  
“That’s why you came here, you should. We’d be happy to hear your text, Louis.” 

Louis breathed in deeply, until he felt his lungs so full they could explode in his chest. He could feel his heart beat in his stomach, in his throat. He looked up to the teacher, who was looking back at him with sympathy. Louis swallowed and opened his notebook, his fingers trembling onto the hard covers. He slid his fingertips again the paper and sighed loudly. He was not ready. The idea of hearing disappointment in his teacher’s voice was worst than hearing them judge his work. 

“ _Love? I’ve heard so many amazingly beautiful stories about love in my life. Not many end up well though. Love doesn’t lead to wedding like fairy tails had tried to teach us. Most of the time, people end up drowning in their own burning tears. Love kills. Love breaks. Not so idyllic, right? Falling in love can feel like our heart is being ripped off our chest. It’s being pushed down the hill when you looked up to the moon, perched on the highest mountain. It’s trying to run away from the terrible monster under your bed, knowing too well it’s hidden in your brain. It’s trying to fly up to the sun, even when your body is trapped to the ground with sharp chains. It’s making the choice to stay on the Titanic, knowing too well it’s sinking. When I fell in love, I sold my soul to the Devil. My heart does not belong to me. My flesh does not belong to my body. I am his, from head to toe. I signed the pact with a kiss on my lover’s lips. I signed the deal to get called names in the street. I fell for an angel, but love is satanic. I will break his wings, as he protects my skin. He always tries to catch me when I drown in the darkest ocean. He always wants to feed me when I disappear in my jeans. I could save him from Cerberus if hell was coming. But I could not save him from me when I will break him._ ”

He didn’t look up immediately, he stared blankly to the words he had read out loud. He could feel their eyes on him, burning his skin like cigarettes pressed onto his body. It hurt. He didn’t have the braveness to face them, he was too scared. He shouldn’t have read it anyway, it was a bad idea. It was stupid to even think it was okay. Louis wanted to run away, but his body was heavy. There was no sound, at all. It was as silent as death, or at least, as silent as Louis imagined death must be. 

“That was… deep.” a feminine voice spoke up suddenly.  
“Yes, I liked it.” another said. 

Slowly, he lifted his eyes, looking to the girls who had broken the heavy silence. They were smiling timidly at him and he smiled back, his pale cheeks turning slightly pink as he nodded. His eyes landed to his teacher who was frowning. It couldn’t delight everyone, obviously. He pinched his lips and closed the notebook slowly. With his fingers, he brushed the fake leather cover. Was he supposed to leave now? Or was he supposed to wait for the man to speak up and give him true judgement and advices about his text. Of course, it was not the best, and Louis knew it, he hated it anyway. He just hope the teacher wouldn’t be too harsh. 

“It was nice Louis, very nice. Maybe a bit too many metaphor? You should work on making a longer text also, but it was very nice.” 

Louis thanked him quietly and nodded. The hardest part of the day was to come. 

The drive had been long. It probably felt longer than it actually was really. It had also been very stressful. Sometimes, Louis had had to stop the car on the side of the road to breathe deeply for ten or twenty minutes. Minutes he needed to get ride of the elastic holding his throat tighter, preventing any air from coming down and feeding his lungs with oxygen. All his body was in pain and when he entered his house, he could barely feel any air feeling his lungs. He even wondered if he hadn’t turned bluish already. His chest was heavier than ever and a strange uncomfortable weight was hanging onto his ribs. He had to stop in the hallway, his stomach was threatening him to throw back out the 75 grams of blueberries he had forced down in the morning. His head was throbbing in pain and it seemed like everything was about to crash all around him, the ceiling falling onto his head. He grasped on the handle and breathed in. He had to do it now. He had to be done with all of this. He couldn’t wait or he would die there, his heart felt like it was about to stop in his chest. His lungs was begging for air. His stomach was begging for food. His whole body was on the verge of breaking apart. He walked carefully toward the voices that could be heard in the living room. He stopped in the door frame and Johannah’s and his sisters’ eyes fell on him with a shy smile. Lottie and Félicité were there, and he was happy there were not any other of his siblings. He could feel the saliva struggling to go down his throat. He looked at them for a quick second. Their faces changed. The smile was gone, replaced with a large frown. He closed his eyes tightly and let the heavy words leave his mouth: 

“I am in love with Harry.” 

There was no sound. He couldn’t open his eyes. He hadn’t done that right? It was just a dream, a stupid illusion. It could only be an illusion. He wanted to take the words back, he needed to delete this memory from his family’s heads. He shouldn’t have done such a thing, it was wrong, the biggest mistake he could have ever done. He knew it. They would hate him, be disgusted by him. His sisters wouldn’t want to talk to him at all anymore and his mother would kick him out. She wouldn’t want a gay son, she would rather have no son than someone who would date a man. When he felt two arms wrap around his chest, he opened his eyes slowly. Tears had made their ways through his lids and were rolling down his cheeks. He breathed in again and he recognised his mother’s smell. She was hugging him, she was not throwing him out of her house. She was just, holding him tightly against her. And she only needed to say four small words for his face to drown under burning tears. 

“It’s okay, love.” 

He threw his skinny arms around her and buried his face into the crook of her neck. Some strands of her hair was tickling his face but he didn’t care. He told his mum and she hugged him. It was a good thing, right? It was good. His heart was beating so hard inside his chest, almost like it was telling him they would be okay. Because they would. Louis would still have a roof over his head, he would still have his bedroom, his bed, and his mother’s love, no matter if he had fallen for a boy. No matter if the only person he wanted to kiss was that boy. He felt her arms tighten around him, her hands pressed against his spine, almost painfully. But he didn’t say a word, he stayed there, he didn’t want to let her go. He could still be dreaming and when he would wake up, she would slap him. He didn’t want to leave her embrace but she pulled away from him first. Her eyes were glossy and he felt his heart missing some beats at the thought he might have disappointed her. She lifted her hands and wiped the tears off his cheeks. That’s at this moment he noticed his sisters were standing behind her with smiles. 

“You don’t hate me?” he asked, his voice holding so much pain. 

Johannah frowned and shook her head. 

“Of course not, honey! Why would I ever hate you?” 

He shrugged, he knew he didn’t need to say why, that she could understand. His head was about to explode. Yes, he told her. He confessed to her his biggest secret. Strangely, the heavy anchor chained to his fragile chest was still there. He was still terribly exhausted. He was still cold. He still hated the way he looked, he still wanted to throw anything up in hope it would erase the fat still clung to his bones. Yes, he felt like he didn’t have to lie to her about Harry anymore. But he had never realised Harry was the least problematic secret in his life. He had so many more. From the lack of any food in the fridge at his apartment to the body he was covering under the big clothes. But he didn’t say a word about those. He didn’t consider saying anything about it, never. He sat with his mother and sisters for a moment. They asked him when he had known he was in love with Harry, Lottie even asked if they had ever had sex. It was an embarrassing and very awkward conversation. He stayed silent most of the time, answering with short sentence or only one word. He had imagined telling his family for such a long time now. But this time, it was true. He had never thought it could be like that. Louis had convinced himself he would be hated, there would be screaming and insults thrown at him. The truth was so far from what he had imagined through the weeks. Lottie told him Harry had called her several time to ask what he was doing and why he hadn’t answered him. After that, Johannah told Louis to go spend the night at his place, she didn’t forget to lecture him a bit about safe sex, just so he could be even more embarrassed. He didn’t know if he wanted to go. Harry would probably ask a lot of questions and he wouldn’t have the strength to answer any of them. He would want to hug him and Louis wouldn’t feel like being touched, at all. It was a real bad idea but he knew he owed him this, at least. Harry had always tried his best for Louis, maybe a bit to much, indeed. And Louis needed to prove him he was the right person for him. It was complicated. Because Louis himself knew he was not. He was not good for Harry, he was pretty much the contrary really.  
He took a quick cold shower, his body shivering terribly as he left the bathroom wrapped in his long blue towel. He laid down on his bed, staring at the white ceiling for a little while. The thoughts were burning his scalp badly. They were trying to escape his head, pressing painfully against his skull. The pressure inside his head was obviously imaginary, but it was hurting and he would never find any way to make it stop. His hand was flat on his hollowed stomach. He sent a quick message to Harry, asking if he could spend the night at his place. Harry must have thought it didn’t go well with Johannah because he answered almost too fast. Louis could almost hear the concern in his deep voice when he read it. Louis slowly picked some clothes – randomly – out of his wardrobe. Once he had put on a short sleeve grey t-shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans, he sat back onto his bed. Strangely, he felt nervous about going to Harry’s. About seeing him. Nothing had happened, it was probably the fact he had answered barely any of his texts the last days. He looked out of the window. Of course there was no light in Harry’s room, he didn’t need to turn the light on. He put on his pair of black van’s. After kissing his family goodnight, he left the house. Crossing the street felt harder to do that one day. Louis just wanted to sit on the pavement and just fall asleep there. He was not even sure he had enough strength to knock at the door. But he did. When Anne opened the door, he tried to plaster a happy smile on his lips, he really did. But he knew he failed when her smile dropped a bit and a frown crossed her forehead. She didn’t question. They simply shared their usual greetings before he went upstairs. They seemed higher than ever and he even considered the fact they might have added several steps. When he reached the first floor, he stopped and breathed in. He was ready to just stop here and break down. His chest was heavy, his head ready to explode and his eyes were burning sorely. He could hear his steps on the wooden floor, and the whispers downstairs. He stopped in front of Harry’s door. He remembered the first time they had met months ago. He remembered his curls struggling to escape from his beanie, his dark sunglasses perched on his nose. He lifted his bony hand and hit his knuckles against the door. When he heard Harry’s deep voice allowing him to come in, he grabbed the handle with his shaky hand and opened the door. 

“Hi...” he said, his throat tight. 

He closed the door and soon enough, he was sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“I am sorry I hadn’t answered.” he started. 

He didn’t even know what to say, there was no reason or excuses that would explain why he had not replied to him. So he didn’t even try to apologise, because there was simply nothing to explain. Himself couldn’t explain the way he felt. It had just hit him all over again, like the times before. It was not the first time, it wouldn’t be the last time. There would be days he would feel even worse, days he wouldn’t want to face the world. Harry pushed the Braille book off the bed in a loud noise and turned onto his back. A loud and long sight escaped his plump lips. Louis could read the disappointed painting his face. He wanted to press his face into the pillow and just let the tears soak it. He didn’t want to be _weak_ but it was so hard. The pressure into his skull and against his ribs was so strong. The pain running through his body was so inexplicable. He hated knowing nothing about why he felt like dying inside. He had no answers. He had no explanation. He was all alone facing the blurred reality of his aching soul. He had closed his eyes, trying his best not to let any tears cross his lids. But he could already feel the lump in his throat and he trapped his already trembling bottom lip in between his teeth. He was a mess, felt like such a freak. He felt Harry’s hand on his still wet hair and onto his bare upper arm. He didn’t realise what Harry was doing until he felt a warm and soft fabric fall around his arms and torso, and his nose being squashed a bit as the collar of Harry’s knitted sweater slid around his head. Louis opened his eyes and frowned when he looked up to his boyfriend. He slid his arm into the sleeves of the sweater Harry had just put on him. A single tear dropped onto his cheek. He was loved. So damn loved and he couldn’t bring himself to appreciate all the love the boy in front of him wanted to give him. 

“You’re so cold.” Harry whispered against his ear after he had sat behind him and wrapped his arms around Louis’ chest. 

It was not even an affectionate hug, he was worried. Worried by the overly coldness of his skin. It was so cold, Harry swore he had felt it behind the door. He rubbed his hands against the older boy’s arms, blowing a warm air into his neck. Harry closed his eyes tightly and pinched his lips when Louis moved, he could feel his bony spine brushed against his torso. He wouldn’t have wanted to cry if he hadn’t felt all of his vertebras pressed against his chest, like there was only bones in his small body. Harry’s chest was warm, crazily warm against his freezing back. 

“I am...” Louis started before he was cut off.  
“I don’t want you to talk. I want you to lay with me, I want to lend you all my warmth, I want you to rest and sleep.” Harry murmured again. 

Louis let a sob escape his mouth but Harry stayed silent. He didn’t say a thing. He didn’t ask. They simply laid in his bed after Louis had taken his jeans off his legs. Harry tangled his legs to his boyfriend’s in an attempt to warm his body up, even if only for the night. Harry’s body was pressed innocently against Louis’. He held him tightly, he hoped his blood would get warmer quickly, even if he knew the problem wasn’t the weather. Louis’ temperature wouldn’t change with a hug or a warm sun beam caressing his skin. They laid down like this for approximatively an hour until Louis turned around to look up to the curly haired boy. His eyes were closed, his lashed drawing a horizontal dark crescent moon onto the top of his cheeks. He pulled one of his arm out of Harry’s embrace to brush Harry’s bare chest. The 16 year old boy shivered a bit when the cold hand rested over his pectoral. His fingers looked scarily pale against his slightly tan skin. Harry’s chest was going up and down gently, steadily. He slid his thin hand onto his side and in his back, holding him tighter. Maybe his body was not any warmer. Maybe his fingers still felt on the verge of falling off. Maybe his eyes were still burning and his lips trembling. But his heart was beating normally, not too fast, not too hard, it was normal all over again. The weight was still pressing onto his chest and the lump still blocking his throat but his heart was warmer. Harry had that influence on his heart. That’s how Louis knew the boy was the one. His heart had chosen him. And his brain would never have its say. His heart was linked to Harry’s heart. It wanted to beat in sync with him. And no matter how hard Louis tried, he would never stop being in love with him. It was him, or no one else. It was a whole life with him, or an endless life of torture and atrocious pain. Louis rested his forehead against his chest. He could hear and feel Harry’s steady breath, he was asleep. Louis swallowed and closed his eyes slowly. 

“I love you too.” he muttered, before drifting away from reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> Firstly, I wanted to start by saying, I really hope all of you are safe from the tragic events happening all around the world! ♥  
> Have you listened to Zayn's new song? It's so good, I love it! I was sceptical because I didn't like his first solo album, at all, it simply wasn't my type of music. But Dusk Till Dawn is a very nice song, Sia feating just makes everything even better!  
> Also, I've finished the writing of this story. I am currently going through the writing of the Epilogue. I still can not realise I am about to say goodbye to those characters. I feel like I've went through all of this with them. Louis is definitely one of my favourite characters I've ever written, and saying goodbye is really hard. It will be much more harder when I will actually realise it's over.  
> But here's the 36th chapter, and after this one, you'll have 5 more chapters and the epilogue!  
> Thank you for reading this story and leaving kudos, I'll never say it enough, but it makes you really happy!  
> Take care of you and stay safe, please ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	37. Chapter 37

# THE UNEXPECTED

**_October 15th_ **

When he had received the call, he had been surprised, scared even. Well, absolutely terrified. He hadn’t expected to hear that one voice ever again, he had always believed it was done, definitely over, that there was nothing more to say. He hadn’t moved on, not entirely, he knew it each time he would look in the mirror and shed tears on the scale. But he thought _she_ had moved on. He had assumed she hated him now, that she had also probably spread rumours about him already. It was sad, thinking the only person he used to trust and cherish could do that to him. But she had called. And here he was, in the café they used to sit and work on college assignments together. He was waiting for her, incredibly anxious. His heart was beating hard and painfully in his chest. His throat was dry and his hands sweaty. It was never planned, it was not how it was supposed to happen. But he didn’t mind. He had shared his life with her for about two long years. No matter what happened during those months, it had happened. It was supposed to happen. Just like he was supposed to break up with her and fall for a boy. That was meant to happen and he could never change things. But he couldn’t deny the fear hammering his stomach and crashing his lungs.   
When she arrived, he was surprised, shocked even. Because she was not wearing any expensive pieces of clothing like she used to. She was wearing one of _his_ large Adidas hoodie and one of _his_ pair of Adidas sweatpants. The hood was covering her hair and she looked exhausted. She had no make up on although he knew how she loved using it and playing with it. She walked toward him and when she flashed him a smile, he noticed how fake it looked, almost as sad as his. Louis stood up and opened his arms with a soft smile plastered on his thin chapped lips. After a second of hesitation, Tamara slid into his embrace and they wrapped their arms around each other. That relationship had hurt him, badly. It had thrown him on the cold floor, naked and beat him until he couldn’t breathe anymore. It had slashed his heart with sharp blades, over and over again. Her words had slashed his flesh. It happened, yes. But she was her, just her. This girl standing in front of him, hugging him, she looked more like the one he had met years ago than the one he had broken up with some months ago. And it felt reassuring. It comforted him. She hadn’t pointed out his weight or his outfit yet and he hoped she wouldn’t. It felt too good to end. Too nice to stop it and go back to the pain. When she let him go and stepped back, her eyes were glassy. She slid slowly on the booth and he did the same in front of her. 

“I ordered your favourite hot chocolate.” he said, pointing at the drink in front of her. 

She smiled and nodded, without a word. She looked at him through her lashes for a while, silent. It was heavy and tense for a while, none of them talked, dared to say anything. None dared to open their mouth to break the painful silence and make more painful noises. She was so silent, so calm, looked so sad and tired. He had rarely ever seen her like that, probably never if he was completely honest. Of course questions was burning his tongue but he kept them in, shushed them. He observed quietly as she sipped a bit of the drink, licking her upper lip to get the whipped cream off and sat straight. 

“How are you feeling?” she suddenly asked.

Did she expect him to say he felt bad, to say he was miserable without her? Did she expect him to say he needed her near him, that he could never live without her by his side? Was it all an attempt to get him back? He plastered a large smile on his lips, stretching them as his cheeks went up and crashed his eyes painlessly. 

“Pretty good, college had started again and it’s great, I missed it. What about you?”

Once he was done lying, she crossed her arms over her chest and looked down to her laps. It didn’t seem to be the answer she was expecting. It didn’t seem to make her happy to _know_ he was feeling good, even without her. When she slid the hood off her head, showing her hair, he stopped breathing for a moment. It was short, really short. Her usual long waves were more tight and messy on her head. It was almost as short as his and he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. 

“I tried.” she said, silently. 

He frowned. He couldn’t ask anything because he had lost his voice somewhere. Her long hair was now gone, although he knew how bad she loved it. She used to take care of her hair for hours, just because she enjoyed it. She used to enjoy running her fingers through it, enjoyed braiding it, straightening it, curling it. She used to love to spend huge amount of money in product to try and make it more shiny, even though none worked. When Tamara looked up to him, some strand of her brown curls falling over her face, he was not sure he wanted to hear whatever she was about to tell him. Her eyes were too glassy, too red. 

“I tried to be him.” she suddenly said. “Your new man. I tried to be him.” 

He wondered if it was a joke. Was it a joke, a prank pulled up by her and her friends to humiliate him in a public space? Was it a wig she was wearing, hiding her real long hair. Was she trying to hurt him, to trap him? Louis couldn’t breath, nor talk and he was simply waiting for her to talk, to add something. 

“When she told me you broke up with me because you were gay, I was mad.” she added, looking away. “When she told me you fell for this curly haired boy, I was just… sad. I wanted to be him. I wanted you back, I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t want to look desperate. But, when I understood you couldn’t love me anymore because… because you liked boys, I turned crazy.” she paused, tears filling her eyes. 

Louis thought he was about to pass out. His heart was beating so hard, so fast he could feel it vibrate in each bone of his body. Droplets of sweat was rolling onto his cold skin. He gulped, frozen. It could not be real. All of this, all around him, Tamara, the café, the people and her words hurting his eardrums. It could not be real. It was not possible. He couldn’t even try to understand and comprehend any of her words, they were just falling into his brain and burning his scalp. He could have just rip his hair off if he didn’t remind himself he was in a public place. She took a quick glance at him before staring at her cup. 

“It started simply, I looked for his social media, I searched for hours. Days. I only had his name. When I found his Facebook page, it just exploded in my face. I stared at his pictures for ages. I looked nothing like him, or maybe I did, that’s what I tried to convince myself. I spent so much time comparing my face to his. Every single detail, I could probably draw him out of memory now. I wore your clothes, hoping you didn’t lend him yours. When I fell asleep in your sweatshirt I hoped you weren’t falling asleep in his. At first, I only wanted to try and dress like him. I bought lot of shirts and tried them. I wanted to be him. I thought that maybe, if I looked more like him, more like a man, you’d take me back and forget him. But I was getting out of hand. I stalked him and almost harassed your sister for a month, so she could tell me things I didn’t know about him yet. Some weeks ago, I did this.” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks, pulling on a piece of her hair. “I tried to cut it just like his, as you can see, it failed badly. It looks terrible, I know…”

She stayed silent. Or maybe she was talking, all he knew was that he could not hear anything anymore. His heart was beating too fast in his chest and echoed in his ears. It was almost painful. He felt lost, he could not understand anything. What was happening? What was she truly trying to say? That she wanted him back? Or that she hated him for liking a boy? He didn’t know if he could ever get that confused. None of what she was trying to tell him really made sense to him. He was frowning deeply and when he looked back at her, she was looking at him with glassy eyes. She looked so sad, seemed almost broken. 

“I am sorry I did that to you...” she started, her voice heavy.   
“Did what?” 

She pointed at him.

“All of that. You look pale and I can almost see your bones through your skin.”

He frowned, even more confused. What was all of this supposed to be about? Had she planned on coming here and rambling about whatever she had in mind, no matter how confusing it would sound to Louis? It was painful. He didn’t know if he was supposed to say anything. He was trying his hardest to think of something. Thousand of words were crossing his mind, but none was making sense. 

“No, I know it’s not our break up… It’s the way I treated you when we were together. Félicité told me that too. For over a month, she opened my eyes on how bad I treated you. I took you for granted. I really did, I thought you loved me, that I was good for you and you’d always stick up to me. I didn’t think I needed to tell you how good of a boyfriend you were. I didn’t think about telling how good you looked and how nice you were. I know how bad I was and I am sorry if I am the one who pushed you to do that...”   
“Do what?” he asked again, more confused.   
“To look like that, scarily pale and overly skinny.”

Louis pulled up onto his collar, trying to hide his collarbones. He felt embarrassed. He hid his hands into his sleeves, trying to warm his thin fingers. He had kept Harry’s sweater from the other night, maybe he had simply forgot to give it back. He was only probably using it as an excuse for the fact he didn’t want to give it back. It was thick, soft and warmer than any of his clothes. He hadn’t washed it yet and it still smelled like Harry. He stopped himself from lifting the collar to his nose and breathing in. He just looked at Tamara. Words were missing. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say or if he was supposed to say anything. Was she expecting something? It was all very stressful to him, his hands were sweating even with his his cold palms. He felt sick. His stomach was begging him to run to the bathroom. The apple he had taken about thirty long minutes to eat earlier could run up his throat any moment. He sighed and pressed one of his hand against his stomach, he was almost shivering and he swore his chest was about to explode. 

“I am not gay.” he said, looking down to his laps. 

Although he couldn’t see her, he could still feel her eyes focused on him. She was probably judging him, badly. Louis had never planned to tell Tamara he was dating someone else, and he wouldn’t have told her it was a boy. It was too much. He would have never wanted her to know, it was not how it was supposed to go. But he was pretty sure he was not supposed to see her ever again. She looked so different with her messy short brown curls. She sounded even more different though. Tamara was nicer than he had ever seen her act before. It was strange, a bit too weird to seem real. 

“You don’t have to deny, I am not a homophobic Louis. I am not judging you, this is not why I came here. It actually explains why you didn’t want to get intimate with me at the end… Or why it seemed like you was forcing yourself to.”  
“No but I mean I am not gay… Or, I don’t think so… I just, I like him. But I liked you. I liked spending time with you. I don’t want you to think I used you in any way, that you were some sort of cover up for whatever I was hiding. You and him are the only people I felt something for, that I was attracted by. I can’t call myself gay because I liked those years I spent with you, I didn’t force myself, at all. Toward the end, the reason why I… spaced out our intercourses was not because you were a girl. It was because I didn’t feel like showing my body. I felt too bad about myself and generally really down that I had no desire. I am sorry if it made you feel bad.”   
“I know I pressured you to sometimes and I am so sorry about that… I shouldn’t have done that.” she added, almost like she hadn’t heard anything he said. “I feel so guilty Louis. You can’t even imagine. Now I look back and feel horrendous. I treated you terribly. I shouldn’t have done any of that. You were such a great boyfriend and I realised that. I knew you were. You had always treated me like a princess, I was so spoiled and I knew it. I knew how lucky I was to be treated like such a special person. But I took you for granted, I never felt the need to give you back anything you gave me. I was so selfish… I had my head so far up my ass I couldn’t see the pain I put you through and...” Louis cut her rambling off quickly by putting his sleeve covered hand onto hers. 

He looked at her, his blue eyes glassy and he was shaking his head gently. He couldn’t let her do that, let her drag herself down like that. He would never let anyone do that, even those who had hurt him at one point. Maybe it was because he had done it himself for so long. He had felt this pain, the guilt and self-hatred for so long. He could not let her do that. Maybe she had done mistake, but as long as she realised that, the things she had done wrong, it was all good. 

“Stop doing that. You don’t need to do that, to say any of that about yourself.”   
“Will you forgive me then?” 

He was scared she meant more than forgive her. What if “forgive me” meant she asked him back? He couldn’t look at her and tell her no. He couldn’t look through her watery eyes and tell her no. It would break his heart a bit. But, of course, he could never go back in a relationship with her. No matter if she looked like she had changed, there was Harry now. And he would never be able to let him down. Louis knew too well he had hurt him already, too many times and he even wondered why Harry was still with him. Tamara must have caught the look of panic crossing his eyes because she smiled sadly and spoke up: 

“I don’t mean going back with me, don’t worry. I just, I just need to hear you forgive me so I can try and move on. I can learn from my mistake and try not to do the same in the future.” 

He nodded, looking at her fingers she had wrapped around his on the table. She smiled and stayed silent, waiting for him to speak up, to pronounce the words she had wanted – needed – to hear for such a long time now.

“I don’t think you have done anything so bad that you need to be forgiven for, but okay, I promise you you’re entirely forgiven.” he said with a soft smile plastered onto his lips.   
“Thank you Louis. Tell me, does he treat you right? Your boyfriend.” she suddenly asked. 

Was he supposed to talk about his new relationship to his ex girlfriend? Ex girlfriend who didn’t look really over him yet. That would probably be a bit cruel to throw it at her face like that. He didn’t want to hurt her, to hurt anyone really, it was the last thing he wanted. Louis was pretty sure he was not supposed to talk about his boyfriend to her. If there was a constitution for what was right and wrong to do with an ex partner, he was pretty sure talking about a new boyfriend was in the wrong part.

“He’s kind, yeah.” he simply said. 

She nodded, running a hand through her short hair. He could not realise she had done that to her hair, just in hope she would look like Harry. It sounded so crazy, unbelievable. She had never seemed to be the kind of girlfriend who would try and do whatever possible to get her ex boyfriend back. He could hardly believe it. 

“I am happy if he treats you the way you deserve to be treated...” 

Obviously, she didn’t look happy, no matter if she plastered a smile on her lips. He felt bad, really bad to see her like this, to know he was the one who had made her feel sad. He wished she had move on already, he wouldn’t have to witness the sorrow on her face. She was about to speak when Louis’ phone rang loudly in his pocket. He grabbed it and took a look at the caller ID: Harry. He looked up to Tamara and she nodded, showing she wouldn’t mind if he picked up. After he slid his thumb across his screen, he brought the phone to his ear. 

“Hello?” he started looking at Tamara who was drinking silently.  
“Hi, baby.” Harry almost shouted happily. 

Tamara must have heard him because she looked down, her cheeks suddenly pink. She took a phone out her pocket and focused on it. He stood up, he couldn’t stay here and talk to Harry in front of her, he didn’t want to be disrespectful. 

“Wait for me, I’ll be right back, okay?” he said, a smile painted on his lips. 

She nodded shyly and went back to her phone screen. He walked away and left the café, sitting on one of the bench against the wall. 

“Who are you with?” Harry asked, suddenly less cheerful. 

Louis hesitated, he didn’t know if he could be honest and tell Harry. He knew he was a bit jealous, but that wasn’t the bad side of jealousy. He had never burst angrily and yelled at him when he talked to anyone. He would only get slightly bothered. 

“With Tamara.” he said. 

There was a really long silence after he spoke up. He could barely hear Harry breathe. 

“Tamara, like your ex girlfriend Tamara?” he asked, even though he knew too well Louis only knew one.   
“Yes, she wanted to see me.”   
“And of course, you couldn’t say no? Because Tamara is such a nice person, right?” 

Louis was surprised by the heavy ton of annoyance he could hear in Harry’s voice. It was really rare. He sighed a bit, he didn’t know what to expect if he spoke up again. 

“Har-”  
“No. No “Harry”. I know how she treated you, she was a real bitch to you, I know that, I witnessed it at the park that one day. But you just agree to see her again? I am pretty sure if I asked you to see you tonight, you’d say no, because you need to be alone. I respect that, I totally respect that you need to be alone, I respect you don’t want to call me or answer my texts. But you don’t say not to her? You say no to your boyfriend but yes to your ex-girlfriend… How am I supposed to feel about it?”  
“Harry, come on, don’t be...” but once again, Louis was cut off.  
“Don’t be what? Jealous? I am more angry than jealous, really. Angry because she turned you into an insecure skeleton, and I try to shut up about how worried and scared I am for your health, how afraid I am when I feel your bones under my hands. I am so scared, Louis… And I am scared she will put you down even more, drag you down and you’ll feel even worse. I am scared, terrified Louis! Don’t blame me for being crazily in love with you.”

His voice broke in a sob at the end and Louis felt his heart tighten suddenly in his chest. He was shocked at how quickly it escalated. He hated hearing Harry crying. Listening to his sobs at the other end of the line just made it worst. He couldn’t try and comfort him, hold him in his arms. No, he couldn’t only listen, useless. 

“I can’t tell you now because I don’t want to talk about her while she’s waiting there. And we can’t have this conversation over the phone. I am coming home Saturday, will you want to sleep over? We’ll talk then, okay?”  
“Fine, whatever.” 

And before Louis could reply, Harry hanged up on him. He stared at his black screen for a couple of minutes, rubbing his forehead. He was scared, he didn’t want to mess this up, to mess this relationship up. Not after he had told his mother and sisters. Not after he had realised he had fallen in love with him. He couldn’t break it all, couldn’t let it fall apart in between his hands. He was too lucky to have Harry. He wrote a short text before coming back into the café. When he sat down in front of Tamara, he hit send. 

**To Harry: _“Don’t be angry, she knows I am dating you, she knows I moved on and she isn’t rude right now. Come to my house Saturday night, we’ll talk about whatever you want.”_**

He slid his phone on the table and looked back to her with a sad smile. He quickly apologised for his absence. She shook her head and put her own phone back in her pocket. 

“It was him? Is he mad you’re here with me?” she grimaced, looking genuinely worried.   
“A bit… Only because he thinks you hurt me.” he said, shaking his head and shrugging.   
“I did, he’s right.” she said in a sad whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!   
> I am very sorry I post this chapter a bit late! I had been quite busy all day!   
> I am going back to uni on monday, but I'll try and post every friday, like I'm used to do.  
> Before the end of the story, I wanted to include a chapter with what happened to Tamara after the break up, showing another part of her character. I hope none of you minded, if you did, I'm really sorry!   
> As always, thank you for reading my story and leaving kudos ! This is very important to me so THANK YOU!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	38. Chapter 38

# THE FEAR

**_October 17th_ **

“So, aren’t you going to say anything?” Louis whispered painfully. 

Louis was sitting on his bed, cross-legged, looking up from his fingers to stare at Harry. The younger boy was sitting on the office chair, turning on himself a bit, silent. He hadn’t said a word yet, although he had arrived about fifteen minutes ago. He had simply stayed there, away from Louis, his plump lips sealed and his ears pretty much closed. He had entirely ignored his boyfriend. Louis had originally decided he wouldn’t be the one to give up, but as he had seen the minutes go by, he had understood Harry wouldn’t say anything. He didn’t want to waste the short time he had to spend with his boyfriend. But he couldn’t understand perfectly why Harry seemed so mad at him. They had – somewhat – fought, yes, maybe they had. But was there really anything to be mad about? Tamara was his ex girlfriend, it was in the past, their whole relationship was in the past. Their kisses and intimate moments had been erased from his mind. The pleasure he used to get whenever he was with her seemed really, really far from the present time. Now, only Harry mattered and he wished he could realise that. Maybe it was the lack of “I love you”, Louis’ fear to let the words slip out of his mouth. Maybe it was the reason why Harry was mad. Should he ask? Should he be honest, face his fears and ask Harry if he was the only problem in this complex situation? The bravery he needed to do that was missing though. In another hand, they couldn’t stay there, fully silent and wasting their time. Wasting some precious time they could easily use to figure things out, talk things out. He looked back down to his fingers, playing with the seams of the blanket. His hands were trembling a bit from the frightening pace his heart was beating at. 

“Harry, I am not going to stay here, silent and wasting the only time I can spend with you during the week! So talk, please. Just, yell at me, slap me, I don’t know, do something.”

Harry’s head snapped up when the word “slap” left the older boy’s lips. He frowned, his eyebrows almost meeting and wrinkles all over his forehead. He hated the fact Louis even dared to think he would ever be able to hurt him, in any way. Louis was so precious, so fragile, so tiny, the simple thought of ever hurting him accidentally ached his heart painfully. He would never. The hate and guilt would probably kill him slowly. 

“I am not gonna hurt you, never, I am not Tamara.” 

Louis sighed loudly. What was the problem with Tamara? Why was it so important and why was he being so dramatic about it? He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes tightly. He didn’t want to fight, not about anything and even less about Tamara. Was it only jealousy? Was Harry trying to make sure Louis would never go back to her? 

“She didn’t hurt me, Harry. You don’t know her, why do you hate her so much? Why are you so jealous?” he asked. 

The large frown deforming the younger boy’s face hadn’t left yet. He stood up softly, stretching his arms in front of him and walking toward the bed slowly. Louis grabbed his wrist gently and pulled him closer until the curly haired boy sat down on the edge of the bed. 

“I am not jealous. She hurt you. She did, and I know it Louis. You can’t deny it. Not with me. I may not be able to see with my eyes, but I have hands to feel you.” he started. 

He slowly felt around until he grabbed Louis’ shirt, climbing fully on the bed, suddenly closer to his boyfriend. They were now sitting one in front of the other, both cross-legged. Louis looked at him silently. He didn’t know if he should say anything of if Harry wanted to keep talking. Harry moved a bit closer, his knees knocking onto Louis’. He slid his hands under Louis’ shirt, the older boy shivered a bit at the sudden contact of Harry’s burning fingers against his cold waist. Harry’s teeth clenched as he wrapped his large hands around his waist. He swore there was nothing else than bones, almost like his skin was so thin it seemed nonexistent. It felt like he was touching Gerald the skeleton from his old biology classroom. Louis felt his heart speed into his chest, his boyfriend’s fingers was soft and warm. 

“I feel it, just there.” he started, brushing his thumbs over his prominent ribs. “I feel the pain she put you through, the flaws she created into your brain, the false image she drew of yourself into your mind.” his voice broke a bit, but he slid his hands onto Louis’ back, leaning on him gently. “And there, when I hold you.” he ran his fingers slowly up and down his bony spine. “I know this is the damages of her words. She built up a ton of hate, telling you things you were not, judging you and all your flesh evaporated.”

He stopped talking for a moment, stretching his legs and sliding them carefully over Louis’ bent ones. Each leg on each side of his hips. As the older boy witnessed Harry getting closer, he did the same, stretching his legs under his boyfriend’s. The curly haired boy pulled him closer, his left hand sprawled on the bottom of his back, fingers gripped onto his sweatpants and the right hand on the middle of his back, pushing him toward him. Louis lifted his hips a bit to come closer. Their chest were almost touching now and their breath mixing. Harry leant on carefully, ready to jump away if Louis showed any sign of discomfort. He refused to push him. At the lack of reaction, he simply put his lips against his cold neck. The salty tears were pushing behind his lids at the coldness of his skin. He would never get used to how cold and bony his whole body was. And he was certain Tamara was the cause of it. He was not stupid, he had felt Louis’ flesh melt horrendously under his hands day after day. 

“I know you feel the contrast of my skin onto yours. Your blood seemed like ice under my hands, and we both know you shouldn’t be that cold.” 

It was not a judgement, he wanted Louis to react, to realise he was sick. The 16 year old boy had kept his worried hidden in a box in the bottom of his mind, because he was scared to push him, to scare him. What if he ran away, too afraid? Away from Harry’s words, from his hands and touch. He wanted Louis to feel safe, to feel protected in his embrace. To feel alive under his fingers, to feel loved. But Louis didn’t move, his hands simply resting on Harry’s knees, lighter than feathers. Harry arched his back a bit more, pulling onto his spine to go a bit lower and brush his lips against Louis’ collarbones. The older boy shivered without a word. Among the sadness and fear pressing onto his chest, Harry smiled when he felt Louis’ head fall backward, displaying his neck to Harry’s lips. When his plump lips slowly kissed his collarbones, Harry heard a quiet moan, barely audible. But it was not the point of it all. He quickly focused back onto the purpose of why he was doing that.

“I feel your bones like there isn’t any flesh, like there isn’t any skin, just bones under my lips.” he said again. 

He was pretty surprised when he felt Louis lay slowly onto his back. He was almost scared, ready to shake his body, terrified Louis had passed out. He wouldn’t be surprised if it ever happened. But another light moan came from the older boy’s lips and he knew Louis was very conscious. His heart was fast and he quickly realised his boyfriend’s heart was beating as hard and almost faster than his. His arms were trapped between Louis’ back and the mattress. He refused to let his body focus on how Louis was lying down under him, while he was straddling his hips. It was not the moment to let his teenage hormones get wild. He freed his arms carefully and wrapped his large hands back onto his tiny waist, he slid down onto the older boy’s body. Louis realised he had closed his eyes when he had to open them back to stare down at the younger boy. His heart couldn’t find a way to slow down its pace. The beats were violent and nearly painful, it almost seemed like it was knocking over and over again against his rib cage. Harry’s hands were burning his skin, and he swore he could feel his fingers leaving embers after each touch. His breath stopped halfway through his throat as he observed Harry lifting his shirt up his chest and leaning on again, leaving gentle kisses in the deep hollow of his stomach. 

“I feel like each touch...” he whispered, his breath sending sparks all the way up Louis’ spine, “each kiss I give you, can break you”.  
“I am not made of sugar.” Louis murmured, his voice trembling. 

Harry didn’t really listen, he kept his touch gentle and his kisses softer than ever. He frowned a bit when Louis pulled a bit on his top, informing him he wanted Harry’s face next to his. So he did, he crawled over the tiny scrawny bony and held himself up onto his hands. If he laid onto him, it just seemed like he would fall apart. But Louis suddenly wrapped his arms around his back and pulled him closer. Harry hissed, terrified by the feeling of the prominent bones pressing against his chest.

“I want you closer. I want to feel you, you, not like you were a bunch of light feathers onto me. Do you know what I mean?” Louis said, before he lifted his head to kiss Harry’s jaw. “Just lay on me and hold me.”  
Harry hesitated before he bend his arms slowly and let his body rest onto the older boy’s one. The fear was still in his mind, but he didn’t want to refuse this to Louis. He gulped a bit when he felt Louis’ legs wrapped around his thighs, trapping him against his body. He liked it. Of course he did. He liked being pressed against the body of the boy he had fallen in love with. He liked feeling his skin and smelling his neck. He was just scared for his health. Louis pressed his heels against the back of Harry’s thighs, making the younger boy hiss quietly. He felt like their body could never be too close. Harry smelled so good and his body was so warm against his own freezing skin. Harry let his breath stroke his boyfriend’s neck gently before leaving a couple of kisses under his jaw. When he pressed his lips a bit better so he could feel Louis’ pulse against his lips, he swore the older boy’s fingers gripped harder onto his back. It was sweet, how receptive he was to everything Harry did to him. Louis slid his hands lower down Harry’s back, grabbing with strength onto the waist of Harry’s sweatpants and pulling him closer. The younger boy thought maybe it was getting a bit too far, but his body was begging him to stay there, not to move, it was begging him to press closer onto his boyfriend. When Louis moved his hips up a bit, a soft moan escaped his lips and they flinched when two knocks were heard against the wall. 

“Mum said no sex in the house!” they heard a feminine voice shout. 

Harry crawled away from Louis, his cheeks burning red. He brought his hands to his face slowly, hiding his embarrassment from Louis’ eyes. The older boy, as for him, was covering his lips with his hands, his palms pressed strongly against his mouth, almost like he wanted to take back the moan. But he couldn’t and the embarrassment was quickly filling his body, making his whole face pink and uncomfortably warm.

“This is so embarrassing.” Harry whispered, chuckling nervously. 

Louis looked at him, lying down by his side. He was adorable, hiding his face like it was the most embarrassing thing he had ever lived. The older boy took one of his hand and pulled it away from his face. Harry whined and rolled on his stomach, hiding his face into Louis’ arm like a shy child. The blue eyed boy smiled softly as he glanced down to his young boyfriend. He agreed, this was incredibly embarrassing. After only a couple of months of dating Harry, he had already been overheard moaning. This kind of thing never happened with Tamara. Strangely, he had never thought he was the loud kind, he was used to be very quiet and almost entirely silent with his ex-girlfriend. That was almost odd how a simply light grinding brought a moan to his lips while he had rarely ever did when making love to her. He was nearly scared of the powerful effect Harry had over him, over his body. He tried to get comfortable in his own boxers but he knew already he would have to take a cold shower, in attempt to calm himself down. He kissed Harry’s forehead softly, pressing his thin lips under his hair line. 

“I’ll be back, I… I need a quick shower.” 

The younger boy nodded timidly, understanding perfectly the meaning behind his words, and it seemed to set fire to his cheeks. Louis stood up slowly, thoughtlessly dropping his hands to hide his crotch although Harry couldn’t see. He rushed to the bathroom, gathering the light amount of strength left in his body. His articulations were painful, his knees seemed to need to be oiled so they would work more easily.  
Thirteen long minutes passed until Louis came back in the room. He stopped in the doorway as he spotted Harry lying down onto the bed. He was sprawled onto his stomach, his right leg bent and brought closer to his chest. He observed a bit, silent before he grabbed his phone from his desk quietly and took a shot of the beautiful view he could witness at the moment. That had become a bad habit, really, and he knew he should most likely stop. But he liked to go through the secret file in his phone when he missed Harry. He liked the picture of him laughing or sleeping. He looked down at his screen, staring at the picture he had just taken and smile shyly. He put his phone back onto his desk and walked toward the bed carefully. He slid one of his knee of the duvet and laid down slowly, wrapping his arm across his back and around his waist. Harry hummed in contentment and turned around, crawling closer to the older boy and curling onto himself against his chest. Louis smiled fondly as he looked down the bunch of messy curls under his chin. He loved him. He had fallen in love so hard for Harry. He couldn’t really put words on the warm feeling dancing in his empty stomach. Harry’s hand was caressing Louis’ back, his fingers brushing his spine. He felt the bones as if there was nothing separating his finger from them, no flesh, no skin. 

 

When Louis woke up the next morning, he reminded himself he hated most Sunday before he realised Harry was not lying next to him anymore. He slid his hand over the mattress and sighed disappointedly before rolling onto his stomach and spreading his legs and arms. He heard some of his bones crack loudly here and there. His body had become really painful and felt heavier to carry around lately. He knew he had lost weight, of course he did. He witnessed the number dropping on the scale every morning. Last morning, he was weighing about 104 pounds. Of course he was aware of the weight he had got rid of during the last months. He also knew he had exceeded his goal of 130 pound. He could still remember the very first time he put his feet onto a scale. Was it the day everything started to deteriorate? He was not sure. He simply recalled they had been re-watching the second season of American Horror Story with Tamara, and she had made another comment about how she had wished Louis’s body would be more like Evan Peter’s. It was not the first time she expressed her hopes of Louis to work out and drop some pounds. At first, he had tried not to focus too much on it, because he quite liked his body, he liked his supposedly feminine curvy hips and round bottom. And he hadn’t had much problem with his small tummy. But that one time, she had glanced at him with so much disappointment in her eyes, and he had almost spotted pity there too. Before he had taken his shower, while she was already heavily asleep in her bed, he had climbed on the scale her family were keeping under the vanity units and he had been horrified to read _149 pounds_. He should have remembered what her mother used to tell his sisters all the time, about weight not being important as long as they were happy and healthy. But he had only remembered Tamara praising Evan Peter’s body. He had refused to lose her, to let her go for his weight. So he had focused on dropping some pounds to please her and fit the image she had of a perfect boyfriend. Here he was now, lying in his bed, exhausted with barely any strength left in his body. He suddenly realised he had actually lost more than 40 pounds in a bit less than a year, although everything went much faster and his diet got more drastic the last six months. He sighed loudly as the memories of his old body filled his mind. He remembered how when he was 16, he used to love wearing the tightest jeans ever just to show how proud he was of his curves. His mother used to tell him they made him unique and he was beautiful with them. Back then, his mother’s words were the most trustworthy. He wouldn’t believe anyone else as long as his mother said he was beautiful. But then Tamara had appeared and her words were painful and slashing his flesh but they became trustworthy too. All he wanted now was for Harry’s words to become trustworthy as well, he wanted to believe in them, to believe him. A loud noise came from downstairs, interrupting his thoughts. He sat down on the edge of the bed, taking his time so his head wouldn’t spine when he would stand on his feet. He breathed in deeply, closing his eyes tightly and standing onto his feet. He grabbed an oversized hoodie from his wardrobe and put it on. He slowly picked his pair of sweatpants from the floor and slid them up his legs, tying the thin cords tightly so they wouldn’t fall down to his ankle when he walked. He left his room and walked downstairs. He stopped in the doorway, observing silently, his eyebrows furrowed. Harry and Louis’ mother were in the kitchen with three of his sisters and his little brother. Lottie was bent over the kitchen island, her head on her arms and her shoulders moving quickly. Félicité was holding onto her older sister and laughing loudly, tears streaming down her cheeks. As for Daisy, she was leaning onto her knees, gripping on her leggings and laughing almost as loud as Fizzy. Harry was barely visible, Louis could only see the top of his head since he was on the floor. He walked closer and stood behind his mother who was squatting on the floor. 

“Louis!” Ernest exclaimed with a large grin, running toward his older brother. 

Louis lifted him from the ground. 

“Hello cutie!” Louis said with a soft smile, poking his small nose.  
“Look, Harry broke the pancakes!” Ernest said with a shocked expression painting his young face.

Louis frowned and looked at the floor, Harry was sitting on the ground, hiding his face with his hands. Near his legs, a bunch of pancakes scattered all around the tilling, a pale orange liquid Louis recognised as the home made fruit juice, sharp pieces of the white plate and a broken glass. 

“Don’t move honey, you’re not wearing any shoes, you could cut your feet.” Johannah said in between laughters.  
“I am so, so, so sorry.” Harry mumbled behind his hands. 

Louis walked to the living room and sat his brother down on the sofa, telling him not to move. The toddler simply leant on the edge of the sofa and observe with a large smile over his lips as Louis went back to the kitchen. He slid his hand under Harry’s arms and helped him up and lead him behind the island where his sisters were still laughing hysterically. 

“Don’t move.” 

Harry nodded like a small child and Louis knelt on the ground to help his mother clean the floor. He took the bigger pieces of the broken plate and glass and threw them in the trash. Johannah glanced at him with a smile and quickly focused back on the mess. 

“I am really sorry…” Harry repeated.  
“Don’t be sorry Harry, it’s nothing.” Johannah said, her laughters had died and she was just smiling. 

Louis told his mother to step away as he started wiping the floor. He vacuumed the floor quickly, to be sure he hadn’t left any small glass pieces that could hurt anyone. Once the kitchen was cleaned and the poor pancakes thrown in the trash, Johannah had started making others and Louis turned to Harry. 

“What happened?” he asked.  
“I just dropped the plate and my drink...” he explained, ashamed, his cheeks pink.  
“But why?”  
“I may have said something that shocked him.” Lottie said.

Louis frowned as he laid his eyes onto his sister. Her face was red from the laughters and Félicité, who had managed to calm herself started laughing all over again, new tears appearing in her eyes. She leant onto her sister and held her stomach. Daisy had left the room already. He turned around and grabbed a glass from the shelf and poured some fruit juice.

“What did you say?” he asked as he turned around. 

Johannah chuckled quietly and took Louis’ glass away from his hands to put it down on the island. Her son turned to look at her, confused. 

“You can never be too careful.” she said with a smile, it was obvious she was trying to contain her laugh. 

Louis was so confused. Lottie cleared her throat slowly, probably getting ready to drop whatever caused Harry to be in such an embarrassment state. The curly haired boy let his fall onto his arms on the island, trying to hide. Louis was really curious now. 

“I just told him Fizzy and I heard you two yesterday doing it and we recorded your moan so we could have some pressure on you whenever we want something.” 

Louis was speechless. What the actual hell? Where did it come from and why would they even think about doing such a thing. He could have said lot of things, he could have told her she was weird or a bit crazy but the first thing to cross his lips was: 

“We weren’t _doing it_ Lottie!”  
“I know, you were obviously playing scrabble.” she exclaimed sarcastically.  
“We were… We were not… we… we were…” he stuttered.  
“Lou, that’s okay.” his mother cut him off, a hand onto his.  
“Mum, I swear we were not doing “it”. I promise.” he retorted loudly, his cheeks burning.

It was so strange. He was actually trying to convince his family he hadn’t have sex with Harry under this roof. He could understand why the younger boy was so embarrassed, Harry was so innocent and shy. Obviously he must have felt so embarrassed when Lottie brought that into the conversation. On another hand, he was actually talking openly about his new relationship. His relationship with a boy. He had never thought he would do it any time soon and here he was. Although if it wasn’t about Lottie saying strange things, he wouldn’t have probably said anything about it. 

“He’s right, we hadn’t done anything.” Harry spoke out into his arms.  
“But it would be fine if you did.” Johannah said. 

Lottie and Félicité were looking at each other, laughing together and Louis rolled his eyes. His cheeks were burning and that was not a conversation he wished he had with his mother in public. He used to say a lot of Johannah. Back when he had started dating Tamara, she was the first one he had told, before Zayn and Liam. She was the first one to know he had lost slept with Tamara. The most embarrassing or personal thing, she had always been the first one to know. But when he would happen to do something intimate with Harry, he was not sure he would feel comfortable enough telling her about it. It was probably only the fact Harry was a boy, really. 

“Oh gosh, mum, please.” he begged her to stop and she chuckled a bit. 

She patted his bony shoulder over his large hoodie and smiled at him. It was adorable how embarrassed he was. After Louis had told them he was dating Harry days ago, they hadn’t got the chance to talk about it. All she knew was that he was apparently in love with the younger boy. She wanted to have a more serious conversation though, it was important to talk a bit about it. Maybe there was a bit of curiosity tickling her. She wanted to know how it had happened, when he had found out he liked Harry _like that_. Random facts. They ate quietly after a moment. Louis would glance every and now to Harry, looking at him with his still pinkish cheeks as he chewed slowly. The older boy didn’t eat much, he had said he didn’t want pancakes – Harry had lifted his head at the remark – and simply poured another glass of fruit juice. He had also eaten a peach, just so his mother wouldn’t worry too much. Once Louis and his sisters cleaned the kitchen and once he had done the dishes, it was only him, Félicité, their mother and Harry. 

“Lou, you’re still going to the cottage with your friend for Halloween?” his mother suddenly asked. 

He had planned that night for months now. He had always loved this holiday, he used to pick costume on the internet or his mother would make him one, she was an amazing seamstress. She had made lot of daughters’ dresses indeed. Louis shrugged. 

“Only Liam and Harry… Zayn will probably not show up, Sophia neither.”  
“So you managed to fix the situation with Liam, but not Zayn?” she asked again. 

Louis looked down to his laps. All four were still sitting down around the table. His sister and mother were looking at him attentively while Harry was playing mindlessly with the zip of this sweatshirt. Louis wished Zayn wasn’t so proud, for once. He missed him. As much as he was angry at him, he was still missing him. Zayn had been the first one to hear about Harry, the first one to talk to Louis openly, giving him advice when he really needed some. He felt like he had betrayed him although he was still mad. He was terribly conflicted between sending a text to Zayn and simply ignore him until Zayn came to him himself. Of course the blue eyed boy had asked Liam how Zayn was going, if he had told Gigi yet, and how all of this was going. Liam kept silence. He was pretty much trap between his two best friend, Zayn had told him not to say anything to Louis, as for Louis, he kept asking about Zayn but would refuse to text him. Both boys wouldn’t admit how much they missed each other, how much they actually needed each other. In all honesty, it was really starting to get on Liam’s nerves. Liam had enough to deal with, Sophia had asked for space, to think about the whole situation and she had temporarily moved back to her parents’ house. He had felt quite alone and he had all the time in the world to think about how wrong he had acted. He really didn’t need his two best friends playing hide and seek around him.

“Liam came to the apartment last week. We talked it out… But Zayn is stubborn and refuses to tell Gigi. And I know I shouldn’t mind their business...” he said, throwing his hands up.”But I just… I simply can’t bring myself to talk to him like nothing happened. He did something wrong. Liam realised it, why can’t he admit it as well?”  
“What if he actually likes Liam? Like, really likes him. Like you and Harry.” Louis blushed at his sister’s words. “If he admits to you he did something wrong, it would mean he has to admit to himself he can’t be with Liam in that way. Maybe getting intimate with him was his chance to get closer to Liam, the way he truly wanted to be.”

Louis doubted Zayn liked Liam that way. He was pretty sure it was only about spending a good time. And that was precisely why Louis was so upset about the whole cheating situation. He would throw his fresh relationship in the trash to get some good time with his best friend. That was wrong and pretty disgusting in his mind. Sharing a simple, casual conversation with him sounded absolutely out of the question. 

“Why don’t you ask him?” Félicité added when she noticed her brother’s face.  
“Yes, call him or invite him over. Zayn and Liam are your best friends, Louis. I know I’ve seemed like I was not really supportive toward those friendships...” she turned toward Harry, leaning on him and wrapping her hand around his wrist. “They’re covered in tattoos, and I’ve been a bit judgemental toward them for this reason.” she explained to the younger boy before turning back toward her son. “But I know you love them a lot. I don’t want you to break the bond you have with Zayn.”

Louis thought about it. He could invite Zayn over to his flat so they could talk for a bit. The only time they managed to talk was in a fast food, with Gigi and Louis’ sisters at the same table. Obviously, Zayn would feel better to talk in a calm environment. He wanted and needed to fix it. Zayn had been such an important part of his life the last years, he couldn’t just give up on his friendship. He simply shrugged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you're all feeling good today! That you are safe wherever you are !  
> This is the 38th chapter and we're getting closer and closer to the end. This is such a strange feeling really.  
> I simply wanted to say there won't be any smut or any kind of detailed intimate scene. It won't ever be more than what is in this chapter. I wasn't sure if I had said it before.  
> I hope you won't mind too much. It is just simply something I had decided from the start, even before writing this story. I just don't like to include this kind of writing.  
> Thanks for reading everyone!! There are more than 50 kudos and it's so incredible to me!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!  
> Take care of you everyone ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New character today! :)

# TOO FAR

**_October 21st_ **

When Louis woke up on Wednesday, he stared at the ceiling for a little while, letting the memories from last night fly back up to his mind. He silently lifted the duvet covering his body and slowly walked to his kitchen, closing the bedroom door carefully behind him. When he arrived in the kitchen, it was still pretty dark so he switched the light on. A quick glance at the window proved that the weather was not getting any better. It was heavily raining and Louis sighed loudly at the thought of running through the campus under torrents of water falling from the sky. He made some tea for himself and left the box on the counter. He sat down at the small table in the middle of the kitchen, turning his laptop on to work a bit on the next optional assignment. He didn’t really have any good idea, but it was almost done so he didn’t really worry about it.   
After he took a quick shower, and put on the clothes he had chosen the previous night, he went back to his room to grab his bag and Adidas windbreaker. One of his book fell flat on the ground and he stopped moving, taking a look at the bed. The covers moved a bit and he heard a whine before Zayn’s tired face appeared. Louis cursed himself under his breath and walked up to his best friend. During their conversation the night before, Zayn had ended up crying and Louis had preferred to keep him at his place rather than sending him home in that state. He sat down on the edge of the bed. Zayn’s eyes was blood shot, his dark hair was a mess, strands falling all over his face. 

“How are you feeling?” Louis asked slowly with a lower voice. 

He didn’t want to push him. Not after what he had learnt, not after he had found out the truth about this whole messed up situation, that was actually even more messed up than he had thought it was. He placed one of his small hand on the younger boy’s knee, over the duvet. Zayn shrugged and ran his hand through his hair.

“There’s nothing much in the fridge but I am going to stop at the shop after my second period, what would you want me to bring you?” 

Zayn shook his head and forced a smile onto his lips. 

“I’ll do with what you have now, it’s alright.”   
“There’s only water and beers in the fridge, Zayn.” 

The dark brown haired boy frowned and opened his eyes, but when he spotted the embarrassed look painted over Louis’ face, he changed his mind. He discreetly look down to his friend’s body. It was not even visible under the layers of clothes. Louis looks incredibly small. He had tried not to notice the prominent bones popping under his skin, many times. It was wrong, he knew it. He just didn’t know how to face the frightening truth. Was he supposed the ask Louis questions about it? He didn’t want to throw this at his face, to force him to face the reality. It would just make things much harder for the older boy. 

“Just some cereals, you know which one I like.” Zayn said. 

Louis nodded and smiled before he stood up again. He was not sure if he was even close to be ready to sit in a classroom full of people, smell the mix of everyone’s perfume burning his nostrils and hammering his head. Definitely not, but he still had a bit of strength left to do it. He knew once he would enter the building, his heart would speed up into his chest, his eyes would burn and his hands would tremble in his pockets. That was how it was. He could not have any control on anything anymore, he would just have to endure silently. Endure the pain in his articulations. Endure the anxiety running through his organism and throwing his stomach upside down, crashing his lungs and blocking his trachea. Endure the cold but the nervous sweat drops rolling down his back. 

“I’ll be back in a couple of hours, make yourself at home, okay?” Louis said, standing in the bedroom doorway. 

Zayn nodded and laid back down onto the mattress after he waved at his best friend. Louis was quickly parked on the parking lot of the campus. He took a moment to look outside, knowing he would have to run. His chest was really painful today and he breathed in deeply and opened the door. He couldn’t run, there was no way his body would ever be able to create enough energy to make him run more then a couple of meters. So he walked, trying to move his legs quickly so he wouldn’t be stared at like he was a freak. But his legs didn’t agree. He couldn’t bring his body down so much, deprive it from food and energy and still hope for it to work perfectly. It was not how it worked. His body was on the verge of falling apart entirely, joining his happiness under the ground. He kept on pushing it, again and again, but it wouldn’t work, not after so much pain. His ribs were still painful and his wrist was throbbing, he hadn’t really taken care of anything lately. So it shouldn’t be a surprise. It shouldn’t have been a surprised when his legs stopped working and he collapsed on the ground. His palms fell flat on the soaked rough tarmac and he hissed painfully when his bony knees hit the hard floor. He cursed under his breath and tried to convince himself he had simply tripped over a rock. But there was no rock, and the asphalt covered with water wasn’t slippery. But Louis wouldn’t admit it. He wouldn’t admit it, even if he had to stay crouching under the pouring rain for five minutes because his legs wouldn’t listen to his orders. His body was about to give up on him. It was tired, exhausted by Louis’ endless torture. When a hand was felt on his shoulder, he looked up, his cheeks burning under his tears and bright pink from the shame building under his pale skin. He could barely see anything through the thick rain curtain. The person squatted in front of him. 

“Hey, do you need me to bring you to the nurse?” a feminine voice said over the loud sound of the drops hitting the floor. 

She was pretty, she had mid-long light blond hair. It was sticking to her face now though. Louis couldn’t answer, he couldn’t nod or shake his head. He couldn’t move, the heavy anchor fixed to his chest was dragging him toward the ground. She nodded and she stepped on the side. She slide her arm under his arm and across his back, holding his arm over her own shoulders. 

“Okay, one, two, three, let’s go.” she exclaimed, standing up and bringing him back onto his feet. 

He was shivering and she locked her fingers to his to make sure she had a strong grip on him, in case he would collapse again. He was leaning forward, looking barely conscious. She tightened her hand around his thin waist, praying to manage to take him to the building before he brought the both of them on the ground. It was long and she almost believed they wouldn’t make it. It was upsetting how many people she had walked past, how many stared at her but none asked if she needed help. She sat him down on one of the bench against a wall. She ran a hand though her hair and shook them, trying to get rid of the cold water. After a second, she simply tied them into a messy bun on the top of her hair. The young girl sat next to him. She obviously couldn’t leave him here and run to her class like he was fine. He was not. That actually took about ten long minutes until he managed to look at her. She was really pretty. She had big brown eyes. Her plump lips were shining red and her teeth bright white. She smiled timidly at him, hiding into her large Adidas jacket. He ran one of his trembling hand through his soaked hair and sighed loudly. 

“Uhm.. thanks.” he started, unsure.   
“How are you feeling? Do you want me to come with you to the nurse office?” 

He shook his head and got rid of his windbreaker, slowly sliding it over his head to take it off. He was trembling terribly and his arms felt heavier than ever. When he leant back against the wall, the young girl handed him four squares of chocolate. He looked down to her fingers for a moment before dragging his blue eyes back up to her face, confused. 

“You probably need some sugar, that’s all I have on me, you can have the whole bar if you want.”

He swallowed painfully. He stared at her hand again, longer this time. She chuckled nervously before grabbing his hand gently and putting the pieces of chocolate on his palm. When he let his hand linger into his lap, his eyes locked to the chocolate, she stroked his arm over his hoodie, trying to reassure him. 

“One bite at a time, you need it at the moment. I am not going to leave you like this.”

Louis frowned as he looked up to her, she had a comforting smile stretching her glossy lips. He didn’t even know her. Why would she sit here with him when she didn’t even know anything about him. She took the piece again and bit a small piece of it. She chewed a bit and smile, showing off stains of melted chocolate all over her white teeth. He giggled softly and hide his mouth embarrassed. She handed him back the piece and smiled warmly. 

“I did it, you can do it.” 

Louis breathed in deeply and brought the piece slowly to his lips. He wanted to cry, his eyes were burning and he knew they were probably really red at the moment. That was needed and he knew it too well. He could never go to class or drive back if he didn’t eat this. Obviously it wouldn’t help with the lack of energy. But it could maybe help with the dizzy feeling spinning his head or his shaky hands. He bit and chewed. It was sweet. Really, crazily sweet and he had almost forgotten the taste of chocolate. He couldn’t really remember having tasted any chocolate apart from hot milk with cocoa powder. He couldn’t have the time to enjoy it because guilt had already invaded his brain. And that’s with heavy hot tears covering his pretty face he let the last piece slide down his throat. She clapped her hands and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, bringing him to her to hold him for a moment. 

“You did a great job. That’s only 134 calories, it only takes about an hour of great love making with your partner to burn that. So go back to your lover and have fun!” 

He raised an eyebrow and giggled through his tears. 

“I won’t ask how you know that, but thanks for the tip!” he said, blushing.   
“I am Bleta, but everyone calls me Bebe! And you are...?” she stretched her hand in front of her.   
“Louis.” he replied, shaking her hand. “And everyone call me… well, Louis.” he shrugged. 

She sent him a genuine smile and he forced a sad one on his lips. She seemed really kind. Louis had to go back to his apartment. Going to class while feeling so sick was out of the question. He just wondered how Zayn would react. He was more worried about Zayn than himself, really. He had listened to his story for most of the night. How Zayn was, indeed, in love with Liam, no matter if Liam was in love with Sophia. Félicité had been right. Zayn had told him how he had used Gigi, who loved him, as a cover and a way to try and make Liam jealous. When the boy had told Gigi, she had cried, obviously. But she had simply left, without making any scene, or without yelling at him or insulting him. She had just left, in tears. And now Zayn felt guiltier than ever, he had broken her heart, and for what? Liam hadn’t showed any jealousy, he even told Zayn he would rather not to talk to him than lose Sophia. So now, it was only Louis. 

“I need to go to the shop, do you want to join me?” 

Her perfectly sculpted eyebrows raised and she seemed to think a bit about it. But it only took a handful of seconds because she nodded enthusiastically. 

“Really?” he asked, surprised.  
“You’re giving me a chance to skip Mr. Jonah’s class, did you expect me to miss this opportunity?”

Louis had no idea who was that teacher but he smiled and stood up slowly. His head was not spinning anymore. His legs were still trembling a bit, they still felt weaker than two twigs but it seemed to work. They crossed the campus without falling in the rain and Louis unlocked his car and they both climbed into the Ford Ranger. 

“Damn, it’s a nice car!” she said, chuckling as she brushed her hand on the dashboard.

At the shop, Louis bought the box of cereals he knew Zayn liked to eat. Bebe just followed him around, picking some fruits and vegetables. She had made it clear she would cook something nice and very healthy for his lunch. He also bought some random cookies or yoghurt he had seen his best friend eating. He paid for two bottle of juice as well. And that was soon enough Bebe and him was walking through the corridor after leaving the large elevator. Louis unlocked the door and came inside. They let the bags fall onto the table in the middle of the kitchen before he called out: 

“Zayn, I’m home. I’ve bought you things for breakfast.”

He heard some noise from the next room, the bedroom and soon enough a deep voice answering, surprised: 

“Already? Didn’t you have to come back at 9 or…?” the boy stopped, an eyebrow raised. 

His cheeks quickly took a light tint of pink when he looked down at himself and he was only wearing a pair of Louis’ boxers, because he had needed a fresh pair after taking a shower. His hair was still wet and water was dripping on his chest and back, rolling silently across his tanned chest. 

“Oh, you’re not alone…” he stated awkwardly. 

Bebe extended her hand toward him with a smile plastered on her lips. 

“Hello! I’m Bebe, you must be the boyfriend he’s going to burn the calories with?” she said, winking not so discreetly. 

Louis’s eyes widen as Zayn frowned deeply. He shook her hand, a bit confused. 

“No, no! He’s not my boyfriend! This is my best friend, Zayn.” he almost shouted. 

It was embarrassing for a while until Zayn sat down at the table and focused on eating his breakfast. Louis simply observed, he was now perched on the counter and looking at Zayn. He liked seeing people he loved eating, it could sound very weird. But he was simply glad they were not torn apart between guilt and being healthy as he was. He just liked to witness how food seemed to make them smile. He had stopped eating a while ago. Between his long painful fast and his occasional binging purging session that left his throat sore and his brain hopeless, he was lost. It felt like he could never get away from it. No way-out was visible.

“So, who’s your boyfriend?” Bebe asked, standing beside him. 

Louis flinched a bit and looked at her with raised eyebrows. He observed her for a moment, analysing the big grin stretching her plump glossy lips or the little excitement sparkles in her brown eyes.

“Why do you assume I have a boyfriend?” he asked, surprised. 

They heard Zayn snort loudly and the dark haired boy turned around to smile at his friend, his mouth full of cereal. Louis rolled his eyes, he was reconsidering letting the boy sleep any longer at his apartment. 

“I may have noticed the picture of the cute shirtless boy on your lock screen, earlier.” the blond haired young woman admitted, looking at the ceiling innocently. 

The older boy’s cheek burnt suddenly, covered with a light pink colour as he looked down to his laps. He stared at his flat thighs laying on the counter, noticed the – imaginary – fat spreading around his bones. He looked up discreetly to the young girl’s legs, she had thicker thighs than him. Her waist was slimmed with a thin black belt tightened around her waist. She was beautiful and Louis wished he looked more like her. Which was weird, considering he was running after the skinnier version of himself and the young girl was bigger than him. He wondered how he would feel if he had such a nice body. 

“So what’s his name?” Bebe asked, sounding over excited.   
“Harry! Harry Styles.” Zayn answered before his best friend could even think about opening his mouth.  
“That’s a cute name!” Bebe said as Zayn nodded with a smile. 

 

Zayn and Louis arrived back in town on Saturday. Zayn had been talking to Bebe non stop, and strangely, he had even told her about Liam. She had started drowning him with advices, stupid advices if you asked Louis. Such as, teasing Liam on the Halloween party. Obviously, the brown eyed boy had invited the young girl on the day he had met her, not even caring about asking Louis before. Of course he didn’t mind, she was kind and funny, she was more than welcome to their cottage near Ecclesall Woods. Harry had invited Niall who had invited his friend Ed with him. Liam would come, obviously, as well as Zayn. Bebe had said she wouldn’t mind being the only girl. It would just be nice and cosy. There was a lot of things to plan again, such as the rooms attribution. He was lucky enough there were 7 bedrooms, they were pretty small but really lovely. There would only be allowed to sleep in 6 though, Johannah had always refused anyone would sleep in the parental bedroom during parties, she didn’t trust anyone in her bed. So that’s what Louis was working on at the moment. He had the whole week to plan everything since it was autumn break and he would only have to go back to college on Wednesday the 4th. He was laying on his bed, scribbling random things onto one page of the notebook. “Don’t forget to send the address to Bebe” “Zayn, Bebe and Liam take care of the alcohol” “Harry and I take care of the cookies and non alcoholic drinks.” “Niall and Ed bring whatever they want” “go take Niall with Harry at 6 and drive back to Ecclesall Woods” and it went on and on. Whatever was crossing his mind would be written on the paper, to be 100% sure not to forget anything. He turned on his back and put the notebook and pen on his stomach and looked down to Harry. 

“You know, I still don’t understand why you wanted to do that so bad.” he said, a shy smile plastered on his thin lips.   
“I heard that getting our feet colder manage to decrease the temperature of the body faster, so maybe it worked the same way to get the body warmer?”

Louis smiled and looked at Harry’s hands wrapped around his feet, massaging them over the fluffy socks he had been forced to put on. He wondered why the young boy cared so much about him. He was pretty sure he didn’t deserve any of all this caring and kindness. But Harry was just a genuine kind human being who cared and wanted to protect everyone he crossed the path with. He looked back to his torso, he was wearing one of Harry’s knitted pullover. It was a pale mint colour and way too large on his body but it was warmer than any on his own piece of clothing. 

“You already forced me to put this on.”   
“I know you like it, don’t deny it.”

Louis’ cheeks reddened a bit and he looked up to the ceiling. He had asked numerous times what Harry would dress as for Halloween, but the boy would always claim he wanted it to be a surprise. So Louis was trying hard to find it, his mind was running faster than ever. But he couldn’t find it. He had no idea what it could be and he couldn’t wait for the next Saturday to come as fast as possible so he could finally find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! How are you today?   
> Hey, so as you noticed, I introduced a very special character in this chapter. It's pretty late indeed, since it's the 39th chapter and there are only two left (and the Epilogue). But I still hope you liked it!   
> It's weird. I still hadn't finished writting the Epilogue, I know exactly what to put in it, but I guess I am just scared to end it all. Writing this story took me a lot of energy and time. I made research about sightless people's lives (thanks "The Tommy Edison Experience" on youtube, I spent hours watching his videos to get some knowledge about the subject, go and watch his videos, he's such a funny and nice man!), although I am very sorry if the story didn't manage to show it properly, I tried my best, read articles, studied Braille and watched videos! I put a lot of my life in this and it such a great adventure and it was almost a therapy!   
> Sorry for this little ramble, I love you all and thank you very much for reading my work!   
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	40. Chapter 40

# HALLOWEEN

_**October 31st** _

Halloween. Louis had always loved this holiday, it was one of his favourite, if not his ultimate favourite. If he had to choose between Halloween and Christmas, Halloween would win way too easily. He would rather slid himself in some costume and become someone else for a night rather than opening presents. Obviously, he couldn’t deny he liked getting presents and buying some to the people he loved. In all honesty, running from store to store or going through internet websites to try and find the perfect jacket for Phoebe or the perfect pair of heels for Félicité was so much more fun than unwrapping boxes for himself. That was the side of Christmas he enjoyed the most, making others happy. He couldn’t help himself but smile when his little sisters would hug him tightly, or when his mother would open wide eyes on the Pandora necklace he knew she had wanted for months. It was magic. Felt magical. But Christmas was lot of stress, and that was why he preferred Halloween. This was only full of fun, not an ounce of stress.  
Right, maybe this one was a bit stressful compared to the previous ones. Firstly because there was Harry, and there was always a little bit of stress with the boy he liked around him. Secondly, because Zayn was coming, and maybe Louis hadn’t managed to tell him Liam would come with Sophia. And finally, because he had a lot to think about, from the way he looked to the way the cottage looked and smelled. He had spent the last week between Ecclesall Woods and his house, trying to spend with Harry or support Zayn as much as could, as well as getting the cabin ready for the party. He had spent his nights there with Lottie and Félicité, all three had spent hours decorating the wooden house. Louis had the terrible idea to decorate each bedroom with a different iconic horror movie theme. It had sounded incredibly exciting in Louis’ mind some days ago, but as soon as they had started working on it, it had seemed to be the worst idea to the two girls. Because, let’s get that straight, that was a whole lot of hard work. The first room, Louis’, was Nightmare on Elm Street, Lottie’s room had been decorated from IT. He had also chosen The Exorcist, Scream, The Ring and Psycho. Downstairs, for the living room and the kitchen, they had simply hanged some fake spider webs and had put creepy broken dolls here and there, let’s not forget the pumpkins they had craved themselves, and in which one Lottie had broken a nail of two. But Louis believed it was all worth it. He was exhausted, he didn’t even know how he had managed to do all of this without passing out, with how painful and out of strength his body was. But he was so excited for his guests to see this. He had rested the last day, to make sure he would still be able to enjoy his night. Lottie and Félicité had already left to their own parties. Phoebe and Daisy were dressed as evil twin sisters, and well that was perfectly terrifying how they would just stand there motionless staring at Louis in the middle of the hallway, somewhat recreating the iconic scene from The Shining. He heard his mother yell at the girls for scaring her from the hallway. He smiled at himself in the mirror when he heard two knocks on the door. The door opened on his mother, she simply slid her head and asked if she could come in. Once she did, she walked closer to him and smiled at him. He hadn’t dressed as a scary character, although his sister had offered to turn him into Twisty The Clown from American Horror Story. No, he had liked to dress as character he liked, this time, he went pretty simply: Danny Zuko. Mostly because it was easy to do and he had been so caught up into decorating the cottage he had pretty much forgotten to find a real costume. He was wearing a white t-shirt, a pair of black jeans – held tightly against his hips with a black belt –, white socks and a random pair of black converse. He put on the fake leather jacket with T Birds written on the back, he had found on Amazon and turned toward Johannah. 

“You look good, honey!”  
“Thanks, mum.” he said, a soft smile stretching his lips. 

She slid her hand on the iconic Danny quiff Lottie had made of his hair and smiled at him. 

“I want you to have fun tonight, okay? Have a great time with your friends and cute boyfriend!” 

Louis looked down as he blushed. He wanted to have all the fun in the world. He could still feel the fear in the bottom of his stomach. The fear of messing everything up with a bad mood. He tried not to think about it, but it was a bit hard for him to consider the fact of having a genuine great night. He knew he would be terribly worried about Zayn and how the boy would feel around Liam and Sophia. He would be worried about Bebe not having fun, or Niall and Ed getting bored. He had packed lot of horror movies DVD in his backpack. Once he said goodbye to his siblings, mum and step-father, he went to the front door. He was excited to finally find out what Harry was dressed as, after all the suspense. He was glad he didn’t have to drive back to Niall’s house to pick him and Ed up, Niall’s mum had driven them there earlier that day, so they could get ready together. Louis waved at his mother before walking to his car and unlocking it. He threw his backpack on the back-seat and sighted loudly when it opened and all the DVDs fell on the floor with his phone. 

“Oh, come on…” he said to himself before putting a knee on the back-seat and leaning on to pick all the DVDs. 

He picked them up slowly, his head spinning a bit and he had to stop for a minute, sitting back up with his head higher. He quickly focused back on the things he had dropped and felt around to find his phone. He cursed himself and laid flat on the seat to slide his hands further. He smiled when he found it and threw in the backpack. He noticed the zip was simply broken and couldn’t be repaired, so he just left it in the middle.

“Louis?” he heard Harry’s deep voice say softly behind him. 

Louis couldn’t even explain how excited he was to see his boyfriend, how he was dressed. He had tried to find, had asked to Anne and Gemma, even texted Niall. No one wanted to tell him. He wondered why everyone wanted to keep it a surprise. He was pretty sure Harry simply wanted to scare him, and he had asked everyone to hold their tongue so Louis could somewhat pee himself. So he was prepared to be scared, he had tried to imagine him as an evil clown, or dressed as Freddy Krueger or wearing Jason Voorhees’ mask. He knew he was ready. So he stood out of the car and turned around to face Harry. The sun was already pretty down but the lights in the streets were already on and he stopped breathing for a moment. Air couldn’t find its way to his throat. He couldn’t even move. He wanted to cry, right there, in front of Harry, of Niall and Ed who were looking at him fondly from some feet away. He was not scared. He was surprised, shocked, he couldn’t even find a word that could describe exactly the way he felt. Unreal. Crazy. He looked at his boyfriend up and down without a word. From his slicked hair to his shiny black shoes. Harry had no curls left, they were all slicked and gelled. He was wearing a black Ascot Tie over a white button up shirt whose only the collar was visible. A light grey double breasted vest were stuck to his chest under a long black coats and some high waisted black pants. Rhett Butler. Harry had dressed as Louis’ favourite novel’s character. Beautifully unreal. 

“Louis?” Harry asked again after the long silence. 

That’s only at that moment Louis noticed Harry was not wearing any glassed today. He walked slowly toward him, hesitant. He was still having a hard time trying to bring oxygen to his lungs. His heart was beating so fast behind his ribcage, he swore the three boys could hear it kick against his bones. He took a last long look at his boyfriend before he crashed his chest against him. Maybe it was nothing to someone else. Maybe it would have made someone glad, but not heavenly happy. But Louis, him, was crying silently as he wrapped his thin arms around Harry’s chest, crossing his forearms in the boy’s back and holding him tighter. That was happiness he could feel in the bottom of his stomach. This heavy anchor hanging on his heart, that didn’t feel anything but strangely pleasant. Harry had done that, for him. Louis had read the book to him, entirely, through phone calls or sleepovers. He had taken Harry with him through Scarlett’s and Rhett’s hardships. That was one of their thing, something only them could ever understand. A bond that no one could break or take away from them. And Harry knew as much as Louis did. Maybe it would sound stupid to anyone but them, maybe Louis looked ridiculous holding his boyfriend so tightly. But neither of them could care. Louis felt happier than he had ever felt, and didn’t even wanted to think about whatever could come and throw his happiness to the ground. Harry knew he had made his sad and ill boyfriend happier, he knew by the way he felt the smaller boy’s heart beat so fast and hard. And it was worth all the money he had spent on each piece of clothing, it was worth annoying Gemma and Anne for weeks just to make sure everything would look real and not cheap, just like the real Rhett Butler. It was worth the fight with his sister when she was tired of the silly things he was forcing her to check when he needed her to be his eyes, literally. Niall cleared his throat, trying to hide the emotion that brought tears to his blue eyes. Louis pulled away from Harry with a smile, he wiped his wet cheeks with his fingers and wiped them onto his pants before taking his boyfriend’s hand gently. They needed to leave, they were a bit late and he didn’t want any of the guest to arrive earlier, being locked outside.  
So they drove slowly. The cottage house was not too far from town really, an hour or so away. They had time to talk, chatting about the most random things. It went from the last episode of American Horror Story to the weather. They were half way there when Louis slid his hand on Harry’s knee, discreetly brushing it with his finger. He couldn’t realise it yet, it was slowly going up to his brain, slowly. He definitely had the best boyfriend ever. He had been given this chance. Almost five months ago, he had crossed that adorable sightless curly haired boy’s path. He hadn’t thought it would change his life, change the way his heart would beat harder in his chest. That had changed so much. He took a quick look at the boy, if he was honest, he bet Harry could never look any better. He looked almost royal. After a while, Ed and Niall started singing along to the radio, he had decided he wouldn’t put on his playlist because he didn’t know what music the two boys liked. The older boy really hoped the decoration of the cabin would please everyone. His sisters and him hadn’t spent days working on it for nothing. So when he turned off the car, he breathed in deeply. That was much more stressful than he thought it would be. So they opened their doors and left the car. Louis went to join Harry and let the boy grab his elbow gently, so they could all walk toward the cabin. 

“Wow! It looks as big as your house!” Niall exclaimed. 

Louis blushed and looked to the blond boy with a smile. They knew Louis’ family was pretty wealthy, but not that wealthy. It had come pretty clear from the huge house he was living in, and Niall was pretty sure the inside would prove it even more. The cottage looked bigger than he thought it would. He had just expected it to be a cosy small cabin, not some sort of wooden modern mansion on the edge of Ecclesall Woods. Louis helped Harry up the couple of steps, carefully and unlocked the door. He was glad no one had arrived yet, he wouldn’t have wanted them to wait outside. He switched the light on quickly and came inside the house. The front door opened on a small hallway, on the right a large door to the closet. He lead the three boys to the living room and discreetly looked at Niall’s and Ed’s faces, as they discovered how Louis and his sisters had turned the house into a slightly creepy place. They seemed to like it. That’s when Louis finally noticed their costumes. That wasn’t anything big, some ripped shirt with red liquid on their faces and clothes. Harry’s fingers slid down from Louis’ elbow to his hand, and they intertwined their fingers together. 

They had already placed many cookies and soda bottles on the table in the kitchen when Zayn and Bebe arrived together ten minutes later. Bebe was wearing a dirty and bloody doll pale pink dress, with ripped white tights and high heels. It fitted her perfectly. Her blond hair was braided like a little girl with red silky bows at the bottom. Zayn, as for him, had dressed as Victor from Corpse Bride, his black hair pulled back, pasty complexion and greyish dark circles around his eyes. They both looked nice. Louis made everyone chose their room, no matter if Liam and Sophia hadn’t arrived yet. After everyone was back in the living room, Louis left Harry to Niall and Ed’s company to join Zayn. Bebe was in the bathroom. 

“Hey!” Louis started, unsure. 

He really had to tell him Liam wouldn’t be alone, he couldn’t let him find out by himself when the couple would arrive. He simply wasn’t sure how to do so. It was very stressful. He didn’t want to hurt his best friend, although he knew seeing Liam with Sophia would probably hurt him, and he wouldn’t be able to do anything against that. 

“So I had to tell you something...” 

Zayn nodded, smiling as he chewed on a piece of cake Bebe had brought. 

“Sophia is coming too, tonight… He told me a couple of days ago but I didn’t know how to tell you, I am sorry I’m doing it so late.” 

Zayn pinched his lips and looked down to the ground. He knew too well it would be a hard night for him. He knew Bebe and himself had made plans, and honestly, Louis didn’t want to get implied into any of them. The young girl was really eccentric, on the good side really, she was hilarious. But Louis would lie if he said he trusted any of the plans she had made with Zayn. The black haired boy shrugged before he looked back, his lashes looking longer than ever. 

“That’s okay, I should have been prepared.” he simply said.  
“You know I am here, right? Like, you can stay with me, my hugs are pretty great I have to admit!”  
“You need to enjoy your time with Harry! I won’t be the annoying third wheel, don’t worry.” Zayn said with a soft smile plastered on his sad face. 

He couldn’t hide the sadness painted all over his overly pale face. Louis wrapped his arms around his best friend slowly and held him closer. Obviously he would spend his night with his boyfriend, but it didn’t mean he wouldn’t be there for his friend. He wanted Zayn to understand that, no matter if he had a boyfriend by his side, he would still be a best friend and do his best to be a good one. That was what Louis had always wanted to be, a good boyfriend, a good friend, a good son and brother. A genuine good person. Zayn pulled away and looked at Harry. 

“I wish I could have seen your face when you saw him like that!” the boy said as he analysed Harry’s incredibly realistic costume of Rhett Butler. 

Louis blushed and looked down, a bit embarrassed at the heavy but quite pleasant feeling of happiness in the bottom of his stomach. Harry was good for Louis, Zayn knew it. He knew it by the way Louis would look at him, with so much fond in his ocean blue eyes, so much love it should be forbidden. There were the small but important details, if they were caught, they would just betray Louis’ love away. From the way Louis would discreetly kick his knee against Harry’s, to the way he would just look at one single strand of curl before twirling it around his finger gently. Louis looked up and observed Harry for a moment. Zayn noticed how peaceful his face looked compared to the last months. His thin lips were stretched slightly and his blue eyes were shining. 

“You’re so in love with him.” Zayn said, with a smile.  
“I truly am. I fell so damn deep for him.” Louis admitted timidly after a soft sigh.  
“Have you told him?” he asked, out of curiosity. 

The older boy shook his head, his eyes wide. Well maybe he had told him, that one night, but Harry was asleep so it didn’t count. He wanted to. He really did, even more after the surprise Harry had done for him. That was love, so much love that was filling his stomach and heart.

“What are you waiting for, then?”  
“The perfect moment, I guess.”  
“But, he knows, right? Is he aware of your feelings for him?” he questioned again. 

Louis looked at Zayn for a moment. He knew. There was no way he wasn’t aware of the feelings Louis had for him. He was certain he had managed to show him, although he hadn’t been able to tell him – apart from when Harry was unconscious – with clear words, he was sure he had done enough things, or said enough things to prove it to him. He was certain what he had done had proved his love, even more than the three words could have ever done. But he would be lying if he said it was enough for Harry. It probably was not, really. “ _I love you_ ” would made everything more real. 

“I think he does, yes.”

Zayn nodded, sliding his hand in his friend’s back and stroking it softly over the hard black jacket. He froze when they heard the front door opened. Liam had come to the cottage several times, so he didn’t have to knock to come in. Less than a minute later, the couple appeared in the living room. They stood in the doorway for a moment, smiling, holding hands. He was wearing a grey suits with a camel coloured tie and a grey hat. Louis was confused about what his friend was supposed to be dressed as before he looked at Sophia. Of course they matched. With her pencil knee long brown skirt, her short sleeves knitted light orange top, the silky scarf around her neck and the cream beret over her blond long bob wig, she made a perfect Bonnie Parker. By default, Liam was Clyde Barrow. The four of them didn’t move, they were just looking at each other, the tension was heavy over their heads. On the sofa, the other four were talking happily, unaware of what was happening some feet away from them. Louis discreetly slid his hand in Zayn’s back, patting it gently in an attempt to give him some courage. Liam and Sophia walked closer to them and the black haired boy plastered a smile on his face. Louis wished he didn’t have to see Zayn like that. It must be hard for him to see the boy he liked with his girlfriend. He was glad he hadn’t have to go through that with Harry. Fortunately, the boy had broken up with Carrie before their meeting and it was for the best. Zayn didn’t have that luck. 

It was tense for a long moment until they all sit down on the carpet in front of the chimney. Everyone was pretty much minding their own business. They were not playing any game, simply talking with each others, sipping their drink and eating the appetisers and cookies and random things everyone had cooked or bought. Louis was leaning against the sofa, Harry leaning against his chest, in between his legs. Bebe was getting on very well with Harry and they had been chatting for a while now. Every now and then, Louis would catch Zayn looking over to Liam with a frown. It was sad to witness. Of course, Liam and Sophia were all cosy, cuddling and kissing. What was the saddest part? Louis was almost certain his friend knew Zayn loved him, loved him more then a friend. But he didn’t do anything to prevent Zayn from feeling any pain. Sometimes, he would feel like getting up and slapping his friend, just to make him understand what he was doing was quite wrong really. Over than that, it went on pretty well. Louis had refused the food that was offered to him. At some point, around 1 am, he went to hide in the kitchen to eat a peach, because his head was spinning too fast, too painfully. But that was all he ate. They played random games from their childhood, monopoly or trivial pursuit. They watched horror movies, from Psycho to The Conjuring. It was 4 am when everyone ended up in their own room. Louis had lead Harry to their room before going back downstairs to tidy the last little things laying on the ground. He put everything back in the kitchen, he was glad to see they had almost eaten everything and they had drank more soda than alcohol. They had drank mostly wine and coke really. He put the bottles back in the fridge and swept the floor quickly. He turned off the chimney and all the lights and went back upstairs. Harry had taken a quick shower to get ride of the gel in his hair and was now lying down in bed. He laid down next to Harry, who was already into his boxers and hidden under the thick covers. 

“How did you feel without your glasses tonight?” he asked.

Louis turned on his left to face his boyfriend. He was adorable. He had been adorable all night. From the way his hair had started to curl through the gel around midnight, to the way he had been playing with his Ascot Tie almost childishly. Louis still wondered how it was possible. He slid his fingers onto Harry’s arms, sliding them up and down, from his shoulder to elbow. His skin was warm under his fingertips, creating a contrast between the fire of the younger boy’s skin and the ice of Louis’ hand. 

“It was a bit stressful, but I didn’t want it to break my look, so I made the sacrifice.”

Louis could feel the pressure getting stronger around his heart. It was a mix between pleasant and uncomfortable. He loved him. Everyday, every second of each minute, Harry would prove to him he was right to love him. It was almost annoying how incredible Harry was all the time. He had set the bar so high, Louis didn’t expect anyone to ever reach it. He knew he was not any close to be as good as him, no matter how many time Harry would tell him the opposite. He wouldn’t believe him. 

“How can you be like that? So kind, caring, beautiful and hot and smart, all at once? How is that even possible in this world? How was I lucky enough to meet you? I am the one who is allowed to kiss you, and hold you, touch you… I am so damn lucky.” Louis whispered. 

He had moved closer, had slid his arm around his waist. Harry raised his head slowly, pursing his lips toward the boy and Louis happily crossed the last millimetres between them. He closed his eyes as he brushed his lips with Harry’s. They played that for a while, gently brushing their lips together, their hot breath mixing together. But quickly, Harry got tired of it and pressed his lips harder, his long fingers tangling into Louis’ short hair. The older boy smiled, amused by Harry’s sudden eagerness. That was crazy. How good it was to feel their lips and tongue slowly dancing together with so much passion. Harry felt Louis’ fingers dig slightly into his bare side as he pushed him on his back, pressing their chest together. 

“Your jacket is annoying...” Harry noted out loud, as he pulled on the fake leather jacket. 

Louis smiled before throwing the piece of clothing on the ground. Harry’s skin was so soft, smelled so crazily good when he buried his face in the crook of his neck and breathed in. He kissed his neck gently, leaving hundreds of kisses and pecks from his jaw line to his collarbones. When Louis nibbled gently on the skin covering his collarbones, he felt Harry’s fingers tighten on his skinny waist, making him smile slightly. When Louis had taken his t-shirt off, it was pretty obvious it was not enough to the curly haired boy. He pressed his hand on Louis’ lower back, pulling not so discreetly on the belt and Louis hesitated before sitting up on his knees and undoing his belt slowly. He looked down to the boy, his cheeks were flushed red and he was panting. He was hotter than ever, with his Greek God chest lifting up and down as he breathed heavily. Louis wondered if he would ever survived such a beautiful person. His skin and lips were an addicting poison, poison Louis had fell for so deeply. Harry stretched his arm forward, trying to find Louis eagerly, wiggling his fingers in the air. The older boy grabbed the hand, intertwining their fingers together. He brought the back of Harry’s hand to his face and kissed it gently. He wanted to cry. He wanted to make love to Harry, now. But would he regret it tomorrow or in a week? Would they think it was too early, after only 3 – quite stormy – months in a relationship together. But he desired him so badly. And he knew Harry’s body desired him as well when, once he had tossed his jeans on the side, he laid back down on the boy and his bony hips met the bulge in front of Harry’s boxers. He cupped Harry’s jaw into his hands, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs. He looked down to the younger boy, he was beautiful, more beautiful than he would ever be. His green eyes were shinning in the subdued light coming for the bedside lamp. And that’s when he said it, in a soft whisper against Harry’s lips: 

“I love you.” 

They woke up around 11 the next day. All day, they kept touching each other. The last night had been magical, quite awkward at some points, but magical. The soreness in Harry’s bottom was worth it. No matter if he hissed whenever he would sit down for a couple of days. The endless amused looks and cheeky comments their friends had made were worth it. No matter how embarrassed they were to learn they had been overheard. That one night would stay in their mind for the longest time, probably until their hearts would stop beating. Harry had loved how Louis had made sure he really wanted to do it, asking him if he was really ready. The fact he cared and respected Harry that way, had asked for his consent beforehand, had just made this moment even more lovable. It hadn’t been planned, they hadn’t thought that would happen, but it did and they were both happy with it. At 7 pm, everyone had left the cottage and the whole place was clean and tidied. The weather was horrendous. It was raining heavily and the sky was already pretty dark. So when they took the road, Louis was driving slowly, carefully on the soaked and probably slippery road. He was always a bit anxious to drive in this kind of weather, so he was the most careful he could ever be. The windscreen wipers were going from left to right quickly, trying to clear Louis’ vision of the road. All he could see in the headlights was the rain drops lashing on the tarmac loudly. He turned on his playlist, letting Elton John’s voice filling the car. He slid his hand gently on Harry’s wet sweatpants covered knee when the road was straight, and stroke it slowly. He liked – loved – Harry’s legs. He had time to look at them, focus on them the night before, and he could claim they were the best legs he had ever been given the opportunity to see. He had the softest skin he had ever touched. The night before had been the best he had ever had in his whole life. And the sudden blinding light of the car charging into them made him wonder if it was the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you're all doing well!  
> I am a bit late and I am very sorry about that!  
> This is the 40th chapter, oh my... I finished the writing yesterday night, I finally wrote "The End". This was crazy, I cried a little as I had to say goodbye to those characters.  
> It's a little bit of a cliffhanger this time, and I am very sorry if you don't like them.  
> I love you all, and thank you with all my heart to stay and read my work every week. This means so much to me and I can't say it enough! You're amazing!  
> Take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Hello everyone, I hope you're all feeling good today! I never post any note before the chapter, I know, I know. But this is a special occasion today, isn't it, well to me it is! This is the last chapter, obviously, the Epilogue will be posted soon after (on Sunday), but I just thought I needed to post a quick note here, nothing important really! Just to thank you for everything!  
>  I hope you'll like this chapter ♥**

# BROKEN

_**November 1st** _

It was violent. Soon enough, Elton John’s voice couldn’t be heard when the loud sound of breaking glasses took over the cheerful music. The Ford Ranger was kicked all in a sudden with full force, both their bodies were turned into fragile rag dolls. Harry’s head hit the window and he whined in pain and fear among the chaotic noises. All over again. He felt like he was thrown back months ago, when he took his mother’s car secretly to go to this concert, when it had all happened. Suddenly, among the terrible scary scene, he came to wonder what would happen to him this time. Would he be deaf? Or would it be the end this time? He let his body fly in the car, trapped behind his seatbelt, listening to the car hitting the ground all over again, wondering when it would stop. The windscreen had been smashed, rocks and dust were hitting his tears covered face several time. When his skull hit the window again, he fell unconscious. There was no sound, no movement, nothing more than the heavy silence.  
After the metallic coffin had rolled over several time, it had stopped on the left side in the middle of a field. Harry slowly opened his eyes after a couple of minutes, coughing loudly as he felt his tears fell down his cheeks, some trapped into his lashes. His chest hurt but he could hear himself whine painfully, he could move his full body. He felt almost fine if there wasn’t the throbbing pain in his head and arm from the accident. He felt strangely lucky to be alive, not having anything taken away from him this time. He pulled on the seatbelt that was tightening his chest. Carefully, he reached for the button and clicked, falling on the door. He whined loudly when he felt a piece of glass dig into his shoulder through his top. How could he be so unlucky, was he cursed? He lifted his arms to feel Louis, but he could only feel the seat? There wasn’t anyone, no body left at the conductor place. He touched the seat, frowning, his hot tears mixing to the dripping blood. 

“Louis?” he called weakly. 

Louis couldn’t have left him, right? Maybe he went to call for help? He kept silence in hope to hear a respond but there was no voice, neither near him, nor far. Nothing but his heart beating loudly in his ears and the rain. He slid his hand across the car door, grabbing the handle and pulling on it, the door wasn’t opened, Louis hadn’t left. He stood up carefully, a hand over his head. He held onto the side of the car and painfully lifted himself onto his hands. It was hard to slid his legs over, but he managed to escape the vehicle. He was sobbing loudly when he laid on the ground. He breathed in and was relief when he didn’t smell any kind of petrol. He called for Louis again, but nothing came back to his ears. The fear running through his veins were making his heart speed violently against his rib cage. An almost painful whistling sound was reverberating into his ears. He slid his fingers over his pocket, he could feel his phone through it. He unzipped it quickly, worried and took his phone out. 

“Call 999!” he said to his phone.  
“Calling 999...” the female voice replied. 

All in a sudden, the usually very annoying female voice sounded like the most reassuring sound he had ever heard. He focused on tones before if answered. Once he heard the masculine voice from the other side of the phone, he almost shouted: 

“We just had a car accident. We’re… we’re somewhere, I don’t know… My boyfriend, he had disappeared… I don’t know where he is...”  
“Calm down sir, what do you see around you? Can you give us any indication?”  
“I can’t see...” he said. 

His heart was beating fast into his chest, he swore he could almost feel it going back up into his throat, ready to be thrown up.

“What do you mean, sir?” the man asked again.  
“I am blind, I can’t see anything. I can’t give you visual indication. Please, we need help, I don’t know where’s my boyfriend…”

He couldn’t even manage to comprehend what the man was saying on the line. It was just pain and fear and anxiety kicking into his body. He felt numb. He was laying on the grass in the middle of nowhere, a piece of glass lost into his flesh, his whole body sore and his boyfriend was missing. It was a nightmare. Was he dead and lost in his own hell? Alone, blind, helpless and hurt. 

“Sir?”  
“We… we were driving from Ecclesall Woods… We had been driving for about 15 minutes… We were going back home. I am, I am in the grass, I guess it’s a field. I don’t know.” he stuttered. 

He gave his home address to the man. He wished he could see right now what was happening. He wished he could stand up and look around him and gave any visual indication to the man. But he couldn’t, he was trapped behind black thick curtains, his lids taped to his cheeks. Harry stood onto his feet, barely listening to the man under the pouring rain. He needed to find Louis. He was sure he hadn’t left him behind. And he felt even worse to even consider this idea. Louis was an amazing person, he wouldn’t abandon him there all alone. Right? There was no way he would ever do that? He walked around, randomly, he was not even sure where he was going. He called Louis’ name several times. 

“Sir, please, can you answer me? Calm down, sir. We want to help you, one of our team had left toward Ecclesall Woods, do you have any more indication you can give me?”  
“No, I don’t!” he shouted. 

And like that, he ended the call, there was no more information he could give to them anyway. He just needed to find Louis. He walked painfully. Their heavenly loving night seemed so far away suddenly. Not the day before, but a vague memory of an ancient time he used to love. He wanted to go back in time and stay longer in between his arms. He wanted to fly back to the cottage house and feel Louis’ heavy breath into the crook of his neck, feel his sticky chest and hear his kind words whispered to his ear. Now there was only an aching body, hot tears, blood, fear and the driving rain. 

“Louis! Please, answer me.” he yelled once again. 

The lack of sound made his knees weak and he felt on the grass. He felt like dying there. An anchor was tied around his chest and his heart was sewed into his throat, beating quickly and hard. It was exhausting. He was tired. He wanted to find Louis and drive back home together to take a shower and sleep. But there was no such thing. Nothing like that would happen in a while, actually. He pressed his face into the soaked grass and sobbed loudly. He was lost. Had he walked closer to the road or further away? Was he too far from the car now? He begged. He prayed. No matter if there was no faith left into him, he still brought his hands together and prayed. Maybe he was being a hypocrite, but in all honesty, he couldn’t have cared less at the moment. Was it really important while he was lost, hurt and all alone? Harry laid down on his back, closing his eyes and tying his fingers over his heart, praying out loud. That was the last thing the 16 year old boy remembered. 

When he opened his eyes, he noticed the hard bed under his body. It was harder than his own bed, and the place didn’t smell vanilla like his bedroom did. It was different. Too different. When the memories floated back to his brain slowly, one after the other, he almost thought it had only been a dream. A very bad nightmare he had finally managed to woke up from. He was now in Louis’ bedroom in the cottage house, still wrapped into Louis’ warm embrace. He slid his hand on his left, but there was no one. His bed was small and the mattress was hard. 

“Honey!” 

He flinched at the sudden voice that broke the silence. His mother. She quickly wrapped her arms around him softly and held him tightly. He heard her sob a bit over his shoulders and he wrapped his arms around her, hissing quietly at the pain in his shoulder. That’s a that moment Harry noticed his wrist was secured in a cast. 

“How are you feeling?” Gemma asked, her voice full of worry. 

He simply nodded. He was still confused. Everything he remembered had actually happened. He didn’t know what he was supposed to ask first. Where was Louis, was he okay? How did they found them? Was the other car driver okay? Was Harry himself, okay? What had happened? He didn’t know what to ask, how to sort his mind. He wrapped a hand around his mother’s wrist when she pulled away. 

“Where is Louis?” he asked. 

His throat was tight, it seemed like someone had wrapped a scarf around his neck and tightened it to strangle him. The silence had fallen into the room and his stomach was thrown upside down and he was ready to throw up whatever he had snacked for diner. That couldn’t mean anything good. Had he really left him? Had he simply ran away and abandoned him there all alone? Or, hadn’t anyone found him? Where was he? How was he? What had happened? He could barely swallow or breathe, he was simply waiting for an answer. 

“Baby...” Anne started. 

Harry was ready to burst into tears. Air stopped into his throat, no more oxygen flew to his lungs. He was breathless, speechless, full of fear and anxieties. 

“Louis... he woke up some hours ago… He is in the room next to yours, and he’s pretty okay. Don’t worry.”

Harry frowned but nodded. He was happy to know they were in rooms one next to the other. That meant, no matter how much time he would have to spend time there, they could be together a lot. He wouldn’t have to cross the whole hospital to join him. He felt so much relief after her mother’s words, he smiled happily. 

“Can I go with him?” 

Anne hesitated, sending a worried look to her daughter and the young woman shook her head. 

“Well, he fell back asleep now. He went through a lot of examinations, it was long and he must have been exhausted. When he wakes up, okay?” 

Her voice sounded different, oddly worried. But Harry brushed the thought away, he believed his mother. She wouldn’t lie to him, never. He knew it. He didn’t want to think about Louis getting hurt. Louis couldn’t be hurt, that was not possible. Not after all he went through, if fate strived to hurt him so much, it was simply unfair. He wished he could have protected him, held him in between his arms tightly while they were almost flying around in the car. He sighed and rested his head back onto the pillow. 

“What time is it? What day is it?” he asked again, curious.  
“You slept almost all day, it’s 6 pm, November the 2nd.” Gemma answered.  
“We told them you were waking up, you’re probably hungry and they’re going to bring you some food.” 

When they did bring him food, Harry forced the soup down his throat. He was anxious, his stomach was knotted and he had a hard time trying to eat. The fact the soup wasn’t even good didn’t make it easier. He just couldn’t get away from the noises. The loud metallic sound, so deafening when the two cars crashed together. The small pieces of glasses, the dust and rocks hitting his face. And then, the silence, the heavy tension, the fear almost breaking his chest. When the sun went down and the night fell onto the city, Gemma and Anne insisted they could stay for the night, but the young boy assured it was fine. He could stay alone. He knew there were nurses all around him. He had spent weeks into a hospital bed, getting into therapy, stuck with casts and broken bones. He was luckier this time. Much luckier, but it didn’t prevent the trauma and fear. So both women left back to their house. 

Harry didn’t really know what time it was when he threw the blankets away from his body and laid his feet flat on the cold floor. Slowly, he walked with his arms stretched in front of him. He needed to make sure Louis was okay, by himself. So when his fingertips met the glass wall, he walked slowly against it, sliding his fingers until he met the door. He opened it and stepped in the hallway. At that moment, he remembered he didn’t really know where Louis’ room was. It was supposed to be next to his. But did his mother mean the 1st room next to his, or just a room on the same hallway? Did she mean on his right or on his left? He stood there, a bit unaware of what to do. Confused. A hand wrapped around his shoulder and he flinched a bit at the unexpected move. 

“Hey, are you okay?” it was a soft feminine voice. “You’re Harry, right?” she asked. 

He nodded, he recognised the voice as the one of the nurse who had previously brought him his diner. He had become pretty good at recognising voices and who they belonged to. He had learnt to focus on something else after he had lost his capacity to recognise people by their faces.

“I am trying to find Louis Tomlinson’s room?” he said, unsure. 

She could simply just refuse that to him and force him back into his room, tell him to sleep or something similar to that. But that wasn’t what he wanted at the moment. He wanted to hug his boyfriend and make sure he felt good. Make sure nothing was wrong, that he was really here, alive. She wrapped her hand around his elbow. 

“It’s right there, let me check if he’s awake, okay?” 

They both walked, carefully, toward the first room on the left. Her hand left his arm and he stood there. His heart was beating violently into his chest, hitting against his rib cage. He could feel his palms getting sweatier every single minute. He couldn’t wait. He couldn’t wait to lay a hand on Louis’ chest, just over his heart and feel it beat, proof he was alive, next to him. He heard some mumbling voices and the hand rested on his lower back. He smiled stressfully and walked a bit. 

“He’s awake, go on, I’ll lead you to him, okay?” 

Harry nodded again and let her push gently onto his back, as she held his elbow. After a minute, he sat down on the bed, making sure he wouldn’t sit on Louis’ leg as he wrapped a hand around Louis’ knee, over the covers. He heard some sniffing and he frowned, pulling his hand away and hoping he hadn’t hurt him. 

“You’re here...” Harry whispered, his voice heavy with sobs. 

Louis’s fingers brushed the back of his hand and wrapped around it, intertwining their fingers together. Hot tears were streaming down his pale face quickly, dropping onto his white patient blouses. Harry had some bruises and cuts on his cheeks, a plaster was stuck to the corner of his forehead. 

“You’re okay?” the older boy asked. 

Harry nodded but his voice blocked into his throat when he noticed the sobs his boyfriend was holding into his voice. He was scared. Terrified if he was really honest. 

“That’s great! I was worried about you… I heard you made the emergency call, maybe we wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t. I am sorry about all of this. I am the one who sent you here… I was the one driving the car. I hate the fact the other guy is out there feeling so great, while we’re both here. He was drunk and high and we were both 100% sober. This is unfair.” 

Louis slid his hand across his cheek, wiping his tears with his thin fingers. He looked at the white blank ceiling for a moment, trying to bring himself together and focus on what was important at the moment. What he had to do. Right now. 

“Firstly, it was not your fault, at all. It was their fault. I don’t want you to feel guilty, ever! Secondly, how are you?” he asked, holding Louis’ hand more tightly. 

Louis looked back to the curly haired boy. He opened his mouth slowly. He didn’t know how he was supposed to say whatever he needed to say at the moment. He didn’t answer right away and maybe that was why Harry gently put his plastered hand on his knee. A couple more tears dropped into his already soaked cheeks when he noticed his hand. 

“Louis?” the curly haired boy added, anxious.  
“I need to tell you something, Harry… I need you to listen, don’t interrupt me because it’s going to be really hard…” he started, his heart beating in his throat.

The young green eyed boy was ready to witness his whole world fall apart all around him, the sky collapsing onto his head. He could never bear losing him, he could never bear going through life without him by his side. He was terrified. That was how breakups started. That was what he imagined – if he had ever bear to even imagine – Louis would say to break up with him. Something about listening, not talking.

“What… What’s happening?” his voice was trembling.

His eyes were already filled with some glassy tears. His chest was being crashed by some invisible weight hanging on his shoulder and he could barely breathe. 

“So… You know, during the accident… I, well I kind of flew through the broken windscreen. They found me on the road. When I arrived at the hospital, they put me through many examinations. I didn’t know where all of them were leading, but I knew something. I couldn’t feel my legs. I couldn’t move my legs anymore.” he started, his voice breaking with quiet sobs every now and then, making it almost unbearable to hear for Harry. “I did some x-ray, to know what was wrong. One of the x-ray showed lesion on my 1st lumbar vertebrae.” Louis stopped for a moment, breathing heavily and pressing his fingers against his lids, he was trying his best not to break down. He noticed Harry opened his mouth to speak but he stopped him. “I am not done yet. I want to make sure you know exactly what it implied. I can’t walk anymore.” Louis added. Hearing himself saying it made his heart break a bit more into his chest, it felt like this time, it was permanent. No clue would ever be able to fix the pieces together anymore. There was nothing left to do. He couldn’t look at Harry, so he looked down to his laps. “I am...” he tried. 

He really, truly tried his best, with all his strength, not to burst into tears. But he couldn’t really hold them behind his lids anymore. They were pressing against them, burning his eyes. It took him some time to gather himself. He needed to be clear. He needed to say it out loud. In all honesty, when he had heard the doctor tell him there was no hope, that the lesions were too bad to be fixed, he looked at his world falling apart. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t move, didn’t cry. He simply blacked out. He left reality flew away for this small gloomy world, praying not to be back any time soon. It was too painful to face it. But he needed to. He had made Anne and Gemma promise they wouldn’t tell Harry. He wanted – needed – to do it himself. 

“I am paraplegic.” he finished. 

His hot, burning tears were now covering his beautiful face. Those last months, he had gone through a lot of pressure, had had felt more mentally unstable than ever. He had thought he would never feel worse than he had felt in those moment. From the self hatred chewing his nerves, to the constant pain weighing heavily onto his heart. But now, at this specific moment, he knew he had been wrong. He felt worse than he had ever felt. The weight onto his chest was heavier than ever and he wondered if he would be able to breathe properly any longer. He wished he could just stand onto his feet, walk around. He wished he could go back in time and enjoy the privilege he wasn’t aware he had, to be able to walk. He had taken it for granted, he hadn’t thought it could be taken away from him. Ever. It had never crossed his mind. How would he climb the stairs at his house to go to his bedroom? How would he cross the street? Help his mother around? Have fun with his family? Was it a punishment? For all those times he had thought his life was terrible, while knowing too well lot of people would love to be him, to have such a family, and such friends and a beautiful boyfriend. Maybe it was. Maybe he actually deserved all of this.  
It was silent. There were only his loud sobs to break the heavy silence of the room. Louis couldn’t dare looking up to Harry. He was terrified to face him, to see the look painted over his pretty doll face. He was too scared to see disappointment, disgust or any kind of sight that would let him know Harry wouldn’t love him that way. He couldn’t lose his ability to walk as well as Harry. He couldn’t even imagine how it would feel. Harry moved closer and laid beside him. The bed was too small and his chest was half resting on Louis’. He kissed his cheek but Louis kept his eyes closed, tightly. Harry’s throat was tied, but he couldn’t cry, it wasn’t about him. He had no right to cry and show any kind of fear to Louis. He trusted him. He was stronger than anyone he had ever met. Harry loved him and he would probably love him for the rest of his life. He crawled slowly and carefully to the top on the mattress, sliding his arm around his shoulders and held him tighter, his lips brushing Louis’ feathery hair. 

_”If I never knew you,_  
_If I never felt this love,_  
_I would have no inkling of_  
_How precious life can be._

He pressed his lips on Louis’ head, holding him closer and kissing his hair softly. Louis pressed his cheeks onto the younger boy’s chest. 

_”And if I never held you,_  
_I would never have a clue,_  
_How at last I’d find in you_  
_The missing part of me.”_

Harry went on with the song, in a low voice, so no one could hear but Louis. A very trembling and sobbing Louis. He was holding onto Harry’s blouse like on a life jacket in the middle of the darkest ocean. His knuckles were white, his cheeks soaked and his heart heavy. Heavy with Harry’s love. Louis would never get enough of this deep voice singing into his ear, caressing his eardrum. In a couple of minutes, Harry had managed to reassure Louis. Not about how his life would turn or how he would be able to keep on doing everything, but about being alone. Because he knew he wasn’t alone. He knew, no matter if he couldn’t walk, couldn’t use his legs anymore, Harry would stay by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well, I know I may disappoint some of you with this chapter, even though I don't really know what you thought would happen, and I am very sorry if I disappointed any of you. Just to let you know, it was supposed to be much worst, I simply changed my plans some months ago!  
> This feels so weird and crazy to post this, and to think it will be the end next week.  
> No worries, I will keep the boring rambling for Sunday (sorry for those who will take time to read it), oops!  
> I hope you still like this chapter, THANK YOU, always, for reading and giving me some of your precious time!  
> Have an amazing day and take care of you ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**OH MY. I can not believe I'm posting the very last part of this story.  
>  I hope you'll enjoy the following content, I love you all ♥ ♥** _

# EPILOGUE

_**Two years later, December 24th** _

When Louis heard the knocks on the front doors, he tightened his grip onto the soft blanket and teddy bear he had been holding carefully against his chest for the last hour. He looked down at the light pink teddy, it was not the smallest, about fifteen inches tall. One of his arm was wrapped in a fake white cast covered in small colourful little scribbled hearts. It was holding a blue heart on which was embroidered “Get well soon”. Bebe had given it to him when he was at the hospital. He now had a full shelf devoted to those kind of teddy bears. They had been given to him either when he was in the hospital after the accident, or when he had spent two months in the clinic to try and heal his _eating disorders_ (and the full package of mental healths “complications” he had had to encounter). He had to face them all the time. Yes, they were adorable and they apparently translated people’s love for him, but he didn’t like being reminded of those hard times so much. Fortunately, the balloons had deflated a long time ago.   
He closed his eyes tightly when he saw the door of his room open. Harry entered the room slowly. He knew the place by now, but he couldn’t deny he could still fall over or stumble over some clothes that would have been left on the floor. He walked closer to the bed and sat down on the edge. 

“Louis, they’re here.” 

The blue eyed boy didn’t want to do this. He refused to face his family. They hadn’t really seen each other those last months. Most of the time, his siblings were busy at school, his mum and step-father busy at work and himself was busy trying to stay constant at university as well as tutoring high school students and working week ends as a receptionist in a motel. At the end of the day, he was always incredibly exhausted. They called, of course they did, a lot, at least once a week, just to make sure everything was fine on both sides. But he knew they would look at him, stare at him. They would try and see if he had gained more weight or lost any. He did lost some pounds, he was not back to the horrendous state he had been trapped in two years ago though. He was far from it. Of course, he was still very insecure. There were still days he would shower in the dark, not to see his body, his flaws. But that was so much better than before. He had gained more than 30 pounds, he was now about 125 pounds and he felt pretty bad about it, in all honesty. 30. That just sounded like so much, like _too_ much. But was it really? He knew he needed them, to be healthier and less in pain. That was what they had repeated to him endlessly. He had worked a lot, Harry had worked a lot also. He had always been there. He had been pretty passionate with the cooking classes he had started, since then, Louis had the opportunity to taste Harry’s incredibly skilled meals. He had made it funnier for Louis to feed himself, promising him reward if he managed to finish his plate, like a back massage or a full evening watching Gone With The Wind. But all of this couldn’t take away the hints of guilt swimming through Louis’ veins. He managed to shush it sometimes, telling himself he was the only boss here, the only one to have a say on whatever he would allow himself to eat. But sometimes, it was harder. It was almost like the heavy anchor was back on his chest and he couldn’t eat a thing. 

“I don’t want to go.” he whispered, trying not to be heard. 

Their bedroom was pretty close to the living room in the apartment and he didn’t want his family to hear him. They would probably think he felt bad, that he was ill, that he needed help. That was the last thing he   
needed, for them to worry about him, while he was trying his harder to get better, to be a better person. He was motivated, he simply had lower days, like everyone. Harry slid his hand onto Louis’ arm and wrapped his fingers around him. There were days where he would only do this to make sure Louis’ body wasn’t all scrawny anymore, just to make sure it hadn’t been a dream. He took Louis’ hand, detaching it softly from the blanket and teddy he was holding on strongly, and he brought it to his lips and kissed his fingers gently.

“Baby, everything is going to be fine, I promise.” he muttered against his knuckles, holding them pressed against his plump lips as he talked. “I know you’re worried, because it’s been quite some time since you’ve seen them, but they seemed very excited to be here.” 

Louis looked up to Harry. He was radiant. He had started going to the gym a lot about a year and a half ago, seriously working on his body. He did not want to be thinner, he wanted to get stronger. He had felt like he had lost some of his muscle without any work out for so long and he had wanted to give it a try. Now he was running miles on the treadmill, spending hours on the exercise bike, but mostly, he spent ages lifting weights. With the help of his coach, he was working hard to be a professional trainer. He had made lot of research lately, to work on his future as well as his body. So his shoulders were larger and most of his muscles had gotten much bigger. Louis supported him, obviously. He liked how Harry’s face lighted up whenever he told someone he wanted to achieve his dream of becoming a professional trainer, and how his loss of sight wouldn’t stop him from working in sport, like he had wanted to. It was a beautiful thing to witness. And Louis couldn’t complain about how Harry’s body was being built, he was just envious sometimes. He wished he could build his body the way Harry did. But his access to the gym or to any kind of work out was still restricted to the minimum, simply because his therapist and doctors thought he could easily fall into the excess; because he was still _too weak_.

“They’re going to stare at me while I am eating, analysing everything I do to make sure I am okay now.” he said, heavy anxiety weighing onto his tongue.  
“That’s because they love you, and they are scared for you, just like I am.” he admitted. 

That was true, Harry was worried and scared about his boyfriend. He was always terrified to come back home and find him unconscious. His brain had made up so many unwanted frightening scenarios about how Louis’ health could suddenly decline all over again. So he was very careful, careful about his words, or how he acted around him, how he held him or even kissed him. Everything needed to be thought about before, to make sure it wouldn’t affect him in any bad way. 

“Don’t you...” 

Harry held more tightly onto his arm, cutting him off to speak up. 

“I do trust you! I do, but I don’t trust the disorders. I am always scared it takes you back away from me. And your family is as well. Just prove them you’re okay, that you eat better, that you’re stronger and healthier.”   
“I hate you.” Louis sighed loudly before throwing the blanket away and putting the teddy bear back onto the pillow. 

He crawled closer to the edge after pushing Harry away. He managed to slowly and carefully slide onto the seat, holding himself onto his arms. Once he was sitting onto the wheelchair, he wrapped his hands on the wheels and left the room, Harry holding onto the little handles on his back. When they arrived in the living room, Louis breathed in as every pair of eye settled on him. A dog jumped on him and he smiled down at her, scratching her head gently. 

“I am here Scarlett, let me say hi to grandma!” he joked before looking up to his mum.   
“I like it that you’re treating this dog as your daughter but I am not an official grandma yet, don’t make me older than I am, honey! Happy birthday Lou!” Johannah said before leaning onto him and wrapping her arms around his chest. 

Louis noticed when she patted his back, feeling around onto his shoulder blades and spine, just to make sure he had gained more weight. He didn’t say a thing though. After everyone had embraced him and kissed his cheeks, Scarlett had jumped onto his laps, even though she was much bigger now. Harry and Louis had made research about how to get a guide dog, and after many months of being trained, Scarlett had finally integrated their little family. She was energetic whenever she was in the house, but whenever she knew Harry needed her, she was more serious, calm and obedient. She was a dream dog, an adorable and kind white Labrador.   
Harry and Louis had cooked a lot that day, cakes for the birthday but some meals for Christmas Eve diner, but they were happy to know Johannah had cooked as well. It appeared to be a bit too much when Gemma and Anne arrived with more food though. But quickly, they were all gathered around the table. Louis’ small hands were sweaty, and he couldn’t stop wiping his palms onto his jeans, not very effective. He hadn’t celebrated neither his birthday, nor Christmas Eve since the accident. Yes, his family and friends had insisted, a lot. Whenever it was close to December the 24th, his sisters and mother had harped on about how it would be nice to celebrate his 19th, 20th, 21st birthday. How important it was to remind himself he was still alive, no matter what hardship he had to go through, he was still breathing and fighting. So that year, he had agreed on celebrating both. He was not really enthusiastic, to say the least. He did not want to celebrate life, because he wasn’t even enjoying it yet. He wished they all could have waited a bit more, for him to feel good enough to eat two big pieces of chocolate cake. He could feel their eyes on him, they were observing attentively. Whenever he was bringing the silver fork to his lips, he could hear small breath or barely audible whisper. They were not very discreet. So to take their mind away from him and his plate, he spoke up. 

“So, Lottie, how is it going with your boyfriend?” 

Louis hadn’t had the chance to meet the boy yet, but through their numerous text messages, Lottie had talked a lot about him. Before that though, Louis had discovered that supposed crush his sister used to have on Harry was a lie, a story she had made up with Félicité to try and find if Louis liked him. It had stood to reason he did, when he had told them about his feeling for him, so it had randomly came into the conversation one night, when Harry was busy working out at the gym with Zayn. But that Tommy guy seemed nice. He was just waiting to meet him in person and get to know him – drowning him into strong waves of questions – to be sure he was good for his little sister. Although Louis had to deal with his mental health problems, and had to learn how to live more happily, he was still very protective over his younger siblings. 

“It’s going great!” she answered with a smile after swallowing the piece of turkey she was chewing. “I wish you could have met him today...” she admitted, shrugging.   
“You should have told him to come, then! It would have been nice to finally get to know him and find out if he was good for you!” he said with an amused smile. 

She rolled her eyes, chewing onto another piece of turkey. Louis was running his fork into the jardinière into his plate, playing mindlessly with the green beans, carrots and other vegetables. He had stopped eating meat a bit more than a year ago now, even though his therapist and dietician hadn’t entirely agreed on it. They had served him so much red and white meat at the clinic to give him nutriments he had been deprived for a long time. And he had made lot of research, watched many documentaries and quickly enough, it came pretty clear to Louis’ mind he wanted to stop eating meat. Even though he made this choice, he didn’t mind if Harry ate lot of chicken and turkey, lean meat was essential into his new diet. Louis didn’t take any of the potatoes, mostly because he still had a hard time eating starchy foods. 

“Mum thought you wouldn’t want to see any strangers, you know since you didn’t really want to celebrate your birthday and stuff...” she admitted. 

It was silent for a moment. Johannah was staring at her plate. There were still situation in which she didn’t know how to act with Louis, what was right or wrong. She was still learning how to live normally, how to act like his mother and not like his nurse. And it was one of those situation in which she was still a bit lost. She was pretty certain her son wouldn’t have wanted any stranger at his apartment during his birthday. But sometimes, it felt like Louis was a stranger to her, she had to learn to know her son all over again. 

“Mum…” he sighed, but smiled when she looked up to him with a sad smile. “Well, the next time you come to visit, you’ll know you can take him with you. I’ll be happy to meet him.” 

His sister smiled happily and focused back onto her plate. 

“The turkey is really good, by the way!” she exclaimed, looking back at her brother, a mouth full. 

He raised his hands in the air and pointed at Harry who was sitting next to him. They hadn’t sat on the opposite side of the table, the way it should have been done, Louis had made it clear he wanted to sit next to Harry. The younger boy had been his biggest support for the last years, always there for him, no matter how much shit Louis had put him through. He had stopped counting how many times he had called him in tears when he was having a sleepover at Niall’s, just to talk to him, to be sure he still loved him. So Harry would talk to him until he was calmer and had fallen asleep. It was stupid, and childish, wasn’t it? It was to Louis too, whenever he would wake up the next day, he would remember it and feel very dumb. He had reproached Harry of infantilising him so many times, but he was still acting like a baby every now and then. He wondered how Harry was still sticking by his side, reading to catch him whenever he would fall. It was crazy, any other boy would have given up on him a long time ago. 

“He made it! He cooks all the time!” he said, the pride perfectly audible into his voice.   
“I am so proud of you, baby!” Anne exclaimed happily. 

Harry smiled and blushed timidly under his mother’s gaze. Her eyes were glassy and it was very visible she wanted to cry and jump across the table to hug her son. Louis slid one of his hand under the table and patted Harry’s knee gently. The younger boy entwined his fingers to the smallest ones on his legs and they held hands discreetly, Harry giving some of his courage to Louis, in the case he would need any. 

“Thanks mum!” he said with a shy smile. 

In two years, Harry had thrown away most of his timidity, but he remained shy whenever his mother would compliment him and express her pride for him. He was eighteen now, on his way to his nineteenth birthday – which he was very impatient about, for some reason – and he was very mature for his age. Sometimes, Louis would feel terribly guilty. He felt like he had pushed Harry to grow up too fast, felt like he was a heavy burden on the boy’s shoulders, made him feel he needed to take care of him. He had so many responsabilities. It felt like he had thrown his teen years in the trash can to be an adult, so quick and early in his life. But whenever Louis had been brave enough to express his worries and guilt, Harry would shush him, rambling about how the accidents made him grow up quicker than the others.   
So the evening went on until they decided it was time to exchange each other’s presents. Harry leant onto Louis and whispered to his ear, unsure: 

“Are the presents still in the wardrobe?”   
“Yes, top shelf, on the left, I should come with you, there are a lot.”   
“There are bags, it will be fine, stay here with your family, okay?” 

Louis looked up at him as he walked away, slowly, sliding his fingers onto the furnitures or along the walls. He was so handsome in his shiny black opened shirt, it was showing that big black moth tattoo he had got several month ago. It was a picture Harry had drawn when he was fifteen, he had always wanted to get it tattooed on him. He just couldn’t do it before he turned eighteen, his mother wouldn’t have wanted to. So as soon as he had turned eighteen, him and Louis went to the tattoo parlour where Zayn had started to work and Harry had asked him to tattoo the moth onto his chest. It had surprised Louis at first, and maybe he had tried to change his mind, but Harry was stubborn. And, right, Louis had to admit it was one of Harry’s best decision, it was fitting his chest perfectly. Some nights, when he was laying onto Harry’s chest, he couldn’t stop but stare at it, it was just perfect on him. 

He hated being watched whenever someone would give him another present, it was embarrassing. He always felt like he needed to exaggerate his happiness otherwise they would think he wasn’t happy with this gift. So he had put on an overly big smile stretching his lips and hurting his cheeks at least ten long minutes ago, and it hadn’t stopped yet. His mother and Dan had offered to him two Adidas jackets to add to his already pretty big Adidas collection. Gemma and Anne had offered him a collection of Queen’s vinyl albums – Harry had apparently told them he only had the CDs – and he was very happy. Now Félicité held him another present, it was a bit heavy and wrapped in red paper. When he torn the paper away, his jaw dropped. The thin yellowish paper covering the hard cover was slightly worn out but in perfect shape. He slid his trembling fingers along the cover and opened it, just to face the reality. On the slightly yellow page, it was still very readable: Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell, and at the bottom of the page, he could read 1936. It was a copy of the first edition of the novel. He couldn’t believe it. His eyes were glassy when he looked up to his sisters. All four had teamed up to buy him this copy, which costed more than £150. But the happiness in his eyes was worth anything. After Louis gave his sisters their presents, mostly pieces of clothing or make up palette he had heard about endlessly those last months, he suspected them to had harped on about it just to make sure he would buy them. Him and Harry had teamed up to buy all the presents, as well as a pair of earrings to Anne and a bracelet to Gemma, a necklace to Johannah and the last Prada fragrance for Dan, okay, maybe they were in a lack of imagination toward the end. While everyone were exchanging their presents, Louis turned toward his boyfriend. He got closer, a hand onto the arm of his wheelchair. 

“I can’t give you your present tonight, it wasn’t ready yet, I am sorry!” he murmured into his ear. 

It always made Harry shiver, even after those years where, maybe, he should have got used to it. It still had that much effect of him, sending goosebumps all over his spine. The younger boy turned his head toward Louis and smiled. 

“You’ll get yours later tonight.” he simply said. 

And maybe Louis assumed it was something sexual, some sort of fantasy or a striptease, but nobody needed to know that. He smiled shyly to himself at the thought. They had never done anything crazy, anything out of the ordinary, none of them felt the need to. They didn’t mind their sexual life and activities to be basics. They had never thought about trying new things, they were both plenty happy with how it was at the moment. But maybe Harry wanted to? And if it was the case, Louis would happily do him this favour.   
When everyone had opened – torn away – their presents, Ernest and Doris walked up to Louis, holding hands. He had missed them, they had grown up so much. It had seemed like each year were putting them closer, they could barely leave each other’s side. Ernest put a little box wrapped in pale pink paper onto his laps, so slowly and softly that Louis assumed Ernest was scared to hurt Louis’ legs. 

“Oh? Is that for me?” Louis asked with a smile as he lifted the light box.   
“Yes! We made it for you!” Doris said with the largest smile stretching her lips. 

Louis and Harry had bought them a full little kitchen with plastic plates and different objects, plastic fruits and food, which both of them had already scattered all around the living room, fighting a bit over who would use the oven. Louis unwrapped the paper slowly and opened one of his old vans shoe box. He smiled and his heart warmed a bit into his chest when he noticed the little bracelets in the bottom and the little red envelope on which it was scribbled Louis, it was very clear the “s” had been added by another person, and it made it even more adorable. He grabbed the four small bracelets. All four had been made with en elastic and different shape and sizes of plastic pearls. Two were pink, on both it was written _Harry_ with square pearls. The two others were blue, and the square pearls were forming the name _Louis_. The boy smiled and he wanted to cry for a moment. He looked up to Ernest and Doris. 

“You understand?” Doris asked, almost like she thought he was terribly confused.   
“You take one Harry and one Louis.” Ernest explained before he say anything.   
“And the others are for Harry.” Doris added, with a proud smile. 

He spread his arms opened and they both walked to each side of his wheelchair, leaning on him and hugging him tightly. When did he get this lucky? He had always knew, it was pretty obvious he had the best boyfriend, best family and best friends in the whole world. No one could ever be as lucky as him. He looked up to those people he loved so much, all around the table, chatting together happily. His eyes were heavy of unreleased tears hidden under his lids. Ernest quickly grabbed the bracelet and as Doris held Louis’ left arm up, he slid two of them down to his wrist The older boy stared for a moment at the pearls decorating his wrist. It had been a long time since he had felt this good. He hadn’t eaten too much, had limited to his plate of vegetables and a tiny piece of cake with two large glass of water. He had been very anxious all day – and the days before honestly – but suddenly, it seemed so insignificant. He had went through hell and back, had hated himself for so long, had battled himself in a horrific bloody war, but he wanted to live. And that was probably what mattered the most at the moment.   
They spent a long time talking with each other. Johannah rambled about how Félicité was doing so great at school, and her pride for her daughter’s success was perfectly audible in her voice and visible on her happy face. They learnt how Lottie was having a lot of fun at her new beauty school, and how Phoebe and Daisy had started following in her make up fan’s footsteps. It was about to strike midnight when Harry and Gemma disappeared somewhere in the apartment. For a moment, Louis was worried, why would they leave without any explanation? He wondered if Harry was sick, or if he wanted to talk with his sister, just the both of them, without any eavesdroppers surrounding them. But he could still feel that heavy weight in the bottom of his chest, making it harder for him to breath in properly and deeply. He had been very stressed about being left, lately. It was a real, powerful fear leading him into crazy jealousy crisis, but he refused to yell at Harry, so he would always keep his doubts inside. Did Harry want to break up with him? Had he met some very muscular boy at the gym? Zayn would have told him, right? Since, most of the times, they were going there together, he would have noticed. Zayn, who had never told Liam about his true feeling, was still very single. Without any real reason, even though Louis was certain he was still in love with Liam, no matter what he had said. Liam had broken up with Sophia and was single as well. And maybe Bebe was trying very hard to play Cupid and push them in each other’s arms, didn’t really work that well in all honesty. She kept trying her hardest though. When Harry came back, his cheeks looked red, and the older boy wondered if he had cried when Gemma patted his shoulder carefully. Harry sat back down next to him and Louis leant onto him. 

“Is everything okay, love?” he asked, concerned. 

Harry nodded and plastered a smile onto his plump lips. There was something hidden behind this smile though, he could see it. He knew Harry, now. But he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was, this time. He was confused and worried. After a moment of silent between the both of them, Harry breathed out loudly and slid his hand carefully onto the table to find his glass. He was holding a little spoon in his other hand and he hit the side of his glass with the spoon gently, just hard enough for everyone to hear the sound. Louis frowned when he saw Harry got up. Was he really going to make a Christmas speech? He turned his wheelchair on the left, to observe more easily, and to grab his arm in case it was too embarrassing.

“Hello everyone!” he started and some of the girls giggle a bit, and maybe Louis sent them a glare. “Firstly, I wanted to thank everyone for coming.” was it really needed, since Johannah ha0,d been the one to insist so much about coming to their place for Louis’ birthday? Probably not, but he kept on speaking. “It’s a real pleasure for us to welcome you, our families, in our cosy apartment!” it made Louis cringe a bit, he didn’t like speeches and Harry knew it. “It’s still Louis’ birthday, and I think that’s one of the main reason you’re all here, to celebrate the incredible person he is!”. That was official, Louis was incredibly embarrassed at that point, his cheeks were burning red, almost like flames were dancing onto his face. “We all went through a damn bunch of shit those last years, right? I’ve lost my ability to see, Louis lost the one to walk, and all of you had to witness the desperate state we were drowning in. But we’re alive, for God’s sake! Even the doctors were surprised. Miracle, they called it. I don’t believe in miracle, because I still doubt the existence of God himself. But whenever I hear Louis laugh, whenever I kiss him and hold him into my arms, and feel his heart beat against my chest...” Louis didn’t know where to look. Lottie had taken out her phone and was filming Harry, which earned her a questioning look from her older brother, to what she answered by mouthing something close to _it’s cute_. Everyone’s eyes were either focused on Harry or on him. He could feel them stare and it was terribly awkward. But any word escaping his boyfriend’s mouth was warming his heart a bit more, soon enough, a strangely delicious sensation of burn woke up in his chest. “I immediately think he is, himself, a miracle. It’s cheesy, I know. But isn’t he? He is here, with us, a beating heart in his chest, flesh on his bones, hot blood running through his veins. He’s a damn warrior. He’s a saviour, and a warrior. He taught me I was able to see the world with my hands and ears, he dragged me out of my little hell and we’re all working together to help him drag himself out of his. I probably fell in love with him the very first day he taught me to read. I fell in love with a miracle, a bloody angel. It’s the cheesiest I’ve ever been but I don’t give a fuck. Honestly, Louis gave me his strength, his courage, and I like to think I’m becoming a better person thanks to him. Everyday, he teaches me something new.” Louis couldn’t pull his eyes away from the boy standing next to him. He had always knew Harry had some skills in making up speech, it was innate in him. He had, so many times, lectured him with powerful speech. “We probably learnt at least one thing thanks to him, to fight for life, or follow our dreams. Whatever it is. And I truly think he deserves more than one day in the year to celebrate his bravery. He is beating his demons’ asses like a pro. And he teaches us to be the strongest we could be, because life deserves to be lived. So I decided to create at least one other day to celebrate Louis.” 

Louis frowned. He was very confused. But more than anything, he was deeply touched by everything Harry had said, every single word had caressed his heart, kissed it better. Every word proved to him he had the best boyfriend anyone could ever dream of. From how he encouraged him to eat and rewarded him for his courage, to how he massaged his feet whenever he considered Louis to be too cold. And suddenly, Harry turned toward him. He smiled shyly as he leant on, assuming the curly haired boy was going to kiss him, for some reason, in front of everyone. But he leant on again, his hands onto Louis’ wheelchair arms, setting a knee on the ground. The older boy was confused for a moment, maybe he simply refused to allow himself to believe in it. It was way too perfect to be true. It was not what he thought it was, right? He had just dropped something on the floor and wanted to pick it up. It sounded less stupid in his mind. But Harry started patting the back pocket of his jeans and he put out a small black square box. It was plaint, apart from a golden frame. Louis’ eyes widened. Soon after, his heart started beating much faster in his chest, his breath got irregular, and he could barely take deep breath anymore. His stomach was upside down and his heart threatened to break through his ribs. Sweat started covering his palms thinly and he didn’t know if wiping them on his pants were the good thing to do at this moment. Harry opened the box slowly. The older boy’s blue eyes were shifting between his boyfriend’s face to the silver ring. It was thin and small dark blue stones were embedded all along, in the middle. It was simple but incredibly stunning. He could hear his family chocking on their breath loudly, out of shock and surprise, which meant they had no idea either. 

“Louis William Tomlinson, will you marry me?” he finally pronounced.

His deep voice reverberated into Louis’ brain. How he had decided to say his full name, like it could add more importance to the act. But mostly, those four distinct words he hadn’t imagined to ever hear. They had never really talked about marriage, none of them knew if they wanted to actually marry. Of course, they had joked about it sometimes, whenever Bebe had insisted on her wanting to be one of Louis’ bridesmaid. Was it even a thing? He had always seen groom with grooms men. He wanted Bebe to be his “grooms maid”, no matter if he needed to invent a new term for it to happen. Why would his mind always drift away in the most important moments in his life. Harry had still a knee on the ground, still holding the ring in front of them. A concerned expression was covering his face. 

“Louis!” he heard some of his sisters whisper-yell. 

He looked around him, Lottie had wide eyes and was staring at him, still holding her phone toward them, Félicité and Phoebe were the one gesturing to him to answer, their brows raised closer to their hairlines. He focused back on his boyfriend, who looked more nervous. 

“Yes!” he whispered, almost inaudible, his throat was too tight to let any word escape properly.   
“Yes?” Harry repeated, unsure, biting down onto his lip. 

Louis sniffed silently, feeling the tears drowning his eyes very quickly. He stretched his hand a bit, toward Harry’s face and pressed his thumb in the small hollow between his bottom lip and his chin and pulled a bit. Harry understood and released his lip, just like they used to do in the past. 

“Yes.” Louis said a bit louder. 

Some of their guests started cheering loudly and Louis looked up to his mother who had hidden a part of her face into her hands. Her tears were sliding onto her fingers and her eyes were already red. He felt his heart speed again as Harry grabbed his hand that was still on his face. It was adorable how it looked like he counted the fingers to choose the good one, and after a moment, he slid the ring around his finger. He let his other knee crash on the ground and Louis leant over so Harry could hug him tighter. 

“We’re gonna beat the asses of every demons that dare show up onto our path! Together.” Harry murmured into his ear. 

And Louis knew. No matter how hard it would be, no matter the judgemental ignorant looks they would receive, no matter the number of hardships they would encounter, their love was strong enough to resist all the pain in their life, and they would survive, _together_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello dear people! I can not believe it, I can't realise this is the last part of this story. I am like floating on my cloud, and I don't want to get down and realise this is the end, that I really have to say goodbye to those characters. I grew so, so attached to the characters, each single one of them. I was like, living with them for the last years/ year and a half. I kind of grew up with them. It was a bit of a therapy in a way, really. I put so much passion into this story, into building the characters and I really hope you managed to see it, and liked it as much as I did. This is absolutely terrible for me to understand I won't write this story anymore... I am sure it will take ages until I manage to create another story, of any kind, because it won't be those characters. Is it weird to feel like I am losing friends? I never claimed I was normal anyway, normal isn't even a thing. I know I am rambling, but hey, I think I warned you in the last post.   
> I just, I can't even express the way I felt. I chose AO3 to post my very first story and I won't regret it! I love it so damn much. It is so simply, yet so complete. And all the people who commented and left kudos of this story, you're all so so lovely and kind and I know I won't ever find a way to thank you all, because it would never be enough! You're all so so amazing people and I wish I knew you personally to hug you and thank you individually! Through those months, you drew smiles onto my face and warmed my heart, so THANK YOU to all of you INCREDIBLE PEOPLE!   
> I really hope I didn't let you down with this Epilogue, if I did, I am very very sorry! It took me so much time to create this last part, I wrote several one, deleted them, rewrote, deleted, so frustrating really!   
> I love you and THANK YOU again for everything you've done for me ♥
> 
> Don't forget, take care of you, you're beautiful, kind, amazing and you deserve the best ♥
> 
> -Lisa-


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